Brittany Runs a Marathon

Year 13, Day 179 - 6/28/21 - Movie #3,882

BEFORE: Parts of the U.S. are in the grip of a mighty heat-wave right now, there were triple-digit temperatures in the Southwest last week, and now the Pacific Northwest has them.  It seems perhaps the Earth's not done trying to get rid of humans, the pandemic may be almost over for some, but the hits just keep right on coming.  It's 90 degrees in NYC as I type this, summer only JUST started last week, so I fear this is only going to get worse.  But no, climate change couldn't possibly be a real thing, could it, Republicans?  I went out on an errand yesterday at work and I had to stop for ice cream on the way back - but that's just a temporary fix.  I have to leave the house in a few hours to go work in an air-conditioned movie theater, but I have to somehow GET there first. Needless to say, if you're into running outdoors, maybe consider today a "skip day". 

Jillian Bell carries over from "Bill & Ted Face the Music". 

THE PLOT: A young woman decides to make positive changes in her life by training for the New York City marathon. 

AFTER: I'm not a runner, but I was once married to one, so this film hits home in many ways.  My first-wife took up running in a similar fashion as a method of self-improvement, and it was one of many things we started to NOT have in common, so eventually her vision of her future didn't include being married to a non-runner / non-exerciser.  Maybe I'm just thinking about her because on Sunday I was working in the East Village, surrounded by people who had just attended the city's Pride Parade.  But I digress.  

Still, there are plot elements that do make me empathize with the main character - I'd been looking for a new part-time job since December, and it took me until June to get one.  And of course, as soon as I got one, I wanted to quit it, and part of the reason for that is that the job involves physical labor, and of course I've been against physical fitness for most of my life.  To then have to stand and walk around for eight hours at a time, well, it sure hasn't been easy.  Leg pain, foot pain, and just being exhausted overall just makes me want to pack it in, but I'm trying to stick with it as long as I can because I need to make more money, so ideally it would be great if one of the other employers I've applied to recently would give me a call, so I can get out of this madcap, illogical situation I've gotten myself into and maybe work someplace more sane and suited to my needs.  Yes, I acknowledge that I've become very spoiled over the last two decades, working for people in the realm of independent film who don't have rigid working schedules or put TOO much demand on me, physically (umm, except for working at Comic-Cons, which have often tested my limits.)

But enough about my problems - Brittany in this film is overweight and under-employed, she's got a job handing out playbills at a theater that she doesn't take very seriously, and her doctor has pointed out that her BMI puts her in the obese category, and she's in danger of more serious conditions like liver failure.  She's got toxic friendships and no stable relationship, so clearly there are some changes that need to be made, and her upstairs neighbor is a running enthusiast who seems to have it all together (only, umm, she doesn't, because really nobody does) and the neighbor encourages Brittany to make small goals, like running just one block. If you haven't run in the past ever, this of course seems daunting at first, but Brittany gives it a go.  And then to prove she's not a quitter, she meets up with a running club to go two miles, then the next goal is to enter a 5K, and, well, you know the title of the film so you can probably guess where this is going.  

The New York City marathon is not open to everyone, surprisingly.  Or maybe not surprisingly - if they let everyone enter who wanted to enter, there would be like 2 million people who have convinced themselves they can do it (they can't ALL be right) and then it would take like two days just to have everyone cross the starting line - it just wouldn't work.  But there are several paths to entry, one of which is being a member of this Road Runners club, and having a track record of completing a different marathon in another city in a certain amount of time.  I guess it's like anything else, you can't get a job in a certain field unless you already HAVE experience in that field, right?  But then there are a few alternative paths to qualifying, like entering a lottery for a small number of open spaces, or raising money for a charity, or volunteering for certain other organizations, or, and this might be on the tough side, just become an Olympic marathon champion and wait for an invitation.  

Look, I get that this film is (somewhat) based on a true story, and it's designed to be an inspirational story about finding one's motivation and setting goals and then sticking with them and following through.  And maybe if each one of us does that and follows our bliss and stays on our true path, good things will come to us as rewards.  But I'm not sold on that idea, for some reason, something deep down tells me that it just can't be that simple.  What if you follow your dreams, find your motivation, achieve your goals, and then get hit by a bus when you're out running one day?  It's just as likely, I think.  

Also, things are quite fuzzy here because Brittany is depicted as backsliding from time to time - sneaking out for a cheeseburger and fries, or projecting her insecurities on to an overweight guest at her brother-in-law's birthday party?  Exercising and getting down to her goal weight didn't seem to dispatch the demons inside, now, did it?  And taking that job as a dog-sitter in the fancy house, while it was a great opportunity, ended up causing more problems than it solved, which was just an odd narrative bit of business.  She still took the easy way out, once she realized she could basically live in that house for a time and escape from her problems.  Then the whole relationship with Jern was weird, too - she hated him, they had nothing in common, and he represented everything she was trying to not BE any more, so I couldn't even understand why she was drawn to such a negative character.  

I guess at the end of the day, we are who we are, and that means we can take steps to improve our lives, work hard and try to get somewhere, but we're always going to make mistakes.  Still, that's a bit of a weird message to get from a film, right?  OK, this character's a screw-up, but then she's going to try to change, then she keeps screwing up.  I guess it works for Peter Parker, it makes Spider-Man more accessible for some people, that he never really gets things quite right either in the superhero world or his personal life.  Is that really going to make us all feel better, though, at the end of the day?  I've got my reservations about this. 

Plus, haven't we been hearing in the last few years about being "body-positive", how we're supposed to be getting away from this unrealistic notion of some impossible standard of how being skinny represents being beautiful, and that some people just aren't designed to be skinny?  There's that whole movement around being more accepting of our bodies, even if they have a few extra pounds on them, and there's Lizzo and Chrissy Metz and others shining a light on this issue, even Victoria's Secret is getting away from their unrealistic "Angels" and same goes for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, I thought we were, as a society, trying to get away from the Barbie-like definitions of fitness and beauty, and so, therefore, what gives?

Also starring Michaela Watkins (last seen in "Brigsby Bear"), Utkarsh Ambudkar (last seen in "Game Over, Man!"), Lil Rel Howery (last heard in "The Angry Birds Movie 2"), Micah Stock (last seen in "Life Itself"), Alice Lee, Patch Darragh (last seen in "Sully"), Peter Vack, Kate Arrington (last seen in "The Irishman"), Juri Henley-Cohn, Adam Sietz, Mikey Day, Max Pava, Erica Hernandez, Dan Bittner (last seen in "Marshall"), Beth Malone (last seen in "The Comedian"), Esteban Benito (last seen in "Isn't It Romantic"), Nadia Quinn, Gene Gabriel, Sarah Bolt, Ian Unterman. 

RATING: 4 out of 10 shin splints

Bill & Ted Face the Music

Year 13, Day 178 - 6/27/21 - Movie #3,881

BEFORE: Wow, I've been sitting on this one for almost a year - I had saved a slot for it several times last year, between two Keanu Reeves movies, and I think again between two films with Kid Cudi in them.  But I would have either had to GO to the movie theater in August (which just wasn't recommended) or pay like $25 to see this on demand, and that just seemed too high - and then by the time the film made it to premium cable, my chances to link to it had fallen by the wayside.  Then, of course, I did a Keanu Reeves chain in February, but I felt this film just wouldn't fit in there, so I'm glad I found a home for it here today. 

BUT, all good things come to those who wait, right?  When I saw the chance to sneak this one into the chain between my Father's Day film and my July 4 film, I just had to take it. So Beck Bennett carries over from "Brigsby Bear". (I could probably have snuck in "The Mitchells and the Machines" here, also with Beck Bennett, but again, I just don't have the time if I'm going to hit July 4 on the nose.)

A few weeks back, I tried to list all the celebrities I've had random encounters with over the years, and I'm fairly sure I included "Weird Al" Yankovic on that list, after working for the man who animated two music videos for him, our office staff (3 people) was invited to see his concert at the Beacon Theater in 2011, on Al's birthday no less, and we got to attend the post concert Meet & Greet, I keep the photo of Al & me on my. phone, and I show it to just about everyone. But this film reminds me that I forgot to mention two people I also met - I went to a book signing at Barnes & Noble and got George Carlin to autograph a book, and then one time I rode in an elevator with Alex Winter, who at the time lived in the same NYC building as my boss.  I tried very hard to not think of the elevator as a time-traveling phone booth, but such a thing was impossible to do.  

THE PLOT: Once told during a time-traveling adventure that they'd save the universe with their music, two would-be rockers from San Dimas, CA find themselves as middle-aged dads still trying to crank out a hit song and fulfill their destiny.  

AFTER: You know, I really needed this film to be good - the last film that I rated over a "6" was "Bohemian Rhapsody", and that was over a month ago.  And I think this was a good film, provided you don't try to take it too seriously - God knows the filmmakers and actors sure didn't, but that's kind of refreshing in a way.  Instead of struggling to make a "great" film, which is always a difficult prospect, especially when trying to revive a franchise, they got the next film MADE, which in many ways is more important.  It's been an on-again, off-again thing for DECADES, the "Bogus Journey" sequel came out in 1991, and that's THIRTY years ago now. ("Station!")

We're at that point in cultural history where everything old needs to be new again, in some way, and some people are desperate for the next James Bond film, or the "Ghostbusters: Afterlife" revival, or, Jesus Christ, any Marvel movie, "Black Widow" or "Spider-Man: No Way Home" or even "Shang-Chi" at this point.  The "Dune" remake?  Sure, bring it on.  The "Suicide Squad" sequel?  OK, I'm listening.  "Fast & Furious 9"?  Well, I'll take a pass but I'm sure that SOME people somewhere are enjoying it, or at least watching it.  So they couldn't wait for theaters to fully re-open, they went ahead and released "Bill & Ted 3" in August 2020 - but also on people's TVs and computers if there was still hesitancy over going out to theaters.  I get it.  

SPOILERS AHEAD, please be warned - stop here and go see "Bill & Ted Face the Music", if you haven't already.  I can't talk about the film without giving some stuff away, and I just can't be held responsible if you're not in the know.  

In a very funny and ironic way, the ongoing attempts to make another "Bill & Ted" film are mirrored in the characters, Bill and Ted have been trying for decades to write that spectacular song that's going to unite the universe and bring harmony to everything.  Allegedly.  But their band broke up, Death went and released a solo album, and they had to sue him just to regain the rights to use the name "Wyld Stallions" again.  Three decades on, Bill and Ted are still married but both marriages are a little shaky, they each have a teen daughter, Billie and Thea (also conveniently nicknamed Bill & Ted) and they can count the number of loyal fans they still have on one hand - they can even name all of them, not good.

Once again, they're called out by the Elders of the Future, including Rufus' widow (one presumes) who is the Great Leader, and his daughter, one of whom wants to give them the opportunity to write that unifying song (in the next 72 minutes, which also happens to be the amount of time until the closing credits roll) and the other one wants to kill them, thus possibly saving the galaxy from ruin, or dooming it, this is all a bit unclear.  Feeling not up to the task creatively, because writing that killer song sounds like WAY too much work, and under pressure to get it done, Bill and Ted decide to visit future versions of themselves, to see if they can borrow a copy of the song that they haven't written yet, but those other us'es already have.  Genius, right?  And it's not stealing if they give the song to themselves - and this is a thinly veiled version of the time-travel paradox about someone in the future who builds a time machine going back in time to give the plans for a time machine to a younger version of himself, or to someone else - so, then, who really invented the time machine?   

They find out why you should never, ever interact with yourself while you're time-traveling - first of all, there's the possibility you might kill a younger version of yourself (or kill your father), which would be another paradox, and the older you killing the younger you would be a form of suicide - umm, maybe.  But also the older you has a memory of what the younger you encountered, so that you is always going to be one step ahead, should the two of you not get along and come into conflict.  It happens, I guess.  The 2020 Bill & Ted encounter the 2022, 2025 and then really really old versions of themselves, and of course, it doesn't go well, as the rules of comedy dictate.  Meanwhile the older versions of their wives are taking the current versions of their wives on a tour of parallel universes, desperately looking for one in which they're happy and able to work through their commitment issues and that proper balance of relationship with saving the world through music.  

Also meanwhile (if meanwhile means anything to time-travelers, which it really doesn't) Bill & Ted's daughters are on a quest of their own, to find great musicians throughout history to sample and maybe inspire their fathers in the art of totally excellent songwriting.  They meet such figures as Jimi Hendrix, Louis Armstrong, Mozart and more, essentially mirroring their father's quest from the first Bill & Ted film, where they had to find historical figures for their live school oral report.  And it really doesn't take a genius to figure out what the dramatic twist is going to be here, but the film follows the "always darkest before the dawn" formula by killing everyone off and sending them to hell, which of course is another shout-out to the second film, "Bogus Journey".  

Their only hope is to find Death again, and convince him to rejoin the band - which could be a good thing. And the whole time/space continuum is breaking down, historical figures are disappearing from their proper times in history and re-appearing in 2020 - but if you think about it, what better way is there to get the new Wyld Stallions song to resonate across all of human history, if they can ever get the damn song written, that is?  It's very clever here how every negative thing that happens ultimately becomes a positive or some kind of shortcut to a positive result.  Kind of like how it took WAY too long to get this sequel made, but then that also allowed them to poke fun at the delays in the creative process within the film itself.  Way to turn things around, guys!

Also starring Keanu Reeves (last seen in "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee"), Alex Winter (last seen in "The Borrowers" (1997)), Kristen Schaal (last seen in "Going the Distance"), Samara Weaving (last seen in "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, MIssouri"), Brigette Lundy-Paine (last seen in "The Wilde Wedding"), Anthony Carrigan, Erinn Hayes (last seen in "Rumor Has It..."), Jayma Mays (last seen in "American Made"), Amy Stoch, Holland Taylor (last seen in "Bombshell"), Scott "Kid Cudi" Mescudi (last seen in "Drunk Parents"), William Sadler (last seen in "The Highwaymen"), Jillian Bell (last seen in "Fist Fight"), Hal Landon Jr. (last seen in "Pee-wee's Big Holiday"), DazMann Still, Jeremiah Craft, Daniel Dorr (last seen in "20th Century Women"), Sharon Gee, Patty Anne Miller, Kelly Carlin, Jared Bankens (last seen in "Venom"), Mickey Gooch Jr. (last seen in "Jay and Silent Bob Reboot"), Billy Slaughter (ditto), William E. Harris (last seen in "Elvis & Nixon"), Kimberly Stockton, Bridget Andrews, Ned Yousef (last seen in "Shock and Awe"), with cameos from Dave Grohl (last seen in "Sound City"), "Weird Al" Yankovic (last seen in "How to Be a Latin Lover", Guillermo Rodriguez and archive footage of George Carlin (last heard in "Tarzan 2: The Legend Begins").

RATING: 7 out of 10 prison tattoos

Brigsby Bear

Year 13, Day 177 - 6/26/21 - Movie #3,880

BEFORE: Ugh, I'm in a real lull when it comes to comedy movies, it seems.  If only I worked at a place where movies were being shown around the clock, and I could get free tickets...  I kid, but there's nothing playing at the multiplex where I work that I even want to see - one more reason to quit that job, I have no interest in using my benefit of getting free passes to see anything.  Should I stick with the job, just to get a free ticket to "Black Widow" when it gets released?  I'm just not sure it's worth it.  

Tim Heidecker carries over from "Let's Go to Prison". 

THE PLOT: After being freed from his life in an underground bunker, a man sets out to make a movie of the only TV show he has ever known. 

AFTER: I think it's safe to say I've seen a bunch of weird movies in my time - and man, this is just plain one of the weirdest.  Maybe with repeat viewings it could get a little less weird, like "Napoleon Dynamite" did, but I'm just not sure.  It's so out there it kind of comes back again, do you know what I mean?  Like WHY would anybody write this story in THIS way, where did this whole idea come from?  

Part of the issue, I think, is Kyle Mooney, he's one of those actors who I'm unable to get a read on, I'm never sure if he's "doing a bit" as a character, or if he's genuinely that weird and out of touch with how he's presenting himself.  Or he played weird, out of touch characters for so long that he kind of became one, if you know what I mean.  He reminds me a bit of a young Woody Allen, from the time of "Bananas", when Woody was doing comedy, but you always knew that Woody was in on the joke, and with Kyle Mooney I'm never really sure.  Adam Sandler used to have a knack for playing the same kind of out-of-touch man-boy characters, like in "The Waterboy" or "Happy Gilmore", but again, you always felt with Sandler that when they called "Cut" he turned it off and went home to a semi-regular life, and it feels like Mooney just doesn't do that, he's THAT GUY all the time.  

The story here concerns James, a man who was abducted as an infant and raised in a particular way by a couple that was not his parents, only they pretended to be, and they were slightly insane.  They kept him isolated in a bunker, and told him that the world outside was toxic and dangerous (OK, so they weren't completely wrong) and kept him away from the internet and TV, except for a show called "Brigsby Bear" which his non-father was making in a makeshift TV studio not far away.  The TV show, as his only source of entertainment, was also filled with the insane couple's philosophies of life and rules for living, so they were also part of James' indoctrination into their world, or a set of principles designed to mold him into who they wanted him to be, or perhaps just a method of spreading their insanity to one more person, all of this is a bit unclear.  

When the authorities (finally) solve the abduction case and raid the bunker, this leads to James being reunited with his real parents, and after finding out his whole world is a lie, James has to learn how to interact with other humans, discover what parties are, and figure out what society is all about - only all he knows of pop culture is the Brigsby Bear show, and nobody else knows anything about it.  I have to wonder if this is somehow a metaphor for nerds who discuss "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" with other people who just aren't all that into those franchises.  

Despite the advice of a therapist who tells him he's got to give up "Brigsby Bear" and discover more about the true reality, James can't seem to let go - he talks up the show enough that his one friend, Spencer, uploads some clips to the internet and soon there are more people interested in the show, or at least oddly curious about it, and suddenly James becomes not just a celebrity for being in the news, but also becomes known as "the Bear guy" and since no new episodes are being produced by his now-incarcerated abductor, James sets out to make a "Brigsby Bear" movie that will tie up all the dangling plotlines, and also serve as a metaphor for his current situation - Brigsby Bear also finds out that his whole world is a lie, and the space police come and take his family away, sending him on a quest for the truth, while also defeating the evil Sun-Catcher once and for all.  

The whole mythology of "Brigsby Bear" seems much too complicated to get into here, and I have to wonder if some screenwriters mapped it all out, or just threw a bunch of random elements together to simulate a proper background - either answer is equally likely.  The costume is like a giant Teddy Ruxpin doll, the facial features are designed to move along with the voices played on a cassette tape in the costume's head.  This is somehow both endearing and creepy, especially when the dialogue reflects a crazy person's thoughts on topics like politics, exercise and masturbation.   

Random thoughts after watching this - it was released in 2017, but somehow feels very pandemically appropriate, with James not being allowed to leave his home and being led to believe that the air outside is dangerous.  We all went through some form of this, and once the emergency was over and we could safely leave our homes again, it felt weird, right?  Like we had to re-discover what's possible and what reality is, to some degree.  I don't think I've ever seen Mark Hamill and Greg Kinnear in the same film, they do look similar in some ways, like they could believably play brothers in some other movie, just not this one.  And of course Mark Hamill is an amazing voice actor, so perfect casting here as the man who was making an underground show and also voicing the characters.  

The inspiration for this came from Mooney's own obsession with collecting old VHS tapes, he's apparently got a huge library, and certain poorly-made, psychedelic and creepy children's shows from the 1980's, particularly "Prayer Bear", though if you spot some similarities to "Teletubbies", I wouldn't say that you were wrong.  "Sesame Street" also had an agenda to teach children certain things about the world, only I think we all agree that CTW never had malicious intent.  

I'm left with the concept that, like James, I can't really tell where the fake reality leaves off and the real reality starts, because the film is about James and a few close friends making a movie that means a lot to him, but isn't very good technically, but still manages to connect with people.  And that's exactly what Kyle Mooney did, in the end, in writing "Brigsby Bear" - so once again, I can't get a read on Kyle Mooney and whether he's playing a character, or he's really THAT GUY.

Also starring Kyle Mooney (last seen in "Playing It Cool"), Mark Hamill (last heard in "Batman: The Killing Joke"), Greg Kinnear (last seen in "The Gift"), Claire Danes (last seen in "The Family Stone"), Matt Walsh (last seen in "Drillbit Taylor"), Andy Samberg (last seen in "Palm Springs"), Beck Bennett (last heard in "The Angry Birds Movie 2"), Michaela Watkins (last seen in "How to Be a Latin Lover"), Ryan Simpkins (last seen in "A Single Man"), Jorge Lendeborg Jr. (last seen in "Love, Simon"), Alexa Demie, Chance Crimin, Kate Lyn Shell, Kiera Milan Hendricks, Jane Adams (last seen in "The Wackness"), Nick Rutherford (last seen in "Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot"). 

RATING: 5 out of 10 camera tricks

Let's Go to Prison

Year 13, Day 176 - 6/25/21 - Movie #3,879

BEFORE: Dax Shepard carries over from "Employee of the Month". He was in "CHIPS" earlier this year, but I didn't use him as a link at that time, my intro link was Michael Peña and the outro link was Vincent D'Onofrio - so I suppose these two Dax Shepard films represent a road not taken at that time, or this spot between yesterday's film and today's was perhaps another place that "CHIPS" could have fit, if I hadn't watched it back in March.  I suppose I've been thinking a lot lately about choices and the roads not taken, or if the road that I've taken doesn't feel like the right one, how do I get off of it and on to another one, because I can't really go back to the old one, so do I have to wait and find a new one, or just maybe stand by the side of the road for a while I think about how to find a new one, I don't know.  I'm just so confused. I think if I quit this new second job I'll be depressed for a while, but keeping it is wearing me down, and I'm not sure which is worse. 

The pandemic obviously threw a monkey wrench into my career plans, because I probably wouldn't be doing what I'm doing if not for COVID, and as soon as jobs started to become available, I jumped at the first opportunity, which may not have been the right move - but now I'm earning some extra money and I don't want to give that up, because I don't know how long it will take me to land another job.  Everything is telling me to hand in my notice, but that puts me back to square one, being under-employed again.  So there's another little voice telling me to stay put until I line up something else, but there's no indication when that will happen, so naturally I feel stuck.  Taking time off to go to Chicago didn't help make things clearer, nor does a weekend day off like today, and thinking about it only makes me feel worse about it. 

THE PLOT: When a career criminal's plan for revenge is thwarted by unlikely circumstances, he puts his intended victim's son in his place by putting him in prison...and then joining him. 

AFTER: Obviously there are many forms of prison - a bad job can feel like a prison, a bad relationship can feel like a prison, and of course during the pandemic with so many people cooped up at home, even your own home can feel like a prison under certain circumstances.  Then the questions start coming, like "How long is this prison sentence?" or "Is there anything I can do to get out of this situation sooner?"  But never mind metaphor, because today's film concerns a genuine (only, umm, not real) prison, Rossmore Correctional Institute.  SIDE NOTE: scenes were filmed at the defunct Joliet Prison, seen in the opening of "The Blues Brothers" and during the first season of "Prison Break". Most other non-prison scenes were filmed in and around Chicago, which is coincidentally where I was earlier this week.  

Lead character John Lyshitski (yeah, they no doubt named him that as a sneaky way to get a curse word into the film many times over, without actually using it...) gets out of prison for the third time, and naturally he blames the judge who sentenced him two out of three times.  While trying to get violent revenge on that judge, he finds out the judge died three days before his release, so he does the next best thing, tries to get revenge on the judge's son.  Seems like faulty logic to me, or perhaps an antiquated belief that the perceived sins of the father should be atoned for by the son, but my guess is that some screenwriter didn't really think too hard about this.  Most of the plot points in the film feel thrown together, or based on really simplistic beliefs about what it means to be incarcerated - which means a very simplistic gang structure, white skinheads vs. black militants, and a lot of gay rape jokes.  I'm not saying that DOESN'T happen, but perhaps there are people who get through the system without being in constant fear of it.  But then again, I'm not an expert, most of what I know about the penal system does come from watching shows like "Oz" and movies like "Papillon", "The Longest Yard", "Escape from Alcatraz" and such.  

Lyshitski follows Nelson, the judge's son and messes with him randomly, like emptying the inhaler he finds in his car.  This leads to a chain of events where Nelson frantically enters a pharmacy for a refill and gets mistaken for a robber.  It's random and unlikely, I know - but Lyshitsky fires his own gun to take advantage of the confusion, and Nelson is then sentenced to prison.  Soon after, Lyshitski knowingly sells pot to a couple undercover cops in order to get arrested himself, and request incarceration in the same prison, just to mess with Nelson further.  NITPICK POINT: I'm not sure that any sentenced criminal has the right to request which prison he gets assigned to, nor would an inmate be allowed to choose his cellmate, the film really stretches believability here, just to get its two lead characters in the same place.  

What follows is a delicate game, as Lyshitski pretends to take Nelson under his wing, all the while giving him bad advice or manipulating the other prisoners in order to make his life more miserable.  He even pimps him out, so to speak, to Barry, a large black man, just to keep the homophobic comedy rolling, I guess.  Sure, for some men this may be the worst situation they can imagine, but if the comedy's coming from either a racist or a homophobic place, that's not cool these days.  I guess you could get away with this in 2006, but it just wouldn't fly today.  

(There are distinct parallels to "Arrested Development", Will Arnett's characters in both this movie and that show spent time in prison, and also questioned their sexual orientation at other times.  I'm not sure which came first, honestly, but at some point Will Arnett may have experienced some form of dramatic deja vu.)

Naturally, as in many comedies, things don't go as planned - the rivalry between the two men is in fact quite similar to that seen in "Employee of the Month", both times Dax Shepard's character tries to take down his rival and fails, creating an even stronger enemy in the process.  Here Nelson manages to survive all the bad advice and hazing, triumphs in some very unlikely manners and eventually becomes a much stronger person, able to not only survive in prison but thrive, this too also strains the boundaries of credulity, and culminates in the most unbelievable method of prison escape ever, like honestly not even close to reality.  It's the worst possible example of screenwriters painting themselves into a corner, with almost no way out.  To continue the metaphor, it's like that painter had to break a hole through the wall just to get out of that corner without messing up the paint.  

So, in the end, there's a lot here that just doesn't WORK, and I maintain that even in a wacky comedy, there are still rules that need to be followed, and bending reality just to find some kind of a conclusion is cheating of the highest order.  Sorry, that's just how I see it. 

Also starring Will Arnett (last heard in "Dolittle"), Chi McBride (last seen in "Still Waiting..."), David Koechner (last seen in "I'm Not Here"), Dylan Baker (last seen in "Selma"), Michael Shannon (last seen in "The Current War: Director's Cut"), David Darlow (last seen in "The Weather Man"), Bob Odenkirk (last seen in "The Giant Mechanical Man"), A.J. Balance, Miguel Nino, Jay Whittaker, Amy Hill (last seen in "Cheaper by the Dozen"), Jerry Minor (last seen in "Drillbit Taylor"), Susan Messing (last seen in "The Bill Murray Stories"), Jim Zulevic, Bill McGough, Larry Neumann Jr., Michael Hitchcock (last seen in "Mascots"), with cameos from Tim Heidecker (last seen in "Ant-Man and the Wasp"), Eric Wareheim (last seen in "Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie")

and archive footage of Tim Allen (last heard in "Ralph Breaks the Internet"), Jim Bakker, James Brown (last seen in "ZZ Top: That Little Ol' Band from Texas"), Heidi Fleiss, John Gotti, Leona Helmsley, Tommy Lee (last seen in "The New Guy"), Charles Manson, Ozzy Osbourne (last heard in "Sherlock Gnomes"), Martha Stewart (last seen in "What Women Want"), Mike Tyson (last seen in "Whitney").

RATING: 4 out of 10 packs of cigarettes

Employee of the Month

Year 13, Day 175 - 6/24/21 - Movie #3,878

BEFORE: This is another one that's been on the list for seemingly forever, maybe it's only been a little over a year, but it sure FEELS like it's been on my list a long time.  Or that I've been avoiding it for a long time, more likely.  An aversion to Dane Cook, probably.  He hasn't headlined too many movies, so I'm guessing there are a lot of people who feel that same way about him.

Sean Whalen carries over from "An American Pickle". 

THE PLOT: A slacker competes with a repeat winner for the "Employee of the Month" title at work, in order to gain the affections of a new female employee. 

AFTER: But how funny is it that this movie finally rises to the top of my watchlist, after me openly avoiding it for SO LONG, just a week or two after I started a second job at a movie theater?  Now, I can't really say much about the quality of the job, because that's against company policy, the handbook was quite clear on that.  But I will say that I'm actively looking for something better, or at least different, so that should give you some idea.  I don't mind working on nights and weekends, except that I'm still keeping my day job, so my schedule is now that I either work 6 hours in an office, followed by 7 or 8 hours in a movie theater, or if the two jobs don't fall on the same day, then I may work 7 or 8 hours in the theater, and dash home in the early a.m. to get 5 or 6 hours of sleep before I have to get up and go to the office.  Either way, I feel like I'm working fireman's hours, which is like 12 hours on the job and then 1 or even 2 days off. 

As I write this, it's after 3 am because I just got home from working the late night shift, the theater started showing "Fast & Furious 9" or whatever the hell they're calling this one, at 7 pm on Thursday, on three screens out of seven, and that means one show got out at 1:45 am.  The concession staff all help pitch in to sweep the last few theaters, because that means that everyone can leave a little earlier, like maybe at 2 am instead of 2:15.  But the help is always appreciated.  It should only take me about 30 minutes to get home, but this week the L train is having track maintenance done, so I have to hop on a shuttle bus at some point, and that takes longer, because subways don't have to weave through traffic, but buses do.

Anyway, enough about my problems - I'm just trying to put my head down and do what I have to do to get through the next month, or two months, or until I can find a better job and transition out of this one.  It's supposedly an employee's market right now, as the pandemic comes to an end, there's apparently a desperate shortage of workers willing to take minimum wage jobs, and that's how I got the crazy idea to go back into the movie theater business, which I last worked in as an usher over thirty years ago.  I'm older now, and I can't stand on my feet for as long as I used to, PLUS I'm out of shape because of the pandemic.  Ahh, who am I kidding, I'm out of shape because that's my consistent lifestyle, not exercising.  Well, at least I'm consistent. 

The main character here is a similar lazy slacker, who just wants to do his job, get paid and not advance in the company.  I should empathize with this character, only he's played by Dane Cook, so I don't want to do that.  His rival at the big box store (Super Club) is the cashier who always goes above and beyond, he rings up all the items with flair and he's been named Employee of the Month 17 times in a row, and once he gets to 18 then he wins a new car (yeah, right...) and the store manager passes his resume over to corporate, or something.  It's probably all a scam just to get the other store employees to work harder, right?  They have no intention of letting him win that car...

What's also weird about the car is - what the HELL is it doing in a big box store?  I know some of the chains like Sam's Club or Price Club sell tires, but not cars.  But there are actually quite a few gags in this film concerned with what this store in New Mexico (?) or Arizona (?) sells - like we see shotguns on the shelves, and one lady is buying a coffin for her husband.  These are very unlikely items, and I know they're gags, but these are "Airplane!"-style gags, and they seem out of place here.  Or they're a sign that simply nothing about this film should be taken seriously, but in the end, it's your call. 

Do you believe that there are hot women who get hired as cashiers, who then have some kind of weird fetish where they want to sleep with whoever wins "Employee of the Month"?  Yeah, it sounds unlikely. Most women would aim higher, or they'd base their choice of sexual partner on other things, like a sense of humor or a nice face or a chiseled frame.  Show me the real person, anywhere, who thinks "Whoa, he made employee of the month at his job, quick, let me tear his clothes off!"  Yet that is what this film's storyline wants up to believe.  Zack the Slacker sets out to take down perennial EotM Vince, just to get with Hot Amy.  Dude, it's not a thing, you probably have a shot with her, just by being nice and showing interest in her!  

I think there are a lot of successful men (and women too, trying to be non-gender specific here...) who seem to "trade up" with partners as they progress in their careers.  Once they have a little more money and a better job title, or perhaps become more famous, they tend to drop the partner they're with and hook up with a younger, perhaps prettier (or more handsome) one.  To some extent this may be just natural, as relationships are always beginning and ending, as they will, but in some cases it's so obvious, like with, umm, Chris Pratt or Bill Clinton.  Terrible examples, perhaps, but I include Bill Clinton because he got a lot more adulterous tail as he advanced from Governor to President, and the women got prettier as he went along.  So clearly there's a class of person (or there was, before the #metoo movement) who wait until they become famous to cheat or trade up.  

But I'm getting away from the movie.  Things start to spiral out of control as Vince finally has a rival for the title of "Employee of the Month" - it seems that the few dozen other employees who work for Super Club just aren't trying very hard?  This seems unlikely, it feels more like some screenwriter just wanted to concentrate on two characters, and in dumbing this competition down for the audience, created a situation where only TWO of the store employees ever get noticed or rewarded for their work ethic, or for going above and beyond for the customers.  OK, so maybe 98% of the store's employees just have stopped caring or trying, but it feels JUST a little convenient and forced here that there are only two viable candidates for the reward, in a store with dozens of workers.  Just sayin' - probably a NITPICK POINT.  

Zack manages to get a fair number of gold stars JUST for trying a bit harder than usual to do well, and then once Vince realizes he's got some competition, keeps messing up as he tries to sway the competition in his favor, so at the end we've got a dead heat, leading to the most ridiculous price-checking competition - mixed with an even more ridiculous obstacle course run through the store - to determine the winner.  No spoilers here, but it's pretty obvious who the movie wants you to root for, the lovable slacker over the entitled douchebag.  

Also starring Dane Cook (last seen in "Waiting..."), Jessica Simpson (last seen in "The Dukes of Hazzard"), Dax Shepard (last seen in "CHIPS"), Tim Bagley (last seen in "Otherhood"), Andy Dick (last seen in "Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond"), Brian George (last heard in "Batman: The Killing Joke"), Harland Williams (last heard in "The Addams Family"), Efren Ramirez (last seen in "Casa de mi Padre"), Marcello Thedford (last seen in "The Angriest Man in Brooklyn"), Danny Woodburn (last seen in "Things You Can Tell Just by Looking at Her"), Barbara Dodd, Victor Izay, Alison Raimondi, with archive footage of Cary Elwes (last seen in "We Don't Belong Here"), Robin Wright (last seen in "Wonder Woman 1984") and the voice of Peter Falk (last seen in "Undisputed").

RATING: 4 out of 10 softball uniforms

An American Pickle

Year 13, Day 174 - 6/23/21 - Movie #3,877

BEFORE: Seth Rogen carries over from "Like Father" - and if the biggest problem with yesterday's film was not enough Seth Rogen, this one should make up for it, because it's got DOUBLE the Seth Rogen!  He plays two parts in this one....

THE PLOT: An immigrant worker at a pickle factory is accidentally preserved for 100 years and wakes up in modern-day Brooklyn. 

AFTER: This is, perhaps, another loose tie-in with Father's Day - since I don't exactly know when Grandparents' Day is, or even Great-Grandparents' Day, if there is one.  This movie is about two men interacting, one is the great-grandfather of the other, and both played by Seth Rogen, obvi.  It's one of those stunt casting ideas, they used to pull this off with split-screen camera tricks but now I think they just use special effects.  I know that they basically filmed the whole movie twice, with Rogen playing the older Herschel first, then running through all the same scenes again with him playing the modern-day Ben Greenbaum, Herschel's descendant.  

It's quite a coincidence that the two characters share the same last name, because that assumes only male descendants for three generations. It's even more of a coincidence that they look so much alike, because in those same three generations you would expect influence from outside non-Greenbaum DNA, and that means it would be very unlikely that Herschel and his great-grandson would resemble each other so closely.  But for the movie to work the way it does, they need to feel a kinship with each other, and looking almost alike helps the audience as a constant reminder that they're related.  Seriously, though, Herschel's son would only have half of his DNA, a grandson would have only a quarter, and therefore, logically, Ben would only share one-eighth of the same genes as his great-grandfather.  

But this functions more as a thought experiment than anything else - a man can't be preserved in a giant pickle vat for 100 years, that's just not the way things work.  How did he breathe for 100 years?  Why didn't he get smaller, in the way that a cucumber gets smaller when it becomes a pickle?  Now, if Herschel had gotten frozen, either cryogenically or in a block of ice like Captain America, then maybe I could believe this ridiculous notion a little more.  An even bigger NITPICK POINT, though, comes from asking me to believe that the pickle factory would like dormant in Brooklyn for 100 years - that's prime industrial real estate, I could see it maybe lying fallow during, say, the Depression era, but after World War II wasn't there a manufacturing boom?  Wouldn't some enterprising real estate company have sold the building to another buyer, or if not, then torn down the useless factory and put up condos there in the 1980's, or something?  

Instead, two kids fly a drone into the old factory and accidentally bump the pickle vat open.  This is clunky storytelling at best - was this really the easiest, best way to get somebody from 100 years ago to be alive in the present?  After we had "Hot Tub Time Machine", now I'm supposed to believe in "Pickle Vat Time Machine"?  It feels like a storytelling cheat just to get someone from 1920 into the modern world, just so they could be confused about cars and e-mails and the fact that racism is now bad.  

Still, there are funny moments - the two men start out as newfound relatives (it's a bit of a bummer that Ben's parents are no longer alive, and that he won't talk about his feelings on this matter...) but soon get on each other's nerves.  Jeez, if you think your parents can annoy you with their outdated advice, imagine interacting with your great-grandfather, who was born in the old country!  This is probably accurate, he'd never shut up about the value of hard work and how back in the day they appreciated the simple values of physical labor, being poor and dying young.  And then we've got the crazy kids with their internet start-ups, artisanal coffee and seltzer, and always with the selfies!  Ben wants to refine his app that gives people instant advice on which products come from "ethical" companies, while Herschel decides he'll make his fortune in the pickle business - only he knows nothing about taxes, proper sanitary procedures or corporate responsibility of any kind.  

In many ways, it's the same story told in "Like Father" - the two generations are at odds with each other, until they eventually realize that they're stronger working together than apart.  Rather than trying to destroy each other's dreams, much more can be accomplished, perhaps, when they set their sights on the same goal, which, unfortunately, involves selling pickles to hipsters. But when you don't have a steady job, go with what you know, I guess.  That's what led me back to working in a movie theater, and now I can't wait to quit and move on to something else, anything else. 

Also starring Sarah Snook (last seen in "The Glass Castle"), Eliot Glazer, Jorma Taccone (last seen in "Hot Rod"), Kalen Allen, Molly Evensen, Kevin O'Rourke (last seen in "The Irishman"), Joanna P. Adler (last seen in "Can You Ever Forgive Me?"), Sean Whalen (last seen in "Jersey Boys"), Geoffrey Cantor (last seen in "The Wizard of Lies"), Carol Leifer, Marsha Stephanie Blake (last seen in "The Wilde Wedding"), Liz Cackowski (last seen in "Wine Country"), Tim Robinson, Betsy Sodaro (last seen in "Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot"), Michael Weaver (last seen in "The Greatest Game Ever Played"), Herb Mendelsohn, Kurt Braunohler (last seen in "Long Shot"), Raymond Neil Hernandez, Jess Stark, with archive footage of Barbra Streisand (last seen in "They'll Love Me When I'm Dead"), Mandy Patinkin (last seen in "Life Itself")

RATING: 6 out of 10 controversial tweets

Like Father

Year 13, Day 171 - 6/20/21 - Movie #3,876

BEFORE: Sorry, I'm late posting my review of my Father's Day film, as I said I would be.  We just got back from three days in Chicago. I'm not counting today, which was totally just a travel day, it was all about getting back home. (We went from car to bus to plane to monorail to subway, with a total travel time of 10 hours...).  So I didn't spend Father's Day with my father, but instead we visited my brother-in-law in suburban Illinois - we'd cashed in our Florida tickets from last April that were unused due to the pandemic, and took the opportunity to visit some family, at least.  Accidentally picking Father's Day weekend to do that was a terrible mistake, because on Saturday JFK airport was SUPER crowded, we arrived two hours early but if we hadn't been Sky Priority, we never would have made the plane, I think we'd still be standing in line.  The trip back was easier in some ways, fewer people traveling on a Tuesday.

We were only in downtown Chicago for about 6 hours yesterday, during which we re-visited Navy Pier, then strolled through the Northwestern U. campus to get to the Magnificent Mile, but only shopped at a few stores before getting coffee at the World's Largest Starbucks (5 floors!) and then making our way down to Morton's steakhouse for my wife's brother's belated birthday dinner.  The two days prior to that were spend in a variety of Illinois bars, restaurants and antique shops in the Crystal Lake area.  There are worse ways to spend your first trip after the pandemic, I suppose, but I was SO behind on sleep the first day, and very cranky.  Now I'm back and I need to get back to work, and somehow still not fall too behind on movies, if possible. 

Kelsey Grammer carries over from "Middle Men". 

THE PLOT: After she's left at the altar, a workaholic advertising executive ends up on her Caribbean honeymoon cruise with her estranged father. 

AFTER: Some odd parallels with this movie plot and our Chicago trip - both featured karaoke prominently, for example.  And obviously this film is about travel, and that's what we were doing - but we went by plane and rental car, and the main characters here go on a cruise.  We haven't been on a cruise since 2013, our third, during which we visited the Bahamas, Aruba, Curacao, Cartagena, Panama and Costa Rica.  That was an 11-day cruise, and after that we'd been to just about every port in the Caribbean (Eastern, Western and Southern), so we stopped.  But I remember that in 2013 the cruises were very concerned with keeping things sanitary, back then norovirus was a big deal and had taken down a few cruise ships, so we weren't allowed to serve ourselves at the island buffets, and hand sanitizer was being used everywhere - now of course, COVID-19 is the big problem, and even as cruises are starting up again, there have been a few COVID outbreaks in the last couple of weeks, but you'd think that the cruise ships would have learned from viruses in the past years how to really handle things, only they really haven't.  Yeah, I think I'll stick to land vacations for a while. 

We also traveled on Holland America, and this movie is set on a Royal Caribbean ship - parts of it play like a giant commercial for that cruise line, like they mention the floating bar very prominently and show people surfing on that big wave machine thing, and the zip-lines, waterslides and the robot bartenders.  Then of course there's the big "Newlywed Game"-like competition and the big karaoke contest on the last night.  NITPICK POINT: it's doubtful that any passengers would take time away from their excursions and all the activities and buffets to REHEARSE for the karaoke contest.  Like, who DOES that?  I would have been too busy eating around the clock, like we had a schedule down, we knew that at 2 pm there was the taco bar on the Lido Deck, then at 3 pm there were burgers and hot dogs served on the Promenade, then 4 pm snacks in the lounge, then 5 pm early seating dinner, and so on...until late-night chinese food and ice cream if you were somehow still hungry. 

Fortunately there was a smart TV in our AirBnb in Illinois, and my wife figured out how to sign in to Netflix so I could watch this on a big TV, and not just on my phone.  She joined me for the big climax of the film, the karaoke contest, and I let her know that she probably caught the BEST part of the film.  Kristen Bell and Kelsey Grammer are both, like, real professional singers, Broadway level, and hearing them duet on "Come Sail Away" may seem a bit pedantic, but they really worked at it and gave great performances.  Of course their characters are both over-achievers and workaholics, so maybe they WOULD rehearse for karaoke, and that's how you win the contest, I get it. (The previous ship contest they entered, they cheated, but you can't really cheat at karaoke...)

I can't recommend that anyone left at the altar then use the intended honeymoon cruise tickets to re-connect with their father, but maybe for Rachel, that's exactly what she needed to do.  She certainly needed to go on some kind of vacation before she broke anything else at the office.  But still, there was that important potato chip pitch to make, and she's the type of person who kept putting work before her relationships and her own happiness.  But then again, that's EXACTLY why Owen left her at the altar.  Plus, her father once faced a similar challenge, trying to balance his own career with being a father, and it led to him leaving Rachel and her mother (now deceased) when Rachel was only 5.  So there's thirty years of baggage to unpack, and wouldn't you know it, getting stuck on a cruise ship together turns out to be just the thing to force them to re-connect.  

Admittedly, it's a bit forced the way they GET both people on to the cruise ship - supposedly Rachel invites her father along after they get drunk together, but I kept wondering, is that what really happened?  She doesn't remember, and that's what her father told her, but how do we know that he's telling the truth?  Amazingly, the film never even goes there, because there are plenty of other secrets and family dramas to deal with, so it's kind of a moot point.  Still, I suspect that her father, Harry, took advantage of the situation and invited HIMSELF on the cruise, when he realized how drunk his daughter was.  But, I guess it really doesn't matter, all that matters is that they cruised together and ended up working things out. 

Seth Rogen plays a very nice man from Canada on the cruise, who Rachel hooks up with, and I really would have liked to see him used more.  No spoilers here, but he's mostly absent after a certain point, and that's a damn shame. Rogen's wife directed the film, but I guess she understands better than most people that's he funnier in small doses?  His character had great chemistry with Rachel, but I guess that only gets you so far. 

Harry talks a lot about his "partner", Gabe - and Rachel first assumes this means that he's gay, only he's not.  But is he, though?  Kelsey Grammer's show "Frasier" was often mistaken for being a show about a gay man, so the writers often had to show him dating a lot of beautiful women to compensate - still, many chose to see the film as a show about gay men, Frasier and his brother Niles, because they both acted so professional, neat and non-macho.  People are going to read between the lines if they want to - but in the case of "Like Father", would it have been that bad if Harry WERE gay, and Gabe had been his life partner, not just his business partner?  Hey, you can still read the film that way if you want to - it feels a bit like a lost opportunity in the script.  

Also starring Kristen Bell (last seen in "CHIPS"), Seth Rogen (last heard in "The Lion King"), Paul W. Downs (last seen in "Rough Night"), Zach Appelman, Leonard Ouzts (last seen in "Set It Up"), Blaire Brooks (last seen in "Demolition"), Anthony Laciura, Mary Looram, Brett Gelman (last seen in "Lemon"), Lauren Miller Rogen, Jon Foster (last seen in "Life as a House"), Kimiko Glenn (last seen in "Can You Keep a Secret?"), Danielle Davenport, Wynter Kullman, Elisabeth Ness, Brian McCarthy (last seen in "Paterson"), Keilly McQuail, Jen Zaborowski, Brittany Ross, Marco Naggar, Amber Hodgkiss, Lenny Jacobson (last seen in "Jobs'), Ejyp Johnson, with archive footage of Goldie Hawn (last seen in "Snatched"), Kurt Russell (last seen in "Once Upon a Time... In Hollywood").

RATING: 6 out of 10 assigned table mates