Year 17, Day 60 - 3/1/25 - Movie #4,960
BEFORE: Heather Graham carries over from "Desperados", and it's another film today that's been hanging around on the Netflix queue for way too long. Almost five years on Netflix? Not exactly a great sign, it seems like some kind of movie graveyard at some point, but what the hell, let's get it off the list.
Now that it's March, here are the links that will get me through the month: Damon Wayans Jr., Joel Courtney, Jacob Elordi, Dagmara Dominczyk, Matthew Modine and Liam Neeson. Actually that's only going to get me to St. Patrick's Day, but that's as far as I've programmed - I should probably work on that this weekend, pick the next holiday (Easter) and figure out how I'm going to get there. OK, I think Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday are next week, so Easter is when? 4/20? Oh, that should be fun.
THE PLOT: To save her small law firm, lawyer Susan takes a high-paying case from Nick, a charming new client who wants to sue a dating website that guarantees love. But as the case heats up, so do Susan and Nick's feelings for each other.
AFTER: As we begin to make our descent out of romance month, please make sure your seats and try tables are in a raised and locked position, and that all loose items are stowed. But we still might be circling the runway for a while, so please be patient, because we're not quite cleared for landing just yet. There are still a few more films that can be cleared off the Netflix queue, and we will try to get out of this topic in time to make our connecting flights back to some action movies. Like 8 more movies should do it, maybe 9 tops. The romance list is already in shambles, I've managed to strand a couple films like so much lost luggage, and the pieces haven't come together enough to prove that I can do this again next year - but there's still time, I maybe just need to add a few more films to the mix. I'll keep at it and review the wreckage in November or December.
Here's a combination romance and trial film, well we already tried mixing a trial film with a Jamie Foxx comedy ("The Burial"), a trial film with a Batman villain movie and a trial film with a depressing German relationship movie ("Anatomy of a Fall") so why not? Believe it or not, this film was inspired by a lawsuit brought against Coors beer years ago, when someone challenged the claim they made in their advertising that their beer was made with "pure Rocky Mountain spring water". Yeah, if you've ever tasted Coors, you can confirm that it was probably hard to taste the pure spring water over the skunky beer. Really, it was just a guy with a hose filling up the vats every day, I'll bet. But in today's film that same concept was applied to a dating site called "Love Guaranteed", who stated in their claims that their clients WILL find love through their site. Guaranteed, that is.
One guy read the fine print, you know those terms & conditions that everyone skips over, or they claim to have read them just so they can get to the site's contents, only nobody ever does? Well, one guy DID and in the fine print it says that the guarantee only applies if you date 1,000 people you met on the site, and this guy's been doing breakfast, lunch and dinner dates for three years to get his number up to 1,000 - and it sure LOOKS like he's inflating the numbers just so he can have legal grounds to sue the company. Is anybody THAT hard up, that they would stick with the process for 1,000 dates when they haven't met the right person yet? Naturally, you might question whether their heart's really still in it, if they're still focused on the process, or if they're so jaded that now they're out to prove the company wrong. Jeez, after 700 or 800 dates wouldn't you be inclined to quit the service and then just let the universe, or your friends, pick somebody for you?
Of course, of course, the internet has screwed everything up - because back in the day you could meet somebody in the newspaper classifieds, or remember video-dating? Speed dating was a thing for like a few months, but really, it's the web-sites and apps that have changed everything. There's an app for people looking for serious relationships, another one for casual relationships, probably one just for quick hook-ups when you don't even want to know the other person's name, then there's one for dating farmers, one for attorneys, one for Russian models who need green cards, hey, just pick your pleasure. There's probably one for furries, too, but I'm honestly afraid to check.
It could be that this guy just doesn't trust the whole system, maybe no woman could possibly measure up to the imaginary set of standards that he has. Then the question sort of becomes, "Who hurt this guy? Who messed him up so bad that he hasn't recovered and can't date anyone without tearing them down and losing faith in the whole process at the same time?" Nevertheless, this female lawyer takes his case, and OK, sure, if we apply the same formula that we saw in "The DUFF" and "Desperados" (and "That Awkward Moment" and "Letters to Juliet" and "Hope Springs" and "Murphy's Romance" and "What If?" and probably dozens more in previous years) we should know it's the person who HELPS you through that difficult time that might actually be "the one". So, really, if you want to skip to the end here, no harm done, because about midway through the film Nick and his lawyer Susan start hanging out and from there, of course, it's just a quick jump to having feelings for each other.
The twist here is that they HAVE to pump the brakes, because if the dating site company realizes that they're starting to fall in love, then they could file a motion to dismiss the case, claiming that Nick DID find love through his interaction with the dating site, because the process caused him to file a lawsuit, and for that he needed a lawyer, so really, quid pro bono, lorem ipsum, the dating site gets credit for the meet-cure with the nice lady lawyer that he's formed a connection with. Also carpe diem and deus ex machina.
Susan also learns that Nick is not filing the suit to get rich, he works as a physical therapist and he wants the money to open up a wing just for kids with disabilities, or something. Damn, he's a nice guy, a professional, charitable, and honest - Susan sure could do a lot worse. BUT she needs the money, too, as her law practice is behind on its bills and she has no other clients, also her car is falling apart and a Tiffany cassette has been stuck in the tape-deck since the 1980's. Umm, so, I don't know, maybe turn the music OFF? Just a thought.
Look, I know in my heart this film is just one step above one of those Hallmark channel or Lifetime movies where two people just meet cute, work out their issues and get married, and it takes place in Anytown, USA and also it's Thanksgiving or Christmas, but I'm going to be nice and give this one the benefit of the doubt, because at least there weren't three people running around Seattle at 3 am trying to solve a murder and fix a wedding dress after drinking too much Nyquil. OK?
However, I also feel like in a month's time I will completely forget about this film, because it's not very exciting or extraordinary or even sexy in any way. Come on, there's a murder on almost every episode of "Law & Order", that's what draws in the eyeballs. By contrast, a wacky female CEO and Susan's even wackier staff, plus Nick's heartless ex-girlfriend just aren't enough to make this story stand out. Nothing really wrong with it, it's just not interesting in any way. Even when Susan's sister gives birth, it barely moves the needle. Susan and Nick are left to baby-sit her nephew, but again, nothing really goes wrong enough to make a difference, the kid throws a tantrum for 30 seconds and Nick bribes him with ice cream. Bo-ring.
I'll give out an extra point, though, for agreeing with me that the famous saying isn't "You've got another thing coming," but rather "You've got another THINK coming." Sure, there was a Judas Priest song that favored the word "THING", but the entire phrase should be "If you think I'm going to let you walk out of here, you've got another THINK coming." I know the internet disagrees with me, but I don't care, I know that I'm right. Usage of "another think coming" predates "another thing coming" which suggests that the second is a bastardization or a misheard phrase based on the correct one.
Directed by: Mark Steven Johnson (director of "When in Rome")
Also starring Rachael Leigh Cook (last seen in "She's All That"), Damon Wayans Jr. (last seen in "Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar"), Caitlin Howden, Brendan Taylor, Sebastian Billingsley-Rodriguez (last seen in "Peter Pan & Wendy"), Sean Amsing (last seen in "Always Be My Maybe"), Lisa Durupt (last seen in "Shall We Dance?"), Alvin Sanders (last seen in "The Layover"), Jed Rees (last seen in "Fear"), Kandyse McClure (last seen in "Seventh Son"), Natalie von Rotsburg, Dee Jay Jackson (last seen in "She's the Man"), Colin Foo (last seen in "Say It Isn't So"), Quynh Mi, Nick Fontaine, Claire Hesselgrave, Morgana Wyllie, Judith Maxie (last seen in "Catwoman"), Milo Shandel (last seen in "The Adam Project"), Flossie McKnight (last seen in "The Unforgivable"), Kiomo Pyke, Jason Burkart (last seen in "Welcome to Marwen"), Arthur Corber (last seen in "Wrongfully Accused"), Amitai Marmorstein (last seen in "Killing Gunther"), Lauren McGibbon, Sasha Hayden, La Nein Harrison, Claire Filipow (last seen in "Dragged Across Concrete"), Rebecca Olson (last seen in "American Dreamer"), Jerry Yang, Kallie Hu, Christian Sloan (last seen in "Black Christmas"), Stephanie Son
RATING: 6 out of 10 side effects of love, as listed in the credits (they include uneasy stomachs, restless sleep, weight gain, cutting carbs, sudden mood changes and holidays at the in-laws)
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