BEFORE: It's the end of the Samuel L. Jackson chain - for now - as he carries over again from "No Good Deed". He'll be back in one more film next week, but not used as a link, and then I don't know when we'll see him again. The temptation is there to save this film for October, because it's a horror film (sort of?) about sharks, but since I'm using one of tonight's actors as a link to get closer to Easter, I'm in favor of burning it off here rather than saving it. I think a couple of Octobers have come and gone since I put this on a DVD, and also I'm not sure exactly how I would use it in October, I have films that will link to it on either side, but then I've got nowhere else to go from there. So yeah, I know I'm stranding a couple horror films by watching this, but this October I'll just go with the most workable plan I have, it's fine. Probably fine.
THE PLOT: Searching for a cure for Alzheimer's disease, a group of scientists on an isolated research facility become the prey, as a trio of intelligent sharks fight back.
AFTER: Damn, this could be one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen - the whole premise is flawed. Sure, I appreciate working to find a cure for dementia, God knows we need one, and my mother and my ex-boss could sure benefit from one. But why test it on sharks? Wouldn't it be easier to work with mice, or squirrels, or even monkeys? I couldn't tell exactly what the very complicated process they were doing to the sharks was (a lot of made-up scientific mumbo-jumbo is given as an explanation), but in order to test the sharks properly, first they needed to increase the shark's brain capacity, their brains were initially too small to work with. So without telling anyone else, the main researcher here created smart sharks. Gee, what could POSSIBLY go wrong there?
The researchers start to figure it out when one shark manages to escape from the escape-proof pen. He fooled the security devices by putting on a wig and glasses, I guess, then riding off on a jet-ski to attack two young couples out for a sail at night. He looked at their catamaran and mistook it for a charcuterie board, which explains why he busted right through the bottom of the craft, just looking for a little late-night schnicky-snack....
Look, I've expressed my disdain for shark-based movies here several times, most recently last year when I knocked off "The Meg" and "Meg 2: The Trench". I will repeat, though, if you could just leave the damn sharks alone, you don't give them a reason to eat you. I stay out of the ocean completely as part of our unspoken agreement, you know, just to be on the safe side. There's no GOOD way to die, but I have to figure being dragged underwater and simultaneously drowning and being chewed up by several rows of teeth is particularly nasty.
So the sharks represent death, which comes for us all - what other symbolism could they possibly have? But you don't have to make things easier for them by penning them up in floating pens that will hold them (but just barely) and then taking them in turn and drilling into their brains to check the levels of chemicals or something. You're just pissing them off, and you WILL be sorry. Sure enough, the first time we see a shark getting experimented on, it costs one scientist his arm, and then once the sharks get a taste, and there's blood in the water, they're just never going to stop. This is true for all sharks, you can't tell me any different, however since these are smart sharks they seem to have developed a sense of either irony or comic timing, because for the rest of the film they choose their moments very carefully. It's always right after one character talks about how there's no danger, or expresses his disdain for the situation - well, just remember it can always be worse. If you don't like the fact that you're stuck in an underwater research facility with no chance of escape, PLEASE stop whining about it - would you rather be outside the facility, where the sharks are? I thought not.
The sharks even come back for the rest of that scientist whose arm they got - as he's being airlifted out by helicopter, in the middle of a terrible storm, something goes wrong with the winch and he ends up being lowered right into one of the shark pens. Great job, medevac guys, you're doing quality work - the sharks grab his gurney, figure out how to detach him from the lifeline, and drag his body down to the main observation window of the facility, just to ram him up against the glass and show everybody their co-worker one last time before they eat him. Yeah, they're that petty, it turns out, but it's also a warning, as if to say, "We got this guy, and now we're coming for the rest of you!" They're smart sharks, but they're also real a-holes.
And then that helicopter that dropped the guy on the stretcher right into the shark pit manages to crash into the control tower, killing the tower operator, the three men on the copter, and I assume putting more body parts into the ocean to feed the sharks. Well, they were probably underfed to begin with, it wouldn't surprise me to learn how badly mismanaged this whole facility was if they were set up to do the dumbest thing possible, which is making sharks smart.
The five researchers left make plans to escape in a submersible, while the facility's cook hides in his own oven while a shark roams around the three feet of water on his level. Then the escape plan keeps changing as the team learns about the various damaged parts of the facility. Man, I hated to say it, but by this point I was nearly rooting for the sharks just because of how dumb all the humans were. It's kind of like how in "Meg" the shark had the biggest personality and the most acting ability in the entire cast, and in both cases the sharks weren't even real.
The team splits up, and while some try to drain a stairway that will lead to the surface, the main researcher goes to her cabin to get her research notes (I think, it's a bit unclear...). Well, damn, you don't want to leave behind any of those important experiments that make sharks smarter... But she also gets attacked by a shark and manages to electrocute it, losing her notes in the process. Well, it's for the best. Then there's a big climactic battle against the sharks when the survivors get to the surface, but I can't say that all makes any more sense than the rest of the movie does.
We should make all the scientists playing around with woolly mice and bringing back extinct dire wolves to watch this film, though. Look, if you don't want to play along at home, nobody's forcing you to - feel free to skip any movie you don't think you'll like, especially this one. My only bright spot tonight is really just getting one movie closer to Easter - and that reminds me, I really should start working out a path to Mother's Day tomorrow.
Directed by Renny Harlin (director of "The Misfits")
Also starring Thomas Jane (last seen in "1922"), Saffron Burrows (last heard in "Peter Pan" (2003)), Jacqueline McKenzie, Michael Rapaport (last seen in "The Pallbearer"), Stellan Skarsgard (also carrying over from "No Good Deed"), LL Cool J (last seen in "Being Elmo"), Aida Turturro (last seen in "Romance & Cigarettes"), Cristos (last seen in "Drillbit Taylor"), Daniel Rey (last seen in "Mulholland Drive"), Valente Rodriguez (last seen in "Father Stu"), Brent Roam, Tajsha Thomas, with the voice of Frank Welker (last heard in "The Back-Up Plan") and cameos from Ronny Cox (last seen in "I Am Burt Reynolds"), Renny Harlin (last seen in "The Misfits")
RATING: 3 out of 10 perfect omelettes
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