BEFORE: This was supposed to be the slot for "Yoga Hosers", which is available on Netflix, but I just found out that "Yoga Hosers" is a sort of sequel to "Tusk", so I figure I should watch this one first, so I wont be coming into the middle of a story by watching "Yoga Hosers", which is now delayed until tomorrow. Finding out that Johnny Depp is in "Tusk" too, though not credited for his appearance, just sealed the deal - so now he carries over again from "Murder on the Orient Express" and he'll be here tomorrow, too.
Now I'm once again regretting not following the Paul McCartney chain - because wasn't Paul the Walrus, according to the song "Glass Onion"? Goo goo g'joob....
THE PLOT: A brash and arrogant podcaster gets more than he bargained for when he travels to Canada to interview a mysterious recluse, who has a rather disturbing foda
AFTER: What the HELL just happened here? I mean, I sort of knew a bit about this story, but I had no idea this film was going to be so gory and gross. I'll tend to watch anything that Kevin Smith puts out, but this is just a bit too over-the-top for me. I know there's another film that came out a couple years ago where a man risks getting turned into a lobster, but I didn't know this was going to be so literal tonight, I thought being turned into a walrus would be some kind of metaphor or something.
No such luck, this is the story of a man who gets abducted in Canada, drugged and surgically altered and deformed in order to resemble a walrus. Because somehow that's a thing. I said I'd follow you anywhere, Kevin Smith, but you really have to stop coming up with story ideas while high on pot. He knows that he doesn't HAVE to make a film out of every drug-induced idea he mentions, right? This is possibly even worse than "Eraserhead" - is this some weird kind of homage to David Lynch? I hereby put Kevin Smith on the same notice as Lynch - one more bad film like this and he's banned from my blog.
This had some real stomach-churning sequences, especially if you don't like things like unnecessary surgery, raw fish and serial killers who make skin suits. Was any of this gross-out stuff justified? I think not. As you might imagine, I've got a few issues tonight:
The film tells us that ALL Canadians are not merely "nice", but also optimistic, outgoing, friendly and apologetic, then presents us with the ONE man who must be the exception to the rule? So, what was the point of explaining how nice they all are? I get that there has to be a contrast between the Canadians and the central character, who has a podcast where he makes fun of people who appear in internet videos. Actually, the female clerks at the convenience store weren't very nice either, so were they not Canadians? Or are all Canadians not friendly and outgoing, as was stated before?
I feel there should be another NITPICK POINT somewhere, like is this really the best use of a podcast, to make fun of videos that the listener can't see at the same time? (The podcast is called the "Not-See Party", I guess because you can NOT SEE the videos they're talking about? This is also a lame name and a dumb use of a podcast.)
Also, this fails as a redemption story - because apparently there's no coming back, once you go "full walrus" - who knew that was even a thing? But similarly, what's the point of having an asshole character who then realizes that he's an asshole, if there's no way he can move forward and be a better person? Shouldn't this be more like "A Christmas Carol", where Ebenezer Scrooge realizes that life is short, and he should have treated people better, and then he gets a chance to do exactly that?
I kept hoping that what we were seeing on-screen was a nightmare, a drug-induced dream or just some kind of Kafka-esque moral fable, but again, I'm out of luck here. There's only the face value of what is depicted here, no other possible meaning can be taken away from this, so basically it's just a silly, disgusting waste of everyone's time. Now I'm really regretting dropping this into my chain at the last minute, but what can I do about it now? What's done is done.
The ONLY redeeming this about this movie is the character played by Johnny Depp, credited or not. Depp plays Guy Lapointe, a former member of the Quebec police force who's spent the last couple years tracking down this serial killer, who disfigures his victims so they'll resemble walruses. The accent Depp uses is just spot-on, and the character rides this great fine line between funny and stupid, reminding me of Eugene Levy's character from "A Mighty Wind". When Lapointe is seen (in flashback) talking to the killer about all things Canadian - of course he doesn't KNOW he's talking to the killer - and to me this is the best scene in the movie. The killer talks in the style of a very simple man, perhaps someone who's mentally disabled and childlike, and their exchange is somehow both ridiculous and brilliant. The rest of the film, I could really do without, and cannot unsee.
And sorry, NITPICK POINT #2: I know there are videos out there on the inter-webs where people accidentally injure themselves with very sharp samurai swords, but the event depicted in the "Kill Bill Kid" video is, I'm fairly sure, completely impossible. Why wouldn't the podcasters entertain the notion that this video wasn't real? Because it sure looked fake to me - or was that just too-cheap special effects by the makers of "Tusk"?
Also starring Justin Long (last heard in "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip"), Michael Parks (last seen in "Planet Terror"), Genesis Rodriguez (last seen in "Run All Night"), Haley Joel Osment (last heard in "The Jungle Book 2"), Harley Morenstein, Ralph Garman (last heard in "The Lego Batman Movie"), Harley Quinn Smith (last seen in "Clerks II"), Lily-Rose Depp, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith (last seen in "Red State"), Matthew Shively, Ashley Greene, Doug Banks, Zak Knutson.
RATING: 2 out of 10 Chug Eh Lugs
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