Under the Skin

Year 12, Day 311 - 11/6/20 - Movie #3,691

BEFORE: As you're no doubt aware, it's now three days after the U.S. Election Day, and there's still no clear winner in the Presidential race.  Biden's a whole lot closer based on electoral votes - it's complicated, but nobody really votes for the President directly, instead Americans vote for local electors, who then have to go to college to cast votes for who the people of their state want.  There's no 100% rule that the electors have to vote for the person they say they're going to vote for, but they almost always do.  It's an antiquated system meant to even out the rights of the big states with the rights of the little states, to do that they made every one of the states essentially winner-take-all, thus in a close race virtually guaranteeing that almost half of the people's votes are useless.  OK, maybe not half, but anyone who's liberal in a conservative state or conservative in a liberal need not bother voting at all, so really, that saves a lot of people a bunch of time, if you think about it.  (And they wonder why so many Americans don't vote.  Duh!)

I'm sort of half-kidding, but when you realize that the Electoral College is based on the honor system, and then that there simply is no more honor anywhere else in American politics, it might be time to scrap it. I don't really favor a nation-wide popular vote, because I suppose even that way up to 49% of voters would still feel like their vote was wasted - I mean, they tell us that every vote counts, and nobody's vote is wasted because they made their voice heard, but really, if you voted for the losing candidate, wouldn't you have rather just slept in that day?  Not wasted two hours in line?  For a few years there I felt that if I was voting liberal in a liberal state like New York then my vote didn't really count, because the liberal candidate was going to win my state, so wouldn't I rather just sleep in that day?  But this election was WAY too important, I wasn't going to take any chances, so we went and voted early in person, on the first day that the polls were open in our state.  

As I said, Biden's closer to victory, some news outlets say he needs just 6 more electoral votes (Nevada would do it) while other news outlets say he needs 17 more (Nevada and Arizona would do that).  Meanwhile, as they keep inching closer to counting all the mail-in ballots in Pennsylvania, if he gets that state's 20 electoral votes, then he wins.  Boom, it's over.  Barring the results of any recounts in close states, or lawsuits filed by Trump that could change any results, it seems like Biden's got a few ways to win this thing, and Trump only has two - win every state that hasn't finished counting yet, or flip a couple with lawsuits.  So far all the state judges have laughed in his lawyers' faces (I bet maybe a couple of them have lost family members to the COVID-19 virus, right?) so the lawsuit thing doesn't seem like a valid plan.  Sure, he packed the Supreme Court with three justices that owe him their jobs, but his lawsuits would have to progress up past the state level to get to the federal level, where he could expect a quid pro quo, and that's probably not going to happen.

Look, I'm old enough to remember the voting debacle in Florida in 2000, with the butterfly ballots and the hanging chads and the fact that every time they counted ballots in some counties, they got a different number.  Plus the governor of the state was Jeb Bush (the Republican candidate's BROTHER), and he appointed the woman in charge of counting ballots, so probably the fix was in.  Finally the Supreme Court had to stop all the recounting and they declared George W. Bush the winner, and if we'd had President Gore back then, maybe we'd be in a different place regarding climate change, who can say?  

Having six states right now that haven't finished counting is a bit unnerving, a bit like having SIX FLORIDAS, so it has the potential to be six times worse than the nightmare of 2000.  Let's hope it doesn't come down to that, or take that long - in mid-December 2000, we still didn't know who the next President was going to be!  This time it looks like Biden, unless something goes horribly wrong right now, and I've just jinxed it, haven't I?  Maybe in another day or two we can get some clarity, but even then, Trump's just not going to go down easy, he's going to claim victory, that there was rampant election fraud, or Ukrainian hacking, or wonder why so many of the mail-in ballots that got counted late (but most of those were mailed early) were for Biden.  Gee, I don't know, maybe because more Democrats chose to mail in or drop off their absentee ballots because of the pandemic, or the expected voter intimidation at the polls, or just because they couldn't wait until Election Day to vote out the President they despised?  Meanwhile, Republicans listened to their glorious leader who told them that absentee ballots were for losers, and that it was totally safe to go to the polls because the pandemic was over (it wasn't)?  

Just imagine, if Trump had taken the pandemic just a BIT more seriously, didn't infect more people by holding rallies, and the death toll had been reduced from over 200,000 to something more like 30,000?  There might have been over 100,000 more Trump supporters alive to cast votes on Election Day, and if they had lived in key states, that might have made a difference for him.  But, sadly, we'll never know, now, will we?  That karma, she's a bitch. 

Scarlett Johansson carries over from "Jojo Rabbit". 

THE PLOT: A mysterious young woman seduces lonely men in the evening hours in Scotland.  However, events lead her to begin a process of self-discovery. 

AFTER: Well, this film puts me in a rather awkward position.  As one might be able to draw from the title of this film, the main goal of this production seemed to be to showcase Scarlett Johansson in the buff.  You know, starkers, nekkid, in the all-together.  Which is fine, if that's your thing, I feel like on some level this is something I should support, or at least would have supported in the past.  But a lot has changed in Hollywood these past few years, and my understanding was that, at least on some level, we were all supposed to be better than that by now, to have higher aspirations.  

Now I can't help but view this as exploitative somehow, even assuming (and I do) that Ms. Johansson was well aware of the nature of the project when she signed on, that nudity was involved.  And maybe she was fine with that, proud of her body's condition and form or interested in preserving it forever on celluloid (OK, digital now) before things started going south, or whatever.  Maybe she was between relationships at the time, and this served as a de facto type of dating incentive, and hey, now she's married (third time, I think) to Colin Jost, and things seem to be going well, so who's to say the plan didn't work?  

But the question remains, is there enough story here to justify the repeated on-screen nudity?  Here's the story - a (possibly alien?) woman seduces men while driving around in her van, she takes them home, or goes home with them, things start getting hot and heavy, nudity is involved, and then the man ends up in some kind of psychic hellscape instead, where he's covered in black liquid goo and (presumably) ultimately devoured.  Repeat, as necessary, until the end of the film.  Not much else is really explained - what, exactly is she?  Alien, or demon, or psychic vampire, or some combination thereof?  

There are other characters - one or more men on motorcycles who seem to act as her "handlers" of sorts, disposing of remains as necessary, or perhaps just generally keeping track of her activities, but since the dialogue is minimal throughout the film, it's often hard to determine what, exactly, is taking place.  That was my experience, anyway.  Not that a film has to telegraph everything, because it generally doesn't, but damn it, you've got to give me something I can hang my hat on, at least once in a while.  

And to be fair, something different does happen near the end - one possible interpretation is that "The Female" gradually grows tired of this cycle of violence, or perhaps starts to develop an emotional response after so many interactions with lonely men/victims.  One man is disabled, and it seems that she had some kind of change of heart, as he is later seen escaping, naked, from her physical or psychic prison.  But it seems that the mysterious motorcyclist is on hand to make sure that he doesn't get very far, because that would potentially ruin whatever situation it is that they're running.  (Are they harvesting men for food? Energy? Some kind of alien zoo?  It's all very unclear.)  

The Female seems to drive off on her own at some point, abandoning her van and heading off into the woods.  Perhaps it's karma that she then becomes a potential victim for an aggressive sexual predator in the woods - and this gives her a fresh perspective perhaps on her recent activities, but it also ends up sealing her fate.  Well, at least something happens after an hour and a half of nearly nothing happening. Technically this constitutes a narrative arc, but only just barely. 

I praised Ms. Johansson's acting ability a couple days ago after watching "Jojo Rabbit", but this film from 2013 represents more of the before-times, namely before the "Avengers" movies, when she would get hired to play the cold, emotionless female roles as seen in "Lost in Translation", "Ghost World" and "Girl With a Pearl Earring" - the dissassociated characters like "girl in painting" or "awkward teen".  Which makes you wonder if they cast "Under the Skin" by saying, "Hmm, who can we get that can interact with lonely men and display absolutely no emotion whatsoever... call Scarlett Johansson!"

Also starring Jeremy McWilliams, Adam Pearson, Lynsey Taylor Mackay, Krystof Hadek, Paul Brannigan, Michael Moreland, Dave Acton

RATING: 3 out of 10 male naughty bits

Jojo Rabbit

Year 12, Day 309 - 11/4/20 - Movie #3,690

BEFORE: Well, it's pretty clear that I haven't changed my 2020 schedule THAT much, not yet anyway.  This is exactly where I planned to be, back when we thought that NYC movie theaters might still open up in 2020, and when "Black Widow" still had an opening date in early November.  Like so many things this year, that didn't happen.  Admittedly, cancelling (or re-scheduling) is par for the course this year.  We had only one set of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night, and my wife wouldn't even let me answer the door.  She has a valid point, I don't know where those kids have been, and kids are very efficient at spreading germs.  So I guess that half-bag of candy left from 2019 won't be given out until next year.  Sorry, kids. 

Next up, will Thanksgiving be cancelled as well?  I'm no longer surprised by the coincidences I encounter, and this film appearing so close to Election Day is just another one of them.  What am I supposed to make from a film about Hitler turning up NOW?  There's got to be something about fighting fascism that I can work with here.  Let me watch the film (admittedly, I'm watching BEFORE election results come in, and reviewing AFTER, so the fix is in today) and I'll have more to say, for sure. 

Taika Waititi carries over from "Hunt for the Wilderpeople". 

THE PLOT: A young boy in Hitler's army finds out his mother is hiding a Jewish girl in their home.

AFTER: It's 10 pm on Election Night as I'm writing this, and at the moment Joe Biden is ahead in the projected electoral college count, which means I'll probably be up late tonight trying to figure out how the Democrats are going to manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  On the other hand, Biden's ahead, he's been ahead so far and maybe he'll stay that way - my wife just went to sleep convinced that Biden's going to lose, somehow, and it would be great if she woke up to an unexpected result, which would karmically balance the one in 2016 when she went to sleep fairly confident that Hillary Clinton would be the next president.  History is sometimes decided in the wee hours of the morning - but we've also been told that some races are so close to call that we may not have a definitive result for several DAYS, a week even.  For all the talk of a "blue wave" and a possible landslide, this thing now looks like it's going to come down to a nail-biter, even if we factor in California's 55 electoral votes that will almost certainly go Biden's way.  

For all the talk about the change that the USA needs, for all the rightfully placed anger over this President's lack of coronavirus preparations and response, for all the disenfranchised women and minority voters who set out to strike a blow for all the other women and minorities, for all the hundreds of politicial scandals in the last four years which had Trump at their core, the race is still, at the moment, too close to call.  How the heck does this happen?  Most of the polls, and nearly all of the rhetoric since the debates, indicated to me that we were on a positive, righteous, non-lazy path.  We all know what the right things to do are - look after each other, take care of the disenfranchised, make sure we all move forward together, protecting not just our own rights but the rights of others, take care of the only environment we have, and just generally be excellent to each other.  But yet somehow there exists a large portion of this country that either doesn't know what to do in these regards, or would just rather not do them.  It's the lazy man's more seductive path, and it comes with a heavy, heavy price, or at least it should. 

But look who we have as an example, the man who's personified our political process for the last four years.  Nothing bad has happened to him, as yet, for anything bad that he's done.  He's skated on his taxes, he's skated on every lawsuit ever brought against him, done very little actual work over the last four years, again always skating, mostly golfing and watching TV, and what are the consequences that have befallen him?  Nothing bad, instead he gets to eat a bunch of fast food every day and meet with sports champions and rap stars.  I had such hopes that the bill for his laziness and incompetence would finally come due, and he'd be ousted from the White House at the very least, and either impeached or convicted of something at best.  So far, that hasn't happened. I can't take another four years of this, and I don't think our country can either. 

Let me try to bring this back to "Jojo Rabbit", after pointing out that Trump, in many ways, is like the American Hitler.  Remember, also, that Hitler was freely elected, and he wasn't a dictator at first, either.  But once in power, some people tend to do everything they can to remain in power, and therefore use the powers of their office to remove or discredit all of their political opponents, and also denigrate and make life difficult for any minority groups they don't like.  Sound familiar?  Trump's gone after Mexicans, Chinese, and Muslims, denigrated women, people with disabilities, mocked every Democrat who's ever disagreed with him and then even members of his own staff who've done the same.  He claims, for some reason, to have the best interests of black Americans and LGBTQ Americans at heart, but I think we all know that's just another smokescreen, right?  Outside of those rap stars, when has he ever done anything for black Americans? Just go back and see what he said about the Central Park Five (who were later exonerated, BTW). 

Hitler, on the other hand, made the trains run on time.  There was a feeling among Germans that this was the guy who could get things done.  Just don't ask where all the Jewish people have gone, or the disabled, or the gays, or the gypsies.  Again, sound familiar?  Trump's the guy whose reputation says he'll be better for the economy (just ignore all his bankrupt businesses over the years) and for mostly personal, selfish reasons, to many people that's more important than listening to scientists about how to deal with a deadly virus.  And just don't ask why there aren't many senior citizens around any more, or why the big cities aren't as crowded as they used to be, or have as many working restaurants.  Hitler had concentration camps for Jewish people, Trump had essentially the same thing for Mexican immigrant children.  

And everything's been so divisive, there are families split right down the middle on the important issues of the day.  Yes, finally I'm bringing it back to "Jojo Rabbit", where a young boy is part of the Hitler youth movement, but meanwhile his mother is only pretending to support the government in power, she's actively working to make a difference in the world by hiding a Jewish teen girl in her house's walls.  The reason seems to be that she had a teen daughter who died, and she couldn't save her, but she can try to save this Jewish girl instead.  When Jojo hears noises coming from his sister's old room, he investigates and locates the hidden girl instead, which makes him very conflicted.  He's been trained to report all Jewish people to his superiors in the Hitler youth army, but he also knows that his mother could be in a lot of trouble for hiding her in the first place.  

His only confidante is an imaginary Hitler, whom he consults for advice.  Taika Waititi (also the director of the film) plays Hitler, and this is intended as a comic character here, in the same vein as what was seen in both versions of "The Producers".  Since Jojo admires Hitler greatly but has never met the man, this allows for his imaginary version to be an extreme one, something akin to a cartoon.  And this mostly works, seeing Hitler through the eyes of a young boy, unless you happen to look at this from a German point of view.  Of course when you get a bunch of British, American and New Zealand actors on board to play Germans, it's never going to be an accurate portrayal of German society, instead it's all going to be played for laughs here, as was done in "The Death of Stalin" a few years ago.  

A couple of points here, I had to disagree with the choice to open the film with the Beatles' German recording of "I Want to Hold Your Hand", which they recorded as "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand".  I can see WHY they did this, because the song was played over footage of Hitler rallies (again, sound familiar?) and thus there was a connection drawn between the popularity of Hitler and the popularity of the Beatles (crowds of screaming fans in both cases).  However, there's two full decades that separate the images and the music, so that song would not have been even CLOSE to existing at the time of World War II, and therefore the opening is incredibly historically inaccurate.  (The film also closes with a version of David Bowie's "Heroes", also sung in German, which is even more anachronistic.  I know, I know, once you let modern songs into a movie like "Moulin Rouge", on one level all bets are off, but I'm still a purist, and I don't approve of this.)  You can't turn 1944 into 1964 just through juxtaposition.

Still, the main message of the film is a tolerant one, and the Nazis are shown on the wrong side of history, which is all good news.  And there are actors here who are almost always great in the films they appear in, like Sam Rockwell, one of my favorite actors, and Scarlett Johansson, who's come a very long way, acting-wise, from her teen roles, a fact I learned earlier this year.  

Speaking of "earlier this year", if you recall back in April I watched a whole bunch of Nazi and Hitler-based films in a row: "The Reader", "Look Who's Back", "Downfall" and "The Boys from Brazil".  (Three of the films had Bruno Ganz in them, but it's still fairly amazing that they all linked together and this sequence didn't break my chain.). I always had the intention of including "Jojo Rabbit" in the mix, and I could have watched it back then on an Academy screener, but this one just didn't link with the others, so I had to postpone it and hope that I could include it later on in the year.  So I'm happy that I finally got to it, here in the closing days of 2020, which also happens to be the 75th anniversary of the end of World War II. (Still very proud of the fact that I watched "Downfall" on the exact 75th anniversary of Hitler's death.). 

Someday, maybe we'll all look back on the Trump years the same way that people once looked back on World War II - namely that it was a difficult time, people were dying all around, and we all had to do our best to survive as best we can, some of us in quiet opposition to the government.  (Others, not so quiet.). But I certainly wouldn't want to look back on such a difficult time in history, knowing that I'd sold out my fellow countrymen for the sake of quick-fixing the economy, putting my own financial interests ahead of the lives and livelihoods of others.  That would be just as bad as living in Nazi Germany and turning a blind eye to the evil and corruption of Hitler, wouldn't it?  Sure, you might argue that "it can't happen here", but to some degree at least, hasn't it already?

Also starring Scarlett Johansson (last seen in "Marriage Story"), Roman Griffin Davis, Thomasin McKenzie (last seen in "The King"), Sam Rockwell (last seen in "Richard Jewell"), Rebel Wilson (last seen in "Pitch Perfect 3"), Alfie Allen (last seen in "The Predator"), Stephen Merchant (last seen in "The Girl in the Spider's Web"), Archie Yates, Joe Weintraub, Brian Caspe (last seen in "The Catcher Was a Spy"), Gabriel Andrews (ditto), Billy Rayner (ditto), Luke Brandon Field, Sam Haygarth, Gilby Griffin Davis, Hardy Griffin Davis with archive footage of Adolf Hitler (last seen in "What We Do in the Shadows"). 

RATING: 7 out of 10 propaganda fliers

Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Year 12, Day 307 - 11/2/20 - Movie #3,689

BEFORE: As long as I'm in New Zealand, I figure I'd better take advantage and squeeze this one in.  This film only JUST made it to Netflix a couple of weeks ago, and common wisdom says it should be there for two years, so I should probably watch other movies that are likely to leave the service first.  BUT, this one's a double-link, with both Taika Waititi AND Rhys Darby carrying over from "What We Do in the Shadows".  (Actually I think it's a triple, see below.). And who knows when I'll be watching another film with Rhys Darby, or Sam Neill, for that matter?  So I'd better work this one in now.

It's funny, I forgot that my 2020 Movie Year started with a New Zealand-based film, "Whale Rider", and now I've circled back there unintentionally.  I guess in some ways the first film of the year can really set the tone for what's to come, that's why I'm so obsessive about selecting my starting point each year.  

But today's movie is what made me tear up the path I had to the end of the year and re-think it, once I knew for sure that "Black Widow" and "Hellboy" couldn't be part of the mix this year.  Instead of planning a Christmas movie that I wasn't really into, re-thinking the final 12 films for the year allowed me to work in three other Christmas films that I think I'll like better, plus a documentary on my (former) favorite band.  It's really only four out of the twelve films that I changed, but I think it makes a world of difference if I'm happier about the line-up.  As long as I'm in charge of the linking (and the linking's not in charge of me) why not pick the films that I think I'll enjoy better?  Sometimes it's just that simple.  

Oh, and I found a path from January 15 to February 1 - actually, I found TWO paths, which makes things easier, but also harder in a way.  I know for sure now that my 2021 linking will be solid until mid-March (and really, that's the first few steps of a potential yearlong chain already sorted) BUT now I have to decide between the two paths, which both get me to the same place in the end. Again, it may be a matter of just figuring out which one's likely to make me happier. 

And my links for November are: Taika Waititi (again), Scarlett Johansson, Leonardo Nam and Nate Mooney. 

THE PLOT: A national manhunt is ordered for a rebellious kid and his foster uncle who go missing in the wild New Zealand bush. 

AFTER: Well, it seems that New Zealand culture is very different from ours - I'm slowly starting to understand their sense of humor, thanks to comedy ambassadors like Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi - I never watched "The Flight of the Conchords" but Clement turned up in the "Men in Black" series and Marvel's "Legion" show on FX, and I got to know Waititi through his voice-work as Korg in (and his direction of) "Thor: Ragnarok", which was easily the funniest Marvel superhero movie to date (with "Guardians of the Galaxy" a close second).  Now he's also providing the voice for the bounty hunter droid IG-11 in "The Mandalorian", season 2 started on Disney Plus just a couple days ago.  

But maybe we're not all that different from New Zealanders, don't we have a bunch of people in the U.S. who love to hunt and pride themselves on being able to survive out in the wild, while avoiding all possible influence from the government?  Doomsday preppers, or radical militiamen, whatever you want to call them, I have a feeling that come this Tuesday, they'll all be either headed into the woods to go native for four years, or else they'll be strapping on their ammo belts and headed in to the big city to defend our country from Mexicans or liberals or just any minorities they can find.  Either way, it should make for an interesting week.  Just like "The Munsters", the Civil War is a franchise that I don't think needs another installment.  I'd love to see a peaceful election and a fair turnover, but I'm braced for Civil War II: Red vs. Blue.

But I may be able to get a couple more films watched before the country burns to the ground.  This one and "Jojo Rabbit", at least.  Today's film is about abandoned boy sent to live with foster parents, which echoes back to "The House with a Clock in its Walls" from last week.  Almost 13-year old Ricky Baker is in trouble for everything from burning things to loitering and graffiti, so a child welfare officer sends him off to a farm to be raised by Bella Faulkner and her husband, Hec.  Hec's a lot older, so he and Ricky don't exactly see eye to eye, it's really Bella's generosity and spirit holding the "trifecta" together.  They each teach Ricky how to hunt, and it's quite amazing for Ricky to see Bella take down a wild boar. 

But when Bella dies suddenly, child welfare wants to take Ricky back to juvie and his "foster uncle" Hec says he's going to go live in the bush for a while, Ricky beats him to the punch and heads out to the wild first, with his canine companion, Tupac, and a backpack full of peanut butter sandwiches.  He quickly loses his way in the jungle, but Hec manages to find him and they bond as an odd pair to survive outside of conventional society.  After a few months there's a nationwide search and a reward for their return, which seems like a lot of trouble for child services to go through just to find ONE teen.  In America they used to just put missing kids' photos on milk cartons, but it's unclear if any missing persons were ever found by the efforts of habitual milk drinkers. 

There seem to be a bunch of randomly placed hunting cabins across New Zealand, and none of them seem to be locked.  Hec and Ricky raid them for food when their hunting skills fail, but confusion comes about when Ricky says something to a group of hunters that accidentally sounds like his foster uncle has been molesting him.  Ah, there's that wacky New Zealand sense of humor again.  The two spend months out in the wilderness, and then a week with a recluse named Psycho Sam before the authorities manage to track them down.  

It's a simple enough story, but it's got some genuine heart - this was a festival favorite back during the 2016-2017 season.  The message is that everybody needs other people, and at some point in life, your family consists of the people who you've chosen to spend time with, rather than the people you share DNA with.  Also, it's probably a good idea to bring a warm coat. 

Also starring Sam Neill (last seen in "The Commuter"), Julian Dennison (last seen in "Deadpool 2"), Rima Te Wiata, Rachel House (last seen in "Whale Rider"), Oscar Kightley (last heard in "Moana"), Stan Walker, Mike Minogue (also carrying over from "What We Do in the Shadows"), Cohen Holloway (ditto), Tioreore Ngatai-Melbourne, Troy Kingi, Hamish Parkinson, Stu Giles.  

RATING: 6 out of 10 improvised haikus

What We Do in the Shadows

Year 12, Day 305 - 10/31/20 - Movie #3,688

BEFORE: OK, here it is, the last movie of October.  24 films (12 originals and 12 sequels) and while it might have been a short month, it's still some solid linking work.  Rhys Darby carries over from "Jumanji: The Next Level".  Also just 12 films left to come in 2020, and I've got the great benefit of having THREE slightly different paths to the end, all of them will result in another "perfect year" (in this year that's been anything but perfect) so I can choose my favorite, that's a great feeling.  

Here are my viewing platform stats for October, and I'll total everything up in December, most likely cable still comes out on top.  

OCTOBER -

8 Movies watched on cable (saved to DVD): The Cabin in the Woods, The Dark Tower, Zombieland: Double Tap, Only Lovers Left Alive, The Addams Family (2019), Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween, The House with a Clock in its Walls, What We Do in the Shadows
6 Movies watched on cable (not saved): Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn, Doctor Sleep, Replicas, The Dead Don't Die, It: Chapter Two, Jumanji: The Next Level
2 watched on Netflix: Horns, Swiss Army Man
1 watched on iTunes: The Woman in Black
1 watched on Amazon Prime: Suspiria
5 watched on Hulu: Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2
1 watched on Disney+: Maleficent: Mistress of Evil
24 TOTAL

I also took my first stab at making a rough plan for January, and an attempt to clarify February a bit, because locking down February's start will tell me where January needs to end.  I've got a solid plan for the first two weeks of January, but right around January 15 comes a problem known as "too many choices" - there are about 13 different places I could be on January 16-18.  I build these little "decision trees" with a lot of arrows showing all the different directions I could go in, and at that point it just grows ridiculously large.  Which is good in a way, because it shows through probability how vast my choices are, but then how do I narrow them down?  I tried going backwards from February 1, also, but that decision tree got too large too, and so far I haven't found the film chain that unites both sets of choices, at best there's a four or five day gap in between.  More scrap paper is required at this point...

THE PLOT: Vlago, Deacon and Vladislav are vampires who are finding that modern life has them struggling with the mundane - like paying rent, keeping up with the chore wheel, trying to get into nightclubs and overcoming roommate conflicts. 

AFTER: As you can imagine, with just 12 film slots left this year, I have to make my choices carefully.  Sure, I've got a couple more films with Jemaine Clement in them, but that's not going to get me to some Christmas movies.  So, I'm going the other way tomorrow, which gets me to "Jojo Rabbit" this week, and I've really been looking forward to that one.  Everything else is essentially being re-scheduled for 2021 or beyond, and it's also been the year of the Constant Re-schedule, hasn't it?  Between COVID-19 and the cold weather, most of Halloween is cancelled - no parade, no parties, no sexy costumes, no kids trick-or-treating.  I didn't even buy candy because there's half a bag of last year's candy left on my shelf, just in case a few hardy souls come by tonight begging.  But if our doorbell doesn't ring tonight at all, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. OK, so I bought one package of Reese's pumpkins, but those are all for me.  

"Hellboy" is put off until next year, as are eight films about mummies, 10 films about time travel, "Salem's Lot", "The Babadook", "Devil", "Pet Sematary", last year's "The Invisible Man", "The Witch", "The Witches" (1990 and 2020 versions), "Gretel & Hansel", all remaining films about serial killers, and quite a few others.  There just wasn't time this October to get to everything.  Other notable re-schedules include "New Mutants", "The Lion King" (2019), "Dumbo", "The Trip to Greece", "The King of Staten Island", "The Call of the Wild", 4 films with Shia Labeouf, "Warrior" and three other films with Tom Hardy, 3 films with Johnny Depp, "Bohemian Rhapsody" and countless others.  (If I keep listing, I'll be here all day...)  I'm running out of time, across the board.  Then there's "Bill and Ted Face the Music", "Tenet", "Wonder Woman 1984", "Black Widow", "No Time to Die" and everything else Hollywood has chosen to not release until movie theaters re-open in the two biggest markets, NYC and L.A. Even though great progress was made this year on some long-standing fronts, I still feel like I'm never going to be able to schedule it all.  Maybe I need to wait a bit to see when the vaccine gets released, when Hollywood gets back on track, then firm up my January plans.  

In the meantime, I'm going to work with what I have available to me.  This 2014 film out of New Zealand was bound to happen, I suppose, with someone taking the mockumentary format made popular by "This is Spinal Tap" and "The Office" and applying it to vampires.  I guess it also hearkens back to "The Real World", which basically started the reality TV genre, and asks, "What happens when four vampires live together in a house, stop being polite and start getting real?"  Which of course doesn't make any sense, because why would said vampires allow a documentary crew to follow them around, while they're trying to avoid detection?  Why wouldn't they just pretend to go along with the project, and then drink the blood of the camera crew and field producers?  Ah, right, the lure of reality TV and becoming famous, and all those sweet, sweet endorsement deals.  Vampire influencers cashing in on Instagram would probably follow.  

For the purposes of this film, it turns out that New Zealand has a very lively monster nightlife scene - there are clubs, of course, and in addition to the vampires there's a roving group of werewolves that our subjects encounter a few times.  (There's that "Twilight" rivalry again, between the vamps and the wolves...)  And the big social event of the year is the Unholy Masquerade, which happens not on Halloween but on June 6 at 6 pm (think about it).  Vampires, zombies and witches all come together for a big masked ball, and absolutely no humans are allowed, it's a chance for all the undead to relax and unwind and interact, putting their differences aside.  In New Zealand it seems things are very well organized, each group has its own society with boards and elected leaders, and rules and such.  It seems like a very civilized way of doing things, of course it only works until some idiots bring a human to the party as their "plus one".  

Much like "The Dead Don't Die" and "Only Lovers Left Alive", this film is interesting because someone sat down for a bit and really thought about the classic horror film stereotypes, and what they might mean in the modern world.  Being a vampire surely has its down-side, right?  If a vampire should happen to make human friends, then he's either got to watch them grow old and die, or turn them into a vampire at some point, or just plain drain the blood of a friend.  Tough choices, all.  A vampire also needs a human "familiar", like Renfield from the "Dracula" novel, to get certain household tasks done during the day, get his coffin shipped from place to place, and clean up the blood from the bathroom floor.  How complicated is that relationship, like does hypnosis only get them so far, at some point it seems they need to promise to make their familiars immortal, just to keep them interested in doing the job.  It's like a promised promotion that never seems to come.  

Speaking of things that never happen, there's a chore wheel in the vampire flat that most people choose to ignore - Deacon hasn't washed the dishes in at least five years.  And whose job is it to get the blood stains out of the couch?  There's something of a generation gap here, because Deacon's only 183 years old, so he's clearly the "young rebel" of the group.  Viago is 379 years old, he's a former German count who ended up in New Zealand in the 1910's searching for the former love of his life (who's now in a senior home), and Vladislav is 862, he's been around since the early Transylvanian days, it seems, haunted by memories of his old nemesis "The Beast".  Petyr, meanwhile, is over 8,000 years old, and he's more of the "Nosferatu" type of vampire, doesn't say much but just lives down in the basement behind a stone slab and does whatever he wants.  They bring him a chicken every few days and that keeps him from getting out and killing the locals.  

There are probably good reasons why most vampires live alone - put a few of them together and they're bound to argue about who to eat, when to eat, who to turn into a vampire when they need a new roomate, and who to banish from the house for not following the rules.  There are just a few special-effects heavy battles here, but mostly this feels like a low-rent indie production, either by design or just by the nature of making an indie film and trying to do a lot with very little resources.  Thankfully, they succeeded in getting a lot done, and even though (as "Spinal Tap" pointed out) there's a very fine line between clever and stupid, I'm going to give this one the benefit of the doubt.  

I know there's an FX series that spun off from this film, and even though I'm only halfway through "Luke Cage" on Netflix, I might have to check that series out on Hulu, before the third season starts.  It's only 20 20-minute episodes, I could probably knock that out in under a week, before I start watching "Iron Fist".  If that series is half as funny as this film, I'll probably enjoy it. 

Happy Halloween, everyone!  We've got a rare full moon tonight (2nd of the month, so it's a "blue moon" too) so that means both the werewolves AND the vampires will be out tonight, unless it's too cold, or unless they're afraid of the plague.  Stay safe, buy your own candy, and wear a mask - you know what, wear two masks just to be on the safe side.

Also starring Taika Waititi (last heard in "Avengers: Endgame"), Jemaine Clement (last heard in "The Lego Batman Movie"), Jonathan Brugh, Ben Fransham, Cori Gonzalez-Macuer, Stu Rutherford, Jackie Van Beek, Ethel Robinson, Elena Stejko, Jason Hoyte, Karen O'Leary, Mike Minogue.

RATING: 7 out of 10 hard-to-find virgins

Jumanji: The Next Level

Year 12, Day 303 - 10/29/20 - Movie #3,687

BEFORE: So here's what's going to happen, after today's film I've got just one more scheduled for October, then I've only got 6 scheduled for November, so I've got to go into a different mode, a near shut-down for a while.  Maybe if I stretch out those 6 films I can keep watching movies until mid-November, but that still means skip days - one film every two or three days.  There's downtime coming, no matter how I work it.  But then I can come back in December and watch the last six, which now (thanks to one last tweaking) can feature three Christmas-themed films instead of two.  I like the way this year's going to end, but the tougher part is having to wait for it.  Still, knowing that through all the re-scheduling and re-workings, and theaters being shut down so ZERO films were seen by me in movie theaters this year, I'm still going to have an unbroken chain, from January 1 to Christmas.  

Jack Black carries over from "The House with a Clock in its Walls", and I'm feeling sort of like it's 2018 all over again. I'm in the closing days of my year, with 12 films left and I'm starting to think about planning my January chain.  Back in 2018 when I watched the first (OK, second) "Jumanji" film it was Jack Black who carried over from "Goosebumps", I had five films left to watch for the year, and I was starting to think about planning the chain for January 2019.  History does sort of repeat itself sometimes. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle" (Movie #3,095)

THE PLOT: The gang is back but the game has changed.  As they return to rescue one of their own, the players have to brave parts unknown, from arid deserts to snowy mountains, to escape the world's most dangerous game.  

AFTER: Yes, I realize this isn't a straight horror film, either - that's why I watched the previous "Jumanji" film in November, outside of the scope of October.  But in 2018 that meant I had to watch "Goosebumps" in November, too, and that's quite clearly an appropriate film for Halloween.  Thanks to my OCD that enforces the linking, I can't really make everything perfect, so the next best thing is to strive for close to perfect.  I can get there by labelling this as a "dark fantasy" instead of a special-effects driven comedy film, because when you think about it, there's some dark force at work inside that video-game that sucks people's souls into the VR world and then makes sure that things don't go well for them at first.  It allows them to "die" over and over, and it's strongly implied that if any of them should die three times, as per video-game common convention, they'll be for-reals dead in real life.  The story never gets there, so we don't know for sure, and the characters sure don't want to test that theory.  (Perhaps this will be explored in the probably-forthcoming sequel, "Jumanji: Game Over". But first they've got to figure out how to get Hollywood films released again, and Dwayne Johnson's got "Jungle Cruise", "Black Adam" and "San Andreas 2" coming out somewhen.)

I think I'm going to be very kind to "Jumanji: The Next Level", because it really ramped up the action, plus it gave me quite a few laughs today (and don't we all need that, right about now?) and then they added some really sentimental stuff near the end about friendship and old people being old, and I found myself tearing up a bit.  So this one has all the feels, as the kids say, plus it's an entertaining thrill ride.  There's a bit of a lag because it takes the new players a little while to come up to speed, because a couple of senior citizens (Spencer's grandfather and his old friend/business partner get sucked into the video-game in a new twist.)

This is a great change in the storyline, because if the same four teens (now college students) got sucked back into the same game and played as the same characters, that would be boring, right?  And the one thing this franchise is now, it's the opposite of boring.  They played around a bit in "Welcome to the Jungle" by saying, "What if the teens had to play against their types, the jock had to play the nerd, the nerd had to be the jock, the shy girl had to play the action girl, and the popular girl had to play as the fat, smart guy?"  And therefore when everyone has to step outside of their comfort zones, and see things from another angle, maybe they can all gain further understanding and acceptance?  Oh, if only it were this way in real life.   

Now "The Next Level" comes along and says, "What if everybody has to play as a different character, and nothing really goes as planned?" leading to new comic possibilities, like Dwayne Johnson being forced to act like Danny DeVito (old guy in a strong body), Kevin Hart gets to bust out a Danny Glover impression (he makes this look easy), and Jack Black gets to talk like a black teen (umm, let's just gloss over that this seems just a bit racist) but in some ways, it's even better than Jack Black acting like a teen girl.  The video-game itself got trashed at the end of the last film, but it got re-assembled and it's JUST a bit glitchy now - not so glitchy that it can't be played, but nobody gets to select their character now, and a couple things maybe don't work the way they're supposed to.  (Did they try blowing on the cartridge?)  

It's all part of a great attitude, which seems to be "If we have the special effects ability to make anything happen in a movie now, why not take advantage of that?"  So even with all the terrible news of 2020, it's still in one small way a great time to be alive, because whatever the Hollywood dreammakers can dream up, more or less it can be done on film in some way.  Take any big-budget special effects masterpiece, like this one or "Avengers: Endgame", let's say, and realize that these simply could not have been made ten years ago, not as well, anyway.  Twenty years ago?  Forget about it.  The big-budget special effects movies of 2000 included "X-Men", "Mission to Mars" and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", and they look almost ancient now by today's standards. 

Of course, this film is not realistic at all - an old video-game cartridge wouldn't have two different full playable scenarios on it, there's just not enough space, let alone anything close to VR-level graphics.  But who really cares when a movie is this much fun?  And it starts out with very specific rules, the team has to solve THIS riddle, which directs them to go to THAT location and talk to THAT character in a specific way - but the rules get thrown out about halfway through, and it just turns into a special-effects free-for-all.  It's more about what an old man would do in a young man's body (flex his muscles and punch everybody out) or what an in-shape person would do if they were out of shape, or vice versa.  The world of video-games can be a great uniter - everybody playing the same game has to work under specific limitations, but it also can reward players who think outside the box and come up with work-arounds.  And even though this is too fantastic to be believed, there are some underlying truths about how people need to work together to solve seemingly impossible challenges.  It's not meant to be a think-piece, but in a way it sort of is.  

There's one character that links this film back to the original 1995 "Jumanji" film, the woman who now owns the diner, Nora, was the mother of the two kids who freed Robin Williams' character from the board game, so the three "Jumanji" films are now part of a shared universe, along with "Zathura", it seems.  Whether this will be explored further in future films is unknown.  And it's a bit odd, but it seems that the street scenes were filmed in the same small Georgia town as the ones I saw last night in "The House with a Clock in its Walls" - which might have more to do with Jack Black's schedule than anything else, I'm not sure.  

Also starring Dwayne Johnson (last seen in "Faster"), Kevin Hart (last seen in "Fool's Gold"), Karen Gillan (last seen in "The Circle"), Awkwafina (last seen in "Between Two Ferns: The Movie"), Nick Jonas (last seen in "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle"), Ser'Darius Blain (ditto), Marin Hinkle (ditto), Rory McCann (last seen in "xXx: Return of Xander Cage"), Danny DeVito (last heard in "Smallfoot"), Danny Glover (last seen in "The Dead Don't Die"), Alex Wolff (last seen in "Bad Education"), Morgan Turner (last seen in "Wonderstruck"), Madison Iseman (last seen in "Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween"), Colin Hanks (last seen in "Elvis & Nixon"), Rhys Darby (last seen in "Killing Hasselhoff"), Bebe Neuwirth (last seen in "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"), Dania Ramirez (last heard in "Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay"), Massi Furlan (last seen in "Bad Boys for Life"), John Ross Bowie (last seen in "The Heat"), Lamorne Morris (last seen in "Game Night"), Lucy DeVito (last seen in "Can You Ever Forgive Me?"), Jennifer Patino, Madison Johnson, Vince Pisani (last seen in "Stuber"), Derek Russo (last seen in "The Mule"). 

RATING: 8 out of 10 stampeding ostriches

The House with a Clock in its Walls

Year 12, Day 302 - 10/28/20 - Movie #3,686

BEFORE: The month of October is winding down, just two films (and one skip day) after today.  I've reached the Jack Black portion of the year, with him carrying over from "Goosebumps 2" and it's probably pretty easy to see where I'll be tomorrow.  (Hmm, what other film was Jack Black that was released in 2019?). Another hint, it's a sequel - in fact, exactly half of my October films are sequels (or follow-ups or re-boots in some way).  12 original films, like today's, and 12 sequels - yes, I'm counting four of the five "Twilight" films in that math, because 4 out of 5 were sequels, even though I binge-watched the whole series this month, as God (?) intended - but only because I put that series off for SO long.  

Really, that shouldn't matter, sequel or no, because it's all grist for the mill at this point - just as HOW I watch each film shouldn't matter, but I track all that anyway.  I'd love to find out that cable isn't worth the money any more, and that I could, possibly, watch whatever movie I want whenever I want with the right combination of streaming services.  I'd dump Spectrum cable in a heartbeat if that were true, but I don't think as a movie-watching society that we're quite there yet.  Maybe I'm just old school, but I like making DVDs.  I like having a file on my DVR that will stay there until I'm ready to watch it, and it's not going to disappear until I say so.  (Umm, unless the drive crashes or I accidentally push the wrong button when I'm nodding off.  Could happen.)

Which leads to an interesting question, what is the streaming universe going to look like in 2 years, or 5 or even 10?  Nobody in 2010 could have imagined that Netflix and Disney and Amazon would be the big players (and to a lesser extent, Hulu and the new HBO Max and soon, Paramount/CBS).  Who's in charge of what's appearing where, if anyone?  Who's keeping track of it all?  I've often Googled a movie's title to find out where it's available and found that the information provided is wrong or incomplete, so how do we get a proper channel guide for the streaming universe, similar to the ones we have for cable?  Just wondering out loud.  

THE PLOT: A young orphan aids his magical uncle in locating a clock with the power to bring about the end of the world.  

AFTER: I'm back on spooky real estate tonight, which is kind of where I started, with the semi-haunted "Cabin in the Woods".  There were also haunted houses seen in "The Woman in Black", "The Addams Family" and "It: Chapter Two".  Let's not forget the haunted Overlook Hotel in "The Shining", and maybe if I expand the field a little bit we can count the dance studio with secrets in "Suspiria" and even "The Dark Tower".  But last night in "Goosebumps 2", there was a house that was decrepit and contained the magic book, but that's not really haunted, per se.  Still, it's definitely a running theme for this month. 

I think this film kind of proves my point about screenwriters not being in touch with the activities of modern school children, because this is set back in the year 1955, and that just seems a lot more in-line with Hollywood's vision of the average American school system.  Kids today are learning on laptops and tablets and taking classes on how to code web-sites, but if you watch current movies, you might think it's all still about book reports (like, what's a BOOK) and building stupid dioramas and science projects where they pour baking soda into a mock volcano.  The junior high science fairs these days are probably more likely to feature gene-splicing and tracking virus mutations, and if a science teacher sees another fake volcano, he'd probably shoot himself.  But moving the setting back to the 1950's seems to nearly take care of any problems there.  Though there's notable integration in the classrooms seen here, and I'm not sure Michigan was that liberal back in 1955.  

Lewis is a young boy who moves to Michigan after his parents die in a car crash, and his uncle Jonathan offers to take him in.  This means cookies for dinner are fine, Lewis can stay up as late as he wants, and oh, yeah, his uncle's a crazy warlock.  But he's being driven crazy by a ticking sound coming from the house's walls - allegedly, I didn't even hear it, but maybe I missed it.  Anyway, there's an odd plot point here where Jonathan has like a ton of clocks in the house, and the reason is so that he WON'T hear the clock that's hidden that's driving him crazy.  But then, umm, doesn't the sound of all the other clocks drive him crazy?  The more I think about this, the less sense it appears to make.  Like, if you WANT to find the clock that's ticking, then you WANT TO HEAR IT, and not the sound of the hundred other clocks you bought to have around. RIGHT?

Somehow, the whole house is a giant clock, or contains a giant clock, or there's a clock hidden in it.  Again, this is extremely unclear and confusing.  Some nights uncle Jonathan will roam around with an ax, and make holes in the wall in random places, trying to find the clock that he can no longer hear, or something.  Eventually we learn that the clock was placed in the house by Jonathan's old magician partner, Isaac Izard, who was also a warlock, but is now deceased, and the clock is counting down to something, nobody knows what, but it just can't be anything good.  Clearly there's a time limit for finding the clock, but nobody knows how much time is left, because they can't find the clock!  Ooh, a paradox!  

Meanwhile, Lewis has trouble fitting in at school, because bullies, except one of the bullies has a broken wrist and can't play football, so he needs Lewis to pitch baseballs to him.  Lewis might make more friends at school if only he's stop wearing those stupid aviator goggles, but really, what's the chance of that happening?  (I also wish screenwriters would stop confusing "being nerdy" with "not dressing well" or "not having a clue how to fit in")  The fact that Lewis has memorized the dictionary is probably also holding him back in the socializing department.  Hang in there, Lewis, it gets better for nerds, but probably not until the early 2000's. 

Lewis, while becoming a young practitioner of magic spells (what's the matter, he wasn't geeky enough BEFORE, with the goggles and the dictionary stuff and the Magic 8-Ball that he asks all his questions?) tries to impress his school friend by casting a forbidden necromancy spell, and that's where things really go wrong.  What a contrivance, though, that he manages to bring back the WORST possible person to life, the one who knows where the clock is and how to access it, and make it do what it's supposed to do.  Actually, this is all a bit unclear, too, because was the clock going to do THAT anyway when it finished it countdown, or did it always need a little help?  This raises a bunch of questions about fate and coincidence and whether everything happens for a reason, but unfortunately the film doesn't seem interested in providing any answers here, I'm not even sure it's aware of the questions.  A lot of stuff seems to get glossed over, that's all I'm saying.  

Plus, and big NITPICK POINT here, how do you have a hidden room like that in a house?  I can see if a hidden room is deep on the inside, maybe surrounded on all four sides by different rooms, and accessible by a secret door, but if that room has windows, how hidden could it possibly be?  If you're a homeowner, I don't care how big your house is, or how many rooms it has, but you make it your business to know how many rooms it has.  I have dreams sometimes where I'm exploring a new house and I keep finding room after room that I didn't know was already there, but that just can't happen in reality, especially, again, if those rooms have windows, and you can look into them as you walk around the outside of the house.  Saying something like, "Wait, there's an observatory in my house?  Where is it?" is patently ridiculous, if you think about it.  

But it's really more like a fun haunted house here, the chairs move around and the stained-glass windows change to predict the future, and then there's that whole clock thing.  It's a bit more like "Pee-Wee's Haunted Playhouse", which I suppose is what you get when you let Eli Roth direct a family film.  Yeah, that happened. 

Also starring Cate Blanchett (last seen in "Where'd You Go, Bernadette"), Owen Vaccaro (last seen in "Daddy's Home 2"), Kyle MacLachlan (last seen in "Peace, Love & Misunderstanding"), Renée Elise Goldsberry (last seen in "Sisters"), Sunny Suljic (last seen in "Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot"), Colleen Camp (last seen in "In Good Company"), Lorenza Izzo (last seen in "Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood"), Vanessa Anne Williams, Braxton Bjerken (last seen in "The 15:17 to Paris"), Christian Calloway, Alli Beckman, with a cameo from Eli Roth (last seen in "Godzilla: King of the Monsters"). 

RATING: 5 out of 10 kids in line at the drinking fountain (umm, how unsanitary...)

Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween

Year 12, Day 301 - 10/27/20 - Movie #3,685

BEFORE: Just few days left in October, and I'm hitting a Halloween-based film (you know, one where we see a lot of kids go out trick-or-treating and stuff) just a couple days early, but it is what it is.  It's Halloween Week, that's all that's important.  This should all make sense by the weekend, I hope.  Although it never really makes sense, does it?  I'm left with the feeling that I'm probably the only person in the world who would follow "Suspiria" (dark European horror) with "The Addams Family" (an animated movie aimed at...kids?) and then pivot back to "It: Chapter Two" (really scary stuff) and now I'm back on another kids movie.  I'm unique, I know it, so why am I not flooded with offers to have a movie review column somewhere (is there a magazine for people with OCD?) or my own TV show.  Guess I'll just muddle through without being famous.  

Jeremy Ray Taylor carries over from "It: Chapter Two". 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Goosebumps" (Movie #3,094)

THE PLOT: Two young friends find a magic book that brings a ventriloquist's dummy, then all of Halloween, to life. 

AFTER: Wow, what can I say about a sequel that just borrows elements from the previous film and regurgitates them back at you, without even trying to be original?  I haven't seen that happen since, well, "Jay and Silent Bob Reboot".  The only thing I can say about this as a horror film is that it really ISN'T a horror film, there's very little that's even remotely scary about it - other than the fact that ventriloquist dummies are creepy.  Sure, there are witches, a werewolf or two, maybe a mummy, and that yeti is back from the first film (again, nearly everything from the first film is back in some fashion).  One guy gets turned into a troll (?) and basically everybody's Halloween decorations come to life, but it never feels like anybody is in any REAL danger, because it's a movie for kids.  

The theory, I guess, is that kids love Halloween and want to see all the plastic and inflatable lawn decorations come to life - but do they?  Really?  Do I want my candy to be walking around like it's alive?  I don't even want to see chickens walking around like they're alive, because then I might feel bad when I eat them, so I certainly don't want to see delicious gummy bears walking around, they'd be too cute to eat.  

With the scare factor turned way down, there's little point in having all these beasties come to life, besides, we've SEEN that happen before, it was called "Goosebumps".  The makers of the first film were not involved here, and so with an almost completely new cast (Jack Black's the only actor in both films, playing a fictional version of kiddie horror writer R.L. Stine) I guess somebody figured, "Well, let's just keep the same story elements as the last film, so everybody will know it's a sequel."  And so therefore no screenwriters had to work hard (or at all) to make this sequel.  New setting, new actors, but the same old crap.  

Only they felt the need to bring it in under 90 minutes long, and speed through every plot point in the hopes that nobody would notice that it doesn't make any sense, even when you consider that it's a film about fictional monsters coming to life, and jumping out of, then being sucked back into a book.  And I find that I can't accuse the film of not following its own internal logic, since it hasn't got any to begin with.  Every little story element, from the two teen boys running a junk collection business, to finding the magic book in the creepy house, to the mother flirting with the guy who works at the pharmacy, none of it makes any sense or seems even close to being realistic.  Film writers and directors prove once again here that they have NO IDEA what it means to be a kid who goes to school - all filmmakers just seem to fall back on tropes and memes from OTHER movies about bullying, science projects, and gym class.  Characters in a movie released in 2018 are still attending classes set in the 1980's, it seems.  

Still, it could have been worse - the original drafts for this screenplay were set at a theme-park called "Horrorland", and the only thing I've seen more often than terrible high-school set scripts are terrible amusement park-scripts, like ones where it's clear that a screenwriter doesn't know the difference between a theme park, a circus and a county fair.  There are definite differences, only a movie theme park usually ends up being a weird combination of all three.  Yes, I'm talking about "Toy Story 4", but it's one of many.

I'm going to focus on just ONE bad script decision here, let's assume it's the worst of many - giant NITPICK POINT occurs when every Halloween decoration comes to life, and the evil ventriloquist doll has had the main characters' mother kidnapped by a giant spider creature made of balloons.  Suddenly it's very, very urgent that our heroes go and rescue their mother, but instead they then spend several HOURS disguising themselves in elaborate costumes (because the neighbor character is obsessed with decorating, and has a whole design studio in his house) so they can cross the town safely while it's crawling with monsters.  WHAT?  If their mother had been kidnapped by ravenous flesh-eating zombies, and they had to rush to save her, would it make sense to bring in a Hollywood make-up artist to make them look like zombies, spending three hours (minimum) in a make-up chair, just so they could go and save her?  It might be a clever plan, but by the time they finish disguising themselves, Mom's already been eaten.   

There is, however, one thing that's CLOSE to an interesting idea, and maybe if someone had invested a little more time and effort, it could have amounted to something - this is set in a New York town called Wardenclyffe, and features an abandoned factory and tower with a statue of Nikola Tesla in front of it.  The lead teen, Sonny, does his science project on Tesla by building a diorama of the factory and tower, and making the tower electrically powered for some reason. (Again, the director made a conscious decision to not get bogged down in any details, because he was on a tight schedule, apparently.). 

Now, there WAS a real Wardenclyffe Tower, built at the laboratory of the real Nikola Tesla (only in the real town of Shoreham, NY) and the real story about this tower is more fascinating than anything seen in "Goosebumps 2".  It looked a bit like the Coney Island parachute drop, but this was essentially the first cel tower ever built, sort of.  Tesla wanted to use it to send electronic messages, even faxes, to England and also to ships at sea.  His work was financed by J.P. Morgan and he was on a course to show that Marconi fellow a thing or two.  Tesla was planning to inject electric current into the Earth at just the right frequency, to harness the planet's own electrical charge and thus amplify his waves to send signals across the globe, umm, or something like that.  It's all very technical.  I guess we're all lucky he didn't blow up the world in 1902 with this. 

At any rate, he had the tower built as an eventual replacement for the telegraph, so essentially, Tesla was just a man ahead of his time.  The facility that once held all of his generators, transformers, Tesla coils and a whole bunch of tubes and wires is still there, but the tower was dismantled in 1917 and sold for scrap.  Tesla had suffered a nervous breakdown in 1906 after financial problems.  Many of his patents had expired, and plans to commercialize his inventions came to naught.  For several decades (1970's and 80's) the building was home to AGFA, the photography giant.  It's now on the Registry of Historic Places, and funds have been raised to turn it into a science museum.  This is all the sort of thing I find fascinating, and perhaps I'll gain more insight when I watch the 2020 film "Tesla", starring Ethan Hawke, and also there's a film running on cable now called "The Current War", with Benedict Cumberbatch as Edison and Nicholas Hoult as Tesla.  But that's something to think about for next year. 

"Goosebumps 2" really glosses over the Tesla sub-plot, even when Sonny delivers his science report on the famous man, it's noticeably void of any details.  That's a mistake, they had ONE chance to drop a tiny bit of knowledge on today's kids, and they blew it.  The rest of the film has no nutritional value, it's even worse than Halloween candy in that regard.  It's more like orange cotton candy, with a quick buzz, but it dissolves so fast that you're left with a too-sweet aftertaste, and nothing more.  

Also starring Madison Iseman (last seen in "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle"), Caleel Harris, Wendi McLenon-Covey (last seen in "Mark Felt: The Man Who Brought Down the White House"), Chris Parnell (last seen in "The Laundromat"), Ken Jeong (last seen in "Killing Hasselhoff"), Jack Black (last seen in "Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot"), Bryce Cass (last seen in "Battle Los Angeles"), Peyton Wich, Kendrick Cross (last seen in "Father Figures"), Shari Headley, Courtney Lauren Cummings (last seen in "Fist Fight"), Jessi Goei, the voice of Mick Wingert (last heard in "Kung Fu Panda 3"), with a cameo from R.L. Stine (last seen in "Goosebumps"). 

RATING: 3 out of 10 poorly-carved pumpkins