BEFORE: This is a movie that had its gala red-carpet premiere at the theater where I work part-time, and usually when a big-time Hollywood Studio rents out the theater, that means "all hands on deck", or everybody works. But I had a vacation planned that week, my wife and I drove down to North Carolina to see my parents, it was a few days after Mother's Day, I shut down the Movie Year for a week. So I wasn't around to work the big premiere of "IF", and I did not get to see Ryan Reynolds in person or any of the other cast members who might have attended. Oh, well.
That was really only four months ago, but it feels like much longer. And how is this film already on cable when it was in theaters in May of THIS YEAR? Man, remember when a film would be in first-run theaters for two months, then maybe do a run in smaller second-run theaters, and then still take a YEAR to be on HBO or Showtime? And what about streaming? Nope, this one went right to cable for some reason, of course COVID did something to cut down the release windows, and now every major studio has a channel on premium cable, now that Paramount took over Showtime and MGM took over - umm, Epix, was it? All I know is, movies are getting to my TV set faster, which is great because I work more now and have less time to go to the theater, even when work IS at a theater.
Awkwafina carries over from "Jackpot!"
THE PLOT: A young girl who goes through a difficult experience begins to see everyone's imaginary friends who have been left behind as their real-life friends have grown up.
AFTER: You know, I was debating whether to watch this one at all this year, because I noticed that it could come in handy linking some Christmas movies that are on my list - only they're not the Christmas movies I'm planning to watch this year, so if I shelved this one, it would be in the interest of linking Christmas movies NEXT year, maybe. I can't possibly predict which Christmas movies I can get to next December, I just figured out which ones to watch THIS year, and there's 300 unknown films lying in-between. Look, if the stars align and I do happen to watch exactly those two holiday movies next year, I'll just find another film that connects them, but I can't hold a film back just because it MIGHT be useful next December, not when it's useful NOW.
It's such a stupid premise, because imaginary friends are not real, by technical definition they're imaginary, it's right there in the name. But this movie asks us to picture a world where their host kids have grown up and forgotten about them, but yet they're still in existence, which means they're REAL, at least to some degree. So the concept is self-contradictory and therefore makes no sense. They either exist or they don't, they're either real or not-real, they can't display qualities or properties of both states of being. If someone grows up and forgets about their imaginary friend, then that friend does not exist, and in fact never existed in the first place, so HOW could they then be walking, talking manifestations in any way? How can they live under Coney Island in what appears to be a nursing home facility for imaginary friends?
Sorry, IFs, or I.F.'s, the movie drills this two-letter acronym into our brains WELL past the point of the audience "getting it". No, by all means, please explain again what I.F. stands for, because maybe somebody didn't get it the 13th time somebody explained it. By all means, also spend the first hour of your film over-explaining the premise, too, even though it makes, as I said before, no sense.
Sorry, IFs, or I.F.'s, the movie drills this two-letter acronym into our brains WELL past the point of the audience "getting it". No, by all means, please explain again what I.F. stands for, because maybe somebody didn't get it the 13th time somebody explained it. By all means, also spend the first hour of your film over-explaining the premise, too, even though it makes, as I said before, no sense.
Young Bea lost her mother a couple of years ago, and now her father is sick, and she's afraid of losing another parent. Sure, I get it, times are tough and sometimes we don't get enough time with the people we love, but maybe this is still some kind of learning experience or opportunity for growth, and retreating into a world of imaginary creatures is maybe not the best way to deal with her reality. Or, in a similar fashion to "Spaceman", perhaps she just simply goes insane and imagines all of these characters we see. Because other people can't see these I.F.'s, except for the person who imagined them in the first place, and also Bea for some reason.
Once Bea learns how many I.F.'s there are who are no longer in contact with their host kids who grew up, she tries linking up the I.F.'s with new kids, because there sure seem to be a bunch of lonely kids out there who need some cheering-up, only her efforts are futile, because the new kids can't see the I.F.'s either, even though they might want to. So, phase 2 of the operation is to track down the now-adult kids who thought up these creatures and try to re-unite them. Only they need to be reminded of what it was like to be a child before they can see the creatures they've forgotten about. Umm, except for Bea, who can see all of them - man, is this way over-complicating things, or what? This makes a film where a teen girl turns into a giant panda or learns she's a giant Kraken seem quite simple by comparison.
Also, to what END are all these efforts taken? Why is it so importantthat Bea re-unites them with the kids who thought them up? Just so those adults can feel like kids again for five minutes? Just go play a video-game or skip some stones or something, that's much easier. You know what, go get an ICE CREAM, treat yourself and don't tell anybody about it. Bea should probably be spending more time with her sick father or her grandmother, instead of running around NYC trying to catch I.F.'s like Pokemons or figuring out which depressed adult goes with which crazy creature. What an appalling waste of everyone's time, including mine.
Also, NITPICK POINT here, why is Blue hiding in the hospital, and why is Cal so desperate to keep him from being seen, when the simple truth is that NOBODY can see him, except for the kid who thought him up, who's nowhere nearby? There's an awful lot of fuss over not letting him be seen, and it's all wasted effort.
Also, NITPICK POINT #2, why isn't Bea's grandmother concerned that Bea never seems to be around? The hospital visiting hours probably end at some point, and Bea then spends hours running around NYC looking for those kids who grew up, and also going out to Coney Island to visit the I.F.'s, where does her grandmother think she is all that time? Me, I had a very overprotective grandmother who wanted to call the police if I was ten minutes late getting home from school, so maybe it's just me, or maybe Bea's grandmother is senile and doesn't notice her granddaughter isn't there? This whole movie has such a weird structure and not an accurate depiction of space and time, so like what's up with that?
And do Cal and Blue and Blossom live in the same building as Bea's grandmother, or a different one? This is unclear. Who's the other older lady who lives in that building or the different one? Also unclear. Why is Blue purple? Again, very very unclear. And if nobody could see these I.F.',s how did one end up in the photograph of Bea's youjng grandmother? That shouldn't be possible, according to the same rules that this film established for itself.
Also, there's a credit for Brad Pitt in this film, playing the invisible character. Sure, it's a cute gag because it's riffing off him playing the Vanisher in "Deadpool 2" and the fact that his character was invisible for almost the entire film, except for a few seconds. Was he ever really there on set? But still, please don't make up credits for people who were never really in your movie to begin with. That kind of thing just screws up my stats and my IMDB searches, so knock it off.
Also starring Ryan Reynolds (last seen in "Deadpool & Wolverine"), Cailey Fleming (last seen in "Peppermint"), John Krasinski (last heard in "DC League of Super-Pets"), Fiona Shaw (last seen in "Enola Holmes"), Alan Kim (last seen in "Minari"), Liza Colon-Zayas (last seen in "The Purge: Election Year"), Bobby Moynihan (last seen in "Unfrosted"), Catharine Daddario, Audrey Hoffman, Ed Herbstman (last seen in "Ode to Joy"), Barbara Andres (last seen in "The Last Thing He Wanted"), Alexander Rivero, Shauna Pinkett, David Weissmann, Craig Castaldo (last seen in "Romance & Cigarettes"), Ari Groover
with the voices of Steve Carell (last seen in "Asteroid City"), Phoebe Waller-Bridge (last seen in "Man Up"), Louis Gossett Jr. (last seen in "Undercover Grandpa"), Emily Blunt (last seen in "Oppenheimer"), George Clooney (last seen in "Albert Brooks: Defending My Life"), Bradley Cooper (last seen in "Maestro"), Matt Damon (last seen in "Drive-Away Dolls"), Bill Hader (last seen in "Beau Is Afraid"), Richard Jenkins (last seen in "The Company You Keep"), Keegan-Michael Key (last seen in "Wonka"), Blake Lively (also last seen in "Deadpool & Wolverine"), Sebastian Maniscalco (last seen in "About My Father"), Christopher Meloni (last seen in 'The Diary of a Teenage Girl"), Matthew Rhys (last seen in "Cocaine Bear"), Sam Rockwell (last seen in "Butterfly in the Sky"), Maya Rudolph (last seen in "Disenchanted"), Amy Schumer (last heard in "Trolls Band Together"), Allyson Seeger, Jon Stewart (last seen in "Mike Wallace Is Here") and archive footage of James Stewart (last seen in "Call Me Kate")
RATING: 4 out of 10 flyers on the bulletin board
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