BEFORE: This is a film that I cut from the chain earlier this year, and here's the reason why - putting it here allowed me to flip a bit of the chain around and therefore fit in SEVEN Christmas movies instead of six, and look, I'm going to end the chain exactly on time this year, so cutting this back then was clearly the right move. Not to get cocky, but I've learned to listen to my gut, or maybe it's just that if I cut a film there's always (eventually) a way to re-purpose it. Same difference, perhaps.
Emma Myers carries over from "Family Switch".
THE PLOT: Four misfits are suddenly pulled through a mysterious portal into a bizarre cubic wonderland that thrives on imagination. To get back home they'll have to master this world while embarking on a quest with an unexpected expert crafter.
AFTER: Even if I didn't already know this was directed by the guy who made "Napoleon Dynamite", there were signs, plenty of references to that other film. First, the parts that don't take place in another dimension are set in Idaho, plus there are tater tots and alpacas all over the place. Also this is a super nerdy film, from what I understand of the video game it's all about design and world-building, crafting items from different ingredients.
But how is this not just "Jumanji" with a different cast? It's really the same concept, four people sucked into the video-game world, it's just a much more complicated video-game set-up and the villains look a lot more cartoony, but really, we don't need this. The Minecraft game, from what I understand of it, gives kids a chance to create designs and landscapes of their own, and very little of that comes across in the movie. In other words, the game is extremely interactive and rewards the user for having skills and imagination, while watching the film is a completely passive activity that requires no input or creativity from the viewer. It's just all a big ball of nonsense.
Ugh, I really want to call a Mulligan tonight, because I'm in my late 50's and I don't understand anything about this film, nothing about how Minecraft works, and really, I'm flying blind here. Even if I were watching that new "Smurfs" movie, at least I would already know what a Smurf is and have some idea what the movie is ABOUT, this isn't about anything, as far as I can tell. So Steve got trapped in the Overworld years ago, and built a bunch of imaginary stuff. Who cares? Then he got stuck in some other realm called the Nether, where a bunch of evil pigs have to track down diamonds for their evil leader. Again, who cares? Not me. Guys, I've got stuff to do, I need to move on, I can't get bogged down in all this nonsense!
I wish I could say this is funny, or interesting, or meaningful in some way, but it's just not, at least not to me. I know there was a point in this film when kids would go absolutely NUTS in the theater and throw their trash at the screen, and as someone who used to clean theaters and now manages them, I don't find that nice or useful or even particularly interesting either. I don't know what a "chicken jockey" is and frankly, I don't care. What a complete waste of my time, and everyone else's too. When a film has over 30 screenwriters listed, how can it possibly be anything other than "all over the place"?
Directed by Jared Hess (director of "Masterminds", "Nacho Libre", and of course, "Napoleon Dynamite")
Also starring Jason Momoa (last seen in "The Fall Guy"), Jack Black (last heard in "The Super Mario Bros. Movie"), Sebastian Hansen (last seen in "Just Mercy"), Danielle Brooks (last seen in "Time Out of Mind"), Jennifer Coolidge (last seen in "We Have a Ghost"), Bram Scott-Breheny, Moana Williams, Jemaine Clement (last heard in "Moana 2"), Mark Wright, Yvette Parsons (last seen in "The Power of the Dog"), Hiram Garcia, Bret McKenzie (last seen in "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey"), Batanai Mashingaidze, Amanda Billing, Tommy Broadmore, Frankie Creagh-Leslie (last seen in "Aquaman"), Alison Quigan, John Smythe, Alex Tunui, Craig Mckinney, Joel Rindelaub, Rowan Bacal, Brennan Standing, Dylan Chitekwe, Jens Bergensten, and the voices of Rachel House (also last heard in "Moana 2"), Jared Hess, Matt Berry (last heard in "The Wild Robot"), with a cameo from Kate McKinnon (last seen in "Balls Out").
RATING: 3 out of 10 dancing pandas
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