Rumours

Year 18, Day 7 - 1/7/26 - Movie #5,207

BEFORE: I recorded this film to go on a DVD with tomorrow's film, maybe I didn't look very closely at it while I dubbed it, because I'm clueless. But it seemed like a political thriller set at the G7 conference, so there's that. There's another film called "G20" on Amazon Prime but my linking system can't get me there, but also there's "Heads of State" and "A House of Dynamite" which are also about global crises and I've got both of those on the docket for January, somewhere in between "The Naked Gun" and "The Phoenician Scheme". I believe in the linking system and sometimes it takes me on these paths with running themes....

Cate Blanchett carries over from "Black Bag". 

THE PLOT: The leaders of seven wealthy democracies get lost in the woods while drafting a statement on a global crisis, facing danger as they attempt to find their way out. 

AFTER: The poster for this one says it's like "Dr. Strangelove" meets "Night of the Living Dead", but I've got a different opinion. To me, it's more like "London Has Fallen" meets "Save Yourselves!", if that makes any sense. It's a bunch of silly nonsense, really, and it's not put together in a good way, because there's so little information here about what's happening to the world that we the audience are never really sure. The world is supposedly "on fire" while the world leaders are at the G7 conference, but what does that mean? Is it literal or figurative? The emergency in question seems to have some of the characteristics of an alien invasion, zombie apocalypse and/or climate disaster, without being any of those things outright. As a result, the film just did not hold my attention, and I fell asleep halfway through. I woke up, rewound, found where I left off and then promptly fell asleep again. So I had to finish the last 30 minutes of the film in the morning, which is never a good sign. 

This seems to be loosedly based on some version of reality at first, I mean the German president is a woman (Schmangela Schmerkel) and the Canadian President is something of a ladies man, prone to affairs - while the U.S. President is just very very old and in his second term, yet he casually mentions that he wants to be President for the next 100 years. Gee, that reminds me of somebody but I can't QUITE figure out who. I'll admit that I have no idea who the president or prime minister of France, Italy, Japan or even the U.K. are right now, so I guess no comment. Wait, Macron, is he still the President of France? OK, that's one more point for me. 

But if "Black Bag" was the thinking man's film about international intrigue, this one, by contrast, is rather stupid. The world leaders at the G7 conference start their work drafting a statement about the current international crisis, but you may notice the film never really tells us what that crisis IS. Then night falls and their wait staff and other attendants sort of disappear, and again, no explanation. Their phones suddenly don't work, or perhaps there's nobody left in the world to contact, again, this is quite unclear. The wind blows away the French President's notes and he goes to chase them, returning HOURS later, covered in mud. WTF?  Meanwhile there's tension because the Canadian Prime Minister and the U.K. Prime minister had an affair at the last G7 and well, for one of them it was just a fling. So the Canadian guy turns his attention to the German Chancellor, god forbid he go one world summit without getting some action. 

There's thick fog in the woods, and some kind of groaning or chanting coming from somewhere. In the first part of the film they hinted at what's to come by showing the excavated bodies of "bog people" who fell into the swamp a thousand years ago, but the swamp somehow preserved their mummified bodies but softened the bones, so they're all floppy. Say, you don't suppose... who had re-animation of the dead on their 2024 bingo card? Things get even weirder when the group finds an enormous brain in the woods and the missing President of the European Commission, who can suddenly speak Swedish and talks about the coming of "Astrid", who is also the Night Queen and will correct (perhaps destroy) the world. Right, it's a lot to take in, plus it doesn't make any sense and then the movie changes course and kind of forgets all about this little narrative path. It's maddening how the film is firing in these different directions without telling us anything about anything. 

Well, the group of world leaders somehow manages to get out of the woods and back to the compound, only there's no staff, still no phone service and the world is apparently still on fire.  They all get their complimentary swag bags, which thankfully have snacks in them, and they manage to finish the goal of the summit, which is to release a statement on the current world crisis - but it's a collection of different random thoughts pieced together, and in the end it doesn't make any sense at all. Gee, that's just like the film itself. It's notable that whenever the screenwriters don't need a character any more, that character commits suicide. Very sloppy work, somebody just didn't know what to do with their own creations, and suicide is the easy way out, so to speak. 

I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm currently headed straight (OK, not straight) for "The Naked Gun" and "The Phoenician Scheme". Better days and better movies lie ahead, hopefully. 

Directed by Evan Johnson, Galen Johnson, Guy Maddin

Also starring Roy Dupuis, Denis Menochet (last seen in "Beau Is Afraid"), Charles Dance (last seen in "The First Omen"), Nikki Amuka-Bird (last seen in "Here"), Rolando Rovello, Takehiro Hira (last seen in "Captain America: Brave New World"), Alicia Vikander (last seen in "Son of a Gun"), Zlatko Buric (last seen in "Superman" (2025)), Tomi Kosynus, Ralph Berkin (last seen in "The Song of Names"), Alexa Kennedy,

RATING: 3 out of 10 aluminum blankets

Black Bag

Year 18, Day 6 - 1/6/26 - Movie #5,206

BEFORE: Pierce Brosnan carries over from "The Out-Laws" and becomes the first actor with three confirmed appearances, so he'll make the year-end countdown, and then Cate Blanchett and Jamie Lee Curtis should be joining him soon. It's WAY too early to think about the end of 2026, but I'm taking some steps to make the year-end processing a bit easier, it took about four or five days of my time in December, thank God I wasn't working a lot. Anyway the goal for this year is to work more at both jobs, or maybe get a new FT, so maybe I can't spend so much time on year-end matters come December. 

EDIT: I forgot to mention that I came in contact with Pierce Brosnan last year - well, almost. He was at the theater where I work for a preview screening of a TV show called "MobLand", not any of the movies I watched this week. I was a few feet behind him as he greeted fans and signed some autographs, Tom Hardy did the same thing about half an hour later. I was reminded of this because I'm going through my photos from last year, downloading the good ones from the cloud to my computer, so I can then delete them from my phone. Which I think then also deletes them from the cloud, but it's OK because I already have them saved in two places, on Flickr and my hard drive. 

THE PLOT: When an intelligence agent is suspected of betraying the nation, her husband - also a legendary agent - faces the ultimate test of whether to be loyal to his marriage or his country. 

AFTER: Most movies about spies would have us believe that they lead lives of action and danger - shoot-outs and car chases, undercover sting operations, wearing disguises and raiding hideouts, stuff like that. But what if the opposite is true?  What if the life really entails a bunch of meetings, conference calls and expense reports, turning in your receipts at the end of the week or sifting through mountains of bank records, trying to spot illicit accounts? You know, like a regular boring JOB? Then there are dinner parties, office birthday parties and the tedious business of trying to keep straight which co-workers are sleeping with which, so you don't say anything that's TOO offensive about anyone?  I guess it's possible - either that or somebody challenged Steven Soderbergh to make a boring movie about espionage, and he accepted. 

The central characters here are married - to each other - and they both work in the intelligence game, or counter-intelligence, whatever that is (it's either spies vs. spies, or it's the process of being dumb, not sure). But how does THAT work, exactly, they've both got busy schedules and they can't work the same operation, obviously, there could be a conflict of interest or they'd be tempted to favor their spouse's well-being over the goals of the operation, and therefore the nation. So the very nature of their profession means they can't talk too much shop at home, so therefore keeping secrets from each other is kind of the default setting. One's always jetting off to some other city on the DL and can't divulge details about it, simply because one is not the superior officer to the other and everything's on a need-to-know basis. If there's anything they can't tell their spouse, they just say it's in the "black bag".  

The implication here is that this includes affairs, and the foil characters here (the ones who are NOT married) all seem to have multiple sex partners, on and off the job, and even when there's a committed relationship between two agents it's not exclusive, so everyone's cheating on everyone else and they all just take it in stride, like it's part of the job. Unless someone who's been cheated on decides to stab her boyfriend in the hand with a steak knife during a dinner party. Umm, I don't think she's cool with it. Also, the agents report for regular psych exams, there's like a therapist on staff so they can all work this stuff out, except the therapist herself is sleeping with one of the agents. (It's that red-hot actor from "Bridgerton", so yeah, I get it, but that's probably still some kind of ethical and/or HR violation.)

Unless it's a comedy, there's really nothing that kills the forward motion of a narrative film like a therapy session - and there are a few of them here. Same goes for polygraph tests, those are also known momentum killers or just plain time-fillers. Which again leads me to think that somebody SET OUT to make a boring spy movie, even more boring than "Bridge of Spies", and that's saying something. Sure, this is right up Soderbergh's alley, but essentially this is the "Sex, Lies, and Videotape" of spy movies. Maybe that should be "Sex, Lives and Satellite Surveillance", which is a terrible name for a movie BUT it's accurate. 

The plot here (what there is of one) involves a software program code-named Severus. Rather than being a "master code hack" thing as I've seen many times, it's a bit of malware that's designed to get past nuclear security and force a meltdown or something. It was made by the good guys (UK) but once it's out there, that means it can be bought by the bad guys and used against the good guys. Great job, guys. 

George Woodhouse in counter-intelligence has been given one week to figure out which of five agents leaked the software, and naturally one of those five is his own wife. George first invites all of them over for dinner and suggests a party game that gives him some insight, but then when his wife takes a sudden trip to Zurich and won't give him the details (they're in the "black bag", right?) he starts to wonder if his wife is the leak, and spies on her meeting with a Russian dissident by using a satellite. It looks like she's selling the malware, but is that really what's going on? Or is she being set up? Quick, set up polygraph tests for everyone! And schedule another dinner party, with another nasty party game!

It turns out you can have an action film that's high-energy or a film full of intrigue that explores personal deceptions and motivations, but you can't really have both, can you?  How many car chases did we miss out on so we could have a very long dinner party scene?

Directed by Steven Soderbergh (director of "Side Effects" and "No Sudden Move")

Also starring Michael Fassbender (last seen in "Next Goal Wins"), Gustaf Skarsgard (last seen in "Oppenheimer"), Cate Blanchett (last seen in "Call Me Kate"), Tom Burke (last seen in "Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga"), Marisa Abela (last seen in "Barbie"), Regé-Jean Page (last seen in "Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves"), Naomie Harris (last seen in "Street Kings"), Kae Alexander (last seen in "Maleficent: Mistress of Evil"), Martin Bassindale (last seen in "Here"), Megan Kimber, Paul Bailey (last seen in "Stan & Ollie"), Bruce Mackinnon (last seen in "The Duchess"), Orli Shuka (last seen in "All the Old Knives"), Daniel Dow, Ambika Mod, Alex Magliaro, Summer Knox

RATING: 5 out of 10 easter-egg references to James Bond films

The Out-Laws

Year 18, Day 5 - 1/5/26 - Movie #5,205

BEFORE: Pierce Brosnan carries over from "The Thursday Murder Club", but we'll see Celia Imrie again (great to see her name above the title, BTW) in February if the plan holds. I can't really see after just five days where this year is headed, but it's definitely in fine shape, I don't have many issues with this line-up so far. Give it time, though, I'm sure I'll find something to complain about. 

THE PLOT: A straight-laced bank manager is about to marry the love of his life, but when his bank is held up during his wedding week, he starts to believe his future in-laws, who just arrived in town, are the infamous Ghost Bandits. 

AFTER: This is one of those films that tries to be a bunch of different things at the same time - it's a comedy film, it's an action/heist film, there's a bit of romance/relationship stuff because there's a wedding with two sets of parents. The two families are VERY different, of course, because therein lies the comedy. The lead character is caught in the middle because his own parents are so normal and his fiancee's parents are so mysterious that he's never even met them, supposedly they're living with some tribe in the Amazon, but they resurface for their daughter's wedding, of course. 

But is their story just a bit unbelievable? All that Owen really knows about them is that they have a storage unit in town, and Owen, maker of craft projects and video collages, innocently calls the storage place to see if he can get some photos of his future in-laws - but this inquiry alerts some very bad people who know the missing McDermotts, and they suddenly arrive in town, a few days ahead of schedule. They were going to fly in the night before the wedding and leave right after, which is another bit of suspicious behavior. Owen also happens to be a bank manager, and his wife's parents have a lot of questions for him about the bank's security systems. Sure, maybe they're just making idle conversation, but when two masked people with their builds rob his bank the next day, Owen starts putting two and two together. 

This puts him in a difficult spot, if he tells his wife he thinks her parents are bank robbers, that could be the end of the relationship, even if he's right. If he turns them in to the FBI agent, he could be held complicit in the robbery, because he accidentally told them everything they needed to know. Screenwriting is all about choices, of course, and this could have gone down two ways, there's one movie if they ARE the Ghost Bandits, and there's another movie if they are not. Umm, which one has the most comedy potential? Exactly. It turns out the McDermotts have been on the run because they owe money their crime boss, who never got her cut from their last job. Which explains why they've been in hiding all this time, it was to protect their daughter. Yeah, I know, the logic isn't really there to support this decision, like we care about our daughter so much we're going to stay out of her life?  Another possible solution would be to stop robbing banks, but I suppose that's out of the question. 

The million dollars that they owe the mobster has risen to five million over time, that's how interest works with these unsavory types - also, you know, inflation because have you seen how expensive everything is these days?  You almost do need to become a bank robber to supplement your income these days - I know I'm working two part-time jobs and it feels like I'm always running out of money. Once the mobster learns the Ghost Bandits have a daughter, naturally she kidnaps Parker to insure she gets the money she's owed within the next week. Oh, if only the Bandits knew somebody who has enviously studied the security systems of all of the competing banks in town. Wait a sec...

Owen finds himself participating in a larger heist, but only to save his fiancee. Again, there's a narrative choice to be made here, because one option would be to have the Ghost Bandits turn themselves in to the FBI and flip on their crime boss. But option B, to proceed with yet another heist that goes incredibly, impossibly sideways has much more comedy potential, so really, that's not much of a choice at all.

I may give this film an extra point for the syntax of the title, it's a great play on the word "in-laws" considering that the potential in-laws are also potential out-laws. I'm reminded of a gag in an animated feature called "The Tune" which had a nonsense song about a town called "Flooby Nooby" with a bunch of crazy characters. One was a transvestite guy who lived on the edge of town and the song lyric was "Burt's in the outskirts, in skirts." 

Directed by Tyler Spindel (director of "The Wrong Missy")

Also starring Adam Devine (last seen in "Isn't It Romantic"), Ellen Barkin (last seen in "The Man from Toronto"), Nina Dobrev (last seen in "Then Came You"), Michael Rooker (last heard in "Superman" (2025)), Poorna Jagannathan (last seen in "Awake"), Richard Kind (last seen in "18 1/2"), Julie Hagerty (last seen in "Albert Brooks: Defending My Life"), Blake Anderson (last seen in "Dope"), Lauren Lapkus (last seen in "The Wrong Missy"), Lil Rel Howery (last seen in "I Love My Dad"), Dean Winters (last seen in "Framing John DeLorean"), Laci Mosley, Dan Jablons, Sunny Sandler (last seen in "Happy Gilmore 2"), Jackie Sandler (ditto), Peggy Walton-Walker (last seen in "Queen Bees"), Mo Gallini, Betsy Sodaro (last heard in "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish"), Cale Schultz, Paul Eliopoulos, Setaleki Manu, Reyn Doi (last heard in "Kung Fu Panda 4"), Josh Bolla, John Wesley Randall, Gigi Bermingham (last seen in "Alex & Emma"), John Winscher, Montrel Miller, Zele Avradopoulos. 

RATING: 6 out of 10 action figures (aww, why didn't I have Chewbacca at MY wedding?)

The Thursday Murder Club

Year 18, Day 4 - 1/4/26 - Movie #5,204

BEFORE: I was able to squeeze in the "Stranger Things" finale yesterday afternoon, since I had nothing else going on. Who the hell releases horror-themed stuff on Christmas and New Year's? It's so out of season... Anyway they really dragged out this last season, especially the final two-hour episode which was full of flashbacks to previous seasons, so yeah, about half an hour of story stretched out to two hours, and they also screened it in theaters? Who the hell pays to see something on the big screen they can see at home on Netflix for, well, not FREE but for what you're already paying for the streaming subscription? It's madness, but hey, it's over and now I never need to watch that show again. 

Jonathan Pryce carries over from "The Penguin Lessons" and I'm back on movies that were NOT made in Argentina. I'm posting late today because I had to go work at Barclay's on Kids Day as the Nets played the Denver Nuggets - and I had subway problems both going there AND coming home. On the way there, the G train was partially out for track work and I had to take a shuttle bus for the last four stops, so I figured I needed to come home a different way, so I took a train into Manhattan to get home, only to find that the L train was out because somebody was hit by a train in Brooklyn, and really there's no other way to get home from there, so I had to just sit on the platform for an hour and wait it out, adding an extra hour to my journey. Well, I've got the next two days off so I can stay up tonight and blog before getting to the next film. 

THE PLOT: Four retirees spend their time solving cold case murders for fun, but their casual sleuthing takes a thrilling turn when they find themselves with a real whodunit on their hands. 

AFTER: Since most network shows are still on hiatus, I may need to find another streaming show to binge this week, now that I'm done with "Stranger Things". Maybe "Ms. Marvel" or "Ironheart", I back-burnered those a while ago. But the streaming show that I would compare today's film to is "Only Murders in the Building", and I'm all caught up on that one. I know this movie is based on a book, but it reminds me of that Steve Martin/Martin Short show, where amateur sleuths work together to solve the murders around them, logically this film could then be called "Only Murders in the Retirement Home", only what do they call a retirement home in the U.K.? It seems they use the terms "care home" and "nursing home" (like we do) and it's not some weird word like "nappy" or "lorry" or "geezer flat". 

I'm also reminded of last year's film "Queen Bees", where Ellen Burstyn's character moved into a nursing home and found that James Caan, Jane Curtin and Ann-Margret were all living there. Is that what happens around Los Angeles, are the old folks homes filled with actors who can't find work any more? It's often hard to tell what happens to the actors who can't find work any more, maybe if they saved their royalties they can stay in their homes, but as they grow older, they also may find they need more access to medical care, so, you know, I guess maybe there are nursing homes for some actors. You know, character actors and bit players. Look, I'm one to talk, I'm in my late 50's now so in 10 years I could easily be ready for some kind of assisted living. My parents are both 84 now, what am I going to do if I live that long? I can't move in with my kids because I don't have any. 

Anyway, the Thursday Murder Club is a group of four people from diverse backgrounds who get together once a week and try to solve cold cases. There's a fifth member who used to be on the police force, but she's in the hospice wing and basically comatose. (Narratively, this could be important later.) We join the other three members as they induct a replacement, Joyce, a new resident who's a retired trauma nurse, and could give some needed insight to the injuries depicted in crime scene reports. The other members are Ron, a former union leader, Ibrahim, a retired psychiatrist, and Elizabeth, a former MI-6 agent, and yes, all of the skills from their former professions are important here. I like that, because the retired people (well, the ones without dementia, anyway) still remember their previous lives and everything they've learned over the years is still important and potentially relevant. 

They're solving crimes and looking for some kind of new connection to the police force, at a time when the men who own the retirement home they live in apparently want to redevelop the property into luxury apartments, and they don't want to wait for all the old people to pass away first. So there's trouble brewing, and when one of the three owners is found murdered, it becomes very urgent that they help solve the crime, because that man's share of the property reverts to the other owners, and this could change the balance of power, assuming there was some disagreement between the owners over the future of the care home. The easiest thing to do would be to assume that one co-owner killed the one who wanted to block the sale, but can the Thursday Murder Club prove it? 

The Club befriends Donna, a local constable who was sent to the care home to deliver a lecture on home security, and they turn her into their "woman on the inside" to get details of the crime scene that they can pore over. But then during a protest against the re-development, a second co-owner of the property also dies suddenly, making every single elderly resident, including the members of the club, into suspects. Ron's son Jason, a boxing champion, has also been known to have done some odd jobs for the building's mysterious owner, who happens to be a known criminal that essentially disappeared years ago. It's easy enough to assume that both murders are connected, but are they? Or should the Murder Club be investigating them separately? And how much can the Club learn from the police and the care home handymen, just by giving them cakes? God, this would be adorable if it weren't all so murdery and such. 

Things manage to get more confusing before they get sorted out. Why is there a body buried in the cemetery on top of someone else's coffin? Why do the building owners take the passports away from the immigrants who work for them? And who keeps sending out threatening notes to the Murder Club, along with bouquets of flowers? And can Elizabeth's husband both crack the case AND also remember that he cracked the case? 

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to schedule this film on a Thursday - it's the luck of the draw, but I hope to make up for that this coming Friday. Now, can we get cracking on a sequel to this film before everyone involved gets too old? 

Directed by Chris Columbus (director of "The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two" and "Rent")

Also starring Helen Mirren (last heard in "Barbie"), Pierce Brosnan (last seen in "Tom Hanks: The Nomad"), Ben Kingsley (last seen in "Music by John Williams"), Celia Imrie (last seen in "Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie"), Naomi Ackie (last seen in "Blink Twice"), Daniel Mays (last heard in "Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget"), Henry Lloyd-Hughes (last seen in "Man Up"), Tom Ellis (last seen in "Players"), David Tennant (last seen in "Einstein and Eddington"), Geoff Bell (last seen in "The Rhythm Section"), Paul Freeman (last seen in "The Long Good Friday"), Richard E. Grant (last seen in "Death of a Unicorn"), Ingrid Oliver (last seen in "Last Christmas"), Joseph Marcell (last seen in "Cry Freedom"), Martin Bishop (last seen in "The Hustle"), Ruth Sheen (last seen in "A Royal Night Out"), Susan Kirby, Shane David-Joseph, David Garlick, Gary Bates, Will Stevens, Russell Barnett, Nic Lamont, Everly Klann, Jarreau Antoine, Vanessa Bauer, Richenda Carey (last seen in "The Protégé"), Stan Pretty, David Burton, Sonia Elliman, Rashford Angus, Anah Ruddin, Jacqueline Clarke, Imogen Leaver, and the voice of Darren Richardson (last seen in "Velvet Buzzsaw").

RATING: 7 out of 10 people in water aerobics class

The Penguin Lessons

Year 18, Day 3 - 1/3/26 - Movie #5,203

BEFORE: This Movie Year has started with a distinct focus on Argentina, my first three movies were all made and/or set there, this makes sense because as you'd expect, the linking system has grouped the films with Argentinian actors together - so I've learned that the country seems to have its own film industry and corresponding set of actors. Good to know. But one of the two British actors in this film will be my link back to US/UK films and we can proceed from there. 

Alfonsina Carrocio carries over from "Society of the Snow". 

THE PLOT: A disillusioned Englishman goes to work in a school in a divided Argentina in 1976 and finds his life transformed when he rescues an orphaned penguin from the beach. 

AFTER: Before I get really into this, I want to point out that there are TWO penguin-related films on my list. Today's film is about a teacher in Argentina who rescues a penguin and that transforms his life, and the other film ("My Penguin Friend") is about a fisherman in Brazil who rescues a pengiun, and, shocker, that transforms his life. Today's film just happened to come up first in the linking system, and there is NO direct link to the other film, or I would schedule that one tomorrow, for comparative purposes. Today's film has Steve Coogan, who's always a welcome sight here at the Movie Year, and the other film stars Jean Reno, who, well, can go kick rocks. (He knows what he did...)

Seriously, I do like Coogan, though - "Tropic Thunder" was probably the first film I saw him in, back in the day, but I maybe didn't pay TOO much attention to him until he was in "Night at the Museum". Then of course there was "The Trip" and "Philomena" and since then he's been an easy program, if he's in a film, it makes the list. Hell, I even endured "Hamlet 2" and "Joker 2", but it all paid off last year when I finally caught up with him in "The Lost King". (Steve, if I can call you Steve, maybe avoid sequels that don't have "Despicable Me" in the title. Just a thought.)

With the exception of Stan Laurel, he's best at playing these "stuffed shirt" types, upper middle-class people who have some authority (but not too much) and who have to then complain as the world is falling apart around them. It's the "Basil Fawlty" school of comedy (RIP Prunella Scales, BTW) and then once you have the character, you've got to make him the "man in the middle", there are people under him (hotel workers, for example) that he needs to control, and people above him (hotel reviewers, food critics) who he has to kiss up to, and OF COURSE he's going to mess things up while trying to fix everything. That's comedy. 

Obviously I set this chain up weeks ago, I had no idea that I would wake up on January 3 and find out my country has invaded Venezuela. Yes, I realize that Argentina and Venezuela are at opposite ends of a very large continent, but the storyline here might be somewhat applicable to current events. "The Penguin Lessons" is set in Argentina in 1976, after the coup d'etat that removed Isabel Peron from power, and a military junta had been installed, which would remain in power for the next seven years, with the next democratic election held in 1983. During the reign of the military and dictator Jorge Videla, it's estimated that 30,000 young people, opponents of his regime, were made to disappear. Look, I don't know what's been going on in Venezuela (I'll look it up after I post today, I promise) but I have a feeling that history has been sort of repeating itself in a different country. But this is what's been going on in AMERICA too, anyone who's been critical of the President is on an enemies list somewhere, and our glorious leader has been doing everything within his power (and a few things that aren't) to make their lives miserable, or ship them to somewhere else. 

Which makes this film super relevant to current events in both North AND South America. For those who cannot remember what happened under Nixon and Reagan, shame on you, because it's all happening again, and it's worse than ever before. Nixon had Vietnam and Reagan had El Salvador and Nicaragua, and now Trump's got Venezuela, and anyone who had "start a war to distract from the Epstein files" on their 2026 bingo card is one step closer to winning. But let's get back to Argentina, because today's film gives us a ground-level view on what happened right after the military junta filled the power void. 

Tom Michell takes a position as an English teacher (and assistant rugby coach) to a bunch of entitled Argentinian school-boys, they don't want to learn or even listen to him, but Michell, doesn't care, he's getting paid - plus you get the idea that he just wants to disappear from his own life. Personal tragedies and all that - so when a bombing forces the school to shut down for a week, he decides to visit Chile for a week with another teacher to maybe meet a lady or two. (For the love of God, PLEASE don't take a plane over the Andes, it doesn't end well.). Tom and his wingman meet a pair of ladies at a dance club, and while strolling with Carina on the beach, they encounter a penguin who's been beached after an oil spill. To impress Carina, he takes the penguin back to his hotel and they do the good deed of cleaning the oil off the bird in the bathtub. It's a great ice-breaker, but before things go too far, Carina reveals she's married and has to leave, while Tom gets stuck with a penguin who won't leave his side. 

He tries to ignore the penguin, he tries to toss it back to the sea, and finally he has to return to Argentina, and finds himself trying to smuggle the penguin back with him. This puts him in contact with Chilean officials, who gradually transition from "You can't take the penguin, we will arrest you." to "You must take the penguin, or we will arrest you." This is a quite nimble bit of comedy, I'm not saying it's logical but it gets the film where it needs to go.  The penguin needs to be at the school to be a figurative "fish out of water", just as Tom himself is. 

After comedic misguided attempts to hide the penguin in his apartment, the bird ends up being the world's greatest ice-breaker, his maid wants to care for it, his fellow teacher uses it as his therapist and it becomes the thing that grabs his students' attention and forces them to study. And while Tom teaches his students about metaphors, the penguin itself becomes a metaphor - not only for Tom (the other "fish out of water") but also later a metaphor for Sofia, who has been captured by the military police and imprisoned. Tom gets an opportunity to give the penguin to a zoo, but that means it will have to live in quarantine for several weeks, and that cage looks a little too much like a jail cell, and reminds him of Sofia. Sofia reminds him of something else, of course, but that's another story. 

If you crossed "Mr. Popper's Penguins" with "Dead Poets Society" and threw in a bit of "Marley and Me", you might get something like this film. But then, I've probably said too much there, haven't I?  The thing about all pets, even penguins, is that they don't live forever in the human world, and having lost one of our cats at Thanksgiving, the message here kind of hit home. But we have to remember, if we take in a stray animal, they'll probably live longer under our care than they would in the wild, assuming we're protecting them properly. And it's better that we had the time together with them that we did, even if it felt short. When they pass on we are sad, but we should be happy about the fact that we are sad. I know that doesn't make sense, but it should. 

The bottom line is, you've got to "put the penguin in the pool". Well, it's not exactly "carpe diem" but it's what we've got to work with here. 

Directed by Peter Cattaneo (director of "Lucky Break" and "The Rocker")

Also starring Steve Coogan (last seen in "Joker: Folie a Deux"), Julia Fossi, Jonathan Pryce (last seen in "All the Old Knives"), Vivian El Jaber, David Herrero, Bjorn Gustafsson (last seen in "Spy"), Brendan McNamee, Joaquin Lopez, Hugo Fuertes, Miguel Alejandro Serrano, Almar Miranda, Nicanor Fernandez, Gera Maleh, Micaela Breque, Florencia Nocetti, Romina Cocca, Juan M. Barreiro, Osvaldo Ayre, Tomas Pozzi (last seen in "Risen"), Ramiro Blas, Liam Mayne, Ana Carolina Parisi, Josefina Montserrat.

RATING: 7 out of 10 sprats

Society of the Snow

Year 18, Day 2 - 1/2/26 - Movie #5,202

BEFORE: Before I forget, let me talk about what went down on New Year's Eve - I booked a gig working check-in at a prominent chain restaurant in Manhattan, for reference sake let's just call it "PinaColadaBurg". I'm an events guy now, I have five years experience in that position (plus 25 years before that doing random events here and there) so I figured I could make some fast money while the movie theater is still on winter break. And New Year's is the biggest event night of all, I figured there had to be work somewhere, so I found it. I even qualified for a leadership role, mostly because I showed up early for the interview (I've got them all fooled, I tell ya - I clean up good and play the part of "responsible person" very well).  

Then I found out that although the restaurant is a few blocks south of Times Square, it's within the zone that the police block off for the big annual ball drop - if you're a New Yorker like me, you usually watch this on TV and probably have a rule about never, ever going there, because that's for tourists and suckers. Well, I'm not a tourist or a sucker but I found myself scheduled for an event next to the event with the biggest crowd anywhere, and, as I've always assumed, the most chaos possible. 

SO with dollar signs in my eyes, I bundled up in layers and headed for the one place that I swore I would never go, Times Square on New Year's Eve. I knew the location because my comic book shop is right across the street, and I had been invited by the event manager to join her on a walk-through of the space the week before. I figured any knowledge I could gain from seeing the space or talking to the staff would be useful, but all the prep in the world could not have prevented the chaos that ensued. Long entry lines, bitter cold, and confusing ticket structure was the start of it, then there were multiple problems with random people sitting where they weren't supposed to, guests demanding services they were entitled to but hadn't received, and very confusing instructions from the event organizers - like, is re-entry allowed or not allowed? You know, it doesn't matter, because even if it's not allowed, people are very entitled these days and they're just going to do whatever they want. 

The worst thing that happened was that even though the TVs in the restaurant were all tuned to the ball drop, and champagne was handed out to everyone at 11:45, somebody realized that the actual live event was happening just a few blocks away, and it would be really great if they walked outside with their champagne and experienced the majesty of the event live, in person. So suddenly 200 of my guests were walking out of the event with drinks in hand (umm, it's illegal to drink alcohol outside in NYC) and then they expected to walk back in right after midnight (umm, you guys all just left your coats and purses unattended) and this created an instant logistical nightmare for anyone working the door (umm, me). Well, I couldn't hold back a crowd of 200 entitled tourists who were not satisfied with standing in a restaurant and watching the ball drop on TV, but guys, if you want to be like a New Yorker, that's what we do, we watch it on TV even though it's happening just a few blocks away, because come on, we're inside, we've got food, we've got drinks, we're safe and we're getting the best possible view of the event thanks to the magic of television. I'm sorry, but if you choose to go outside into the madness of Times Square with a drink in your hand, I can't be held responsible. I'm just one man in charge of a team of people trying to control the chaos of an event. The good news is that nobody got hurt, I think most everyone had a good time, and next week I'm going to get paid, if this company doesn't disappear overnight and screw me over. 

When it comes to events, I'm now used to being the first one there and the last one to leave, and that was the case on New Year's Eve, I was there until 1 am, at which point I had to walk the bag of supplies back to the main office, a few blocks away, turn in the time sheet for my team, and give my handler some kind of event wrap-up. I didn't get home until 2:30 am, after navigating the piles of trash and puke in Manhattan and then avoiding the party at the roller-skating rink in Bushwick. I caught the re-broadcast of the ball drop on CNN at 3:00 am, which is, again, how a New Yorker should experience the event, and then slept for a solid 8 hours, THEN worked on New Year's Day at the Barclay's Center. This feels a bit like a work schedule that would take down a normal man, but I seem to have recovered OK. 

Francisco Bereny AND Toto Rovito carry over from "The Games Maker". Now, these two films were released 10 years apart, so I think I can assume that the pool of Argentinian actors is just not that large. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Alive" (Movie #461)

THE PLOT: The flight of a rugby team crashes on a glacier in the Andes. The few passengers who survive the crash find themselves in one of the world's toughest environments to survive. 

AFTER: First off, I would never compare my recent stressful experience on New Year's Eve to the tragedies and hardships that were endured by the passengers on this Uruguayan airplane that crashed in the Andes mountains in 1972. There's no comparison, their struggles over 71 days in the extreme cold highlights perhaps the worst conditions that anyone ever encountered, and it's a miracle that 29 of the 45 passengers survived the crash, and that 16 people ultimately made it to safety, after 2 people hiked for 10 days to find help in Chile. That being said, I can kind of relate in some small way after spending 6 hours working in a freezing hotel lobby and going 18 hours without eating anything. When I'm in "event mode" I'm just too busy and stressed-out to eat, plus I'm not supposed to eat event food, unless the event is over and I'm sure that all of the guests have eaten their fill before me. So yes, I've recently been cold and hungry and under pressure, but it was all transitory, my inconvenience was nothing at all compared to what the survivors of Flight 571 endured. 

It's cold here in NYC today (again, no comparison) and it's snowed twice already (again, a mere inconvenience) but there are like 30 inches of snow in Buffalo and Syracuse - you know what, those people are probably used to it. They made their choice, I mean, who decides to live in Buffalo, they must be out of their minds. We had snow in NYC the day in mid-December that we left for the cruise, sure, it was a little difficult to get to the Brooklyn port because of snow and traffic, but come on, we knew once we got on the boat things would probably get better, as we were heading for Florida and the Bahamas. Barring any "Carnival poop cruise" situation, things were looking up as we were getting out of the cold for a week. That's really the whole point of "Society in the Snow", we are shown the tragedies and hardships and very difficult decisions that these crash survivors endured, and the only thing we can do in response is be glad that this didn't happen to us, and also be thankful for the things we have and the ways our lives have been improved by our technologies and our current living conditions. If you've got a warm home, access to food and you have someone special to share your days with, really, you're doing all right. Appreciate that through no fault of your own, things could be a LOT worse, you could be marooned on a deserted island with no food or water, or you could be stranded on a mountaintop in the freezing cold and debating the ethics of cannibalism. 

So yeah, I'm feeling hashtag-blessed - it's a privilege that I got to sleep in today, get up and go get us some breakfast sandwiches, and then spend some time discussing movies with you. After that I've got nowhere to go, nothing to do today, just going to pay some bills, check e-mails, play some phone games and maybe my wife and I will go out to dinner later, because she really hasn't seen much of me over the last two days. That's our deal now, I go out and work a ridiculous, mostly nocturnal schedule and she stays home and works a 9-to-5 (OK, 9-to-3) remotely. Having a meal together or even watching a TV show together is hard to come by and requires some coordination, but it can be possible. 

My theater job first brought me in close proximity to a screening of this film. For a few months straight I worked the Tuesday night film appreciation class, which is mainly an older crowd that pays the school for the privilege to come to the theater once a week, and a professor with connections manages to arrange a first-run or preview screening, often with the director or a screenwriter or a casting director there for a Q&A session after. In December 2023, the class screened "Society of the Snow", with perhaps unanticipated results - again, it's an older crowd that's paying to be there and they very much want to be entertained and informed, usually with a light comedy or drama ("Song Sung Blue" was a recent choice). Some people in the crowd were not prepared for such a stressful action movie about a plane crash, so they got upset. A few people walked out of the screening and left, others sat in the lobby and just wanted to sit in silence for a while, so as the house manager I comforted those people who just couldn't handle it, that's fine, everything is OK, you don't have to go back into the theater if you don't want to.

I get it, even the idea of a plane crash is stressful, to see it on the big screen and feel the vibrations from the speakers, it's a lot. Again, hashtag-blessed that I got to witness this from the comfort of my living room, sitting in a recliner with access to a box of cookies and a glass of soda. And then there are scenes later in the film that were designed to make viewers feel claustrophobia, once the plane wreckage sinks into the snow some people were buried and had to dig themselves out, others weren't able to - so there are graphic depictions of people dying, and this can be tough to take. Scenes with people enduring starvation, wondering when their bodies are going to fail them, and then debating whether it makes more sense to stay put and starve or hike to safety and potentially freeze to death. We can't really fault the screenwriters since this all really took place, again I think the only response is to appreciate what these people went through and be thankful we have what we have and hopefully never have to go through anything like this ourselves. 

OK, that being said, this film is two and a half hours long - I have no right to complain about that, either, because what is two and a half hours out of MY life, compared with spending 71 days on a mountain-top without food or any heat source or any hope of being rescued soon? Oh, sorry, do you not like watching sub-titles? How terrible that must be for YOU that you have to read words on the bottom of the screen while you're watching your movie. Maybe you should just move on, because you're kind of missing the whole point here. Look, I read subtitles during EVERY movie because I'm half-deaf in one ear and it's just easier, OK? But sure, let's talk about YOUR needs as you eat popcorn and candy while watching a movie about people starving to death. 

Look, I don't want to get too much into the details of this film, as you can just read about Flight 571 on Wikipedia, also this is the THIRD filmed version of this story, I watched the terrible Hollywood adaptation, "Alive", way back in 2010 - that's over 15 years ago now. The only thing I want to point out, from a narrative point of view, is that I thought the early church scene was very clever, the Bible reading involved the Last Supper, where Jesus broke bread and told his disciples to eat it, as if they were consuming his own body. That's some really adept fore-shadowing there, considering what happens later on the mountain after the crash survivors run out of crackers and chocolates. Honestly, I got out of Catholicism when I learned that church dogma still officially believes that during every service, the bread (hosts) and wine ACTUALLY turns into the body and blood of Jesus. Sorry, I thought that was just a metaphor, but no, the priests REALLY believe that their congregation is eating Jesus. That's way too heavy for me, man, it's church-sponsored cannibalism and thanks, but no thanks. You guys go on without me, I'm good, I had a big breakfast, man. 

If I'm grateful for anything else today, it's that I was finally able to link to this film, and that it only took me two years. Now, if not for "The Games Maker", I could have just started the year with this film, that would have been another way to go, but I didn't have to. And thankfully, impossibly, somehow there's a path from here back to non-Argentinian, more mainstream movies. Really, with my method of watching movies, this is about as hard as it gets, and you know, all things considered, it's not that bad. Life is good, the chain method works and more often than not, it allows me to watch every movie at what turns out to be the perfect time. #blessed (but not in a religious way, in a humanistic effort-pays-off way).

Directed by J.A. Bayona (director of "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom" and "A Monster Calls")

Also starring Enzo Vogrincic, Agustin Pardella, Matias Recalt, Esteban Bigliardi, Diego Vegezzi, Fernando Contigiani, Esteban Kukuriczka, Francisco Romero, Rafael Federman, Valentino Alonso, Tomás Wolf, Agustin Della Corte, Felipe Gonzalez Otaño, Andy Pruss, Blas Polidori, Felipe Ramusio, Simon Hempe, Luciano Chatton, Rocco Posca, Paula Baldini, Emanuel Parga, Juan Caruso, Benjamín Segura, Santiago Vaca Narvaja, Federico Aznarez, Agustin Berruti, Alfonsina Carrocio, Jaime James Louta, Juandi Elrea Young, Jerónimo Bosia, Giselle Douaret, Agustin Lain, Julian Bedino, Federico Formento, Laularo Martin Bakir, Tea Alberti, Lucas Mascareña, Maximiliano de la Cruz, Juan José Marco, Mariano Rochman, Esteban Pico, Pablo Tate, Virginia Kauffmann, Francisco Burghi, Daniel Antivilo, Ezequiel Fadel Hinojosa, Gustavo F. Sasco, Carlitos Páez, Tomás Friedmann, Roberto Suarez, Constanza Del Sol Giraudo, Gabriela Quartino Tilve, Sergio Armand'ugón, María Elena Pérez, Julio Lachs, Camila Chieza, Franco Rilla, Ignacio Martinez, Ramiro Rutz, Sandra Américo, Claudia Trecu de Lucia, Susana Groisman, Julieta Marcus, Clara Roibal Camino, Clara Ibarra Vierci, Lorenzo Bigliardi, Carolina Steinhorn, Belen Giannini, Camila Giannotti, Sofia Lara, Verónica Perrotta, Rogello Gracia, Álvaro Armand Ugón, Sara Bessio, Noella Campo, Berch Rupenian

RATING: 6 out of 10 phone numbers of girls in Santiago to contact for a good time

The Games Maker

Year 18, Day 1 - 1/1/26 - Movie #5,201

BEFORE: Happy New Year, and happy new chain. Nobody carries over from "Ordinary Angels" because we're starting with a clean slate. Boy that would be something, right, a multi-year chain? The stuff of legends... No, we're flipping the calendar over - and let me just tell you that the calendar industry is a giant scam, I have not paid like $15 for a calendar in years, we all have calendars FREE now, thanks to our phones and the internet, so I expect the calendar industry will collapse, any day now. What we do now is just print out a blank month from the web and tape it over the corresponding month on the calendar from 2024, and we'll never have to buy a new one again. Sure, eventually we may get tired of the same cat photos, but there are 12 different ones, and do we ever remember what last January's calendar art was? I'm in my late 50's now, so no, I barely remember anything - so it's a surprise to see that cat photo from a year ago, so it's really the same as having a brand new calendar. 

Anyway, I explained in the 2025 wrap-up post why I picked THIS film to kick off 2026 - it only links to ONE other film on my list, which is kind of astounding. Then again, it's a 2014 film from Argentina with only a few Hollywood actors in it, so I wouldn't expect it to connect to much. Plus, I already KNOW how I can link back to more mainstream fare in just a few days, so I've been in this situation before, just look at the films that I've watched at the start of the last few years. Last year it was "Anatomy of a Fall", a French film, which I followed with "The Zone of Interest", a German film, and I didn't see an American actor until Day 3. The year before that, I started with "The Worst Person in the World", a Norwegian film, and I linked back to U.S. movies with "Bergman Island". "Narrowsburg", "Nomadland", "Parasite", these were other January 1 films that I might NEVER have been able to get to if I didn't program them at the start of the year. 

So that's the plan, start here, knock off another foreign film tomorrow with no Hollywood actors, and by Day 3 I'll be back on English-speaking movies as the linking Gods intended. Crossing off a couple tough ones feels very satisfying, and I did a LOT of that last year. I want to keep that up, already I see a way in January to knock off a film called "Walt Before Mickey", which has been on my list for absolutely forever - if it comes down to a choice between that film and "Now You See Me, Now You Don't", well, I know what I'm going to have to do. I can probably link back to the mainstream film in the future, but the small indie film, not so much. All movies are created equal, but some are more equal than others and maybe I have to seek out the weird and lesser-seen ones. 

So here's the linking plan for January, as always this will be subject to change - from here Francisco Bereny AND Toto Rovito will carry over to tomorrow's film, and then Alfonsina Carrocio, Jonathan Pryce, Pierce Brosnan (3 films), Cate Blanchett (3), Jamie Lee Curtis (4), Dave Bautista (3), Kevin Durand, Owen Teague (3), Carla Gugino, Idris Elba (4), Gabrielle Union, Bill Murray (3), Daniel Steiner, Sean Bean, Tom Burke, Patsy Ferran, Tim Key, and Jesse Eisenberg (4, possibly 5). That should take me right up to the start of February, which of course is romance/relationship month - that's when I'm going to really knock off some films that have been hanging around on the list for far too long. 

Usually at the start of the year I make a dedication to someone the movie industry lost over the last year, someone whose work I appreciated, and man, there was no shortage of choices this time around, like Robert Redford, Diane Keaton, Gene Hackman, Val Kilmer and David Lynch?  Even the next tier down is star-studded, with Terence Stamp, Dame Joan Plowright, Brigitte Bardot and documentary star villain Dick Cheney. But with the Spinal Tap sequel just begging me to program it somehow, how could I not dedicate the coming movie year to Rob Reiner, director of so many great films like "Misery" and the New Year's Eve classic "When Harry Met Sally"? So this year's in your honor, Mr. Reiner.

THE PLOT: Young Ivan Drago's newfound love of board games catapults him into the competitive world of game invention, and pits him against the inventor Morodian, who has long desired to destroy the city of Zyl, founded by Ivan's grandfather. To save his family and defeat Morodian, Ivan must come to know what it is to be a true Games Maker. 

AFTER: I had a long, complex dream the other day about quitting my job (which I did last year), leaving the office, getting lost in the hallways, finding myself on a bus, taking the bus one stop to Brooklyn, walking to the Barclay's Center, not recognizing the buildings, always thinking that if I take the next right turn I'm going to recognize the shops on the street and be where I need to be. Meanwhile I knew that I was going to show up late, I wasn't wearing the right shoes (at one point I wasn't wearing any shoes at all, but then they came back) and I was in some deep trouble. At some point the failing logic of the dream collapsed, after just one too many things doesn't make any sense, and that's when I tend to realize that I'm dreaming, then I woke up. It would be great if I could somehow keep dreaming and control the dream, I could make anything happen or at least turn failure into success, but that's just not how these things work. 

This movie is like that fever dream - it's OK, a lot of movies are like that. "The Wizard of Oz" is just a long fever dream that Dorothy has while she's unconscious, and her brain really did a number on her, she has to travel down that yellow brick road and meet all kinds of crazy characters, Munchkins and a Tin Man and flying monkeys, and her task is ever-changing and ambiguous, the Wizard wants her to kill the Wicked Witch, but of course a good person would never ask you to kill someone IRL, not even an evil witch. Then when she finally accidentally does that there's no resolution, the goal is still not achieved, because it's not time to wake up or roll the credits yet. So there's MORE, and when the writers couldn't think of more tasks, they just make the Wizard fly off in a balloon for no reason. If you really try to watch "The Wizard of Oz" as a coherent narrative you're wasting your time, because the story zigs and zags all over the place and then of course, never really adds up to anything, because it was all a dream, it was never going to do anything but kill time. 

This film is a lot like "The Wizard of Oz" in that regard, it takes place in a number of different locations but also moves from here to there quite randomly, as soon as it sets up young Ivan Drago in one situation, it starts working on making his life collapse in on itself so he's forced to go somewhere else, and then repeat as necessary until we've taken up 110 minutes of screen time. And unfortunately you're never going to get those 110 minutes BACK, even though you might wish you could. First he's a young school boy with a loving set of parents, but the only problem is that his mind keeps thinking up strategies for new board games, and his father has no interest at all in such things, in fact he forbids Ivan to make games. (Who hurt him?) But through a comic book Ivan learns of a company that has a competition to create games, and he submits one after another. And with each new game he submits, he rises further in the mail-in competition, until he learns that he has won the grand prize, which arrives in the mail in the form of a non-temporary tattoo, and Ivan's father becomes furious about this. 

Everything changes when Ivan's parents are killed or lost in a balloon race (could happen) and he is sent to a strict boarding school (which is slowly sinking into a swamp), even though he apparently has a grandfather somewhere else who Ivan's father was estranged from. At this school he is bullied by students and tormented by his teachers, but also he notices kid playing games that are based on his contest entries - so clearly that company wasn't on the up-and-up, but what else could be going on here? He meets an "invisible" girl who lives in the walls of the boys-only school, and she introduces him to a jigsaw puzzle that contains a secret message, which tells him to tune in to a particular TV station at 2 am (he has to steal a TV set from a classroom) and when he does, he gets a broadcast message from his mysterious grandfather, who lives in the land of Zyl, the capital of making board games. 

To get there, Ivan has to arrange a scavenger hunt for the other students, which makes them run all over the school as they solve the clues and this makes the whole school sink completely into the swamp, so classes are cancelled, obviously, and Ivan hops on a train to Zyl, which is only weird because nobody goes there any more. But the train conductor gives him another comic book, which tells the tale of a married couple lost in a balloon race, and how they maybe survived - so Ivan becomes convinced that his parents are alive somewhere. I mean, would a comic book lie? But the comic book also has an ad for that game-making company, the one that awarded Ivan that prize but also stole his ideas, and also just happens to be located in the land of Zyl. When Ivan meets his grandfather (who teaches him more about strategy games), he learns that the head of the game company, Morodian, was the same age as his father, in fact they were childhood friends, and Morodian might be responsible for the disappearance of his parents. 

Morodian has in fact been tracking Ivan his whole life, and set up the whole game-making competition to develop a love of gaming within Ivan, knowing this would put him at odds with his father, I suppose. Well, we all come to hate what our parents stand for at some point, this is really just the other side of that, where we all throw ourselves into a career that our parents will despise, or never really understand at the very least. So Ivan does the only thing he can think of that will solve the mystery of his life, he ditches his grandfather and goes to work for Morodian. We've all been there, right? We sign on to work for the top dog in our chosen field, and then after 30 years of service and minor successes we're enormously stressed out and change careers to save what little remains of our mental health? Just me? Ivan works as Morodian's dream scribe, which means he has to take notes while Morodian talks in his sleep, just in case he blurts out any new great ideas for board games. 

Ivan does have access to the secret parts of the company, though, and with the help of Fake Ivan (another weird but helpful character) he does confirm that his parents are alive and being held hostage, and his penchant for strategy does come in handy when it's time to escape the flying monkeys - sorry, the three-bodied watchmen - in the most outlandish and impossible way. And like "The Wizard of Oz", you know the end of the film is drawing near when someone flies of in a hot-air balloon.  

I wish this film had been more coherent - really, it's all over the place, firing in all directions at once and then wiping the narrative slate clean every so often. So no coherent six-act structure here BUT it does star the young boy who would play Bruce Wayne on "Gotham" not long after this. I guess playing an "orphan" here and learning strategy was good training to play the future Batman. I also wish they could have gotten more into the mechanics of some of the fictional games here, but really, the story works (?) without that, so it doesn't really matter. 

Directed by Juan Pablo Buscarini

Also starring David Mazouz, Edward Asner (last seen in "Dear Ms.: A Revolution in Print"), Joseph Fiennes (last seen in "The Mother"), Tom Cavanagh (last seen in "Two Weeks"), Valentina Lodovini, Megan Charpentier (last seen in "Jennifer's Body"), Robert Verlaque, Alejandro Awada, Vando Villamil, Maiamar Abrodos, Corina Romero, Sean Mathieson, Nicolas Torcanowsky, Yola Mtilwa, Ivan Masliah, Paula Kohan, Lucas Schweimler Ricca, Juan Cruz Rolla Knight, Francisco Bereny, Julian Zuker, Toto Rovito, Feliz Volker, Maxi Kim, Daniel Dessal, Raymond E. Lee, Ernesto Juan Reid, Gerardo Scherman, Martin Blake, Julieta Halac, Mariano Caligaris, Juan Nesis and the voices of John Emmet Tracy, Mike Clarke.

RATING: 5 out of 10 cardboard cut-outs of people that make the town look less abandoned.