Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre

Year 18, Day 80 - 3/21/26 - Movie #5,278

BEFORE: Parker Sawyers carries over again from "Southside with You" - by some minor miracle, the actor who played Obama in yesterday's film also appears in this Jason Statham action film, so linking here next was a total no-brainer. My other options were "Jay Kelly" (pass for now) and "Jules", which is a weird film with Ben Kingsley interacting with an alien. Umm, I really need the action films right now, so the path forward is clear. At almost exactly this time last year, I was on Jason Statham films like "Mechanic: Resurrection" and "Crank: High Voltage", so well, here I go again. 

THE PLOT: Elite spy Orson Fortune recruits a movie star to help him stop the sale of a new weapons technology. 

AFTER: I can't express how great it feels to be done with romance films and back on action. Big, loud, stupid action movies, right now I'll take them and I'll eat them up, whatever Jason Statham wants to do over the next few days is just fine with me.  If Statham becomes the person with the most appearances in 2026 first quarter, that's fine too. It would only take 6 movies to unseat Celia Imrie, who has been in five films so far this year. Assuming all 6 Statham movies stay available and don't diseappear from streaming platforms - I know one is about to scroll off of Netflix so I need to get that one very soon. 

Look, I don't care that this film doesn't make very much sense - Statham plays a UK secret agent who heads a team of "footmen" that include a tech whiz, a weapons expert and a Hollywood actor (basically, it's the old "Mission: Impossible" format, the TV show that is) and everybody has to team up to pull a deception heist on a billionaire arms dealer. I also don't care that the MacGuffin they're after is some kind of A.I. drive (A.I. is clearly the biggest evil a Hollywood film can think of, because it's going to put film industry people out of work) and I've seen the evil A.I. drive that can control the world's military systems AND banking systems AND all the other A.I. programs in half a dozen other films, at least. It's a big, dumb, stupid action film where a lot of stuff blows up and Statham gets to take down at least a dozen guys with his MMA ability plus weapons. This is exactly what my brain wants right now, and I'm not going to sweat the details. 

Aubrey Plaza clearly doesn't belong in an action film, but then maybe that's why she SHOULD be in an action film. Josh Hartnett is perfectly cast playing a Hollywood actor (umm, a different one, obvi) and then we've got Hugh Grant as an evil billionaire arms dealer, and I honestly can't decide if that's stupid miscasting or just plain brilliant, maybe, you know, a bit of both. There's a whole other team of U.K. operatives who have gone rogue, this is a small insular industry and simply everybody knows everybody, so Orson Fortune's team knows what "Mike" and his guys are capable of, they've all worked with Mike before, on the same side. The bad news is that they know what he's capable of and how ruthless he can be, but the good news is they also know his weaknesses and he'll never succeed because the bad guys simply don't prevail in this fictional spy world. 

The team has to go all over the world to get this drive, from the U.K. to Madrid to a charity gala in Cannes, but first L.A. to pick up this movie star that they know the arms dealer likes, then back to Cannes, then Turkey for the rest of the film. Orson and his tech whiz masquerade as Hollywood actor Danny Francesco's manager and girlfriend, respectively. They rightfully guess that the arms dealer not only will be starstruck, but he'll try to get with Danny's girlfriend, due to the "power of no", as soon as there's something this arms dealer can't have, he's going to want it, and they're exactly right. But meanwhile she's going to be hacking into the villa's security system, and figuring out who exactly wants this A.I. drive and where it's going to be headed next. 

The team figures out who's going to be handling the drop-off from the arms dealer to the client, also therefore handing the transfer of 10 billion dollars. Orson tracks the guy across town, but his cover is blown and he's forced to kill the guy, but at least he ends up with his phone and his dead body (to unlock the phone, duh) and then decides to impersonate him, because the client has never seen him. Makes some sense. But they're ready for the double-cross because they know that Mike has gone rogue and will probably kill everyone right after the deal is done. 

The buyers turn out to be a couple of bio-tech moguls who have been hoarding gold, and once they use the A.I. drive to collapse the world's financial system, the world will revert back to a gold standard and they'll be sitting pretty. Re-enter the arms dealer and the movie star, who do a bit of acting to complain about the dealer not getting his cut, and he threatens to kill the mogul's family and friends if he doesn't get it. Then they get out of there before the moguls and the mercenaries turn on each other, "Treasure of the Sierra Madre"-style. 

The team gets a long-deserved vacation, though their handler wants them to jump right into the next job. And the arms dealer decides to make a movie about the whole affair, starring his favorite movie star, Danny Francesco, of course. Really, try not to get bogged down in the unlikelihood of it all, it's not meant to be taken that seriously, we all just needed a break I think and a day to watch everything blow up, plus car chases and evil henchmen getting kicked in the nuts. Well, it's a lot more believable than complicated love triangles, I must say. 

This could be the start of a whole new franchise for Guy Ritchie and Jason Statham. Statham already had "Crank" and "The Transporter" and "The Mechanic" and was part of the "Expendables" and "Fast & Furious" movies, but Orson Fortune could be the next James Bond if they play their cards right. I, for one, would support a sequel to this. It's not exactly Shakespeare but then nobody is asking for it to be. 

Directed by Guy Ritchie (director of "The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare" and "RocknRolla")

Also starring Jason Statham (last seen in "Transporter 3"), Aubrey Plaza (last seen in "Spin Me Round"), Cary Elwes (last seen in "The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare"), Hugh Grant (last seen in "Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy"), Josh Hartnett (last seen in "Trap"), Bugzy Malone (last seen in "The Gentlemen"), Eddie Marsan (last seen in "A Brilliant Young Mind"), Peter Ferdinando (last seen in "Vita & Virginia"), Nicholas Facey, Lourdes Faberes (last seen in "No Time to Die"), Ian Bartholomew (last seen in "Wonka"), Sam Douglas (last seen in "Cleanskin"), Ergun Kuyucu (last seen in "Taken 2"), Begzat Ergeshov (ditto), Tom Rosenthal (last seen in "Bridget Jones's Baby"), Oliver Maltman (last seen in "Happy-Go-Lucky"), Tim Seyfi, Ayhan Eroglu, Savas Ak, Matthew Hawksley, (last seen in "The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare"), Max Beesley, Aksel Ustun (last seen in "The Take"), Oleksandra Zharikova, Mishel Lazarenko, Bensu Ugur, Ozan Ayhan, Eugenia Kuzmina (last seen in "Strange Darling"), Bestemsu Ozdemir, Kerim Pehlivan, Conor MacNeill (last seen in "In the Land of Saints and Sinners"), Vincent Wang,  Kaan Urgancioglu, Antonio Bustorff, Amy Jackson with archive footage of Paul Newman. 

RATING: 6 out of 10 Ukrainian henchmen (depicting Ukrainians as bad guys held up the movie's release)

Southside with You

Year 18, Day 79 - 3/20/26 - Movie #5,277

BEFORE: It's here, finally here! The scheduled end of the romance chain, the final tally is 46, and let me point out that I'm a professional, you should NOT try this at home. Really, nobody should watch 46 films on this topic in a row, because it WILL mess with your head. Unless you don't stick to rom-coms, once in a while break it up with a film about break-ups or messed-up relationships or you know, toxic relationships or sexual assault or something. The chain knows that 46 rom-coms in a row is not healthy, so it does find ways to mix things up a bit, thank GOD.  

Parker Sawyers carries over from "Austenland", and today's film has also been kicking around the list for a number of years, I may have programmed both films several times before but then cut them due to space limitations - but also, they both proved VERY difficult to link to, so if there's an opportunity to link to them now, I just have to take it. Thankfully Parker Sawyers has also appeared in a variety of movies, and so by tomorrow I can be on action movies and start making my way toward Easter. 

I'm going to sort of skip a day here, and count this film as my Friday film, so I can send a big Birthday SHOUT-out to Vanessa Bell Calloway, born 3/20/57, and she plays Michelle Obama's mother tonight. Happy birthday, I promise to not do the math. The big trend in my movies right now is films with smaller casts, like "Z for Zachariah" which had only 3 actors in it. Tonight's movie has 24, but that's still not a lot - I have to do more linking with less actors, and so these birthdays are going to be very few and far between. But skipping a day means I'm going to have to double-up next week if I want to stay on track for Easter. 

FOLLOW-UP TO: "Barry" (Movie #3,970)

THE PLOT: Barack Obama, a freshman at Harvard Law School, gets a job at a Chicago law firm under the orders of young Michelle Robinson. After some reluctance, she accepts his invitation for a day together that will change her life. 

AFTER: This is the long-awaited follow-up to that other movie about Obama, which depicted him dating white girls while at Columbia, and taking them to eat in Harlem and feeling out of place. It took me five years to program THAT film, and now another five years has gone by since 2021, so yeah, wow, 10 years to watch two movies. I have been busy with other things, though. 

Yes, this is THAT film, the one that's going to supply a hit of nostalgia in TWO ways, because we're going to flash back to 1989 when Barack and Michelle had their first date, which involved an African-American art exhibit, a community meeting, drinks and a screening of "Do the Right Thing". But also we're going to be reminded of when we last had a very competent President, RIGHT? (I'm calling out both parties here, because Biden had senility issues and Trump, too, but the latter is also a complete and utter moron. I didn't sarcastically said "What could POSSIBLY go wrong?" both times, and now we see that literally everything has gone wrong. Twice.)

I have to be fair tonight, because while this film is touching and sweet and makes two very public figures completely relatable, it also represents an H.R. violation - because Barack was interning at this Chicago law firm and Michelle was his supervisor. Did they disclose? Not sure that was even a thing back then, but Michelle was certainly concerned with how that was going to look, and so she refused to call it a date. To her it was just two co-workers attending a community meeting and then doing research into racial relations and urban violence by watching the Spike Lee movie. Look, people at the law firm probably wouldn't care all that much, if two (I'm guessing the only two) African-American people at the firm started dating each other. Back then to the white people this probably just would have made the most sense. Now if one of them was white, or if they considered Barack as half-white, it might have raised a few eyebrows. But hey, maybe not. 

Here at the end of the romance chain for the year, it's really a shame that THIS was really the only film I needed to watch - we can get a glimpse of the bigger picture just by looking at the small, or the one. Two people meet through their jobs, they go out, one calls it a "date" before the other one does, they communicate, get to know each other, they like what they see so they decide to move forward. No love triangle, no divorce, no wedding getting cancelled at the last second, just two people opening up to each other and considering the road that might lie ahead. There will be twists and turns, sure, but that doesn't mean the journey isn't worth taking. The symbolism of the movie and bumping into someone from the law firm afterwards means that their relationship will always be viewed through a racial lens, there's no getting around that. 

Barack openly admits that his dating history included relationships with white women, and also that he smoked a lot of grass while he was in high school. Then we've got the complicated issues with his father who moved back to Kenya and left him with his mother in Hawaii - though he seemed to grow up in many places around the world. At this point his father had died in a car accident, so really there would be no resolution in that relationship, other than what Barack could accomplish by himself. 

That's it, that's the film, it's just the first date, or excursion, that they went on together, because we all already know what came later, to some extent. The film's just 84 minutes long, so even the Obamas' first date was longer than that. Communication, compromise, and making sure that you and your partner are on the same page, or at least reading the same book, that's what it's all about. The whole nature of positive relationships summed up in one day in the life of two very important but also very normal people. If you find yourself deciding between watching this film and that sham of a documentary about Melania Trump, well, the choice is clear, isn't it? 

Directed by Richard Tanne

Also starring Tika Sumpter (last seen in "Ride Along 2"), Vanessa Bell Calloway (last seen in "Dragged Across Concrete"), Phillip Edward Van Lear, Taylar Fondren, Deanna Reed-Foster (last seen in "Widows"), Jerod Haynes, Gabrielle Lott-Rogers, Preston Tate Jr., Donn Carl Harper, Tom McElroy, Stephanie Monday, Eric Morgan Stuart (last seen in "Reality Bites"), Deborah Geffner (last heard in "Under the Silver Lake"), Donald Paul

RATING: 6 out of 10 flavors at Baskin-Robbins (he remembered her favorite flavor, and it's their first damn date - because that's what you do, you ask questions and you make mental notes, and you use that information to show that you care...it's the little things)

Austenland

Year 18, Day 77 - 3/18/26 - Movie #5,276

BEFORE: Finally, I've reached the endgame of this year's romance chain. This will be the 45th movie in that part of the chain, and I can't wait for it to end. At this time last year I was already deep into action movies with Liam Neeson, heading for Jason Statham films. I'm similarly headed for more Statham films but it's going to take a couple of bridging films to get there - this film and tomorrow's were always part of the plan, but both have been on my list for several years, and it's high past time they were off the list, I need to make room for more movies that were Oscar-nominated this year or just made it to streaming or cable. 

Jane Seymour carries over from "Irish Wish". Now I've got a path to Easter, but the next issue with the romance chain and that smaller path that gets me to Easter is that I've stranded a bunch of films, there's just no way around this, but I should take a run through my list and see if I can at least pair up a few films, this could pay off later on when I'm putting together the path to Mother's Day. 

THE PLOT: Obsessed with "Pride and Prejudice", a woman travels to a Jane Austen theme park in search of her perfect gentleman. 

AFTER: Well, any questions I have about whether to take this film seriously or not can probably be answered with the fact that it was made by the husband-wife team that made "Napoleon Dynamite" and "Nacho Libre", so probably it's not meant to be serious at all. Perhaps it was just made as a parody of rom-coms or a take-down of the theme park / travel industry, I'm not sure. But it's all about some people's obsession with the work of Jane Austen, and then that's taken to the extreme. Reductio ad absurdum. 

There is a Jane Austen Centre in Bath, England, which has a permanent exhibition of a Regency-era tea room, with costumed staff, and they have an annual festival and presumably maybe some themed events throughout the year - also there's something in Sweden called The Austen Experience, but it's just a LARPer event held at a castle designed to mimic an immersive Austen novel. Anyway if there WERE a real theme park, something akin to Six Flags, it should be called "Ride and Prejudice". Somebody, please steal my idea, I dare you. Maybe it could be located near Austin, TX? 

Anyway, for the purposes of this film, we're supposed to posit that such a place DOES exist, and that maybe it's all some kind of tourism scam to take advantage of romance novel readers, and maybe the travel agents are in on the scheme. The resort promises "actual" romance with one of the cast members, however no touching is allowed, so somebody explain to me how this all works. You can't have romance without contact, and even without it, this whole thing sounds in theory very close to prostitution. Or Comic-Con rules taken in a different direction - I remember a few years back after the #meToo movement Comic-Cons took a stand against any non-consensual touching or even taking anyone's picture without consent. But the forms took much too long to fill out and process so I think this practice was soon abandoned. 

Jane, an American woman with no fixed relationship - one guy breaks up with her because of her Austen obsession, and the only other guy in her orbit is her ex-boyfriend, who's a total creep - empties her bank account so she can go on this immersive trip to Austenland. (Look, if it was the Star Wars section of DisneyWorld, I'd support this...) But she can only afford the "copper" package, not the diamond or platinum upgrade, so she has to sleep in a room near the servant's quarters, she doesn't get the nicest dresses to wear, and her back-story involves coming from poverty as a waif that the rich people have taken in for some reason. Mrs. Wattlesbrook, the park's proprietor, naturally focuses her attention on the wealthier guests who have paid for the upgrades. Yeah, that tracks. 

The proprietor's nephew, Mr. Nobley, is the "Mr. D'arcy" analog, so the platinum guests are all hoping to be paired up with him, but there's also Colonel Andrews and a navy man, Captain East, who shows up late because his other acting gig ran long, also it might have been a porn shoot. But Jane opts out of the fancier tea ceremonies and finds that she prefers the company of Martin, the resort's driver and stable-hand. They bond over the birth of a foal and they kiss and spend more time together. Martin gets jealous, however, when he sees Jane interacting with the actors playing the Austen characters. But when she spends time with Martin, Mr. Nobley warns her against "cavorting with the servants".  

All of the park's guests and characters gather together to put on a play, this apparently is a reference to Austen's "Mansfield Park" and what could possibly go wrong? The play is a disaster, poorly acted and poorly staged, and one woman gets poked in the eye with an arrow shot by "Aphrodite". But Jane also bonds with Nobley a bit over how much of a disaster it was - really, all that was missing was the pie fight. But there's still the big ball scheduled before the end of everyone's week at Austenland. 

At the ball, Nobley proclaims his love for Jane, but she believes he's only acting, and leaves him for the company of Martin, the stable-hand, whose love is "real". Jeez, she came all that way and ended up in a very Austen-like love triangle, trying in vain to determine which of her suitors would make the best partner. Mrs. Wattlesbrook reveals, however, that Martin is ALSO one of the actors, and her romance with him had been scripted for her from the start. Jane leaves but also threatens to sue Austenland, Inc. because she was assaulted at one point by Mr. Wattlesbrook, and she's going to hold the resort responsible for that. 

Martin is sent to the airport, to smooth things over and try to convince Jane that his affection for her was real, but Nobley also shows up and tries to do the same thing. It's a genuine dilemma, and just like yesterday's film, it's two men brawling over a woman, because that's how boys settle things. Usually this would end with Jane choosing neither suitor, because she needs to take charge of her own "story", but only one of the suitors flies across the Atlantic to return the sketchbook she left behind. OK, that should settle things. There's a mid-credits scene that shows us that one of the other guests, "Elizabeth Charming" has purchased the resort from Mrs. Wattlesbrook and it now has a more amusement park feel to it, with rides and fair foods, and really, that's a step in the right direction, no more sexual assault allegations anyway. 

The place really needed an Emma Wood-House of Horrors, a Tunnel of Love ride, and really, a lot of better and more-fried food. Who can survive on tea and finger sandwiches? They need a funnel cake stand called "Fried and Prejudice" and maybe a BBQ stand called "Sauce and Sauceability". Then even I would go there. 

Directed by Jerusha Hess (writer of "Nacho Libre")

Also starring Keri Russell (last seen in "Dark Skies"), JJ Feild (last seen in "Ford v Ferrari"), Bret McKenzie (last seen in "A Minecraft Movie"), Jennifer Coolidge (last seen in "Riff Raff"), James Callis (last seen in "Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy"), Georgia King (last seen in "The Duchess"), Ricky Whittle, Rupert Vansittart (last seen in "The Iron Lady"), Ayda Field, Ruben Crow, Demetri Goritsas (last seen in "The Special Relationship"), Parker Sawyers (last seen in "Infinite Storm"), Sarah Niles (last seen in "Heads of State"), Annie Gould, Tracy Higgins, Goldy Greaves, Bernadette Chapman, Jools Newman, Richard Alan Reid (last seen in "Love, Wedding Marriage"), Austin Wilks, Alan Calton, Tom Whitecross, Jadran Malkovich, Gideon Jensen, Jared Hess (last heard in "A Minecraft Movie"), Andy Joy (last seen in "Rush" (2013)), with archive footage of Colin Firth. 

RATING: 5 out of 10 chamber pots (only, please don't use them)

Irish Wish

Year 18, Day 76 - 3/17/26 - Movie #5,275 - Happy St. Patrick's Day!

BEFORE: Lindsay Lohan carries over from "Just My Luck", and I've got a rough path to an Easter movie. I remembered that last year, right after the romance chain ended, I transitioned right into Liam Neeson movies (the most Irish one hit on St. Pat's) and so I think I'll do that again with some action movies, only with a different star. Because really, aren't action films the opposite of romance films in some ways?  I worked at the NY Children's Film Festival on Sunday and after a "Best of Fest" show and a couple long Q&A's they put out mini-cupcakes so that people could grab one on the way out. Well, sure, after kids have been sitting for 90 minutes in a dark room, unable to run around, let's just give them a bunch of sugar, and watch what happens. What could possibly go wrong? We had some kids running laps around the theater, that's how much pent-up energy they had. Right now, I need cupcakes - I mean, action movies. 

So here are the actor links that should get me to the end of the month - I slammed this together last night, with only two days until I needed it, for me that's cutting things a bit too close: Parker Sawyers, Jason Statham, Josh Hartnett, back to Jason Statham, Joan Allen, Kevin Costner, Christopher Cousins, Rose Byrne. There's an easy (?) path from there to Easter, which is April 5  and I think I can work in the last (?) "Mission: Impossible" film but I want to make sure I've got somewhere to go after that. I can't dead-end this thing now. Look, I'll be honest, I was kind of hoping the chain would lead me straight to "One Battle After Another" and maybe "Weapons" but instead I got "Mission: Impossible - the Final Reckoning" and "Paddington in Peru", but I'll take it. I only need a chain right now to get me through the next two weeks, and there's enough action, animation and a bit of sports in it to clear out the romance-film brain cobwebs. 

THE PLOT: When the love of Maddie's life gets engaged to her best friend, she puts her feelings aside to be a bridesmaid at their wedding in Ireland. 

AFTER: If ever there was a movie that demonstrated "Be careful what you wish for" - or, according to the poster, 'Be careful WHO you wish for" - I suppose it would be this one. Maddie is constantly putting herself down because she doesn't speak up for herself enough, not professionally or personally, and it's gotten her to a dark place. Actually, it's a pretty good place, she's a successful book editor but she's practically writing the books herself and she's not getting credit for it. Been there, girl, done that, only in the field of animation - but that's my story. 

What's worse is that her (co-) author has fallen in love with one of her besties, and now she has to go be a bridesmaid at their wedding at his family's estate in Ireland. The question here really becomes, does she REALLY have feelings for Paul, or is she just jealous of the fact that they're getting married?  I mean, she's got conflicting feelings that need to be straightened out, she and Paul are two very different people, plus he mistreats her for not giving her any writing credit, all of her work fixing his stories has to be anonymous, and that's not a good foundation for a relationship. He's a jerk, and she can't see that, she just wants to make it all about HER, and so she feels that the problem is that she didn't speak up in time, she should have made a play for Paul earlier, then she wouldn't have FOMO. 

But this is also a great example of my "burnt toast" theory, if something bad happens to you, look at the big picture and think about ways that this could actually be better for you. One day, if you burn your toast in the morning and you have to do it over, maybe you learn a little bit more about what setting to use on the toaster, and also maybe you avoided dying in a car crash on the way to work because you were in a different place. When Maddie gets to Ireland, she argues with a man at the luggage carousel because she thinks his suitcase is hers - to be fair, a lot of bags DO look alike, she should have put two differently colored ribbons on hers or something. Her bag was lost by the airline (more burnt toast, which will be revealed later) and THEN she has to take a bus because there are no Irish Ubers, and she ends up sitting right next to the same guy that she fought over luggage with. Sure, that's awkward, but she's being set up for an "opposites attract" meet-cute with James, only she's too deep into navel-gazing over missing out on Paul to realize it. 

She meets Paul's family, sees what a beautiful manor his family lives in, and she sees all the wonderful wedding preparations, all of it reminding her of what she missed out on. So she goes for a walk in the Irish countryside and accidentally sits on a "wishing chair" stone formation, and Saint Brigid appears to grant her wish. Yeah, I wish I was kidding here, but we're deep in Catholic saints now, and wishing is just a form of praying, right?  OK, not really but work with me here. Brigid uses her mighty Catholic power to change reality, and when she gets back to the estate, Maddie is the one engaged to Paul, her luggage is back and she's got the wedding dress to put on, and a rehearsal dinner in her honor. Well, that's all sorted then. Movie over. 

Look, it just wouldn't be a Lindsay Lohan film without a swap of some kind, either body-swap or luck-swap or now reality swap. But the goal is to LEARN from these Freaky things that take place, so what's the lesson here? I've got to say this reminds me of another certain film where an angel appeared to show a man that his life wasn't really so bad, and he had done some good in the world, he shouldn't commit suicide because there would be a ripple effect that had massive consequences for other people. Instead he had to learn that his life had value, and even though he never fought in World War II or traveled anywhere, he could still make something good happen right there in Pottersville, er, Bedford Falls. I also have to name-check "Candide" here because of the discussion in it over whether what happens is the best of all possible worlds - we can't see the multiverse so we can't confirm, but we still owe it to ourselves to live our best lives, just not at the expense of anyone else. 

But to place a reverse "It's a Wonderful Life" right in the middle of a "Philadelphia Story" framework - well, they said it couldn't be done, or perhaps it shouldn't be done, but this film did it. There's a wedding taking place and you know what happens at movie weddings, there's so much doubt and second-guessing that like 50% of movie weddings don't end up happening, both people are either hung up on somebody else or they're always going to wonder what would happen if they took that other path that they find they can't move forward. So this movie uses the Clarence/Brigid mischief-making character to show Maddie the other path, so she'll realize she was kind of on the right one to begin with.  

Well, you can't use your wish to wish for more wishes, but there's no rule against wishing a second time to un-wish the first wish. Once the timeline got changed there really was no other choice, I mean the rule of "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?" meant that once she cast the first wish, the entire wedding event is doomed, Maddie got exactly what she wanted and then realized it wasn't what she wanted at all. To be fair, Paul was always extremely shallow and she KNEW this, did she think she could change him? Not gonna happen. So James got hired as the wedding photographer and with him in her orbit, now she's always going to wonder if marrying Paul is the right move, which it is not. As soon as they went on that bike ride, and Maddie couldn't keep up, but Emma could, I knew how this had to end. Emma and Paul then started sneaking around - that's not just wedding cold feet, they both feel like they belong together and something is "wrong" with the wedding, as if somebody wished it into place. So now there's a big bust-up at the wedding - the only thing missing, really was a pie-throwing fight - and Maddie's messed things up with both guys, the only way out is to un-wish it, or say that it was all a dream or a glimpse of a possible alternate present. 

Come on, Maddie couldn't remember the simplest things about her relationship with Paul, how they got engaged or when their first dance was, or even what he likes to eat. How is THAT going to work out, when for her it's all like it never even happened?  Unfortunately there's a whole generation of twenty-somethings out there whose default setting is to put their own needs first, and guys, this is not conducive to a relationship. Communication and compromise means that 50% of the time, you don't get to pick the restaurant, OK? Stop thinking about yourself for a few minutes and realize that there are other people in the room, and that it takes TWO people to have a relationship, your soulmate isn't going to wait on you hand and foot, you need to pitch in once in a while, you entitled bastards. Speak up for yourself, sure, especially if you feel like you're being short-changed or not credited for your work - but also realize that once in a while the toast is going to be burned, and that's not necessarily a bad thing in the long run. 

It's too bad Jane Seymour couldn't make it to Ireland - she played Maddie's mother and she got really screwed by the reality-swap. At first she wasn't going to the wedding because Maddie was just a bridesmaid, not the bride. But then St. Brigid intervened and now she HAS to go, she was the mother of the bride, after all. But then, you know, the flight got cancelled, the gate got changed, there was an overseating thing, and finally she tripped in the airport and broke her ankle or something, and so she never even made it. Maybe next time, Jane. 

If I apply the burnt toast rule, really this film could have been a LOT worse. It could have been a wishing well instead of a wishing chair. It could have been a leprechaun changing reality, instead of Saint Brigid. Jane Seymour could have made her plane and it could have crashed. I'm not saying this film is anything close to brilliant, but it wasn't the WORST way to spend my St. Patrick's Day. And Maddie walked away from the toxic job where she wasn't getting proper credit for her work - I support this ending. 

Directed by Janeen Damian

Also starring Ed Speleers (last seen in "Breathe"), Alexander Vlahos, Ayesha Curry, Elizabeth Tan, Jacinta Mulcahy, Jane Seymour (last seen in "Puppy Love"), Matty McCabe, Dawn Bradfield (last seen in "Mr. Malcolm's List"), Maurice Byrne, James Rottger (last seen in "The Lost King"), Aidan Jordan, Dakota Lohan, Tim Landers (last seen in "In the Land of Saints and Sinners"), Rachel Benaissa, Rodrigo Ternevoy, Steve Hartland, Carl Shaaban, Vincent Moran, Charlie Hughes, Derek Carroll (last seen in "The Pope's Exorcist")

RATING: 5 out of 10 pieces of expensive family china (that somehow never gets broken - man, I thought for sure that was a set-up)

Just My Luck

Year 18, Day 75 - 3/16/26 - Movie #5,274

BEFORE: OK, some quick thoughts on the Oscars, which I sped through on DVD yesterday in the early afternoon, which is really the only way I can do it. Got through the whole thing in 90 minutes because I didn't watch any acceptance speeches or commercials. Unfortunately I didn't get the jokes about "Weapons" or "One Battle After Another" because I haven't been able to watch those yet. But I need to figure out my post-romance chain TODAY, so now I've got new goals. Both of those films are on the DVR right now, and maybe I can link to one, but the other one might be a horror movie, I'm not sure. Anyway, congrats to Paul Thomas Anderson for "One Battle After Another", I sort-of met him when he was on tour with "Licorice Pizza" and I had to cue him to go on stage for the Q&A. Give this guy whatever he wants so he can keep making great films. 

I was rooting for "Sinners" because it's the one I'd seen, and it did fine - Best Actor, Best Original Screenplay, Cinematography and Original Score, that's nothing to sneeze at. "Hamnet" and "Frankenstein" also did fine, those are going on my list, too and I'll be playing catch-up, as usual when October comes around, or whatever time the chain deems appropriate. I don't mind Conan O'Brien, he's a bit silly and over-the-top, but sometimes that's what you need in this crazy world. The filler was mostly kept to a minimum, but still, so much over-explaining about what editing and sound design are, didn't they over-explain these things last year, and also the year before? I didn't know anything or anyone from the animation categories, so I guess I'm out of that world now, but I did find out from the "In Memoriam" segment that one of my teachers from NYU passed away - Christine Choy the documentary filmmaker. That segment hit harder than most, what with all the film legends that passed away recently, Redford and Duvall and Keaton and those are just the headliners. The list of deceased stars had a cast better than any movie ever.

Chris Pine carries over from "Z for Zachariah". Tonight's film is another one that was available on Hulu until JUST a couple of weeks ago, yeah that seems about right. This happened with "17 Again" too so it seems like maybe they're doing a bit of house-cleaning over there at HuluDisney. When you pay for 4 or 5 streaming services like we do, you kind of expect that every movie will be available to you at every time, and, well, it just ain't so. Now I can set up a chain with available movies, but if I do that too far in advance, something I need as a link in the chain could be GONE by the time I get to it. C'est la vie, I suppose, but the chain needs to continue - usually I can just follow the film to another format, but tonight that didn't want to happen. I used to fall back on iTunes when this happened, and just pay $1.99 or $2.99 to keep the film alive, but I think iTunes has one foot in the grave and I expect the service to be cancelled any day now, they've pushed everyone but me over to AppleTV or ApplePlus. So I didn't want to pay $4.99 to watch "17 Again", I sure wasn't going to rent THIS one for anything over two bucks - I found it on YouTube posted by a random person who flipped a couple scenes and added a border so the corporate spies wouldn't find it and have it un-posted. I'll just put this on my list and record it the next time it airs on cable, which could be never. Anyway, tonight's film is therefore FREE and yet somehow I probably also paid too much.

THE PLOT: Ashley is known to many as the luckiest woman around, but after a chance encounter with a down-and-out young man, she realizes that she's swapped her fortune for his.

AFTER: Let me get through this one quickly so I can catch up a bit, I'm still behind after working Sunday day and now Monday night, then speed-watching the Oscars, and this is NOT my St. Patrick's Day film, though it is all about being lucky. No, since I've circled back to Lindsay Lohan it's pretty clear what the next film in the chain is going to be. 

What's clear is that nobody knew quite what to do with Lindsay Lohan after the "Freaky Friday" reboot, of course she had kind of developed this reputation for being difficult to work with or handle, but she also got a bad deal because, well, maybe there was nowhere to go but down. Look at her on this film's poster, she looks like she's 12 years old, and what movie do you make with someone in their 20's when they look like they're 12? You can't put them in an adult relationship film because it's going to look like an exploitation film - but really, isn't it? 

After a week's worth of semi-romances featuring deaths, divorces, disabled people and ex-cons doing nothing in a small town, it's very weird to have to go back to a silly, stupid rom-com. But the road OUT of this chain unfortunately leads right through a couple of them. This one hits on the conventions of a rom-com SO damn hard that it nearly becomes a parody of them, like one that obviously was taking those tropes just a bit too far, every single time. We have the mismatched couple, and they end up at odds with each other but they HAVE to work together to solve this very particular problem, so OF COURSE that's a recipe for falling in love with each other. 

But there are things here that didn't age well - Ashley has a list of people who worked at the party, so she has to somehow track them down and kiss them to maybe get her good luck back, but this means kissing a bunch of men without consent, and if that would be wrong for a man to kiss women without consent, the reverse should be equally frowned upon. She manages to disrupt all their lives in the process, like by kissing a groom on his wedding day, not cool. Plus based on the credits, it seems like a lot of the guys who she has to stalk and ambush-kiss were played by crew members, so that means the lead actress of the film was required to have intimate contact with the key grip, the sound guy, and one of the P.A.s - this is not a good look, it's a long series of H.R. violations. 

There are more stereotypes, like a black lesbian in prison who will punch you in the face for no reason. Gypsy fortune-tellers are pretty much off-limits these days, too. Gay guys in steam rooms, modern artists who make art that looks like literal crap, and rich black music moguls who for some reason use $100 bills to pick up their dog's poop. Umm, nobody does this, nobody has ever done this. All the other kids with their pumped-up kicks are struggling musicians who are THISCLOSE to being famous, if they could just get their CD in the hands of a record executive, everything's going to be cake after that. Because you just need to go from loser band to famous band in an instant by saving some record maker from getting run over, sure you can work small gigs for years, build up a fan base, promote yourself on social media but that takes TIME, so really if you can't become superstars in a matter of weeks, like what's the point? 

Everything is super-simplified here, to the point of absurdity - Ashley uses her super-good-luck powers to move up rapidly in the world of event planning, and really, she's like the film version of Marvel's "Black Cat" character, it's not just that she has good luck, but everyone around has to eat up all the bad luck, like all of her co-workers get trapped in an elevator so she has to handle the promo pitch meeting all by herself, and wouldn't you know the music mogul just LOVES her one idea, which is to throw a party. But within the "good idea" are a dozen little "bad ideas", like hiring an escort to date her boss and having little rooms at the party where people can close the curtain and have sex. This is kind of "what could POSSIBLY go wrong" brought to the extreme, because once her good luck powers go away then everything needs to fall apart very quickly. 

Then we have Jake, who has the opposite "bad luck" power, he's the manager of the band and his power to fall down, lose his pants and short out the band's electrical system all at the same time seems to be the only thing holding the band McFly back.  When he kisses Ashley at the party it's another form of "Freaky Friday" body-swapping, only it's the luck power that swaps, now he gets all the good luck and the band becomes a hit, they get a record contract in days and they somehow sell out the Hard Rock even though nobody even knows who they are. Yeah, even in a fantasy movie it feels like they skipped a few steps. Ashley gets arrested for running a prostitution ring at the party, and this leads to her getting punched by the black lesbian in jail - TWICE - and then fired. So she has to get Jake's old job at the bowling alley where the band played forever, changing lightbulbs, fixing bowling machines, unclogging toilets and spraying bowling shoes, which is Hollywood's version of the worst job ever. 

Jake takes pity on the luckless Ashley, gives her his "bad luck" backpack that has a first aid kit, an emergency umbrella and an extra pair of socks (don't ask) but really, giving her some practical advice to not be such a spaz would have also gone a long way. Also maybe stop being such an entitled millennial, just saying. A lot of people work in bowling alleys, movie theaters and sports stadiums doing menial labor and mostly it's good honest work, not career jail. Oh, sorry that we can't all be executives working on the 30th floor who make six-figure salaries hiring dancers and waiters to work at parties.  

Eventually, since Jake and Ashley are still in the same orbit, she puts two and two together and determines that HE is the masked guy who kissed her during the party, and HE is also the guy who her good-luck powers were transferred to, so HE should be the guy she needs to kiss to get the power back, and she does, but then she feels guilty about it. By this time she's in love with him, but now she feels they need to break-up, because if she kisses him again he'll be unlucky again, but she's so stupid she can't think more than five minutes into the future, where maybe if she kisses him several times a day the power's going to go back and forth so many times that it really won't matter any more, and life will become a never-ending series of good things and bad things happening alternately, or, you know, just life. Everything will even out over time if she could just roll with it, but that's apparently not where we find ourselves. 

Directed by Donald Petrie (director of "Little Italy" and "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days")

Also starring Lindsay Lohan (last seen in "Freakier Friday"), Samaire Armstrong (last seen in "Not Another Teen Movie"), Bree Turner (last seen in "The Ugly Truth"), Faizon Love (last seen in "Life as We Know It'), Missi Pyle (last seen in "Just Before I Go"), Makenzie Vega (last seen in "The Family Man"), Carlos Ponce (last heard in "Free Birds"), Tom Fletcher, Danny Jones, Harry Judd, Dougie Poynter, Tovah Feldshuh (last seen in "Armageddon Time"), Jaqueline Fleming (last seen in "The Tale"), Dane Rhodes (last seen in "Where the Crawdads Sing"), Mikki Val, Ira Hawkins (last seen in "Freedomland"), J.C. Sealy, Marcus Hester (last seen in "Runaway Jury"), Loren Kinsella (ditto), Strawn Bovee, Gerry Vichi (last seen in "Coma"), Dennis Wit, Kenny Alfonso (last seen in "Pain Hustlers"), Ray Garvey, Larry Gamell Jr., Rome Kanda (last seen in "The Informant!"), Al Roffe, Dean Cochran, Mary Firestone (last seen in "National Treasure: Book of Secrets"), Matthew Morgan, Dariush Vollenweider, Denis Gawley, Russ Klein, David Jensen (last seen in "The Best of Me"), Loring Murtha, Kevin Scanlon, Frank Ferrara (last seen in "A Shock to the System"), Kasie Head, John Bernard Martin (last seen in "The Irishman"), Chris Carmack (last heard in "Alpha and Omega"), Leanne Cochran (last seen in "Green Lantern"), Kayla Ewell, with a cameo from Craig "Radio Man" Castaldo (last seen in "No Pay, Nudity")

RATING: 3 out of 10 scratch-off tickets (which apparently is the only way to determine if your good-luck powers are back?)

Z for Zachariah

Year 18, Day 74 - 3/15/26 - Movie #5,273

BEFORE: At this point last year, I was done with the romance chain, and I was deep in a Liam Neeson block that was leading up to a St. Patrick's Day film. So this year's chain is a few films longer, and I'm going to hit a romance film on St. Patrick's Day, one that is Irish-themed. And this year I've only seen ONE Liam Neeson film so far, last year I had like nine in a row during March, and only ONE took place in Ireland, so you know, I'll do whatever it takes to make my chains line up with all the big holidays. 

Chris Pine carries over from "Small Town Saturday Night". 

THE PLOT: In the wake of a disaster that wiped out most of civilization, two men and a young woman find themselves in an emotionally charged love triangle as the last known survivors. 

AFTER: I'm posting late, because this is the Sunday film and it's already Monday - I had to work all day so I missed watching the Oscars live, came home exhausted but after an iced coffee I had a bit more energy. Enough to watch "Tournament of Champions" on Food Network with my wife - well, priorities, right? So I didn't have the energy for the Oscars, not even on fast-forward. I'll post my Oscar night thoughts tomorrow - right now everything is a four-way or five-way tie and we'll get there, it's just going to take me some more time.  

Let me deal with "Z for Zachariah" first, it's kind of odd and I don't even understand why the movie is named that because there's no character in the film with that name. For that matter, there are only three actors, so I think this one's going to win a Honky at MY award ceremony in December, for the film with the smallest cast. Yes, that's an award category for me, but there's also one for LARGEST cast, also shortest movie, longest movie, oldest movie, newest movie, best sequel, best prequel, best heist, best murder mystery and best destination wedding. Nowadays we also have best movie that I worked at a screening of, best Thanksgiving movie, best prison movie, best alien invasion movie, best LGBTQ film and best time travel film. It's a lot, I know, but now I'm keeping track of every little subject during the year so it won't take me a week to write that post in December. 

OK, a contender this year for best post-apocalypse film is probably going to be this one, set in a time after some vast but unspecified disaster, based on the radiation suits and the fact that the people who survived were underground, let's assume it's a nuclear disaster of some kind. Iran got their nuclear program running again, or North Korea sent missiles to Seattle, honestly it doesn't much matter, but with the recent news events, come on, anything is possible and this one maybe hits just a bit too close to home. There is, however, still a valley that has been unaffected by the disaster, and a woman lives there with her dog and her family farm and she's getting by. She can't use the tractor because it's out of gas, and she's got no electric power, but she's got a clean well and some chickens so she's getting by. 

Into her world comes a man in a radiation suit, he'd been in an underground bunker for years (?) and finally had to get out of there or else he'd go crazy. He'd apparently traveled hundreds of miles to get there, and he depends on medicine to keep him alive, but relatable, right? Unforunately he's so happy to be out and about in nature, he bathes in a creek, without realizing that the water in it is coming in from the outside world, so he gets radiation poisoning. Fortunately Ann and her dog find him and bring him back to her house, and she nurses him back to health. He repays her by helping out around the farm, helping her get gas from the pumps even though there's no power, and she can get the tractor running again. He also has a plan to build a water-wheel to generate electricity, but to do that he'll need to use the wood from the chapel her father built, and Ann's not crazy about this plan. 

NITPICK POINT: in many scenes you can see a bunch of fences that have been built around the farm, why not use THAT wood for the water wheel? It's not like you need fences to keep all the people who are not coming around out of the farm...

But now comes the reason I've included this film here - even though they are different people and somewhat at odds with each other (he's a man of science, she's a woman of religion) they grow together simply by spending time together and working toward a common goal. So they killed off our cities and they killed off technology, but they couldn't kill the mismatched couple who falls in love despite disagreeing on so many things. They've got wine and they've got music, so naturally one thing leads to another, and one night they cuddle, but the really hot and heavy stuff, well, it's going to take some time. Maybe John's got some issues. 

But one day another person shows up, he's got a back story about mining and watching a group of men go crazy underground, and he's been drifting around for a while, but really all he wants is some clean water and a night's rest, then he'll be heading down to the coast where he thinks there's a settlement, people are broadcasting on the radio calling out for survivors. Maybe it's real, maybe it's a trap, who knows? But Ann says the Christian thing to do would be to take Caleb in, feed him and let him stay for a while, not realizing that even if these are the last three people left alive on earth, there's still the possibility for a complicated love triangle. Sure, love triangles and cockroaches will for sure survive any apocalypse. 

John sees the attraction building between Ann and Caleb, to the point where he's ready to bow out of the situation, I guess it's partially a racial thing, Caleb grew up a few towns away so he and Ann kind of have a shared history, and they can "be white people together", as John says. But John still needs Caleb's help to build that water wheel, plus they hunt wild turkeys together, so it's an uneasy alliance perhaps, but these three people kind of need each other to survive. John clearly has love for Ann, but did he miss his shot? Or did he only have a shot because he was the only man around? Ann still comes to John at night, but one night John is too drunk and fast asleep, so she turns to Caleb instead.  

I won't say a word here about how it ends, because it's a pretty good conundrum, based on that mental game we all play about about thinking about the end times, what would it be like if there were just a few people left and you had to think about maybe repopulating the planet, would you make different choices, would love still even be part of the picture, or would having babies take priority over that? Would the few survivors live like hermits, or would social skills be more vital than ever before?  Would people settle down and work the land or just travel around like nomads?  Would the fall of human society be an excuse to live recklessly and lawlessly, or would people still follow the rules of the past and commit to each other and try to live in harmony together, as hard as that would be?  Would the few people left head out to the country to live a quiet life and work the land because that would produce the best results, or would that be done only because the cities were filled with radiation, destroyed buildings and piles of dead bodies? 

Anyway, we're kind of left with more questions than answers tonight, but they're kind of important questions. This future society might be a lawless one, and life would be just another commodity when resources are tight, people have to fight for supplies and survival, and lying to each other would just be par for the course. More to the point, if you strip down the basic apocalypse story, take away the fancy special effects and the politics and just focus on the survivors and the possible recovery, this is kind of what you get - at least it's interesting. 

Directed by Craig Zobel (director of "The Hunt", "Compliance")

Also starring Chiwetel Ejiofor (last seen in "Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy"), Margot Robbie (last seen in "Barbie").

RATING: 6 out of 10 missing eggs