Honky's Movie Year

Father of the Bride Part II

2012-02-10T00:44:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 41 - 2/10/12 - Movie #1,041

BEFORE: A simple follow-up, sure - but I promise this will make a little more sense once tomorrow's film is revealed. I finally gave in on these Steve Martin films when some premium movie channel ran them both in the same week, a couple months ago. It seems sometimes that there's no rhyme or reason to cable TV scheduling - if I were in charge, running a film and its sequel back-to-back would be a no-brainer. Wouldn't people who enjoyed a film just stay tuned to see what happens next to those characters?

I'm catching a break from the TCM schedule today - the roadtrip finishes up in Texas with "Giant", which I watched last year, moves on to Nevada for "Meet Me in Las Vegas" and "The Ox-Bow Incident", then hits Wyoming for "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" (seen it) and "Cat Ballou". Finally the itinerary comes to New York for the whole weekend, starting with "Portrait of Jennie" and "The Pride of the Yankees". Yeah, I'm not watching a film about the Yankees.

THE PLOT: George Banks must accept the reality of what his daughter's ascensionfrom daughter to wife, and now, to mother means when placed intoperspective against his own stage of life.

AFTER: I found a lot of insincerity in the acting here, Steve Martin's a fine actor but at times I felt he was dialing it in. And like in the previous film, they didn't give Diane Keaton a lot to do, except act pregnant. The worst offenders, however, were the young newlyweds. Any time that actors reading their lines sound just like actors reading lines, it messes with the suspension of disbelief.

Once again, there's no six-act structure, no major turning points (except, I suppose for the pregnancy announcements), no darkest-before-the-dawn moment, and no last-minute save. It's merely a peek into the lives of a family as two of its members conceive and carry babies to term. If that's your thing, great, more power to you - but it doesn't make for a movie, not in the traditional sense. And if we don't have our traditions, really, where are we? Movies are supposed to be for showing fantastic things on screen - flying spaceships and fighting robots and zombie hordes - because we just can't see them in real life, you dig?

Other screenwriting sins include sending away characters when they are not relevant (the teen boy goes to camp, the expectant father goes on a business trip to Tokyo) and creating all kinds of plot threads that never connect to anything. Why remind us of the conflict between George and the in-laws' Dobermans if you're not going to do anything with it? And who cares that it's the hottest July in years - how does that affect anything?

The only way this is relevant to me, at this point in time, is that my boss got married over the holidays, and recently his wife announced she's pregnant. So I am witnessing a situation similar to George Banks', that of becoming a father later in life. Obviously it's a game-changer for anyone, but I get to watch this one play out from a relatively safe distance. Still not movie-plot worthy, though.

Full disclosure: I was called upon to do a voice for a cartoon a few months back (I've been known to do funny voices during the workday, so the boss knows what I'm capable of) and had to create a voice for a gay French fashion designer. I have to admit that I watched clips of Martin Short from this film for inspiration, along with Bronson Pinchot from "Beverly Hills Cop".

Starring Steve Martin, Diane Keaton, Kimberly Williams, George Newbern, Kieran Culkin, Martin Short, BD Wong, Eugene Levy (all carrying over from last night's film) and Jane Adams (last seen in "Wonder Boys").

RATING: 3 out of 10 contractions

Father of the Bride

2012-02-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 40 - 2/9/12 - Movie #1,040

BEFORE: More wedding hijinks tonight - and linking from "Barney's Version", Dustin Hoffman was in "Runaway Jury" with Gene Hackman, who was in "Reds" with Diane Keaton. Heck, you can probably link to any two actors through Gene Hackman...

The TCM roadtrip hits the Midwest and Texas today - "Meet Me in St. Louis" is already on my list, and I'm going to pass on "The Public Enemy", "Some Came Running", "Red River", "San Antonio" and "Boom Town". But I will pick up "Abe Lincoln in Illinois", because I want to fill up the DVD containing "1776", and that seems like a good double-feature.

THE PLOT: George and Nina Banks are the parents of young soon-to-be-wed Annie. George is a nervous father unready to face the fact that his little girl is now a woman.

AFTER: This film had two speeds - dead stop, which at times just featured people talking (yawn) about wedding plans, and full speed ahead, with silly accidents and slapstick. It's like a comic farce Frankensteined together with a wedding show from the Style Network. And because the planning/decoration scenes weren't very comical, or even entertaining, they had to add additional narration over these scenes, which is a really bad sign. Often the narration would describe the EXACT same thing as the visuals, without providing additional insight. That seemed unnecessary - show, don't tell.

Someone didn't trust enough in the visuals, obviously - or maybe there's just not enough comedy gold to be mined here. Without the benefit of Hollywood 6-act structure, the storyline has to walk a difficult balance - if the planning of the wedding is too much of a disaster, it would be no fun to watch. And if it goes too well, it won't be interesting, and we're just watching a re-creation or fantasy of someone's perfect day.

The word "lame" gets overused these days, having come to stand for anything that's not up to par. But this film is "lame" in the original sense - any entertainment value is crippled by its own parameters. The parents of the bride can't be too rich, or we'll just hate them, and there will be no conflict with the wedding planners, and they can't be too poor, or they'll have no chance of paying for anything. This was noted by using the groom's parents as foil characters - they have a giant mansion, give cars as gifts, etc. By comparison, the Brooks family is upper middle class, so they can swing the wedding, but George also then gets to freak out at how much everything costs. So they don't go to Europe next year - what a shame.

In his own way, George Banks is just as irascible a character as Barney was last night - but again, they didn't go too far in any one direction. He overreacts, but only sometimes? I guess if he overreacted ALL the time, the audience would come to hate him? Plus, is he a cheapskate, or just frugal? Because weddings DO cost a lot of money, and there ARE ways of saving. As a screenwriter, you've got to try and have a point, and then eventually get around to making it. Pick a horse, and then run with it.

NITPICK POINT: Are we really still going by that old chestnut of making the bride's family pay for everything? Especially when the groom's family is super-loaded? This seems like a cultural tradition stuck firmly in the 1950's. And flying in the groom's family from out of town - in modern times, no one would reasonably expect the bride's family to pay for that.

Starring Steve Martin (last seen in "Mixed Nuts"), Diane Keaton (last seen in "Baby Boom"), Kimberly Williams, Kieran Culkin (last seen in "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World"), Martin Short (last heard in "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius"), BD Wong, with a cameo from Eugene Levy (last seen in "Going Berserk").

RATING: 4 out of 10 china patterns

Barney's Version

2012-02-08T01:27:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 39 - 2/8/12 - Movie #1,039

BEFORE: Another film featuring wedding jitters, it's sort of a loose theme for the week. Linking from "Forces of Nature", Ben Affleck was in "Paycheck" (never saw it) with Paul Giamatti (last heard in "The Ant Bully"), who stars in this one.

TCM Roadtrip, Day 7 - they're finishing off Germany with "Town Without Pity", "Desperate Journey" and "The Search", then moving on to Scotland today. I'm not adding "Brigadoon" for the same reason I didn't add "Camelot" - namely, this is my project, and not my mother's. But this evening's films are set in the Midwest, and though I'm passing on "State Fair", I will add "Bye Bye Birdie" and "The Music Man" to my collection, since I was in community theater productions of both when I was a lad. And since I've seen both films before, neither increases my list. But I did notice that the remake of "The Manchurian Candidate" is available on PPV for just $1.99, and I've been looking for that for months, so yet another push today.

THE PLOT: The picaresque and touching story of the politically incorrect life of the impulsive, irascible and fearlessly blunt BarneyPanofsky.

AFTER: Judging from the clips I'd seen, and a few reviews, I thought this would be more of a romance. And I knew the tagline on the poster, which I won't repeat here, but I figured that it told me all that I needed to know about the plot, and I was only partially correct. I wasn't expecting elements of a mystery, combined with a biopic/character study. But I suppose the film reflects life, which is part romance, part mystery, and part character study - isn't it?

Barney's story is told mostly in flashback - and in the opening framing scenes, we see him prank-call his ex-wife, and we learn that someone has written a book that accuses him of being involved in a murder. Intriguing stuff - what happened between him and his wife? And who is he accused of killing?

As the story plays out, at least Barney's version of it, we learn how a promising film director ended up as a schlocky TV producer, and we eventually learn the identity of Barney's wife. Er, wives, but that's all part of the twists and turns in his life. Of course everyone's story is different, but when you meet someone who's been married multiple times, you have to at least consider the possibility that their personality has a lot to do with the break-ups.

For Barney (and, I suspect, for many other people), marriage is like an elaborate staring contest - and when the other person blinks, it's possible to be happy that you won the contest, and also sad that the game is now over. But like Ben in "Forces of Nature", I'm left wondering if Barney is supposed to be a victim of bad luck, bad timing, or just a bad disposition.

Giamatti won a Golden Globe for this film, and I think it was well deserved - but it was for Best Actor in a Comedy, and I question whether this film deserves to be regarded as a comedy. There are comic elements, sure, but overall I think it's more about life's ups and downs, the fragile nature of relationships and the ability people have to bounce back and move on. Extra point for poking fun at vegans.

NITPICK POINT: Jewish people watching hockey? I guess they're Canadian, so maybe...

Also starring Dustin Hoffman (last seen in "Midnight Cowboy"), Scott Speedman (last seen in "Underworld: Evolution"), Minnie Driver (last seen in "The Phantom of the Opera"), Rosamund Pike, Bruce Greenwood (last seen in "Dinner for Schmucks"), Saul Rubinek and Mark Addy, with cameos from directors Atom Egoyan, David Cronenberg, and Jake Hoffman (Dustin's son, playing his grandson)

RATING: 6 out of 10 Montecristo cigars

Forces of Nature

2012-02-07T01:20:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 38 - 2/7/12 - Movie #1,038

BEFORE: Tonight, more struggles on the rocky road to love. (mmm...Rocky Road...) Linking comes courtesy of Clifton Collins, a character actor who's come to my attention lately - he had a small uncredited role as one of the Vegan Police in "Scott Pilgrim", and he was also in "Extract" with Ben Affleck (last seen in "The Town"), who stars tonight.

TCM is spending another day in the Atlantic Ocean, with "Action in the North Atlantic", "The Cruel Sea" and "The Spirit of St. Louis" (that last one is on the list) before moving to Germany for "Judgment at Nuremberg", "Grand Hotel" and "All Quiet on the Western Front" (which is also on the list). So, no takers today, but HBO just added "Rio" to the On Demand, so I'll probably pick that one up this morning.

THE PLOT: A soon-to-be-married man encounters an exciting stranger after his plane suffers an accident on takeoff.

AFTER: Ugh, this one couldn't have been more obvious and contrived. The screenplay probably started with the beginning and the ending, and then all the stuff in the middle was added just to delay, delay, delay. If you enjoy airport closures, car accidents and train re-routings, this is the film for you. Yes, all that worked to great comic effect in "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", but there's nothing remotely humorous here.

The premise is that a man (Affleck) is traveling from NYC to his wedding in Savannah, Georgia - but after some terrible traveling luck, and the presence of a wild female traveling companion, he starts to question whether he should go through with the wedding. His insecurity and doubt is reflected in his seeming inability to overcome various travel obstacles. (most of which should be easily solved by saying "Here's my credit card, get me to Savannah", but nothing is that easy)

OK, if you're thrown together with a free-spirited member of the opposite sex, you've got some choices to make. But try and separate the marriage choice from the choice of momentary temptation - or else things are bound to get muddled. At least here, unlike with "Scott Pilgrim", we can understand WHY the central character is attracted to one woman over the other. The free spirit may have relationship troubles of her own, and seems to be a magnet for disaster, but at least she's FUN. All the fiancee does is sit around in her wedding dress, drinking, and wondering when the groom's going to show up. She seems like a real downer.

Unfortunately, the film seems to have just as much trouble as Ben does, deciding what constitutes the perfect mate. And none of the foil characters are much help - all of the married ones aren't happy, and all of the happy ones aren't married.

It's tempting to attach meanings to disasters such as hurricanes, especially when they're used in films as cheap, lazy metaphors for turmoil and conflict. Sure, you can show two people standing in the middle of a storm, and we can get that their lives are unbalanced - but as a screenwriter, isn't that taking the easy way out? Wouldn't actually getting inside their heads take a little more heavy lifting?

We have to remember that in the real world, the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike. Earthquakes don't seek out evil people to destroy, despite what some ignorant preachers are fond of suggesting. I mean, really, Pat Robertson, that's just low.

Overall, this is some high Hollywood crap, but at least it fits in with my themes.

Also starring Sandra Bullock (last seen in "A Time to Kill"), Maura Tierney (last seen in "Baby Mama"), Steve Zahn (last heard in "Stuart Little 2"), Blythe Danner (last seen in "Futureworld"), Ronny Cox and Richard Schiff.

RATING: 3 out of 10 giant teacups

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

2012-02-06T01:31:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 37 - 2/6/12 - Movie #1,037

BEFORE: Still reeling from the outcome of the Super Bowl - I'm a Patriots fan living in enemy territory, though the team's glory years didn't begin until after I moved to New York. So I'm not really in the best frame of mind to watch a film, but the countdown rolls on regardless. This one should be right up my alley, since it's based on an indie comic (which I've never read, though) and was heavily promoted at Comic-Con 2 years ago.

The TCM Roadtrip is moving on without me today - hitting Eastern Europe with 6 films I've never heard of, plus "To Be or Not To Be", which I've seen. Then it's on to the Netherlands for "The Diary of Anne Frank" and "Lust for Life", and finishing up in the Atlantic Ocean with "Captains Courageous". I'm taking a mulligan on this, but I'm picking up the film "Venus" on another channel, so the count remains unchanged. Hoping to make some small progress later in the week.

THE PLOT: Scott Pilgrim must defeat his new girlfriend's seven evil exes in order to win her heart.

AFTER: Watching this film was kind of like watching a film where everyone has a thick foreign accent - sometimes it takes a half-hour or so for your ear to adjust. But in this case it was my mind that needed to make an adjustment - since the film doesn't much respect the language of film as I'm familiar with it, and by that I mean the film contains time jumps, space jumps and possibly even reality jumps, it took a while for me to understand what angle it was coming at me from.

If "Youth in Revolt" was like "Superbad" mixed with "Fight Club", this film is more like "Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist" mixed with "Mortal Kombat". Using video-game stylish graphics, on-screen text, and fantasy-based fight sequences, it's wildly unconventional. (I forgot to mention the animated sequences in last night's film, but it's a nice tie-in anyway) But it almost feels forced, like an adult's version of what teens might find cool - video-games, skateboarding, playing in bands, and making out. Did they hold some kind of focus group to see what teens like, and then just throw those things together?

What am I supposed to make of impossible fights and stunts, and a character who appears to be in a video-game? Sure, I understand it's all a metaphor for dealing with your partner's dating history - but am I supposed to take it all seriously like's it's really happening? If everything is a metaphor, what, if anything, am I supposed to take literally? Is any of this actually happening, or is it all a dream? And, by asking these questions, am I proving that I'm too old to understand it all?

For a film that tried so hard to be unconventional, it did fall back on two standard Hollywood-style conventions. One is the part of the traditional six-act structure that declares that "things must always be darkest before the dawn" - there must be a point in the plot where the situation seems completely hopeless, like there's no way for the hero to succeed. Then, of course, in the final turning point there comes, improbably, a way to triumph. The second is the moment of realization in the hero's journey, a teachable moment that perhaps gives the hero insight and helps him succeed. Here both take place in very obvious ways, but at least they do take place.

Here's my take-away - as a friend once told me, it sucks to be dumped, and it sucks to be the dumper. Which is why most people try to avoid those situations. But you have to treat people, even your exes and impending exes, with respect, or their spectres will continue to haunt you. In my case I asked my first wife to move out, which was incredibly painful, but she had already moved on emotionally, so continuing to live with her had become painful, as well as pointless. I did so with a heavy heart, knowing the only way my situation could improve was to go through the pain.

It's sometimes tough to say what attracts you to one person over another - but I understand that when someone regards you as their "safe" relationship, someday they may feel like you're the thing holding them back from new experiences. I was someone's safety zone, and then got regarded as a lead weight to her balloon, which wanted to soar. But in the context of this film, they didn't do a great job of explaining what qualities Ramona had that made her more appealing than Scott's other potential relationship. She was kind of a blank, plus she had all that emotional baggage - so what was it? The purple hair? That seems kind of arbitrary.

Love is a battlefield, I get that - but here's what relationships have in common with warfare (video-game or otherwise), and for that matter, big sporting events. If one person is happy, it often means that somewhere, someone else is upset, or at least disappointed.

God, it would have been great to watch this directly before "Tron: Legacy", or even "Captain America" - I could have used this to connect to another topic so easily! Damn, what a wasted opportunity.

Also starring Mary Elizabeth Winstead (last seen in "Live Free or Die Hard"), Anna Kendrick (last seen in "Up in the Air"), Kieran Culkin (last seen in "The Cider House Rules"), Ellen Wong, Chris Evans (last seen in "Push"), Brandon Routh (last seen in "Zack and Miri Make a Porno"), Mae Whitman (last heard in "The Wild Thornberrys Movie"), Jason Schwartzman (last heard in "Fantastic Mr. Fox"), Aubrey Plaza, and the voice of Bill Hader.

RATING: 6 out of 10 record stores

Youth in Revolt

2012-02-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 36 - 2/5/12 - Movie #1,036

BEFORE: It's Super Bowl Sunday, and it's tempting to switch gears and watch a film like "Black Sunday" or even "Semi-Tough". But I spent so much time drawing up the February schedule, I'd hate to undo it. I will have a sports wrap-up sometime this year, lumping a couple baseball, football, and basketball films together, plus "Invictus" and "Bend It Like Beckham". There's got to be some commonality between them, I figure.

Linking from "Lars and the Real Girl", Emily Mortimer was in last year's film "Our Idiot Brother" with Paul Rudd, who had an uncredited role in "Year One", along with Michael Cera (last seen in "Year One"), who headlines tonight.

TCM Roadtrip, Day 5: Another day of England-themed films - I'm going to pick up two Errol Flynn films today, "The Adventures of Robin Hood" and "The Sea Hawk". Since I've got a few pirate-themed films on the list, and a couple versions of "Robin Hood" already, I figure I might as well go for it. This means I'm going to pass on "Camelot", "The Entertainer", "Far From the Madding Crowd" and "The Lavender Hill Mob". Also screening today is "The Ladykillers", which I watched last April. The list stands at 265 films, which is where it's been for the past few weeks.

THE PLOT: While his trailer trash parents teeter on the edge of divorce, NickTwisp sets his sights on dream girl Sheeni Saunders, hoping that she'llbe the one to take away his virginity.

AFTER: Speaking of commonality, sometimes I'll program a week of films on a particular theme (romance, in this case) and find that they all have something else unexpected in common. In this case, it's characters with psychological problems. We had an egotistical entitled prince in "The Princess and the Frog", a sheltered princess in "Rapunzel", Lars and his mannequin girlfriend last night, and tonight the main character creates an alter ego. OK, so it's not really a split personality - just a split screen - but it's another case where a young man clearly has some issues to work out, and he chooses to do that through his dark side persona, Francois.

While at first it seems outrageous, when I think back on the trouble I had dating women in college, it makes a crazy kind of sense. I talked up girls who said they wanted to date nice guys, and I figured, well, I'm a nice guy, so here's my chance. Only to find they already had a boyfriend, or were about to start dating some jerk the next day. So what they really meant was, they just didn't want to date ME.

I wondered what was wrong with me - what made the girls choose the bad boys over the quiet ones? Did they just want guys with more experience? And if they wouldn't date me, how was I ever going to gain this experience and become dateable? Logic seemed to dictate that one must act like a jerk in order to get laid - however, I had a feeling that this logic may have been faulty. But that's the path that Nick follows in this film to gain a girl's attention. Here it leads to a lot of awkward situations where Cera ends up in his underwear.

It's clearly meant to show the lengths that a horny teen boy will go to for the love of a girl, or at least some action - but when running from the police and living your life as an outlaw seems to be your best option, it means that something has gone very wrong with your plan.

This came across as a spin on "Superbad", mixed with a sort of low-rent version of "Fight Club". I feel sorry for Michael Cera, who's now 22 but still probably getting offered roles as a high-schooler. About a decade ago Justin Long was the go-to for this sort of thing, but I think he kind of aged out of the program, and Cera picked up the torch.

Also starring Portia Doubleday, Jean Smart, Steve Buscemi (last seen in "The Messenger"), Zach Galifianakis (last heard in "Puss in Boots"), Ray Liotta (last heard in "Bee Movie"), Fred Willard (last heard in "WALL-E"), Justin Long (last seen in "Happy Campers"), M. Emmet Walsh (last seen in "A Time To Kill") and Mary Kay Place.

RATING: 4 out of 10 Sinatra records

Lars and The Real Girl

2012-02-04T01:14:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 35 - 2/4/12 - Movie #1,035

BEFORE: It might seem like I'm taking a left turn here, but I simply cannot watch another animated feature - I'm putting kids' films on hold for the next month, but I will get back there. It's time to concentrate on romance and relationships - I figure I'll get the oddball one out of the way first.

Linking from "Tangled", Ron Perlman was also in "Drive" with Ryan Gosling (last seen in "Remember the Titans"), who headlines here.

The TCM roadtrip travels to the U.K. for Day 4 - but I've seen "The Time Machine", "My Fair Lady" and "Scrooge" before, and I'm going to pass on "The Picture of Dorian Gray", "Gaslight" and "Mrs. Miniver". Classics all - but there are 2 movies I want to record on Sunday, so that's my limit for the weekend. I am so going to steal their idea for organizing films, though - I've got a bunch that are set in the U.K., and another block that's California-themed ("Down and Out in Beverly Hills", "Laurel Canyon", etc.)

THE PLOT: A delusional young guy strikes up an unconventional relationship with a doll he finds on the Internet.

AFTER: While we're on the topic of my childhood, I remember what it was like before I could talk to girls. I made some clumsy moves to get their attention in junior high, but it wasn't until I got to college that I came even close to dating. And then it took three years to go on a date where the other person also acknowledged that it was a date - the other girls just thought we were "hanging out", so the process was a mystery to me for a long time.

Socially awkward people come in all shapes and sizes, though - when I'm not working with animation geeks or attending a comic-con, I relax by playing on a trivia team. Those circles represent three different flavors of nerds - and in a couple of those circles, I might even be inexplicably thought of as "the cool one". They say if you're fat, you should hang out with fatter people to seem thin - so I guess I've sought out friends even nerdier than myself.

My boss recently handed out an award at a videogame event, and he told me the crowd was the nerdiest he'd seen - and like me, he's been to Comic-con, so that's saying something. My co-worker noted that on the same night, she was home playing videogames - so who's more nerdy? At least the geeks at the event were out being social, in their own way.

Lars is clearly a character unused to relating to other people - so he buys one of those realistic sex dolls (like a mannequin, only with something extra) but doesn't appear to use her for her intended purpose. Instead he talks to her, gives her a backstory, takes her on dates and brings her to parties. Instead of being creeped out, the whole town humors his delusion and treats the doll like a real person - because, hey, at least Lars is being social.

Lars has more issues than a newstand, but is he any crazier than someone who talks to their dog, or their plants? Really, it's only when the plants talk back that you need to worry... What about people who are delusional about their potential, or unaware of the effect their actions have on others? Or someone who, say, runs for political office and doesn't think that scandal in his past will come to light? What was that guy thinking?

After the set-up, there are some twists and turns I won't reveal here - but while this film is not flat-out entertaining, I bet it did well at festivals, because it's one of those darkish films that really makes you think, and I admire that. Whether Lars is just practicing being with a fake girlfriend, or really believes the doll is real is sort of up to you - the film works either way, which is impressive.

Also starring Emily Mortimer (last seen in "The Ghost and the Darkness"), Paul Schneider (last seen in "Away We Go"), Kelli Garner (last seen in "The Aviator") and Patricia Clarkson (last seen in "Jumanji")

RATING: 6 out of 10 action figures

Tangled

2012-02-03T01:50:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 34 - 2/3/12 - Movie #1,034

BEFORE: Another Disney fairy-tale from recent years - and I'm betting on it being a love story, too, right? Linking from "The Princess and the Frog", where voice actor Jim Cummings appeared as Ray - he also did a voice in "Titan A.E." with Ron Perlman (last seen in "Looney Tunes: Back in Action"), who appears again tonight. It's not pretty, but it will work.

The TCM Road-Trip, Day 3: Today the trip finishes off Mexico ("Night of the Iguana" - pass), then moves on to Colorado for "The Unsinkable Molly Brown" and "The Glenn Miller Story" (not sure I see the Colorado connection there...) before going WAY overseas to India. Now we're getting somewhere! I really should watch "Gandhi", and I will someday, but to record it tonight, I'd need a third DVR, so I've got to pass. But I will pick up "A Passage to India", since I've seen so few of the Merchant-Ivory productions over the years. And there's a movie coming up in 10 days that I want to pair it with.

THE PLOT: The magically long-haired Rapunzel has spent her entire life in atower, but now that a runaway thief has stumbled upon her, she is aboutto discover the world for the first time.

AFTER: Like last night's film, this is an expanded version of a rather simple fairy-tale. Rapunzel's locked in a tower, right. But WHY is she there? Again, I forgot to inquire further when I was a child, so Disney's added a proper back-story, borrowing a little from "Law & Order: SVU". Due to some unique childbirth circumstances, her hair received the healing properties of a magic flower (work with me, here...) and so an evil sorceress (?) baby-napped her and raised her as her own child, using her hair's power to remain young.

Fast-forward 18 years to where Rapunzel is living the ultimate sheltered life, not permitted to leave her tower, into the large allegedly scary world that her demeaning mother figure is "protecting" her from. And here I thought my Mom put the "mother" in "smother", because she wouldn't let me play organized sports as a kid. Apparently this would have caused me to break my arm, or worse, my glasses...but I digress.

I thought it was very shrewd of Disney Corp. to try and appeal to both boys and girls, first by changing the name of the story ("Tangled" sounds rougher, more complicated), then locking in the girls with the princess' hopey-dreamy-wishey stuff, and adding the thieves and thugs and action sequences to rope in the boys. It's almost like people over there know what they're doing.

The songs here are a little show-tuney, but they're not terrible. There were some very clever rhymes, particularly in "Mother Knows Best" and "I've Got a Dream".

Any NITPICK POINTS would probably concern the ever-varying length of Rapunzel's hair - portable in some shots, but impossibly cumbersome in others - plus it functions in more ways than Indiana Jones' bullwhip. But with Rapunzel sliding down from the tower on her own hair - correct me if my physics are wrong, but I don't see how she can function as both the pulley AND the rope at the same time, especially with no counterweight.

Starring the voices of Mandy Moore (last heard in "Racing Stripes"), Zachary Levi (last seen in "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel"), Donna Murphy (last seen in "The Fountain"), with cameos from Jeffrey Tambor (last seen in "Meet Joe Black"), Brad Garrett (last heard in "A Bug's Life"), Paul F. Tompkins and M.C. Gainey.

RATING: 7 out of 10 Wanted posters

The Princess and the Frog

2012-02-02T00:26:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 33 - 2/2/12 - Movie #1,033

BEFORE: Yes, February is the month of love and romance - but it also contains Mardi Gras. Pure coincidence...or is it? Linking from "Shrek Forever After" is simple since Eddie Murphy was also in "Dreamgirls" with Anika Noni Rose, who provide the voice of the titular princess tonight.

TCM's Oscar schedule, Day 2: I'm picking up "1776" this morning because I need a better copy - this will also test whether my DVR is willing to record off of TCM again. If it isn't, I'm sure they'll run it again on July 4. I've seen the film before, so it doesn't affect my count. Then the tour moves on to Canada for 5 films, including "Johnny Belinda" and "The 49th Parallel", and then down to Mexico, for "The Wild Bunch" (seen it) and "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre" (ditto). So nothing to add to the list until tomorrow.

THE PLOT: A fairy tale set in Jazz Age-era New Orleans and centered on a youngwoman named Tiana and her fateful kiss with a frog prince whodesperately wants to be human again.

AFTER: We all know the fairy tale, right? A prince has been turned into a frog, and needs to be kissed by a princess to turn human again. But WHY was he turned into a frog in the first place? I think I forgot to ask questions like that when I was a kid. But this film decides to answer the question, and I think it's important that it does.

A frog is lowly, humble - so maybe the prince needed to learn a lesson in humility. (Sounds like a pitch meeting - go on...) Then we add another layer to the story - someone needs the prince out of the way, so turning him into a frog gets rid of him, just seal him up in a jar. Since this is set in New Orleans, whatever witch appeared in the original tale has been turned into a voodoo houngan. Which means we can do all kinds of spooky voodoo stuff, and get the attention of the little boys as well as the princess-infatuated girls!

About that - I was afraid going in there would be all that dreamy Disney princess guck like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty displayed. But nay nay, this is a new Disney heroine - not just the first Disney princess of color, but the first one with a real work ethic. (Except maybe Snow White, didn't she clean the dwarves' house? Or did she make her forest animal friends do it?) So the new formula is: wish upon a star, but then work really hard, and your dreams will come true. Yeah, that seems a little more realistic.

So there are teachable moments here - the prince learns a little humility, and Tiana learns that maybe there's more to life than focusing on her career. Can these crazy mixed-up kids meet somewhere in the middle?

Tiana is also smart enough to know that making a deal with dark forces to get what you want rarely turns out well. It's a lesson that Shrek (and, for that matter, Spider-Man a few years back) should have heeded. It turns out that voodoo, like Rumpelstiltskin's contracts, have a lot of tricky rules, and a few loopholes.

The one character I couldn't get was Charlotte, Tiana's friend, who's a spoiled Southern belle who thinks that wanting things and deserving things are pretty much the same - yet she's generous when the plot needed her to be. Well, which is it? Is she an entitled brat, or not? She doesn't work as a foil character for Tiana unless she's everything that Tiana is not. But then, I suppose they wouldn't be friends? Instead of being a complex character, she's just a confusing one.

NITPICK POINT: So every man, woman, amphibian and insect in the greater New Orleans area speaks Cajun and plays zydeco music? Seems a little simplistic and also over-the-top.

NITPICK POINT #2: So Tiana tries to buy a building for her restaurant, but gets outbid. So what? She still has the money, right? And there are other buildings in town? So why is this such a stumbling block? For someone who wants to stay true to her dream, she sure gives up on it easily.

NITPICK POINT #3: Every fairy-tale reader knows that it's not really midnight until the 12th bell rings, not the FIRST. Sheesh.

Also starring the voices of Keith David (last seen in "Head of State"), Bruno Campos, Michael-Leon Wooley, Jennifer Cody and Jim Cummings (last heard in "The Jungle Book 2"), with cameos from Oprah Winfrey, Terrence Howard (last seen in "August Rush"), and John Goodman (also last heard in "The Jungle Book 2")

RATING: 6 out of 10 beignets

Shrek Forever After

2012-02-01T00:33:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 32 - 2/1/12 - Movie #1,032

BEFORE: The voice of Antonio Banderas carries over from last night's "Puss in Boots" as I close out yet another franchise. This film needs to be really great, however, to make up for the awful "Shrek the Third" (or, as they supposedly called it at the Dreamworks offices, "Drek the Turd").

But it's also a new month, and February has traditionally been devoted to films about love and romance. Fortunately (and not-so-coincidentally), fairy tales usually fit right in with that, so I'll spend a few days in storybook land, then move on to other romantic endeavors.

It's also the start of TCM's "31 Days of Oscar" promotion, so I've got to keep an eye on what they're running, and choose films carefully - if I try to add too many to the list, I'll fill up my DVR, and my list will start making negative progress again. This year they've arranged their Oscar-winning and Oscar-nominated films by location, which I find both clever and interesting. Day 1's films are set in Florida, like "The Yearling" (pass), "Key Largo" (pass) and "Some Like It Hot" (seen it) before moving to Pennsylvania for "Rocky" (seen it) and "The Philadelphia Story" (ditto). Looks like I'm all clear on Day 1's program. I did pick up a few other films this week, so the list remains at 265.

THE PLOT: Rumpelstiltskin tricks a mid-life crisis Shrek into allowinghimself to be erased from existence and cast into a dark alternatetimeline where Rumpel rules supreme.

AFTER: That's right, it's a play on "It's a Wonderful Life", where the kingdom of Far, Far Away gets turned into Pottersville - er, Rumpeltown. You can probably guess the lesson that Shrek learns from it all, that it always seems the grass is greener on the other side, and people/ogres always want what they can't have, without realizing how good their life actually is.

Just like "Shrek" put a spin on the classic fairy tale motifs, this film turns the Shrekian formula inside-out, forcing the audience to think back to the first film, and then putting a spin on that storyline. This time Shrek didn't save Fiona from the dragon and rescue her from her curse, so what are the implications of that? He's got to make friends (again) with Donkey, and try to win her heart (again). Like Vezzini said, "Go back to the beginning!"

There are a lot of new rules concerning the way magic works, and Rumpelstiltskin comes off like a shady lawyer, crossed with the devil and his love for temptation and signing things. I don't know if kids really found the finer points of contract law to be entertaining - but Rumpel was at least as interesting as Humpty Dumpty was last night.

So, yeah, I was well entertained by this one. I know the first "Shrek" inside and out, since we watched it so many times on our honeymoon (the cruise ship ran it constantly) - so it was nice to see a darker spin on the fairy-tale land. Throw in some clever references to "The Wizard of Oz", "The Untouchables", and even "Deliverance, and I'm a happy camper.

Also starring the voices of Mike Myers (last seen in "54"), Cameron Diaz (last seen in "Knight and Day"), Eddie Murphy (last seen in "I Spy"), with cameos from Julie Andrews, John Cleese (last heard in "Planet 51"), Jon Hamm (last seen in "The Town"), Jane Lynch (last seen in "Julie & Julia"), Craig Robinson (last seen in "Fanboys"), Kathy Griffin, Kristen Schaal (last seen in "Cirque du Freak"), Meredith Vieira, Ryan Seacrest, Larry King (last heard in "Bee Movie") and Regis Philbin.

RATING: 7 out of 10 mud angels

Puss in Boots

2012-01-31T02:47:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 31 - 1/31/12 - Movie #1,031

BEFORE: Steve Martin in a film about the search for a diamond - really, the next logical film to watch would have been "The Pink Panther" remake, but I don't have a copy. I'm still boycotting that franchise, because I didn't think a remake was necessary.

So, I'm wrapping up January with another cat film - I didn't have a copy of this when I watched the other cat films. And it's not on cable yet, or released on DVD - so how am I watching it? Well, one thing's for sure, I'm definitely NOT borrowing an Academy screener from someone I know who left it lying around. Because those screeners are for the express use of Academy members' judging, and any other purpose would be wrong. So, there you go, there must be some other explanation...

Linking from "Looney Tunes", Joan Cusack was in a bunch of movies ("High Fidelity", "Grosse Pointe Blank", "Say Anything") with her brother, John Cusack, who was in "Pushing Tin" with Billy Bob Thornton (last seen in "Primary Colors").

THE PLOT: A story about the events leading up to the sword-fighting cat's meeting with Shrek and his friends.

AFTER: A vast improvement over the films of the last few nights, particularly in the animation with regards to sword fights and dance sequences. Ah, yes, you will believe that cats can dance. In boots.

The backstory of Puss in Boots concerns his history with Humpty Dumpty - they were raised together in an orphanage, got in trouble together, and planned the big heist, the one from the "Jack and the Beanstalk" story. Yes, they scrambled a bunch of different fairy tales together here, but that's what people have come to expect from the "Shrek" franchise. Fortunately they only cross the streams here in ways that make sense.

I appreciated the backstory, and the middle heist sequences worked for me, but the ending sort of devolved into random chaos, and that's where the film sort of lost me. In order to add a twist the story sort of had to jettison everything that had gone before, and that was all the stuff that I thought I was enjoying.

Also starring the voices of Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek (last seen in "Cirque du Freak"), Zach Galifianakis (last seen in "Dinner for Schmucks"), and Amy Sedaris (last heard in "Chicken Little").

RATING: 7 out of 10 shots of leche

Looney Tunes: Back in Action

2012-01-30T00:26:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 30 - 1/30/12 - Movie #1,030

BEFORE: Brendan Fraser carries over from "Furry Vengeance" as I wind down the month of talking animals. Wabbits, er, rabbits and ducks and pigs all count, right?

THE PLOT: The Looney Tunes search for a man's missing father and the mythical Blue Monkey diamond.

AFTER: I suppose if I suffered through "Space Jam" I should at least give them a chance to revive the franchise. They kept trying to make another "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" but I suspect that was like trying to catch lightning in a bottle.

Bugs and Daffy are the stars here, and Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Wile E. Coyote, Marvin the Martian and the Tasmanian Devil fit nicely into roles as villains, secretly working for the Acme Corporation. If they're so powerful, how come they can't make any road-runner catching devices that work right? Plus there are plenty of cameos from the lesser characters in the WB canon, like Beaky Buzzard, Nasty Canasta and the Three Bears.

Also for the adults, there are a lot of in-jokes about movie-making, and the hyper-self awareness wherein the characters know they are cartoons, and take advantage of that fact. The studio executives complain that you can't just keep blowing Daffy Duck up again and again, and later in the film that exact situation comes up. Fraser plays a stuntman who doubled for Brendan Fraser in "The Mummy", due of course to their incredible resemblance.

But unfortunately there's a lot that doesn't make sense, especially the evil plan of the head of the Acme Corp. That, and a lot of other things, come from a place so far out in left field that it made me wonder how they got into the game at all. Overall, this film tried to appeal to children and adults by being a combination of action, comedy, animation and intrigue, and ended up mostly incoherent.

So it's another split decision tonight -

Also starring Steve Martin (last seen in "Mixed Nuts"), Jenna Elfman (last seen in "Grosse Pointe Blank"), Joan Cusack (last seen in "Sixteen Candles"), Timothy Dalton (last seen in "The Tourist"), Heather Locklear (last seen in "The First Wives Club"), with cameos from Bill Goldberg, Ron Perlman (last seen in "The Last Supper"), Robert Picardo, racer Jeff Gordon, Michael Jordan, and Peter Graves. Voices by Joe Alaskey, Jeff Bennett, Billy West, June Foray, and three people I've met: Eric Goldberg, Stan Freberg and Will Ryan.

RATING: 5 out of 10 jet-packs

Furry Vengeance

2012-01-29T00:53:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 29 - 1/29/12 - Movie #1,029

BEFORE: This looks like it's going to be a low-rent retread of "Yogi Bear", if that's even possible.

Linking from "Open Season 3", Crispin Glover was also in "Epic Movie" with Kevin McDonald, who was in "Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy" with Brendan Fraser (last seen in "Inkheart") in an uncredited cameo - that counts if I say it does.

Plus, this is the fifth movie in a row to prominently feature a bear as a character.

THE PLOT: A real estate developer's new housing subdivision faces a unique groupof protesters, local woodland creatures who don't want their homesdisturbed.

AFTER: How do I hate this film without taking sides against the animals? I love animals, both the indoor ones and the outdoor ones, the cute ones and the tasty ones. If that makes me a hypocrite, then most humans are hypocrites as well, but at least I'm aware of it.

And I've got no love for shady real-estate developers, or shady people in general - people like that might make me actually prefer the company of animals over humans. But even more than that, I hate slapstick as a form of entertainment.

I don't second-guess other people's choices - if you (or your kids) like seeing people getting sprayed in the face by skunks, or defecated on by birds, more power to you. This film is right up your alley - but I have a right to demand more cerebral entertainment.

I also maintain that we need forests, and maintaining a diverse biosphere is probably a good idea, so we need forest animals as well. (At least, that's what Ranger Rick magazines told me as a kid) But it would be great to see people putting housing developments on hold because they truly care about the many different species that would be affected, not because they get inconvenienced, and then roughed up by those animals.

SO the only reason this scores anything higher than a "1" is because the right message is there - pointing out the hypocrisy of people who tear down forests just to build houses on ironically-named streets like Elm and Maple should be a valid enterprise. Or highlighting the typical acts of companies that adopt green policies just for the sake of good publicity. However, the film didn't get there in any way that I found entertaining.

What a shame, it aimed really low, and still underperformed. Really, isn't this just "A Christmas Carol" crossed with "When Animals Attack"? There was a Super Bowl commercial last year where a man swerves to avoid a beaver in the road, and months later the beaver returns the favor by blocking the road with a tree to save him when the bridge is out - that 30-second commercial was more entertaining than this 90-minute film.

Also starring Brooke Shields (last seen in "Freaked"), Matt Prokop, Ken Jeong (last seen in "Knocked Up"), Angela Kinsey, with cameos from Patrice O'Neal (last seen in "Head of State"), Jim Norton, Wallace Shawn (last heard in "Teacher's Pet"), Billy Bush, and "The Daily Show"s Samantha Bee and Rob Riggle (last seen in "The Other Guys").

RATING: 3 out of 10 tranq darts

Open Season 3

2012-01-28T01:11:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 28 - 1/28/12 - Movie #1,028

BEFORE: It's a bad sign when the IMDB credits don't even tell me which actor voices one of the main characters, Boog, in this direct-to-video sequel. Fortunately some of the supporting actors carry over, not many though.

I have made great strides in cutting down the number of animated films on my list, however - in a few days there will be just a handful left. Of course, that doesn't count last year's films like "Rio" and "Rango", which I don't have copies of just yet. Or "Happy Feet 2" or "Cars 2" or "Hop", etc.

THE PLOT: Boog's friends rally to bring him home from a Russian traveling circus.

AFTER: Ah, the circus. Nothing says "Deus ex Machina" like the circus coming to town. Especially when a Russian circus comes to visit one of our great national parks, as they so often do. And especially when said circus features a performing bear that looks almost exactly like our main character, the forest bear (identical cousins?) so they can swap places. Yes, it's another take on "The Prince and the Pauper", or more likely that episode of "The Brady Bunch" where Peter met a kid at school who looked almost exactly like him. (And yet they never checked to see if he was a lost twin, curious...)

This right here is how you kill a franchise. Recycle a standard novel/sit-com plot, pump up the slapstick (Rabbit fight!) and the hilarious misunderstandings, and then just have your characters bide their time for 75 minutes. Oh, and don't bother hiring any of those famous actor-types to be in it, they'll only cut into the film's profitability, right?

Toss in a couple of threadbare messages about the value of friendship, or acceptance, or something. Or mention that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence (but don't say it directly, please, we don't want to be preachy). And, congratulations, your film franchise is dead. Now you don't have to bother making another sequel!

Starring the voices of Crispin Glover, Steve Schirripa (both carrying over from last night), and...well, that's just about it. I think someone dropped the ball when it came time to submit credits to the IMDB. Shout out to Fred Stoller, who I forgot to mention last night.

RATING: 3 out of 10 gumballs

Open Season 2

2012-01-27T00:54:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 27 - 1/27/12 - Movie #1,027

BEFORE: Just a few days left in the animal chain, and I can't help but feel I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel on the topic. Tonight I'm still in the national parks system, checking out the wildlife. I watched "Open Season" way back in the first month of the project - so I should probably re-read my review and a summary of what was probably a very intricate plot...

Dan Aykroyd from "Yogi Bear" links through "Spies Like Us" to Chevy Chase, who links through "Vacation" to Jane Krakowski (last seen in "Cirque du Freak"), who voices a doe (a deer, a female deer!) tonight.

THE PLOT: After falling head over hooves in love with Giselle, Elliot's road tothe altar takes a slight detour when Mr. Weenie is kidnapped by a groupof pampered pets determined to return him to his owners.

AFTER: Talk about getting excessively complicated - who knew that forest animals conducted elaborate wedding ceremonies, just like humans?

Actually there are two distinct animal societies here, the domestics and the wild ones. And they don't seem to get along at first, except for a dachshund named Mr. Weenie who was once domesticated, but now lives among the wild ones in the forest. His owners never stopped looking for him though (Awwww....) so they leave dog biscuits out in the forest, and he gets reunited with them.

His forest friends think he's been kidnapped, so they go on the now-traditional Long and Difficult Quest to find him and bring him back, leading to the conflict between the two animal groups, pets and game. It all comes to a head in a weird setting - within the national park is a combination hotel and amusement park that caters to pets, complete with doggie-treat buffets and waterslides for animals. As far as I know, there's nothing like that in the real world, so why feature it in a film?

It's a sticking point for me - why would people go to a national park and then stay at a hotel, rather than sleep in the RVs so prominently seen in the film? Why go out into nature and then avoid it? If people wanted to go to an amusement park, they wouldn't travel in a camper to a national park. And why bring their adored pets with them to a place where they could get eaten by, say, a bear? But since this is what the script needed, from a story standpoint it becomes a case of the tail wagging the dog. (sorry...)

Also, we do get to learn which actors have similar voices to the first film's stars, Martin Lawrence and Ashton Kutcher. Were they too busy to reprise their roles, or too expensive? The conflict in the original "Open Season" was animals vs. hunters - which made a little more sense than forest creatures vs. cats + dogs.

So, a split decision on tonight's film - it's not as bad as "Yogi Bear", but neither is it as good as, say "Bee Movie".

Starring the voices of Joel McHale (subbing in for Kutcher, and last seen in "The Informant!"), Mike Epps (subbing for Lawrence), plus Billy Connolly (last seen in "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties"), Crispin Glover (last heard in "9"), Steve Schirripa, Georgia Engel (last heard in "Open Season"), Diedrich Bader (last heard in "Bolt").

RATING: 5 out of 10 shock-collars.

Yogi Bear

2012-01-26T01:18:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 26 - 1/26/12 - Movie #1,026

BEFORE: Another personal connection tonight, but a less positive one. Last year the Academy had to make a ruling about how many animated features were eligible for Oscar nominations - by its guidelines, in any year with 15 or more eligible animated features, 5 films would receive nominations, instead of the usual 3. The Academy ruled that there was not enough animation in this film for it to qualify, so only 14 films were considered eligible, and thus only 3 nominations in that category. This may have prevented a film that I worked on from getting a nomination, so I'm predisposed to hate this film.

Oh, and Mark Hamill from "Queer Duck" was in a little film called "Star Wars" with Harrison Ford, who was in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" with Dan Aykroyd (last seen in "Neighbors") in a cameo role. Aykroyd provides the voice of Yogi tonight. And the bear thing - Bi-Polar Bear in last night's film - is another obvious link.

THE PLOT: A documentary filmmaker travels to Jellystone Park to shoot a projectand soon crosses paths with Yogi Bear, his sidekick Boo-Boo, and RangerSmith.

AFTER: The Academy should have ruled against this one not for its lack of animation, but for its lack of imagination - or any redeeming value, for that matter.

Ugh, I don't even know where to start with this one, or if it's even going to be worth pointing out its numerous faults. I guess I'll start with the obvious - talking bears, which doesn't seem to alarm anyone, though all the other animals seem quite mute. People even travel for miles to see the talking bears, and consider it an honor to have their picnic baskets stolen by them. Which all seems rather weird.

And the talking bear is an inventor on a par with Wile E. Coyote - which is a contradiction in itself, how can an animal be so smart as to build all this complex stuff, which requires brains, but to have absolutely NONE of it do what it's supposed to do - so, are they smart, or not? As a screenwriter, someone has to make some kind of decision.

I know, kids' film, kids' film, kids' film. But BAD kids' film. Even a kids' film has to make some kind of sense. And entertain, at least on some level. But every actor here looks like they'd rather be somewhere else, or in some other movie, except maybe the mayor, who's the only non-animated being on screen with any kind of energy.

I don't know what's worse, the lackluster performances or the "Hey, let's put on a SHOW!" mentality that's going to (somehow) balance the city budget and save a park. And what's with that, anyway - why is a NATIONAL park subject to the whims of a city's budget? Shouldn't they be getting federal funds somehow, or am I asking too much for requiring one lick of sense here?

Just because you can animate a bear character, and make it talk and fall down and water-ski, doesn't mean that you SHOULD. You should only do so if doing so proves to be entertaining, which it's not.
And, like last night's film there are spoofs of/homages to famous (better) films, like "Superman", "2001: A Space Odyssey", even "Apocalypse Now" - but last night they were used for comic effect, here they seem just pointless.

Also starring Tom Cavanagh (who I want to like, really, but he's got to pick better material), T.J. Miller (last heard in "How to Train Your Dragon"), Anna Faris (last heard in "Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel"), Andrew Daly (last seen in "She's Out of My League"), Nate Corddry, and the voice of Justin Timberlake (last heard in "Shrek the Third").

RATING: 2 out of 10 pies in the face

Queer Duck: The Movie

2012-01-25T00:30:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 25 - 1/25/12 - Movie #1,025

BEFORE: Tim Curry carries over again, making for a voiceover trifecta. Full disclosure: I know the director of this film in the real world, I will do my best to remain impartial. But really, if I didn't, what's the harm?

THE PLOT: Queer Duck leaves his lover, Openly Gator, when he becomes enamored of and marries the Nora-Desmondesque Ms. Buzzard.

AFTER: I guess this also springs from a Showtime TV series, probably their bid to compete with "South Park" and "Drawn Together", this is in the same vein of irreverent animation.

This film may have also sprung from that news item a few years ago about gay penguins in some zoo, which sparked some controversy and shook up people's notions about animals and sexuality. Or, maybe it's just trying to be funny. There are lots of pot-shots at gay culture and general pop culture, so it somehow manages to celebrate and spoof the gay lifestyle at the same time. Homophobes and born-again preachers who try to "pray away the gay" are easy targets, of course.

In addition to the obvious "Sunset Boulevard" references, there are send-ups of "Beauty and the Beast", "Lady and the Tramp", Gilbert & Sullivan, "A Clockwork Orange", "The Graduate", and "A Christmas Carol". I'm sure I'm probably missing a few. Meanwhile there are "South Park"-like jabs at Liz Taylor, Michael Jackson, Liza Minnelli, Barbra Streisand (of course...), and Rosie O'Donnell. The downside is that jabs at the King of Pop, as well as the show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" are now really dated, and this movie's just 5 years old! That's the risk you take when you go topical.

Still, there's lots of clever stuff here - what else would you expect from a film with characters named Bi-Polar Bear and Oscar Wildcat? Or an aging actress (literally, an old buzzard) who stars in a one-woman show titled "Still Not Dead"?

Also starring the voices of Jim J. Bullock (last seen in "Switch"), Kevin Michael Richardson (last heard as the shaman in "The Wild Thornberrys Movie"), Billy West (last heard in "Cats & Dogs"), Jackie Hoffman, Maurice LaMarche, and Jeff Bennett (last heard as Ted in "Curious George 2"), with cameos from Mark Hamill (last heard in "Tom and Jerry in Shiver Me Whiskers"), Andy Dick (last heard in "The Lion King 2"), Estelle Harris (last heard in "Teacher's Pet"), Bruce Vilanch and Conan O'Brien.

RATING: 6 out of 10 thermometers

Curious George 2: Follow That Monkey!

2012-01-24T00:37:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 24 - 1/24/12 - Movie #1,024

BEFORE: Last night's film was about the relationship between a girl and her monkey - so let's run with that tonight, the relationship between human and monkey. And Tim Curry carries over as well, voicing Mr. Thornberry last night, and a circus magician named Piccadilly (get it?) tonight.

THE PLOT: The film chronicles George's adventures as he befriends Kayla, a babyelephant, at a magic circus show and helps her travel across thecountry to be reunited with her family.

AFTER: Yes, it's another traveling quest film - with George, Ted (aka The Man With The Yellow Hat) and an elephant going cross-country. Would it surprise anyone that the monkey seems to be the one with all the plans? Ted's constantly distracted by his upcoming pitch to become head of the museum, so he kind of gets roped into the trip.

But there's a mix-up, and even though Ted's as honest as the day is long, it appears that he kidnapped, err, calf-napped the young elephant. This is sort of a spin on "Dumbo", only the elephant juggles instead of flies, wants to be reunited with her brother and sister, not her mother, and the villain is not a cruel circus-master, but instead an over-zealous security expert.

Pretty standard stuff, from all I've seen this month, but monkeys are cute and mischievous, even when they can't talk. And it's Ted who learns the most important lesson, which is to cut loose, have some fun and enjoy the trip. Though his original pitch is ruined, he's able to pitch the lesson instead and succeed. But, did he really learn to put loved ones first? That girlfriend of his still seemed sort of neglected.

NITPICK POINT: Stuck in a train car, with no way to escape. Am I to believe a man can't call for help, because his cell phone won't work anywhere between New York and St. Louis?

NITPICK POINT #2: California's a pretty big state. This film seems to suggest that once you get there, finding an elephant is going to be simple. Why, the animal park's just up the road! Awful big coincidence, if you ask me.

NITPICK POINT #3: This film makes an interesting distinction between doing what's legal and doing what's right, which is a bit of a strange message to have in a kiddie film. When Ted learns he's on the hook for stealing an elephant, rather than turn himself in and fix things, his reaction is more like "Screw it, I can't get into any more trouble than I'm already in, so let's break some more laws!" Again, kids are watching.

Also starring the voices of Jeff Bennett (last heard in "The Jungle Book 2"), Jamie Kennedy (last seen in "Romeo + Juliet"), animation regulars Fred Tatasciore, Catherine Taber, Frank Welker, Carlos Alazraqui and Cree Summer, with cameos from Jerry Lewis (last seen in "The Patsy"), Matt Lauer and Clint Howard (last seen in "The Missing").

RATING: 4 out of 10 pie charts

The Wild Thornberrys Movie

2012-01-23T00:23:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 23 - 1/23/12 - Movie #1,023

BEFORE: This is another animated feature based on a kids' cable show that I've never watched, like "Jimmy Neutron" and "Teacher's Pet". But I am somewhat familiar with it, and the animation style, which is by the same company that did "Rugrats" (which I never cared for) and "Duckman" (which I did like, but for its humor, not the crudely-drawn animation).

It's about a family that travels around the world filming a nature documentary show, and the younger daughter has the ability to talk to animals, much like Mowgli. And Mae Whitman, who voiced Shanti in "Jungle Book 2" has a voice role here as "Schoolgirl", which I'm sure must be a crucial role.

THE PLOT: On an African safari, Eliza Thornberry discovers that thanks to ashaman, she can now talk to animals. When Eliza discovers that poachersin Africa's Serengeti Desert plan to kill an elephant herd with anelectrified fence, she and her chimpanzee friend Darwin must somehowfind a way to stop them.

AFTER: This one came on just a bit too strong with the anti-poaching message. Not that I'm in favor of animal poaching, or fur trapping, or anything like that. But I'm already against it, and I don't need a heavy-handed PSA about it in animated form. Still, maybe there are kids out there who aren't aware, so I'm going to let it slide.

There just wasn't a lot for me to grab on to with this one. OK, so Eliza wants to save a cheetah cub, I can get behind that. But the whole thing with her being sent to boarding school in London just seemed like an odd diversion, or some kind of time-killer until they could get her back to the action.

Plus, like in last night's film, there's an awful lot of people getting lost in the jungle, finding each other, then running off again. You'd expect that documentary filmmakers would have better ways of navigating through the jungle, and communicating with each other so their children wouldn't be constantly getting lost.

The big action scene involves elephants congregating in a particular valley during an eclipse. But not only is this unlikely (since there's no warning of an eclipse, and elephants walk slowly and would need to start out ahead of time) but never fully explained. Eliza makes up some B.S. answer in the end, but for me the reasoning wasn't there.

The "magic" angle is an OK way to explain why one character can talk to animals, and vice versa - hey, it worked in "Dr. Doolittle", didn't it? It's more attention to the topic than most movies have - in "Jungle Book 2", for example, Mowgli and the animals just converse with no explanation.

NITPICK POINT: Again, a movie features an animal stowing away in a person's luggage - all the way from Africa to London. Doesn't anyone x-ray bags? Of course they do. A monkey probably can't travel this way and get through airport security. Plus there are all sorts of quarantine restrictions, for good reasons. What if that monkey contaminated the whole boarding school?

I will give props for the soundtrack, though - with songs from Paul Simon, Peter Gabriel and the Pretenders, just as a start. Didn't help the plot much, but I was impressed.

Starring the voices of Lacey Chabert (last heard in "Lion King 2"), Tim Curry (last heard in "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties"), Lynn Redgrave (last seen in "Kinsey"), Tom Kane, Jodi Carlisle, Rupert Everett (last seen in "Stardust"), Marisa Tomei (last seen in "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead"), with cameos from Alfre Woodard (last seen in "Crooklyn"), Brock Peters (last seen in "Soylent Green"), Brenda Blethyn (last seen in "A River Runs Through It"), Charles Shaughnessy and Flea.

RATING: 3 out of 10 talking squirrels

The Jungle Book 2

2012-01-21T23:28:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 22 - 1/22/12 - Movie #1,022

BEFORE: This worked out pretty well, I'm watching films set in the African wilds and Indian jungles while it's below freezing and there's snow on the ground here in NYC.

The animation world is filled with unsung heroes, people who can do amazing things with their voices and play all different characters and don't always get the recognition they deserve. Tonight I salute one of these actors, and not just because doing so is the easiest way to link between movies. Really, how cynical of you to even think that! Jim Cummings provided the voice for the third hyena in "The Lion King" (the one not voiced by Whoopi Goldberg or Cheech Marin) and in "Lion King 2" he supplied the very necessary "Additional voices" - I mean, come on, what would that film be without additional voices? In tonight's film he voices two roles, Kaa the Snake and Col. Hathi the elephant.

Cummings is probably most famous for being the voice of Winnie the Pooh, and Tigger as well, dating back to 1988. Sterling Holloway voiced Pooh (and the original Kaa) before that, but at some point characters tend to outlive the voice actors. I saw "The Jungle Book" when I was a kid (must have been a re-release, since the movie's a year older than I am), and it's a little sad to think about the fact that most of the actors weren't around to reprise their roles when they made the sequel 36 years later: Phil Harris, Sebastian Cabot, Louis Prima and the great George Sanders.

When you're a kid you can just enjoy "The Jungle Book" as a cartoon - but as an adult I sometimes watch and old movie and find myself thinking about how no one on the screen is still alive...

THE PLOT: Mowgli, missing the jungle and his old friends, runs away from the manvillage unaware of the danger he's in by going back to the wild.

AFTER: Once again, a lot of concurrent themes and plot points with the previous film in the chain, "Lion King 2". Kiara is told not to venture across the river and out of the pridelands, and Mowgli is told not to venture across the river and into the jungle. But you just know Mowgli's going to cross the river, right? I mean, if he doesn't it's going to be a pretty boring movie...what with staying in the village and doing chores, catching up on laundry, etc.

So Mowgli hooks back up with his old buddy Baloo, and hijinks follow - but Mowgli's girlfriend Shanti and his little pal Ranjan follow, and then there's that tiger Shere Khan who wants revenge (KHAAN!) for what happened to him in the first film.

Unfortunately not a lot happens in this film, mostly people keep losing each other in the jungle, call out each other's names, and find each other again. (Repeat as necessary until the big showdown) There are a couple nifty songs, but only a couple - and one of those, "The Bare Necessities", carries over from the original "Jungle Book", so that's a bit of a cheat. Wait, make that two, since "I Wanna Be Like You" also plays during the closing credits. Apparently the budget for creating new songs for a direct-to-video sequel is not that high.

Starring the voices of John Goodman (last heard in "Bee Movie"), Haley Joel Osment (last seen in a cameo in "Mixed Nuts"), Mae Whitman, John Rhys-Davies, Tony Jay (last heard in "All Dogs Go to Heaven 2") and Phil Collins.

RATING: 4 out of 10 mangos

The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride

2012-01-20T23:37:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 21 - 1/21/12 - Movie #1,021

BEFORE: First thing tonight, I want to give some shouts out to my 2 new favorite pieces of viral entertainment - one is a Vimeo/Youtube clip someone edited together of pieces of dialogue from various famous films - everything from "E.T." and "Annie Hall" to "Back to the Future" and "Total Recall". When set to music, the characters from the various films recite the first verse and chorus of Lionel Richie's 80's sap-fest "Hello". It's a bit jarring at first, but after a few views I began to roll with it, and then I wanted to identify every little clip. Such a simple idea - every word or phrase has been spoken in some film at some time, right? But it's genius in its simplicity - more like this, please, internet people. Copyright clearances be damned.

In a similar vein, I'm getting into this year's "United State of Pop" remix of last year's top 25 hits, as assembled by DJ Earworm. He's done this at last since 2008, taking bits of songs from a year and interweaving them, to form something that's both familiar and original, stitched together and also coherent, creating something new from the pieces of the old. I wasn't digging the 2011 song, "World Go Boom", when I first heard it, but then I watched it with the video and started to figure out where all the pieces came from - Adele, Katy Perry, LMFAO, Bruno Mars. I don't even like most of today's music, but I love it when it's all mashed together - does that make sense? This one might even top the 2009 mix, which was called "Blame It on the Pop".

Tonight my film count stands at 265 - and it was 270 on Jan. 1, 20 days ago, so I'm still adding 3 films for each one I watch, but even though it's slow progress, that still counts as progress.

THE PLOT: Simba's daughter is the key to a resolution of a bitter feud between Simba's pride and the outcast pride led by the mate of Scar.

AFTER: Well, at least tonight I had the advantage of not knowing the plot - that made it easier for me to stay awake and pay attention.

I reckon they gave Simba a daughter so this wouldn't feel like a retread of the first film. But it's still a basic retread of "Romeo & Juliet" (only with a happier ending), in the same ways that "The Lion King" was a retread of "Hamlet", complete with Timon/Rosencrantz and Pumbaa/Guildenstern.

The animation was fine, even though the House of Mouse farmed its direct-to-video sequels off to the Disney Studio in Australia, presumably to save some cash and get it done quicker. But the songs aren't necessarily up to snuff with the original film. "We Are One" is a pale copy of "Circle of Life", and "Love Will Find a Way" wasn't nearly as moving as "Can You Feel the Love Tonight".

Still, it's got action, and conflict, and comic relief, all those things that help keep the ADHD kids focused. So I'm taking a non-committal middle score on this one.

Starring the voices of Matthew Broderick, Moira Kelly, Nathan Lane, Robert Guillaume, James Earl Jones, Ernie Sabella (all carrying over from the first film), plus Suzanne Pleshette, Neve Campbell (last seen in "The Craft"), Andy Dick (last seen in "Knocked Up"), and Jason Marsden.

RATING: 5 out of 10 antelope

The Lion King

2012-01-19T23:51:00.001-08:00

Year 4, Day 20 - 1/20/12 - Movie #1,020

BEFORE: I know what you're thinking - how could he NOT have seen "The Lion King"? How could he work in animation and not have rushed out to see, like, the biggest Disney movie ever? (Let me check on that - yes, confirmed, it's the biggest Disney movie ever, save for "Toy Story 3".) Geez, I've only had 17 years to watch this, what was the hold-up? Well, when it was first released I did have a co-worker who lobbied hard for it, and sometimes that makes me defensive, and the more people push for me to see something, the less I want to see it. Sometimes I like to discover movies on my own, ya dig? Plus I was sort of busy in 1994 - actually that may be something of an understatement.

But that's what the blog is about - atoning for past cinematic sins. (cins?) I did buy tickets to the Broadway stage version for my wife's birthday last October, so I'm coming at this one from a funny angle, having seen the stage show before the film it was based on.

Joel Edgerton from "Legend of the Guardians" was also in "Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith", which conveniently links him to James Earl Jones, who provided Darth Vader's voice in that film, however briefly.

THE PLOT: Tricked into thinking he killed his father, a guilt ridden lion cub flees into exile and abandons his identity as the future King.

AFTER: See, this reminded me why I love animation. Sure, you can dress up a bunch of people and build fantastic sets, and giant animal-shaped puppets, but with animation, there truly are no limits. If you can imagine it, it can be drawn (or generated or composited, whatever) and it can look like the ultimate rendition of that object or idea, if you want it to. The stage show was limited to simple props, like a water-hole drying up represented by a piece of blue fabric being pulled into a hole in the floor. It's inventive, but with animation you can just DRAW THAT, and it will look the way it's supposed to.

So now I see some of the imperfections in the stage show, and some parts where they had to beef up the dialogue to make up for what could not be represented visually. Plus there were some extreme logistical problems with the nature of the puppetry - Timon was much larger on stage than he was in the film, and the puppeteers portraying him and Zazu had to appear on stage next to the characters, and we all just sort of had to pretend that we couldn't see them. (awkward)

Plus the lions and hyenas wore these headpieces, with their human heads poking through what should have been the characters' necks. How is that acceptable? I didn't know whether to look at their human faces or their animal faces. By comparison, it just seems a lot simpler to watch the film.

In other ways, this is a very simple, almost elegant story - there's no Long and Difficult Quest, which is a big relief. Compared to that "Owls of Ga'Hoole" nonsense, understanding the circle of life is a breeze.

However, with that said, I do feel that there's just too much comic relief in this one, and of course it raises the question over whether animals can grasp such concepts as a line of monarchial succession, or even the concept of government in general. The lion's status as the "King of Beasts" - that's a human label, right? Of course we want to anthropomorphize animals for the sake of a story, but I'm left wondering if it's always necessary, or just a frequently used screenwriting crutch.

What would take real cojones would be to write a story from the realistic point of view of an animal, without pandering to a childlike audience, or over-humanizing the characters. I wonder if it's ever been done, or even possible.

Starring the voices of Matthew Broderick (last heard in "Bee Movie"), Jonathan Taylor Thomas, James Earl Jones (last seen in "Clear and Present Danger"), Jeremy Irons (last seen in "The French Lieutenant's Woman"), Moira Kelly, Nathan Lane (last heard in "Teacher's Pet"), Ernie Sabella, Robert Guillaume (last seen in "The Meteor Man"), Rowan Atkinson (last seen in "Johnny English"), Whoopi Goldberg (last heard in "Everyone's Hero" and Cheech Marin (last seen in "From Dusk Till Dawn").

RATING: 6 out of 10 elephant tusks

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole

2012-01-19T00:48:00.001-08:00

Year 4, Day 19 - 1/19/12 - Movie #1,019

BEFORE: Well, there was a rather noticable owl in last night's film, so this worked out rather well. And I swear it's another one of those little coincidences. It's strange how as the list gets smaller, there seem to be more and more links I can make between the films that are left - I'm even passing on some rather notable connections. I don't know how long I can keep my chain going, I'm guessing that by May or June I'll be watching random leftovers, but who knows?

Elisabeth Moss from "Once Upon a Forest" links through "Get Him to the Greek" to co-star Rose Byrne, who appeared in "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones" along with Joel Edgerton, who does a voice in tonight's film.

THE PLOT: When a young owl is abducted by an evil Owl army, he must escape with newfound friends to seek out the legendary Guardians to stop the menace.

AFTER: Last night's film was think with pro-environmental messages, and this one? Well, it comes close to collapsing under the weight of its own mythology - not to mention that convoluted title. There's all kinds of owl stories and legends, referring to battles in the past between warring factions of owls - it all seems rather complicated.

The buy-in tonight is high - you not only have to believe that owls can talk, but that they can forge armor, operate magical items, and form complex hierarchies based on conflicting idealogies. Oh, and all the owls speak with Australian accents. It's a lot to take in - also, they live in a world that's filled with gorgeous ruins, but no people are seen. It looks a bit like Middle Earth if you gave all the elves and orcs the day off.

The central character, Soren, is kidnapped and enslaved, brought to a far-off place where owls are each assigned tasks, and are forced to work at hard labor for the benefit of the leaders, the Pure Ones. Fortunately, he's able to escape and he travels to a far-off place where owls are each assigned jobs, and all work hard together for the benefit of the Guardians. Hey, wait a minute...how is that really better?

I suppose it's all about free will - and the Guardians' tree-colony looks a whole lot nicer than the mountainous cavern that the Pure Ones live in. But other than some very obvious Nazi-like analogies about purity and the killing of the weak, it's rather fuzzy trying to assign labels like good and evil to different factions of birds.

The film's redemption comes in the battle sequences, fantastically choreographed mid-air fights between armored owls. This film's director also made "300" and "Watchmen", so that sort of thing kind of carries over nicely. I almost (but not quite) forgot I was watching owls battling, and just sort of got into the excitement of the battles late in the film.

But it's still rather formulaic, and vastly overblown. I can make connections to a number of other films including "Lord of the Rings" and "Star Wars: Episode 3", but I've already written about how these touchstones, like the long and difficult quest, are fairly universal in fantasy films, and this one is no different. Except it has more owls.

Also starring the voices of Jim Sturgess (last seen in "21"), Hugo Weaving (last seen in "The Wolfman"), Helen Mirren (last seen in "Inkheart"), Geoffrey Rush (last seen in "The Tailor of Panama"), Sam Neill (last seen in "Memoirs of an Invisible Man"), Anthony LaPaglia (last seen in "Mixed Nuts"), and Richard Roxburgh (last seen in "Mission: Impossible II")

RATING: 4 out of 10 mouse pellets

Once Upon a Forest

2012-01-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 18 - 1/18/12 - Movie #1,018

BEFORE: No more bug-based films, so I'm opening up the topic to include all manner of woodland and jungle creatures. Should keep me busy for the next two weeks. I've got February's movies blocked out on paper, but I can change things around a bit if need be.

This film is basically rodent-based, so maybe I should have watched it right after "Stuart Little 2". Oh, well, what's done is done. Linking from "A Bug's Life", David Hyde Pierce did a voice in the film "Hellboy", which starred Ron Perlman, who was also in "The Last Supper" with Elisabeth Moss, who voiced a character in this 1993 animated film (she was 11 at the time).

THE PLOT: A young mouse, mole and hedgehog risk their lives to find a cure for their badger friend, who's been poisoned by men.

AFTER: Hmm, as in last night's film, a plot point concerns animals impossibly building an airplane-like device. That's an odd coincidence. Why don't the goofs on the IMDB page ever say things like, "Three forest animals without opposable thumbs simply cannot construct a working flying machine." Or, for that matter, why don't they include the fact that forest animals can't talk, and don't wear cute clothing?

Three overly-cute and well-dressed animals have to go on a (say it with me, now) long and difficult quest to get the herbs needed to cure their friend, who inhaled some gas fumes after a tanker truck crashed. And the tanker truck crashed because it ran over a broken bottle, which was thrown out of a car window by a litterer. Yes, the humans are the villains here, no matter how you slice it, with their roads, and their tanker trucks and their construction equipment.

This is high eco-claptrap from the Hanna-Barbera studios - I'm sorry, I love animals, but I refuse to feel guilty over the Industrial Revolution. I didn't invent the combustion engine or coal-mining, or carbon monoxide. Should we all just stop driving our cars and shut down the generators and live in the woods like bushmen? Ain't gonna happen, you can't unring that bell.

However, looking at the films coming up on the schedule, it looks like I'll be seeing a lot more of this sort of eco-friendly evil-human thing in the days to come. Well, at least this film was short (71 minutes) and didn't take up too much of my time.

The high point in this film for me was the song "Please Wake Up", as sung by Michael Crawford, voicing an older badger. The symbolic references to morning and night made it feel like a lost song from "Phantom of the Opera", especially the way he sings it.

Also starring the voice of Ben Vereen (last seen in "All That Jazz").

RATING: 3 out of 10 acorns

A Bug's Life

2012-01-16T23:59:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 17 - 1/17/12 - Movie #1,017

BEFORE: This is another one of those cases where there were two similar films released in the same year, like "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon". It happens with animated features too, like "Madagascar" and "The Wild", or "Happy Feet" and "Surf's Up". There are only so many animals, after all - I picture some kind of chart in the offices of Pixar and Dreamworks, where the animals used in high-profile releases are crossed off. And I wonder what kind of corporate espionage goes on between the studios, with one trying to scoop the other. Anyway, this film was released the same year as "Antz", and I made a choice - it only took me 13 years to see the other film.

I could link from "Bee Movie" to this via the Jerry Seinfeld connection to Julia Louis-Dreyfus, but that's through a TV show, and it feels like cheating. How about - John Goodman was in "The Big Lebowski" with Steve Buscemi, who was in "Double Whammy" with Denis Leary? Yeah, that'll work.

THE PLOT: A misfit ant, looking for "warriors" to save his colony from greedy grasshoppers, recruits a group of bugs that turn out to be an inept circus troupe.

AFTER: I've lost most of my objectivity after watching so many kiddie films - they're all starting to feel like they hit the same plot points. (How do you parents do it? You learn to tune things out, right?) Neurotic bug, doesn't fit in, looking for his place in the colony (same as in "Bee Movie"), the colony is terrorized by larger, bullying bugs (same as in "The Ant Bully"), and one character has to go on a long-distance quest to find help (same as, umm, every movie?).

All right, I'll admit there's some fresh stuff here. Having an ant who's also an inventor is pretty, well, inventive. And the circus performers being mistaken for warriors, that's original. Having lots of different bug species, each with their own personality, goes a long way toward keeping things fresh.

But there's just as much stuff that seems cobbled together from other movies. The grasshoppers terrorizing the colony - the situation seems straight out of a Western like "High Plains Drifter" or "The Magnificent Seven", or one of those biker films like "The Wild One". The fact that kids wouldn't know about those films definitely works in Disney's favor, though.

Combining that with a very un-possible solution to the grasshopper problem, and I'm thinking the positives and the negatives balance out on this one, so it's a wash. But I also penalize for the phony bloopers at the end (we all know CGI films don't have outtakes, right?) and the unnecessary list of "production babies" - the audience just doesn't care if crew members had kids during production. I know I sure don't.

Starring the voices of Dave Foley (last seen in "3 Men and a Baby"), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (last seen in "Christmas Vacation"), Kevin Spacey (last seen in "A Time to Kill"), Phyllis Diller, David Hyde Pierce (last seen in "Wolf"), Richard Kind (last heard in "Garfield"), Denis Leary (last heard in "Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs"), Madeline Kahn (last seen in "Mixed Nuts"), Bonnie Hunt (last seen in "Jumanji"), John Ratzenberger, Brad Garrett (last seen in "Stuart Little 2"), and Hayden Panettiere (last seen in "Remember the Titans").

RATING: 5 out of 10 matchsticks

Bee Movie

2012-01-16T00:16:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 16 - 1/16/12 - Movie #1,016

BEFORE: As I said last night, I don't care much for bees. Or honey, which is really bee spit. Never really saw the attraction. I got stung by a bee on my tongue once, when I was very young - it was sitting on my ham sandwich at a picnic, and no one had given me the memo about how bees were no good to eat, I guess. I spent the rest of my childhood trying to avoid them, mostly successfully.

Last night's film was produced by Tom Hanks, and tonight's film was produced by Jerry Seinfeld, making his first appearance in my countdown. The voice of Larry Miller carries over from "The Ant Bully", though.

THE PLOT: On a special trip outside the hive, a bee's life is saved by Vanessa, a florist. As their relationship blossoms, he discovers humans actually eat honey, and subsequently decides to sue us.

AFTER: As in "The Ant Bully", there's a number of great animated sequences here, taking advantage of the bug's size and P.O.V. Flying around, evading traffic, bouncing on a tennis ball - some very inventive visual stuff. To me this is what people should be doing with CGI, using it to look at life from otherwise unfilmable perspectives, not just creating fantastic other worlds like "Avatar" - but taking a look at our own world from other angles.

Lots of cleverly written stuff, too - some definitely have Seinfeld's take on the little eccentricities of human life. Since the main character is a bee and knows nothing about human society, it leads to a lot of questions. Why do some people prefer artificial sweeteners? Why do people list strange skills like "eating with chopsticks" on their resumés? What's up with balloon bouquets?

And most notably, what's life like inside a hive? (Hint: it looks a lot like it does in those Honey Nut Cheerios ads) Yes, it's a giant factory, and each bee has a job to do. From pollen collecting to cleaning up, each bee is a assigned a job, and will work that job until he dies. Which apparently isn't that long.

But Barry B. Benson (Seinfeld's voice) is more than a mindless drone, he wants to get out and see some of the world before he starts work, and so he starts up a conversation with a human, in violation of bee law. (As we know, all animals can speak English, they're all just careful not to do it around people.) And he gets to the bottom of the honey industry's dirty little secret. No, not that honey is bee spit, the other one.

If the hive is a factory, then the honey farm's artificial bee enclosure is more like a concentration camp - where the enslaved bees are not allowed to keep any of the fruits of their labors. Geez, did PETA bankroll this film? Because if you follow the logic, then what about fish farms, and chicken ranches? And cows and pigs? No, no, that way madness lies...

Barry's lawsuit against the honey farms has unexpected consequences - as you might expect. And he's got to rally the bees together to make things right again, as you might also expect. The ending gets a little fantastical (call Mythbusters - is that even possible? I doubt it.) so I've got to call shenanigans. Also, is all pollen chemically the same, or are there different kinds? I should look that up.

I did enjoy the in-jokes, especially the homage to "The Graduate", with Barry floating on a raft in a pool of honey, and his parents talking to him about his future. But the cameo by Sting was a non-starter.

Hey, they never found out why the number of honeybees in America was declining a few years back, right around the time this movie was released in fact. I just looked up "colony collapse disorder" on the Wikipedia, and it just highlights how much we don't really know about bees and how they work. I reluctantly acknowledge that if the bees all disappear, we humans are going to be in quite a bit of trouble, with no pollinated plants.

Also starring the voices of Renee Zellweger (last seen in "Chicago"), Matthew Broderick (last seen in "Family Business"), John Goodman (last seen in "King Ralph"), Kathy Bates (last seen in "Valentine's Day"), and Patrick Warburton (last heard in "The Emperor's New Groove 2"). Vocal cameos from Chris Rock (last seen in "Head of State"), Oprah Winfrey, Larry King, Ray Liotta (last seen in "John Q"), Rip Torn and Megan Mullally (last heard in "Teacher's Pet").

RATING: 7 out of 10 crash helmets

The Ant Bully

2012-01-14T23:15:00.001-08:00

Year 4, Day 15 - 1/15/12 - Movie #1,015

BEFORE: That was the last dog-based film, and I'm at one of those diverging paths again - with all the mad scientist stuff in "Teacher's Pet", it's tempting to switch gears and watch films like "Despicable Me" and "Igor" - but I think I'd rather stay on the talking animal path, since I'm only about half done, and make a switch from dogs to bugs. The connecting thread is that last night's film had a dog becoming a man, and tonight's film has a boy turning into an ant, or at least becoming ant-sized.

Another connection is that Nathan Lane from "Teacher's Pet" also voiced a character in "Astro Boy", and so did Nicolas Cage (last seen in "Knowing"), who also is heard in "The Ant Bully". I got lucky with that one - I suppose I should have looked at the cast lists in advance to make linking easier.

THE PLOT: After Lucas Nickle floods an ant colony with his watergun, he's magically shrunken down to insect size and sentenced to hard labor in the ruins.

AFTER: Well, I'd seen "Antz", but this is a whole different deal. This has more in common with "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids", but there's just one kid, and the shrinking is due to insect magic, not some wacko scientific ray (like THAT'S believable...). The ants call Lucas "The Destroyer" because of his penchant for torturing them with his water pistol (what, no magnifying glass?). To be fair, Lucas is being bullied by bigger kids and he takes it out on the ants - do you want to bet he learns some kind of empathy from being shrunk down to ant size?

That's right, the message here is quite predictable, do unto others and all that, and I can get behind it to a degree. We can only imagine what a person looks like to a bug, assuming they can comprehend us at all, especially when the last thing they see is a giant hand coming to squash them. There really is no equivalent for humans, unless you count the threat of a giant asteroid hitting the Earth, with no way for us to stop it.

(ASIDE: Jeez, do bugs treat microbes the same way we treat bugs? And what if our whole solar system is just a molecule of dirt in the toenail of some enormous giant that WE can't comprehend? What happens to us when he (gulp) clips his toenail? It's maddening! End of aside.)

I admit it, I'm guilty of killing bugs. I'd like to think I'd never kill a person, or any mammal, especially a cute one, unless it was him or me, or unless I was about to starve. Man, that's really non-committal, isn't it? But bugs and spiders are fair game, right? Especially ones that come into my house. Hey, everybody draws that line somewhere. I'll pulverize an ant or mosquito without a second thought - wrong place, wrong time, little guy - but with bees and wasps, I'd rather just avoid them.

But is this what it's come to? A movie telling kids not to kill bugs? Does this mean the pussy-fication of our society is now complete? Isn't it enough we've got kids recycling, and cleaning up parks, and doing fun-runs for charity? I sort of wish more focus had been put on the anti-bullying message here, because let's prioritize and get kids to be humane to each other first, then maybe we can think about the way they treat bugs. As it is, I think kids will just come away with the idea that ants are kinda cool, and exterminators are mass-murderers.

Yes, the villain of the piece is the exterminator, who really should be portrayed as an unsung hero. But here he's a giant (to the ants, that is) who takes delight in gassing wave after wave of insects - I doubt that most exterminators enjoy the killing aspect (which might be a sign of a troubled individual) - from watching "Dirty Jobs" I believe that most of them just look at it as part of the job. They really shouldn't be regarded as the Adolf Hitlers or Pol Pots of insects.

Also starring the voices of Julia Roberts (last seen in "Michael Collins"), Meryl Streep (last seen in "Sophie's Choice"), Paul Giamatti (last seen in "Duplicity"), Lily Tomlin (last seen in "9 to 5"), Bruce Campbell (last seen in "The Hudsucker Proxy"), Ricardo Montalban, Cheri Oteri, Larry Miller (last seen in "Valentine's Day"), and Alison Mack.

RATING: 5 out of 10 jelly beans

Teacher's Pet

2012-01-13T23:19:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 14 - 1/14/12 - Movie #1,014

BEFORE: I never saw the animated series this movie is based on, but that didn't stop me from watching the "Jimmy Neutron" movie...from what I understand, it's about a dog who wants to be a boy and disguises himself as one, so he can attend school. Kind of like "Pinocchio", mixed with bits of "Boys Don't Cry".

Oh, and Malcolm Macdowell from "Bolt" was in "I Spy" with Famke Janssen, who was in "X-Men: The Last Stand" with Kelsey Grammer, who voices a character tonight. Hah, I still got it!

THE PLOT: Spot wants nothing more than to be a real boy, and sees a way to do this when a scientist appears on TV, claiming he can turn animals into humans.

AFTER: There's a bit of the now-expected long-distance quest here, since the scientist in question lives in Florida, and the dog must travel there, disguised as a boy named Scott, in hopes of becoming a real boy. It seems like Spot masquerades as Scott, and the teacher doesn't recognize him, even though he's her son's dog.

Putting aside the fact that the dog can talk, which I should be fairly used to by now - it's even more of a stretch to think that a dog could just dress up like a boy and pass. That would be one ugly kid - or perhaps one very cute dog. Credit the power of animation, since the dog is drawn in such a way that some glasses and clothing complete the illusion. Oh, and also credit the gullibility of the teacher, and the very nature of the premise.

Remember that part of "Back to the Future" when Marty McFly goes out on a date with his own mom? Well, here Spot gets turned into a man, and goes on a date with his owner's mother (again, she's also his teacher, and kind of like his own mom, too) - so after some species re-assignment, we've got hints of incest AND bestiality! Not really, it is a Disney film after all.

But the confusion leads to (what else) a musical number, with 7 or so characters chiming in, for a song that rivals "Blame Canada" in its complexity. There are some interesting ideas here about the nature of dogness, but it doesn't add up to much more than folly. Nice songs though.

Starring the voices of Nathan Lane (last heard in "Stuart Little 2"), Kelsey Grammer (last seen in "Fame"), Debra Jo Rupp (last heard in "Garfield"), Jerry Stiller (last seen in "Zoolander"), David Ogden Stiers (last seen in "The Man with One Red Shoe"), Paul Reubens (last seen in "Blow"), Megan Mullally (last seen in "Stealing Harvard"), Estelle Harris, and Jay Thomas (as a very Jerry Springer-like talk-show host named Barry Anger). Wallace Shawn (last heard in "All Dogs Go to Heaven 2" turns up again - who knew he did so much work in animation?

RATING: 4 out of 10 motor homes (Winnewagos - ooh, so close to trademark infringement!)

Bolt

2012-01-12T23:22:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 13 - 1/13/12 - Movie #1,013

BEFORE: By now, it's become pretty standard for these animated talking-animal films - some form of long distance quest. Of 13 films watched so far in this chain, nearly all feature some kind of trek or distance-oriented goal, except for "Marmaduke" and "Marley & Me". It's like these screenwriters don't know what to do with the characters except get them lost and make them find their way home - or send them off looking for some unobtainable object. Seems like a bit of a crutch, actually.

Still, you do hear from time to time about a cat or dog that gets separated from its owners, and makes its way across the country, hundreds of miles to reunite with them. I'm not sure exactly how it happens - look-alike pets, help from humans - but I suspect there's more to the story than we realize. I doubt that little Fido hops on a Trailways bus and navigates his way back to Denver. It's like a magic trick that I haven't quite figured out yet.

Linking from last night, Bebe Neuwirth from "All Dogs 2" was also in "Green Card" with Andie MacDowell, who was also in "Michael" with John Travolta.

THE PLOT: The canine star of a fictional sci-fi/action show that believes his powers are real embarks on a cross country trek to save his co-star from a threat he believes is just as real.

AFTER: OK, so Bolt gets lost (duh...) but there is a twist - the dog believes he's an action hero, because he plays one on TV. That would seem to make sense, since he's got a little doggie brain, and he's been kept inside the wonderland of Hollywood, so he's been in his own little "Truman Show" or "Matrix" reality. It leads one to wonder just how much Lassie or Rin Tin Tin understood about acting - were they conscious they were playing heroic figures, or were they just reacting to their environments, according to how they were trained?

BUT (and you just knew there would be a "BUT", right?) it seems like the director of this TV shows goes to great lengths to make the dog THINK all the action and espionage is real, because he then gets a more genuine performance out of the dog. Umm, he realizes it's a dog, right? He's spending millions of the network's dollars to fool a dog. Seems like a stretch, even for Hollywood.

So they do extravagant action sequences in long takes, with multiple cameras, and no reshoots. Again, to fool a dog. I don't even have to be in the business to know that's not how movies and TV shows get made. Everyone knows action sequences are made of lots of little shots, dozens of retakes, and half the effects get added later in post-production anyway. Come ON!

That said, some of the action scenes are the best I've seen in a long while, in any film, live-action or animated. So clearly someone spent a lot of money to fool me, and the rest of the audience.

And there are some bits here about the downside of fame, especially for child actors (and, by extension, animals) which is a point I was trying to make the other night with regards to the little girl from "All Dogs Go to Heaven". So, regular people want to be famous, and famous people just want to be regular folks (or regular dogs). That sounds about right.

Starring the voices of John Travolta (last seen in "The Taking of Pelham 123"), Miley Cyrus, Susie Essman (last seen in "Cop Out"), Malcolm McDowell (last seen in "I Spy"), Greg Germann (last seen in "Down to Earth"), James Lipton (!), with cameos from Diedrich Bader (last heard in "Surf's Up") and Randy Savage.

RATING: 6 out of 10 trailer parks

All Dogs Go to Heaven 2

2012-01-11T23:14:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 12 - 1/12/12 - Movie #1,012

BEFORE: No Burt Reynolds, no Don Bluth affiliated with this sequel.

Lingering nitpick points from last night's film, though - like if heaven is so perfect, how come a couple of dogs are able to game the system? Why have such an obvious device (a ticking watch) that a dog can wind so easily to gain more time? For that matter, how do obviously malicious dogs get into heaven, anyway? Just 'cause they're dogs? Then why have any kind of merit-based system to reward good behavior? Doggie hell clearly exists, but then what purpose does it serve?

THE PLOT: Charlie and Itchy return to Earth to find Gabriel's Horn, but along the way meet up with a young boy named David, who ran away from home.

AFTER: OK, so heaven's not perfect, or maybe it's too perfect, since it's portrayed as boring. Makes some sense, since sinning is what makes life so interesting, right? I guess they can't portray heaven as the best possible place, or all the kids in the audience will want to go there.

So Charlie volunteers to go back to earth after the lost horn, but what he really wants is some doggie action. Eternity turns out to be a bit too long for him, I guess. (However, in the last film we learned that once you leave doggie heaven, you can't come back - so, which is it?)

Yes, the rules are just a bit unclear. Just like with all religion. But Charlie means well, even if he does get seduced by the (very feline) devil. Something the writers of "Spider-Man" comics forgot - making a deal with the devil is a very bad thing to do, and should have dire consequences. Still waiting, Mr. Quesada.

As a result, the end sequence of this film is quite surreal, with the cat-like devil sucking souls out of doggie heaven to populate doggie hell. (See, this is why you don't make a deal with him...) But of course there's always a way to turn his magic against him.

I'm giving this film a slight edge over the original because the quest was a little better defined, and the songs were better - some even had a Steinman-like irony too them, like "It's Too Heavenly Here" and "It Feels So Good to Be Bad". Still, it was a little weird to hear the voice of Charlie Sheen (last seen in "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps") talking about concepts of sin and redemption, given the events of the past year.

Also starring the voices of Dom Deluise (carrying over from last night), Sheena Easton, Ernest Borgnine (last seen in "The Dirty Dozen: The Fatal Mission"), George Hearn (last seen in "The Devil's Own") and Wallace Shawn again (last heard in "Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore").

RATING: 4 out of 10 chicken bones

All Dogs Go to Heaven

2012-01-11T00:26:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 11 - 1/11/12 - Movie #1,011

BEFORE: This animated film came out in 1989, at the time I was busy trying to graduate from college, and I didn't have much time for watching movies. I missed a year or two of TV for the same reason. And while I studied a bit of animation in school, I didn't know at the time I'd end up working in that field - so I wasn't really paying attention to the kiddie films being released at the time.

THE PLOT: A dog returns from the dead looking for revenge on his killer using an orphan girl who can talk to animals.

AFTER: This was directed by Don Bluth, who used to be a Disney animator, but got frustrated with the House of Mouse in the early 80's (didn't we all?) so he struck out on his own. While I admire the intent, he might have peaked with "An American Tail" in 1986 - though some would say he peaked with "Anastasia" in 1997, and still others would say he peaked with the "Dragon's Lair" video game. Discuss.

I wasn't really overwhelmed by this one, it rambles a little bit with its depictions of the stray dog underworld, complete with rat races and meat slot machines. It's an attempt to make the stray lifestyle seem appealing, in a "Lady and the Tramp" kind of way, but doesn't really pay off. Mix in bits of "Heaven Can Wait" with a dash of "The Sting", and...well, it still doesn't help that much.

Charlie is a dog con man, which is a great idea for a character - and he's got a soft side, helping out orphaned pups when he has the time. But he's still motivated by money (a bit odd for a dog...) and by revenge. I'm sort of wondering whether this was a screenplay for human characters that got shoehorned into a kiddie film.

Charlie rescues a little orphaned girl who can speak to animals, who was being used by a dog to handicap rat races (I guess cats can't speak to mice?). I read the biography of the young actress who voiced the little girl, and wow, it's pretty depressing. She was a cute kid who had TV roles on shows like "The Fall Guy" and "Trapper John, M.D.", but had an abusive father and, well, it didn't end well for her. Let's hope all child actors go to heaven.

I'm not going to use this space to debate the existence of heaven or the merits of religion, that's a topic for another day. It's used here as a story device, so it serves a purpose. Again, the buy-in is high tonight, you've got to believe that dogs can talk, gamble, and sing - and can con their way into (and back out of) heaven. Make of that what you will.

Oh, and Jennifer Aniston from "Marley & Me" was in "Rock Star" with Mark Wahlberg, who was in "Boogie Nights" with Burt Reynolds.

Starring the voices of Burt Reynolds (last seen in "City Heat"), Dom Deluise (last heard in "The Secret of NIMH 2", also directed by Bluth), Charles Nelson Reilly (last heard in "Tom & Jerry in Shiver Me Whiskers) and Loni Anderson (last seen in "A Night at the Roxbury").

RATING: 3 out of 10 junkyard cars

Marley & Me

2012-01-10T00:13:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 10 - 1/10/12 - Movie #1,010

BEFORE: My wife read the book, and I read enough reviews of the books to know about Marley's story, but that still didn't stop me from yelling at a woman on the subway about a year ago, after she discussed the end of the film out loud. I mean, who DOES that? The subway, an elevator, plane trips - these are supposed to be spoiler free zones. It made me want to follow this woman around and find out what movies she hadn't seen yet, and ruin the endings of those films for her.

THE PLOT: A family learns important life lessons from their adorable but naughty and neurotic dog.

AFTER: An endearing film, yes, but also quite subversive in its own way. There's no 6-act Hollywood structure, and the plot point are similar to those we all might encounter in everyday life. Getting married, getting a pet, going on job interviews, having children - well, that last one I tend to leave to other people, but you get the idea.

Really, it's a film about a guy who lands a newspaper column, and chooses to write about his everyday experiences on a daily basis. I can get behind that. And owning a pet is mostly universal, but owning an untrainable pet turned out to be something really entertaining. For the reading public, probably not for Marley's owners.

We happen to have an untrainable cat - she races through the house at top speed, then howls at the top of her lungs. She hisses at cats in the yard and "talks" to birds (probably about how much she wants to eat them). She protests whenever my wife gets into "her" bed, and has been known to attack my wife's foot when she's sleeping. And if you touch her belly or hold her upside-down, well, then I can't be held responsible. It was nice knowing you, really.

But of course I was thinking of Merlin during the last half-hour of this film, and I was crying like a baby, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I think a lot of pet owners know this pain, and if you don't feel something while watching this, then you must be dead inside.

There were no flashy special effects, no dance numbers, no international intrigue, but sometimes you can gain great insight into life by examining little on-screen moments, and that's what I think happened here. Just a dog and a family? How can that be "just" anything? Some might say there's no point here, but I disagree, even if I can't verbalize it just now.

Owen Wilson carries over from being the voice of Marmaduke, which reminds me that I've fallen behind on linking between the films, I've just been linking with the cats and dogs. Maybe I'll get back to that, maybe not.

Also starring Jennifer Aniston (last seen in "The Break-Up"), Alan Arkin (last seen in "Sunshine Cleaning"), Eric Dane (last seen in "Valentine's Day"), with a cameo from Kathleen Turner (last seen in "The War of the Roses").

RATING: 7 out of 10 thunderstorms

UPDATE: I was home today with a cold - for once I decided not to share it with co-workers. While napping I had a dream where we were moving to a new house, packing up all of our stuff, unpacking, figuring out where furniture was going to go. You know, a nightmare. I blame this film.

Upon further reflection, and your mileage may vary, the film works as both a re-confirmation of my life choices, and a sad commentary on the American Dream. Here's how I see it - guy works as a freelance newspaper columnist, gets married, gets a dog, and life is good for these 2 DINKS (double income, no kids). OK, so maybe they have to spend a few bucks on replacement furniture that the dog chews up, but so what? Who has time to train a dog, when their careers are both going so well?

Then baby #1 comes along, and things take a turn. Now Mom's got to quit and stay home with the baby, which means less money, or they've got to hire help, which means less money. See, you can't win that way. Another kid comes along, and Dad's got to keep asking for bigger jobs or more work, to keep buying bigger houses that they can't afford. Wasn't this what caused the U.S. economy to crash a couple years ago? Plus, they're fighting all the time.

Remember when it was just the two of you and the dog, in that little seaside condo? You were HAPPY, and you blew it, because society says you've got to procreate. You got unconditional love from your dog with a minimum of effort, you could go on vacation, buy nice jewelry, but all that's over now.

Kids, dogs, cats - you go ahead and do what you want, but I'm just sayin'.

Marmaduke

2012-01-08T23:58:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 9 - 1/9/12 - Movie #1,009

BEFORE: So, I'm done with the cat-based films, except for ones about lions, and I'll get to those in a bit. Transitioning to dog-centric films for the next week. There are a lot more animated animals to come, so if you're not digging the blog, please check back in February.

In other news, we were able to feed and bond with the stray kitty in the backyard yesterday. She looks a little plump so she might be pregnant, which means we should probably try and catch her to deal with this situation, before we're awash in kittens. Also, I got the TCM channel back somehow, which is good news for my movie-watching experience, but bad news for the size of my list.

We also watched part of the Giants game while we were out at brunch, and I played that game where I figure out which actor (Jon Hamm, Robert Downey Jr.) is narrating each car commercial. I play the same game with these animated films, to see how many actors' voices I can identify before checking the IMDB. I only got 3 tonight. Maybe I missed my calling, and I should have become a casting agent for voiceover work.

THE PLOT: A suburban family moves to a new neighborhood with their large yet lovable Great Dane, who has a tendency to wreak havoc in his own oblivious way.

AFTER: This is good and simple - no spies, no pirates, no magic rings. Just a dog moving with his family to California, and trying to fit in. Oh, cats and dogs still talk and understand each other, but at least tonight the humans can't hear the dogs talk - because that would not make any sense.

I liked the attempts to get inside a dog's brain, to explain what he might be thinking when he acts up, or barks at someone, or interacts with other dogs at the park. But of course, the movie falls back on human terms to explain these things. And Marmaduke breaks the fourth wall during the first segment, to bring us all up to speed on the family. Furthermore, all of Marmaduke's misbehavior is usually attributed to something else, like a bee on his nose. So he's NEVER a bad dog, because you can't have a bad dog as the central character. Even when his family thinks he trashed the house, it's really because he had his doggie friends over for a wild party. Yeah, none of the other 47 dog owners noticed that their dogs were missing during the night...

There's some message-based material in the film, like about standing up to bullies, and not pretending to be someone who you're not. Oh, and not forgetting your friends when you become famous. And all that's just from Marmaduke's experiences. Meanwhile his owner is learning how to stand up to his boss, how to deal with a "misbehaving" pet, and how to listen to what his children are saying. Geez, there are probably too many messages in the film. Maybe they should have picked just one or two and focused a little.

Still, it's all relatively enjoyable and non-offensive, unless you can't stand dogs farting. Or if you've watched a bunch of talking animal films in a row and you can't help but wonder what it's doing to your brain. By the end of this chain I'll probably think it's weird when the dogs and cats in the real world don't talk to me.

Starring Lee Pace (last seen in "The Good Shepherd"), William H. Macy (last heard in "The Tale of Despereaux"), and the voices of Owen Wilson (last seen in "Behind Enemy Lines"), Keifer Sutherland (last heard in "Phone Booth"), Emma Stone (last seen in "The House Bunny"), Fergie (last seen in "Nine"), George Lopez (last seen in "Valentine's Day"), Steve Coogan, Marlon Wayans and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (last heard in "How to Train Your Dragon"). Oh, and I spotted Jack McGee as the voice of the Dalmatian (inside joke, since he played a fire captain on "Rescue Me") so make that 4.

RATING: 6 out of 10 surfboards

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

2012-01-08T09:30:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 8 - 1/8/12 - Movie #1,008

BEFORE: The cable guy came today, and was able to install a new piece of cable to replace the one that was going out through the back door (which was a fix for a part of cable damaged by a snowstorm 2 years ago) but was unable to fix my missing channels, IFC and TCM. Turns out the whole neighborhood is missing those channels, and they haven't been able to find where the problem is. This puts my viewing of the "31 Days of Oscar" programming in jeopardy.

Hmmm, they waited 9 years to make a sequel to "Cats & Dogs", which is an eternity in Hollywood years. If your audience is kids, those kids will be teenagers if you wait too long to put out a sequel. That's not really an encouraging sign.

THE PLOT: The ongoing war between the canine and feline species is put on hold when they join forces to thwart a rogue cat spy with her own sinister plans for conquest.

AFTER: They may have replaced some of the voice actors from the original (Tobey Maguire and Alec Baldwin are out), but they managed to keep some of the same characters - that's the advantage of working with beagles, you can just get another one that looks almost identical.

I enjoyed this one a little more than the first film, mostly because they took a definite turn towards parodying the James Bond films - not just in the watered-down title, but also by casting Roger Moore as the voice of the lead cat spy (with the name "Lazenby", nice touch) and adding an opening credits sequence that's very reminiscent of films like "Goldfinger" and "For Your Eyes Only", with silhouettes of cats and dogs (instead of hot babes), floating dog biscuits, and a very Shirley Bassey-like singer covering a Black Eyed Peas song. Wait, according to IMDB, that actually WAS Shirley Bassey. Wow.

The plot is still ridiculous, though - a cat has a plan to broadcast a high-pitched signal that will drive all dogs mad, so humans will be forced to cage them, and cats can take their place as human's main pets. And the idea that the cats would team up with the dogs to stop this plan is more than a little tenuous.

But it works as a parody of all spy films and action films in general, with tropes like the grizzled rookie teaming up with the hot-headed rookie, with pigeons (stool pigeons?) as informants and all this impossible high-tech gear. But making cats and dogs fly with jet-packs? Well, just because you CAN doesn't mean that you SHOULD.

Starring Chris O'Donnell (last seen in "Kinsey"), and the voices of James Marsden (last seen in "Superman Returns"), Nick Nolte (last seen in "Mother Night"), Christina Applegate (last heard in "Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel"), Bette Midler (last seen in "The First Wives Club"), Neil Patrick Harris (last seen in "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay"), Wallace Shawn (last heard in "Tom & Jerry: Shiver Me Whiskers"), Sean Hayes (carrying over from "Cats & Dogs"), Joe Pantoliano (ditto), Michael Clarke Duncan (ditto), and live cameos from Jack McBrayer (last seen in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall") and Fred Armisen (last seen in "Cop Out").

RATING: 5 out of 10 grappling hooks

Cats & Dogs

2012-01-07T00:11:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 7 - 1/7/12 - Movie #1,007

BEFORE: Still working my way through the talking-pet genre. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to watch a lot of commercials during the day that also featured talking animals in them. I suppose it's only natural to want to humanize animals, to think that they can think like us, but it's a seductive and incorrect line of reasoning. I've spent enough time with cats to know that most of the time there's not a lot going on upstairs - we've got a cat who's fascinated with running water lately.

THE PLOT: A look at the top-secret, high-tech espionage war going on between cats and dogs, which their human owners are blissfully unaware of.

AFTER: This is a high-concept piece, and the buy-in is pretty high. I'll agree that the relationship between man and dogs has been around for thousands of years, but this movie also states that cats once enslaved humans, and made them build the Pyramids. Right...

Plus, cats and dogs can talk, and humans can hear and understand them, only they're careful not to talk when humans can see them. Right... And I suppose the toys get up and move around when the kids aren't in the room.

On top of all that, the dogs have a spy-like headquarters, where they train field agents to fight the cats, and vice versa. I suppose the cats are more like the villains in this scenario - imagine that white cat that Blofeld's always petting in the James Bond films, only the CAT is the mastermind, with unlimited resources and an evil plan.

It seems that a scientist is close to a cure for pet allergies, and the dogs want to make sure he succeeds. The cats, however, want to reverse the cure, and make all humans allergic to dogs, so they can take over. Or something like that, the details are fuzzier than the cats themselves.

My basement cat, who sometimes watches films with me, gave this one high marks. He seemed very interested in the lifelike cats, and the barking of the dogs. But I don't think he was really judging the film on the merits of the plot.

As usual, too much slapstick for my taste, but this did come off more like a legitimate action film than a high-concept comedy.

Starring Jeff Goldblum (last seen in "The Fly"), Elizabeth Perkins (last seen in "Miracle on 34th St."), and the voices of Tobey Maguire (last seen in "The Cider House Rules"), Alec Baldwin (last seen in "It's Complicated"), Joe Pantoliano (last seen in "Bad Boys"), Michael Clarke Duncan (last seen in "The Slammin' Salmon"), Sean Hayes (last seen in "Soul Men"), Jon Lovitz (last seen in "My Stepmother Is an Alien"), and Charlton Heston (last seen in "Soylent Green").

RATING: 4 out of 10 ninjas

Tom and Jerry in Shiver Me Whiskers

2012-01-06T01:12:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 6 - 1/6/12 - Movie #1,006

BEFORE: It's worth getting in a plug for Turner Classic Movies here, since I just saw their schedule for this year's "31 Days of Oscar" programming, beginning on Feb. 1. Last year's programming was simple genius, with each film linked by a common actor to the film before it AND the film after it. (And to show they were in on the joke, the chain began AND ended with a Kevin Bacon film.) They're still finding new ways to organize the same old films, so I have to give it up to them - this year the 300 Oscar-worthy films are organized by LOCATION - films set in New York, say, will screen on Feb. 11 + 12, and some of the other 46 locations include Greece, the U.K., Austria, Mexico, India, Italy, the Caribbean - and the program wraps up on Feb. 2 with a screening of "Around the World in 80 Days", followed by films set in heaven and outer space.

I'm all set to record a solid 25 films, 18 of which will probably make it to the list, assuming I can get the cable box fixed this weekend so TCM comes in again. I mention this in connection with tonight's pirate-based film since I'm planning to pick up the Errol Flynn films "The Sea Hawk" and "Captain Blood", along with 2 versions of "Mutiny on the Bounty". You can probably find a few dozen films on the list that are must-sees - for me that will likely include "Gandhi", "A Passage to India", "A Room With a View", "All the King's Men", "In the Heat of the Night", "Gone With the Wind", "Kiss of the Spider Woman", "East of Eden", "The Grapes of Wrath", "Inside Daisy Clover", and "A Star Is Born" (1954).

It's encouraging that I've now seen over 50 of the 300 films on their slate, but it also highlights how much further I've got to go.

THE PLOT: (there's a plot?) Oh, yeah, Tom and Jerry find a treasure map.

AFTER: The release date, 2006, tells the tale. Factor in the time needed to develop and animate an hour-long film, and it's clear this was made to cash in on the success of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise.

But it's essentially nonsense. Yes, even in the cartoon universe there are rules, mostly about when and how often a character can fall down or get blown up, but they're good rules. There's so much stuff here about which pirates only say "Yar!" and which ones have their parrots translate for them, this guy wears a red suit and this guy wears a blue suit (but they're identical cousins, or something) and it's all just so meaningless. It's like blank verse or poetry that doesn't quite rhyme. Or imagine a pirate film whose only frame of reference is other pirate films, just borrowing the trappings and artifices of those stories, while forgetting to tell its OWN story. It would be like a murder mystery that forgets to tell you who did it...

It's a 74-minute film, and I couldn't manage to stay awake. True, I did run out of Mountain Dew, but still, that should tell you something. Who got the treasure? Who cares? Does it even matter?

I could follow this film up with any of several pirate films on the list, like "Cutthroat Island" or "Muppet Treasure Island", but since I'm waiting on those Errol Flynn films, as well as "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides", to air - I'll continue with the cats + dogs for now. But the films have to get better than this, they just have to.

Starring the voices of Mark Hamill (last heard in "Futurama: Bender's Big Score"), Kathy Najimy (last heard in "Wall-E"), Wallace Shawn (last seen in "All That Jazz"), and Charles Nelson Reilly (in his last role, voicing a parrot).

RATING: 2 out of 10 monkeys

Tom and Jerry: The Magic Ring

2012-01-05T00:27:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 5 - 1/5/12 - Movie #1,005

BEFORE: Last night's film had a cat and a mouse working together, but let's get back to the classic cartoons, where they're mortal enemies (I think). Last night's film also had the theft of a ring as a plot point, so that worked out rather well.

THE PLOT: Tom is left in charge of a priceless magical ring by his young wizard master. He is then horrified when the ring gets stuck on Jerry's head, who then runs off into the city.

AFTER: Ah, I remember the classic Tom & Jerry cartoons from the 50's, which I enjoyed on TV throughout the 70's. I always noticed, though, when they dropped in one of the newer cartoons, maybe from the late 60's, and they just didn't hold up. The sound was all muted, the characters spoke like they were under water, and the concepts were just far out, like Tom & Jerry on the moon. What the heck were they smoking over at Hanna-Barbera during the late 60's? (Don't tell me, I think I know...)

This hour-long cartoon from 2002 is better than those late 60's shorts, but not by much. And it sure doesn't measure up to the classic 4-minute T&J shorts from the 50's. Introduce the characters, set up the conflict, chase scene, fight scene, owner comes home, wrap it up. Classic scenarios that fit in perfectly with a young boy's (lack of) attention span.

When stretched out to an hour, a Tom & Jerry plot (or lack thereof...) just doesn't hold up. Jerry gets a magic ring stuck on his head. That's it? Then 57 minutes of chase scenes? Are you kidding me? There's no coherent overarching storyline - for example, having to deliver the magic ring across town. It's simplistic, but that would be more of a plot than we actually get here. Other classic characters are introduced more or less at random, and more chase/capture scenes follow, with each character having their own flimsy motivation for obtaining the ring.

And yet, no one truly understands or appreciates the MAGIC-ness of the ring. From what we see, it can do almost anything, mostly transforming characters into other objects, or making them liquid, or making heavy objects appear over their heads. That's a GREAT story device for a cartoon, and yet its potential goes largely untapped here. Why not magic up a great big bone to distract the bulldog chasing you? While you're at it, turn that car into a giant fish for Tom, and wish up some cheese for yourself while you're at it. Nope, no one thinks of stuff like that.

One of my favorite cartoons of all time is Tex Avery's "The Great Poochini". A magician tortures an opera singer by using his magic wand to turn him into a country singer, a singing baby, making TNT appear in his hand, etc. etc. It's a great example of what you can do in a cartoon with magic, and the only limits are the animator's imagination. Unfortunately, they don't show it much on TV any more, since the opera singer gets turned into a stereotypical Chinaman at one point, and also a singer performing in blackface. But those (allegedly) racist depictions are also cultural touchpoints from the 1950's, so I think they should be allowed to air.

NITPICK POINTS #1-4: How did Tom come to be a wizard's cat? It's never explained. If you want to keep a magic ring safe, why give it to your cat? Maybe put it in a safe while you're away. How come the ring doesn't work, doesn't work, doesn't work, then suddenly just works? And why would a mouse even WANT a ring anyway? His fingers are much too small.

To add insult to injury, the lip-sync here is mostly non-existent. The human characters all manage to have something in front of their mouths when they speak, or their faces are in shadow. Yeah, I noticed you people cutting corners. I realize that the old Tom & Jerry cartoons used to just show humans from the lower torso down, but still. Haven't we progressed in the animation industry since then?

Starring the voices of Jeff Bennett, Frank Welker (last heard in "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius"), Charlie Schlatter (last seen in "Bright Lights, Big City"), Maurice LaMarche, Tress MacNeille, and Billy West (also last heard in "Jimmy Neutron").

RATING: 2 out of 10 kennel cages

Stuart Little 2

2012-01-04T01:21:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 4 - 1/4/12 - Movie #1,004

BEFORE: Yes, I realize this sequel's main character is a mouse. But I couldn't fit this one into my last rodent chain ("Tale of Despereaux", "Alvin & The Chipmunks 2", "G-Force") and the first film had a lot of cats in it, so I'm hoping for more of the same.

THE PLOT: Stuart and Snowbell set out across town to rescue a friend.

AFTER: Honestly, I forget - why does the Little family treat a mouse like their son, and the family cat like a cat? How come they can understand what the mouse is saying, but not the cat? Yet the mouse can understand the cat, and vice versa. I think I'm overthinking it again - or I'm already cracking up from watching all these talking animals.

It's a kids' movie, it's a kids' movie, it's a kids' movie. I know, but I have to keep reminding myself not to hold it to the same logical standards as an adult film. Though this one was pretty entertaining for all ages, it didn't really dumb down the storyline too much, and it kept the slapstick out of the action sequences (mostly...).

If I had any problem with the story, besides the non-logical nature of a mouse going to school, playing soccer, etc., it's that the Little family seems a little too perfect, a bit too lovey-dovey, with their little family catchphrases, and Mr. Little giving his son these very Brady-ish pep talks. For god sakes, that's DR. HOUSE, and he's wearing a sweater, and kissing his wife, and acting all dad-like!

The voice casting is spot on, once again. You might not realize how, well, mousey the voice of Michael J. Fox (last seen in "Teen Wolf") is, until you hear it coming from an actual mouse. OK, a virtual one, but still. And as a bonus you get to see Jonathan Lipnicki around the time when he stopped being cute, so that's probably when Hollywood decided it was done with him. (Yep, just checked IMDB, he was 12 when this was released, and he's now 21.)

That said, I still found this film to be acceptably entertaining. If you have to watch a film with your kid (or someone else's kid) you could do a whole lot worse. There's still the variation on the "quest" theme - mouse has to get across town, then get back home - but they change it up so many times that you might not even notice. The bird love-interest is a great addition to the cast. Another baby in the family? Not so much.

There's a "Stuart Little 3"? Ah, crap...I'm calling a mulligan on that one.

Starring Hugh Laurie (last heard in "Monsters vs. Aliens"), Geena Davis (last seen in "The Fly"), with the voices of Nathan Lane (last seen in "Joe vs. the Volcano"), Melanie Griffith, James Woods (last seen in "John Q"), Steve Zahn (last seen in "Out of Sight"), and a cameo from Brad Garrett (last heard as a dog in "Garfield").

RATING: 7 out of 10 taxicabs

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties

2012-01-02T23:39:00.001-08:00

Year 4, Day 3 - 1/3/12 - Movie #1,003

BEFORE: Back to work today, so I didn't see the new backyard kitty. But my wife was home and fed her. Yes, it's a her, so if she sticks around we'll have to take some precautions against her having kittens.

Problems with my cable boxes continue - my upstairs DVR is having troubling saving recorded shows. It records them, but then can't save them. Rebooting the box helps, but only for a couple of days, then the problem comes back. Which would only be a problem if my job required me to watch TV at home. Oh, wait, it does. Hoping to have the problem fixed on Saturday, if Time Warner Cable shows up to repair it. My fear is that they'll need to swap out the box and I'll lose 5 or 6 episodes of "Chopped".

THE PLOT: Jon Arbuckle travels to the United Kingdom, and he brings his cat, Garfield, along for the trip. A case of mistaken cat identity finds Garfield ruling over a castle, but his reign is soon jeopardized by the nefarious Lord Dargis.

AFTER: Ah, there's nothing that kids like more than titles that riff off of Charles Dickens novels. Though "A Tale of Two Cities" featured a classic case of look-alikes, the plot here mostly rips off "The Prince and the Pauper" - at least, the parts it didn't steal from "The Aristocats". Yes, only three films into the new year, and things are already getting repetitive.

Once again, we've got an older woman who leaves her inheritance to her beloved cat. And once again there's a stuffed-shirt proper Briddish-type villain who needs to dispose of the feline standing in between him and his perceived rightful fortune. And where "The Aristocats" had some random geese and farm dogs, this film also adds ducks, rabbits, pigs, goats, ferrets, a parrot, and I think some kind of musk ox for good measure.

My 3-year old niece and nephew are going through an animal phase, so that tells me about what age level this film was aiming at. But just because you're making a kid's film, you don't have to make a dumb film, or throw in a bunch of random talking animals just as eye candy.

If you want to read between the lines, there's some stuff here about class struggle, the working farm animals vs. the indoor pet animals, but I suspect I'm overthinking it. This isn't "Animal Farm". On a slightly simpler level, there's the dichotomy between look-alikes Garfield and Prince, the rich cat. Like people, some cats are born of privilege, and others aren't. Perhaps this is on my mind when I compare my spoiled indoor cat to the one living in the backyard.

Of course, since this is a movie, the cats are content to take advantage of their seemingly improved stations - Garfield enjoys the comforts of his new mansion, and Prince enjoys sitting on a hotel couch and watching TV. (They didn't have TV in his castle?) But, eventually (Spoiler alert...) they each long to return to their lives and find a way to switch back, and get slapsticky revenge on the upper-class twit who's so conveniently cruel to animals.

NITPICK POINT: Once again, it's surprisingly easy for Garfield (or Prince) to escape from his owner when necessary. Convenient plot point, or just bad supervision? But whereas that was the WHOLE plot of last night's film, here it's just a small development.

NITPICK POINT #2: Garfield + Odie stash themselves in Jon's luggage to get to the U.K., thus neatly avoiding weeks of quarantine. But no one x-rayed the bags? And they lasted 12-14 hours without food, water, or air?

NITPICK POINT #3: Again, Garfield is supposed to be LAZY. One would think this condition to be heightened after days spent pigging out and living in the lap of luxury. But again, he seems incredibly agile (and very animated...) when the plot calls for it. Still, out of character.

Starring Breckin Meyer, Jennifer Love Hewitt, voice of Bill Murray (all carrying over from last night), plus Billy Connolly (last seen in "The Last Samurai"), Roger Rees (last seen in "The Prestige"), Ian Abercrombie (Mr. Pitt from "Seinfeld"), and the voices of Tim Curry (last seen in "Kinsey"), Bob Hoskins (last seen in "The Cotton Club"), Sharon Osbourne, Jane Leeves (last seen in "Miracle on 34th St."), Rhys Ifans (last seen in "Pirate Radio") and Vinnie Jones (last seen in "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels").

RATING: 5 out of 10 oil paintings

Garfield

2012-01-02T00:34:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 2 - 1/2/12 - Movie #1,002

BEFORE: I started watching films about cats, and as if on cue, a new stray kitty has moved into our backyard. We've got two cat houses out back, they're plastic tubs with holes cut in the side, and they're insulated so strays can survive the cold winter. This little tortoise-shell colored cat has taken up residence, which is fine since we haven't seen our last backyard cat, Condoleeza, in quite some time. I'm not sure if this is a boy or girl cat, but either way we might have to catch it and neuter it if it's going to stick around.

THE PLOT: Jon Arbuckle buys a second pet, a dog named Odie. However, Odie is then abducted and it is up to Jon's cat, Garfield, to find and rescue him.

AFTER: This film was bound to live or die based on the casting of Garfield's voice - I remember the old TV specials where Garfield's voice (OK, thought-voice) was done by Lorenzo Music, who was also famous for voicing the unseen doorman, Carlton, on the old "Rhoda" sitcom. They cast Bill Murray (last heard in another animated film, "Fantastic Mr. Fox"), which I think turned out for the best. His voice is very expressive, and at the same time has that sort of sad lilting quality that works well for a lazy cat.

There's a theme very similar to "The Aristocats" - again there is a stuffy, bald villain who seeks to profit from the fate of animals. Tonight it's a TV host who kidnaps the dancing Odie so he can get a regular gig on a national daytime show. And Garfield has to go on the "impossible" quest to the big city to rescue him.

But since this is a movie aimed at kids, there's a lot of slapstick and a very thin plot, and for the most part logic gets thrown out the window. OK, so Garfield can understand English. And he talks, but humans can't hear him - all that's sort of standard for a kid's cartoon. But he also seems to understand complicated mechanical devices, plus there are times when he walks and dances in ways that a cat just can't. I'm trying not to hold a kid's animated film to the same standards as, say, a live-action spy film, but I'm afraid I just can't switch off the analytical part of my adult brain.

NITPICK POINT: So, in a universe where cats and dogs can talk to each other, why isn't Odie able to talk? He proves himself to not be stupid, and other dogs can talk, so what gives?

NITPICK POINT #2: Garfield and Odie are able to enter and leave the house at will. I understand it's important to the plot that Odie runs away and Garfield is able to pursue him, but what kind of irresponsible pet owner allows both of these things to happen? I guess my problem is really with people who install "pet doors", which I don't understand to begin with. If you love your pet, why let him leave the house? And can't all manner of other creatures enter your house through the pet door?

NITPICK POINT #3: Garfield is supposed to be fat and lazy, that's part of his charm. But he's seen in this film doing all kinds of stunts that would be impossible for the most athletic cat, let alone an overweight one. He does a lot of stuff here that contradicts his nature.

Also, I noticed a lot of "cheats" in the animation - times where complicated action either takes place off-screen, or Garfield is walking through a scene under a box or something - I'm not sure if someone was cutting corners on cost or time, but it's blatantly obvious. There are a few too many in-jokes, too (Garfield pokes fun at merchandising, Garfield stuck to a car window).

Starring Breckin Meyer (last seen in "The Craft"), Jennifer Love Hewitt, Stephen Tobolowsky (last seen in "The Fly"), and the voices of Nick Cannon (last heard in "Monster House"), Alan Cumming, Brad Garrett (last heard in "Jetsons: The Movie"), Debra Messing (last seen in "The Mothman Prophecies"), Richard Kind (last seen in "Stargate"), and Debra Jo Rupp (last seen in "She's Out of My League").

RATING: 3 out of 10 flea collars

The Aristocats

2012-01-01T00:22:00.000-08:00

Year 4, Day 1 - 1/1/12 - Movie #1,001

BEFORE: Of course, we don't go out on New Year's Eve, last night the missus and I stayed in and re-watched "Big Night" (the first film we saw together) and then something on VH-1 called "40 Champions of Cute", which was sort of a clip show of internet videos about babies and cute animals. Animals are WAY cuter than babies, by the way. So I'm following that up with a movie about more kittens.

This ties in with this year's dedication - to Merlin, who was my cat for 20 years, and still checked out way too soon. The world's best cat, and I'll gladly defend that point - from the way he'd sleep in my arms, to the way he'd sing "the dinner song" for me. Everybody loved him, including all the staff at the vet's office, and it still feels like one day he's just going to walk out of the closet he liked to sleep in, and hop right back up on the bed. Miss ya, buddy.

THE PLOT: With the help of a smooth talking tomcat, a family of Parisian felines set to inherit a fortune from their owner try to make it back home after a jealous butler kidnaps them and leaves them in the country.

AFTER: My mom took me to most of the Disney films when I was a kid, but I think we might have missed this one. I would have been 2 years old at the time this came out, so if I saw it, it didn't register. I know the characters, so I must have read their stories in Disney Comics or something.

Every so often you hear about rich people leaving their fortunes to their pets, most notably Leona Helmsley, and you have to think that means that some people are bound to cash in, provided they're the ones entrusted to care for the lucky dog or cat. But in this film, the butler doesn't see the opportunity, and figures he'll move up the inheritance chain if he can just dispose of the rich lady's cat and kittens. I'm not sure I follow the logic - she might just get another cat, no?

I imagine the Disney marketing department pulling out their hair, trying to figure out how they're going to sell people on a film about killing cats. In fact, it's kind of tough to see where this fits in the Disney pantheon - somehow it's not in the same league as "Bambi" or "Dumbo". I guess they started with the wild animals like deer and elephants, with great dramatic stories, and by the time they worked their way down to cats and dogs, the stories seemed less significant. After the mid-70's, the Disney films weren't all that great ("Black Cauldron", "Oliver & Company", "The Great Mouse Detective") until they pulled out of their dive with "The Little Mermaid" and "Beauty and the Beast".

This film feels like it takes elements of "Lady and the Tramp" (rich dog meets poor dog) and "101 Dalmatians" (evil person tries to kill puppies) and mixes them together, but changes the main characters from dogs to cats.

After the set-up, it's more like "The Incredible Journey", with the cats making their way back to their home in Paris. Which is a simple story, but it still manages to fire off in too many different directions. There's a diversion with a band of jazz-playing cats, but I was bothered by the blatant racism in the portrayal of the Siamese cat. As a matter of fact, the accents in the film are all over the place, with the British geese and a couple of dogs that sound like they're from the southern U.S., despite being named "Napoleon" and "Lafayette". They're in France, shouldn't all the animals sound French?

What's weird is, I just re-watched "The Odd Couple" a few weeks ago, and when I heard the British geese, I thought of the Pigeon Sisters from that film. Well, it turned out to be the voices of those same two actresses, Monica Evans and Carole Shelley! Damn, my voice recognition skills are good! And the Russian cat was voiced by Thurl Ravenscroft, who very notably voiced Tony the Tiger in ads for many years, and also sang the song "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" in the original Dr. Seuss TV special.

Starring the voices of Phil Harris (last seen in "The Patsy"), Eva Gabor, Sterling Holloway, Scatman Crothers (also last seen in "The Patsy"), Pat Buttram (who co-starred with Gabor in "Green Acres"), George Lindsay, Nancy Kulp (yep, was in "The Patsy", but more famous for appearing on "The Beverly Hillbillies").

RATING: 6 out of 10 bowls of creme

year 3 wrap-up / year 4 preview

2011-12-31T12:13:00.000-08:00

Hola, amigos! I know it's been a while since I last rapped at ya...

I don't regret the decision to suspend the blog during the last 2 months of 2011, which I'm hoping turns out to be its penultimate year. Hey, for all I know, 2011 will turn out to be the penultimate year for everything... Anyway, reaction from my real-world friends and associates ranged from “Wow, I can’t believe you were able to STOP,” to “Jeez, are you still doing that movie-blog thing?”

I made it to that Weird Al concert in October, I got to meet the man himself, which was awesome. Got a chance to catch up on some TV, watched the final seasons of "Rescue Me" and "Law & Order: Criminal Intent", and the latest rounds of "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race" without the media or the Twitterverse spoiling the identities of the winners. Though despite my best efforts, I'm still 3 months behind on most serialized TV, I just watched the September premieres of the big network dramas. (Where have you gone, Laurence Fishburne and Christopher Meloni?)

Then along came Thanksgiving, the best holiday, since it's devoted purely to eating. Oh, wait, Christmas is like that too, except you also get pres...I mean, get to GIVE people presents (more on that later.) I got my Christmas mix CD out on time, took my annual Festivus Holiday Market Walking Tour, got my shopping done with a few days to spare, and was able to (mostly) relax and enjoy the season. Though a bout with the stomach flu made the days right after Christmas something of a nauseous blur...

I read some books (OK, Clone Wars books, but still, books), winterized the house, even visited my folks for my mother's birthday, got the Christmas lights up, and yes, I watched some movies. Specifically, I targeted some movies on my list that I was fairly certain I had seen before - but, for whatever reason, were total blanks in my mind with regards to plot details. Perhaps I failed to pay attention the first time I saw them, or perhaps the 1,000 movies I've watched in the last three years are more prominent, and my memory is close to full. Either way, I wanted to get them off the list, which is supposed to be for the classic (and neo-classic) films I have NOT yet seen.

So, I took a refresher course in these 15 films (in no particular order): "The Addams Family", "Addams Family Values", "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein", "Dead Again", "Legend", "The Odd Couple", "Singles", "Old School", "Mafia!", “Tin Men”, “Unfaithful”, "Empire of the Sun", "No Way Out", "An Officer and A Gentleman", and "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". Interesting films all, though they won't be reviewed here. One of these films even had a twist ending that I missed the first time around, and I have never, ever seen mentioned in any review. So, that happened. Always watch films until the end, kids, and even after the credits, you never know.

And now, it’s the tail end of the year, the time when everyone makes those “year-end best of” lists, and people seem to fall in line with my way of thinking. The need to break down, re-organize and compile, while offering some form of commentary. Welcome to the party, fellas – I’m like that 52 weeks of the year, thanks to the O.C.D.

The big winner of the year was “Avatar”, I think the only film I watched in 2011 that scored a 9 or above. Which means it tops my list, a mere 2 years after it topped everyone else’s lists. Losers are “Popeye” and “Miss March” – please, never darken my TV screens again.

When I went on break, there were 247 films left on the list, but even with the removal of those 15, the list has continued to grow. Santa was good to me this year, or else family and friends are trying to influence the content of the blog. Plus I got some classics off the TV - which reminds me, I better get the TCM channel fixed before February's "31 Days of Oscar" marathon starts - so the list now stands at 270.

It can be disconcerting, I sort of feel like Richard Gere's character in "An Officer and a Gentleman" after completing 100 push-ups, only to have the D.I. just assign another 50. But 270 is well under 365, so I COULD finish the project this year. However, there were probably at least 30 movies released in 2011 that I'll need to add to the list, so if I take another couple of breaks and settle for 300 films in 2012, I'm looking at Year Five. I guess I just have to try not to add 3 films to the list for every one I watch, which is what has caused it to drag on for so long.

What's on tap for the coming months? Well, first there's a metric ton of animated films to watch, starring cats and dogs and bugs and birds and maybe a lion or two. That leads neatly into fairy tale films and stories from children's lit. Then there's the annual V-Day tribute to romance in all its forms. Then there will be pirates, aliens, time travelers and superheroes, another round of cops, spies and soldiers, plus special tributes to Liz Taylor, Jack Lemmon, and Jimmy Stewart, and a Ben Stiller-thon. And of course, there'll be sport. After that, the random clean-up work can begin.

In October, I hope to start the Hitchcock marathon, then I can assess whether to wrap it up or roll over the Woody Allen films to 2013. That's assuming that the Mayan calendar doesn't run out, and the solar flares don't, umm, flare. (Is it truly better to burn out than fade away?) As Jim Steinman once wrote, “The Future Just Ain’t What It Used to Be”.

You know, I wonder if it isn't for the best. If we keep going, we're only going to keep over-populating the planet and depleting its resources until we'll all just be swimming in waste anyway. I mean, no one wants to get serious about the situation, and we're all content to text and tweet to distract ourselves while things go to ruin. It's no wonder I've got a fatalistic attitude about things, and the dark nature of mankind's existential...

Ooh, look, everyone! Kitties! Cartoon kitties! Aren't they just the cutest?

2012

2011-10-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 293 - 10/20/11 - Movie #1,000

BEFORE: In order to bring this baby in on schedule, I had to jettison a couple films from the chain - namely "The Road" and "The Book of Eli". In the end, I determined they were POST-apocalyptic movies, and I'd have to get to them, well, after the (movie) apocalypse.

It wasn't my original intention, but taking a few days off for NY Comic-Con made the last film of the year fall (semi-)squarely on my birthday. It was another nice little bit of confluence I decided to take advantage of. I blew the candles out on a pumpkin pie this morning (long story) and managed to avoid the traditional office "kidnapping" to a far-off local restaurant, which usually knocks the middle out of the workday. Instead I celebrated with a triple-decker NY deli sandwich (corned beef, tongue and chopped liver, with cole slaw + Russian dressing) and a few beers while I worked and caught up on some episodes of "Top Chef: Just Desserts". Other than that, I spent the day in quiet contemplation. (Yeah, right...)

Once again, it's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel - well, maybe not fine. Tired, a bit rundown perhaps. I've got to try and use the next 2 months to get back on a better sleeping schedule, one that actually sets aside time to sleep.

Linking from "Knowing", Nicolas Cage was in "Con Air" with John Cusack (last seen in "Sixteen Candles", I think)

THE PLOT: An epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world and tells of the heroic struggle of the survivors.

AFTER: So Movie 1,000 is "2012" on 10/20/2011, and it takes place on 12/21/2012. It's like some weird binary code that only means something to me.

I've seen the world end a number of different ways now - this one suggests that the Mayans got the date right, and also like "Knowing" features a solar flare. Here the flare creates some new neutrinos that somehow overheat the Earth's core, and as a result, Earth gets a new lighter and flakier crust. You know what, before it gets too technical, here's some footage of stuff being blowed up!

Not only does the science seem out of whack, the plotline constantly pushes the boundaries of believability. What are the chances that our protagonists can JUST outrun the destruction in each city as they make their way across the globe? I realize, for every person that makes it, millions don't - but still, how many times are they going to take off in a plane AS the runway is collapsing? We get it, just stop taking that same shot...

It's sort of a shame, we finally get the technology to create any dazzling movie effects we want, and it's just in time to document the end of all that is...

We also get a look at how governments would react to the end of the world - Step 1 - don't tell the public or you'll start a panic. Step 2 - umm, can we get back to you on this? Step 3 - save the Mona Lisa and other works of art, we'll need them later. (Really?) Step 4 - figure out a way to save the rich people and the beautiful people, which is the fairest way to re-populate the planet. OK, not by a longshot, but it represents the kind of committee-based thinking that the top brass might follow.

The special effects here were just stunning - if you like watching cities crumble, that is. Face it, when are you going to see this kind of destruction happen in real-life, and not be doomed along with it? I'm deducting a point for the madness running long, and being overly repetitive.

For a while there I thought they were going to launch the lucky connected people into space, which would have made even less sense - where would the space-ark go? Even if we knew of another habitable planet, how many generations would it take to get there?

But this is a textbook example of a screenplay that figuratively paints itself into a corner - OK, we accept the world's collapsing, and escaping the destruction is quite thrilling, but even if you accept that there IS a safe place left on the globe, what happens when people get there? In this case, the last hour is full of stalling, because no one really was able to think up much of a resolution. I'm reminded of the end of "The Day After Tomorrow", where everybody just went to get Mexican take-out.

So that's 1,000 films down, with 247 left on the list - I'd hope to get that down closer to 200, but c'est la vie. I'm hoping that number won't creep up too high by Jan. 1, but you never know - I could still be at this by the time 12/21/2012 rolls around.

For the immediate future, I've got a Weird Al concert coming up (the "Alpocalypse" tour, nice tie-in!), I've got to start working on my Christmas CD, my comic-book collection is in desperate need of some organization, and I've got a stack of books to start reading. Jeez, I should try and make a list of the things I want to do before I start up with movies again in January. Assuming I don't get raptured before then...

Also starring Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor (last seen in "Salt"), Oliver Platt (last seen in "Kinsey"), Thandie Newton (last seen in "Run Fatboy Run"), Danny Glover (last seen in "Lethal Weapon 4"), Woody Harrelson (last seen in "Anger Management"), Thomas McCarthy.

RATING: 7 out of 10 Vegas casinos

SPOOK-O-METER: 8 out of 10. Watching the world end, especially in such vivid detail, does have a rather chilling effect.

Knowing

2011-10-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 292 - 10/19/11 - Movie #999

BEFORE: I'm back after 4 days of New York Comic-Con - I didn't have to travel there, except on the subway, but I had to be there early and man the booth until the closing bell, plus I'd go out to dinner after with friends, so really it took up quite a bit of my time, not to mention catching up on TV afterwards so my DVRs wouldn't fill up. I also had time to read a book, a real one with words and everything. OK, so it was a paperback - that still counts. I've got a bunch of books to read while I'm on break from the movie project.

Continuing with the end-of-the-world topic - and linking from "Legion", Dennis Quaid was also in "Undercover Blues" with Kathleen Turner, who of course was in "Peggy Sue Got Married" with Nicolas Cage (last seen in "The Cotton Club").

THE PLOT: A teacher opens a time capsule that has been dug up at his son's elementary school; in it are some chilling predictions that lead him to believe his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold.

AFTER: Numbers are funny - I initially thought I should watch "Legion" here, since 999 upside-down is 666, the devil's number. But I thought that was a bit corny, and I wanted to maintain the chain thematically.

So, it's weird how things worked out - all I knew about this film was that the numbers on a piece of paper corresponded to the dates of predicted disasters. And what's the last date on the page, the one corresponding to the end of everything? Why, it's October 19! That's an odd bit of creepy, that I was watching the film in the early morning hours of that same date. I swear I didn't know the date featured in the film. Sure, it's 10/19/2009, but still...

OK, so there's this list of numbers - fine. And it corresponds to a list of human disasters - got it. But it's HOW Cage's character figures it out that bothered me. To be able to look at a page full of (seemingly) random numbers and pick out something akin to a pattern - well, how did he even KNOW there was a pattern? As a scientist, I would have expected him to use an approach that was more methodical or at least logical. First step might have been to count up the totals on each number, check the frequency of each digit, or look for some kind of substitution cipher. Or references to some document with words, like that number code that referenced the Declaration of Independence.

Cage's character, after all, is a scientist - an astrophysicist at MIT, no less. Yeah, chew on that one. Who better to decipher the numbers than a scientist, one who's not sure whether there's a plan for the universe or not? On one hand, what are the chances of the earth being JUST the right distance from the sun to support life - but on the other hand, there are 9 (whoops, 8) planets in the system, so chances are good that one will land in the "butter zone", right?

Essentially, that's what the film seems to be about - the argument between random chance and pre-determination. Can numbers be scribbled down quickly, and then used to predict the future? Someone did that "Bible Code" thing a few years ago, which was unique since Hebrew letters could also be words or numbers, making a giant word search out of the Old Testament - but it's funny how they could only find past events hidden in the matrix, and couldn't find anything concrete about the future. Ditto for Nostra-Dumbass, who history should regard as a bad poet and nothing else.

But why alert people about the end of the world, if it's pre-determined? Would you want to know the end is coming, if you couldn't change it? And shouldn't the message about destruction be delivered by someone with a better acting ability, who can project some measure of concern? Cage's acting method seems to consist of holding the same sad expression for the whole film, and trying to talk without moving his lips. He gets a little heated and emotional late in the film, but it's too little, too late.

The film attempts to take religion, science, and conspiracy theory and mash them all together - but they don't quite reconcile, do they? This one amounts to a split decision, because I dig apocalyptic stuff and puzzles, but this one left a lot of loose ends. What were those shiny stones? Who, exactly, was behind it all? And why send us warnings exactly 50 years before the date in question, what's the significance of that? Why make the warning so obtuse that only 1 in 5 billion people can understand it?

Again, as in "Needful Things" and "Legion", we see that humans are all fairly close to the edge of madness. It doesn't take much, here it's just some scribbled numbers and some scratches on a wall that send humanity reeling into chaos. I approve.

NITPICK POINT: Among the predicted disasters is the Blizzard of 1978? I remember that one, and while it was very inconvenient, I don't know if I'd put it on a par with a bombing or a chemical leak. Besides, all of the other disasters were location specific, and that one covered like the whole East Coast. Shenanigans!

Also starring Rose Byrne, Chandler Canterbury.

RATING: 6 out of 10 newspaper clippings

SPOOK-O-METER: 7 out of 10. Depending on how you feel about seeing accidents, disasters and large-scale destruction. And the creepy people who don't blink.

Legion

2011-10-12T00:42:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 285 - 10/12/11 - Movie #998

BEFORE: From a tricky Devil to an angry God - and as I approach the end of the chain, let's discuss the end of the world, shall we?

The ubiquitous J.T. Walsh from "Needful Things" was also in "Sling Blade" with Lucas Black (last seen in "Friday Night Lights"), who appears tonight, all growed up.

THE PLOT: A group of strangers fight for the welfare of humanity.

AFTER: This starts out like a premise from "Twilight Zone" - a group of strangers in a remote roadside diner just before Christmas, who suddenly lose TV, radio, phone - all contact with the outside world.

Hmm, Dec. 24, a desert setting, and a very pregnant unwed mother? It starts to seem sort of biblically familiar. But when a couple of plagues and the angel/demons show up, the diner's patrons start to realize that the chapter at the other end of the New Testament might be more relevant.

Then a rogue angel shows up, and makes some of the same salient points about religion that I discussed yesterday. Good news is, God exists. Bad news is, he's kind of pissed off. Ready to scrap this whole humanity experiment and start over. Well, we gave it a good run, but I guess we just disappointed God in the end (or, did he disappoint us?).

Either way, it's up to a few stragglers to defend the diner and allow the child to be born, because apparently history repeats itself. This means the film mostly deteriorates into a shoot-em-up, and I kind of wish it had stuck to the philosophical stuff.

NITPICK POINT: If God really lost his faith in humanity, and felt there was no point in saving the world, why even allow the possibility of a savior being born? Isn't God, like, infallible or something? So how can there be a defect in his wise and wonderful plan? For that matter, why create angels (or humans) that disobey His rules? Damn, it's like I'm back in Sunday school again, asking tricky questions.

Also starring Paul Bettany (last seen in "The Tourist"), Dennis Quaid (last seen in "Suspect"), Kate Walsh (last seen in "Kicking & Screaming"), Charles S. Dutton (last seen in "A Time to Kill"), Tyrese Gibson, and Kevin Durand (last seen as the Blob in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine").

RATING: 6 out of 10 highway maps

SPOOK-O-METER: 8 out of 10, some really creepy demonic characters in this one.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: I've got to suspend the project for another few days, since New York Comic-Con starts tomorrow, and I've got to be up bright and early to load a van. I maybe working long hours at the convention, and I'll be pretty tired, so the easiest thing is to finish the chain by watching the last two movies early next week. Now I'm sorry that I took that week off in September, since I apparently miscalculated the number of days I'd have before Comic-Con.

Needful Things

2011-10-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 284 - 10/11/11 - Movie #997

BEFORE: I watched a whole bunch of Stephen King-based films last year, but this one came into my possession after October was over. A character carries over (Hmm, who could it be?) and we go from Christopher Plummer to Amanda Plummer, father to daughter. Have they ever acted in a film together? Well, if not, then Christopher was in "Twelve Monkeys" with Bruce Willis, who was in "Die Hard" with Bonnie Bedelia (last seen in "Presumed Innocent"), another of tonight's stars.

THE PLOT: Leland Gaunt comes to a pleasant little New England town, and opens a store.

AFTER: Yes, a nice little country store, run by a man who seems to know exactly what you want to buy, and what you're willing to do in return for it. Plus he seems to keep the thermostat turned up very high in his store, wonder what's up with that?

I like the notion that it doesn't take much to plunge a small town into chaos, the mysterious stranger sets just a few small things in motion, playing upon people's petty feuds and typical grievances, and things spiral out of control quite artfully. So everyone is living pretty close to the edge, and they just need a little push. Seems about right.

I'm kind of reminded of that guy a few years ago who started with a paper-clip, and made an internet trade for a pen, then traded the pen for a doorknob, traded that for a Coleman stove, and kept trading up until he got himself a house. The Stranger works with something akin to the same principle here - set a little chaos in motion, and eventually the souls will come. Except he does it with about the same bluntness that Tony Soprano's crew used to take over that sporting goods store.

It makes sense that the Devil (come on, you knew it was the Devil, right?) would thrive on chaos and pettiness - it was probably too obvious to have people sign those soul-binding contracts. Why go to so much trouble with those legal documents, when this is so much easier, and probably a lot more fun? Does it surprise anyone that the Devil is a sadistic bastard? Yes, in addition to being pure evil, he's also not very nice. Seems about right.

Oh, but he LOOKS nice. He's a kind old man, an innocent shopkeeper. What, did you think he'd look like a twisted demon with horns and a tail, holding a pitchfork? That's so 12th century. He's going to wear a nice suit, drive a bitchin' car (vanity is a sin, after all) and act like your best damn friend. Again, makes perfect sense.

And he's played quite artfully here by Max Von Sydow (last seen in "Minority Report"), the same guy who played Jesus in "The Greatest Story Ever Told". From Father Merrin in "The Exorcist" to Emperor Ming in "Flash Gordon" - that's what you call RANGE, kids. He can play sinner or saint, and everything in between.

So far, this is my favorite Stephen King story, of the ones I've seen, anyway. I like what it says about human nature, though it's a stretch to think that the Devil is actively tempting people on such a concrete basis. As the priest in this film says, if you believe in God then you must believe in the Devil. The reverse is true, so if the Devil's walking around, it proves the existence of God, right? But what if John Lennon got it right - Imagine there's no heaven...no hell below us, above us only sky. Imagine all the people, living for today. (and not beating the crap out of each other)

I was raised Catholic, and in my own New England hometown there were a number of other churches. But I knew my parents wouldn't bring me to the "wrong" church, so I had to be going to the right one, and all those other churches and temples were somehow less "right". See, that's the kind of stinking thinking that's got the world where it is, and it leads to people blowing up buildings and each other. Maybe all of the faiths are right, maybe NONE of them are right. Each person has the power to think for themselves, and reject dogma that doesn't make sense, or seems like a fairy story.

The Devil, if he exists, doesn't need to do jack squat, not when religious people argue over fine points of irrelevant moral codes. My god can beat up your god, when both religions preach non-violence? Ridiculous. End of rant.

You know what you never see in a spy film or a comic book? Someone about to take over the world in a calm, rational manner. The super-hero or super-agent would burst into the villain's lair, and after the villain details his plans (and they always detail their plans) to loan money to Greece, leverage the U.S.A.'s debt to China, etc. etc., the hero would be forced to say, "Hey, that could work! And it's all perfectly legal. Good luck with that, I'll just let myself out." Nope, you never see that.

Also starring Ed Harris (last seen in "The Right Stuff"), J.T. Walsh (last seen in "Miracle on 34th Street"), and Don Davis (last seen in "Omen IV").

RATING: 8 out of 10 parking tickets

SPOOK-O-METER: 6 out of 10. What's scarier than the Devil is how low humanity can go.

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

2011-10-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 283 - 10/10/11 - Movie #996

BEFORE: From the freakshow to a traveling carnival, and another film from a director who I've met. I got Terry Gilliam's autograph at a book signing years ago, and my boss has had a few professional dealings with him since. I didn't have this film on my list of horror films, but after reading the plot summary, I found it might be just the film I need to fit here and bridge the topics.

Linking from "Freaked" is simple, since Randy Quaid was also in "Brokeback Mountain" with Heath Ledger (last seen in "A Knight's Tale").

THE PLOT: A traveling theater company gives its audience much more than they were expecting.

AFTER: As I approach the 1,000 film mark, I've been building a list of the films I've seen from the IMDB, so that I can get an overview on the ratings, and how my ratings compare to the public's average scores. It seems like I gave out a lot more 7's and 8's back in Year 1, and I'm not sure whether that's because my general outlook toward movies was more favorable, or since I had a larger list, I was able to select better films.

And this film puts me in a delicate spot, because I like Terry Gilliam, and he's made some of my favorite films - "Time Bandits", "Brazil" and "12 Monkeys" are all contenders for slots in my all-time Top 10. And much respect for his work in Monty Python, on the TV or the big-screen, it's all good.

Something started slipping, though, with "Adventures of Baron Munchausen", which was still a great film, but I started to get the sense that the fantasy elements were starting to overtake the narrative ones, and that the director might have started to lose a little perspective on what works and what doesn't - and then came that documentary "Lost in La Mancha" that showed him struggling with the concepts involved in trying to make a new version of "Don Quixote". So, I worried about, and avoided, films like "Tideland" (still on the list, though).

The fantasy sequences in "Brazil" were brilliant allegories, and were used to enhance the main storyline. In "Baron Munchausen", "Fisher King", and even "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", the fantasy/drug-induced sequences were gradually taking over more and more of each film - to the point where I'm not sure if the man can make a straight, narrative film anymore.

Which brings us to tonight's film - a large majority of which takes place in a fantasy world, which might be inside the mind of Dr. Parnassus, or it might be some cosmic limbo where people's fates get decided, or possibly both. The title character can't resist making wagers with Mr. Nick (the Devil), and the commerce they trade in is the souls of other people.

As near as I can tell, Parnassus's carnival transports them to this other world, where they are given some form of choice, and one choice brings them to hell, and the other..., well, that's where things get fuzzy. Parnassus's original bet with the devil was that he could get people to choose imagination and wonderment over darkness and evil, but is that still the choice? With such broad visual allegories in the fantasy world, I honestly couldn't tell which choice would lead to what.

If you're going to detail some Faustian wager, it might help to clue the audience in on exactly what the rules are, and how this crazy process works. Now I've got to go to the message boards and try to figure out just what was happening, and what it all means.

Gilliam, of course, was dealt a bad hand when Heath Ledger died before completing the film - so we'll never know how good the film could have been, if more scenes with Ledger would have made the whole deal more coherent. Other prominent actors famously stepped in to complete his scenes, and fortunately this was easily acceptable by stating that the character's appearance changes within the fantasy sequences, with the world's appearance being dictated by the imagination of the at-risk soul.

When you consider the fragility of life, imagine the heartless choices that a producer or director has to make, which are often dictated by money rather than human sensitivity. Do you shoot your film in sequence, or work the scheduling in such a way that all of an expensive (or high-risk) actor's scenes are together? Do you increase the chances of getting the film completed, but compromise the artistic process?

Still, that being said, I desperately wanted some more coherency from this film, to go with the stunning visuals. Way too much oblique allegory - what the heck does it all mean?

Also starring Christopher Plummer (last heard in "9"), Johnny Depp (last seen in "The Tourist"), Jude Law (last seen in "The Aviator"), Colin Farrell (last seen in "S.W.A.T."), Tom Waits (last seen in "The Cotton Club"), Verne Troyer (last seen in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"), Andrew Garfield (last seen in "Lions for Lambs"), Lily Cole, with a cameo from Peter Stormare (last seen in "Bad Boys II").

RATING: 3 out of 10 gondolas

SPOOK-O-METER: 2 out of 10 - some creepy fantasy sequences, and a not-at-all-scary devil.

Freaked

2011-10-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 282 - 10/9/11 - Movie #995

BEFORE: Two weeks ago, I knew exactly how I'd finish up the chain for the year, what my last 15 films were going to be. But sometimes watching a film sparks a connection to another film on the list, and I can't help but wonder if I should change the plan. Usually I've got a blank day or two in a month, so adding a film has little impact - but with the end in sight, if I add a film, I've got to delete another and push it into next year's plan. This is what happened after watching "Cirque du Freak", I was reminded that this film was on the list, though I had it in the "miscellaneous" category instead of horror. Back to back freakshows, I can't pass that up. And tomorrow's film is another last-minute addition, so I've got to cut two films from the final 7.

Linking's a snap, though, since Josh Hutcherson was in "Journey to the Center of the Earth" with Brendan Fraser, who was in "Furry Vengeance" with Brooke Shields.

THE PLOT: A vain actor, his best friend, and an activist end up at a mutant freak farm run by a weirdo scientist.

AFTER: Well, just like with a real freak show, you pays your money and you takes your chances. Now I'm regretting wasting one of the last slots of the year on this one.

The film is directed by Alex Winter, more famous as Bill S. Preston, Esquire from the "Bill & Ted" films. I met him a few times, for a few years he lived in the same NYC building as my boss, and so I'd occasionally share an elevator with him. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and it wasn't too hard to imagine that the elevator was a time-traveling phone booth, but I digress. Every New Yorker probably knows where a celebrity or two lives or hangs out, so maybe it's not that big a deal.

Unfortunately, it's tough to see just what he was trying to make of this film, it's almost got the tone of an "Airplane" or perhaps "Rocky Horror Picture Show", but what is it supposed to be a spoof of? Monster movies in general? Some of the designs are inventive, some seem to be tributes to the work of artist Basil Wolverton, but the humor is just strange, a lot of it seems to come out of left field, and a lot of it ends up missing the mark.

It's one of those films where I'm left scratching my head, wondering what the point was. Toxic chemicals are bad? Duh. Freaks are people, too? Nah, that doesn't seem right. Mostly this seems like it was designed to waste 80 minutes of people's time. Well, at least that's kind of short, it could have dragged on longer, I suppose. Geez, you know it's bad when the best thing I can say about a movie is that it was over pretty quickly.

Also starring William Sadler (last seen in "Kinsey, but more famous for playing the Grim Reaper in "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey"), Michael Stoyanov (last seen in "The Dark Knight", but more famous for being the older brother on "Blossom"), Randy Quaid (last seen in "Christmas Vacation"), with cameos from Mr. T (last seen in "Rocky III"), Morgan Fairchild, Bobcat Goldthwait (last seen in "Blow"), Deep Roy, Calvert DeForest (better known as Larry "Bud" Melman), and yes, that's supposedly an uncredited Keanu Reeves (last seen in "The Day the Earth Stood Still") as the dog-faced boy.

RATING: 2 out of 10 macaroons

SPOOK-O-METER: 3 out of 10, only because toxic mutations are kinda gross.

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

2011-10-08T00:04:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 281 - 10/8/11 - Movie #994

BEFORE: OK, I admit it, I screwed up - I forgot to check the celebrity birthdays for October, and if I had, I would have arranged these last few movies completely differently. I could have watched "Memoirs of an Invisible Man" today and given a Birthday SHOUT-out to Chevy Chase, and "Lord of Illusions" tomorrow on Scott Bakula's birthday would have been nice. Plus, I missed Neve Campbell's birthday by ONE DAY when I watched "The Craft", and there's an actress in tonight's film whose birthday is Oct. 11. So I temporarily forgot how well that system worked for the last 9 months, but it's too late to fix it now.

Backtracking out of the classic films, Norman Kerry was in "Tanks a Million" with Noah Beery, Jr., who was in "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" with Burt Reynolds, who was in "Boogie Nights" with John C. Reilly (last seen in "The Aviator").

THE PLOT: A young boy meets a mysterious man at a freak show who turns out to be a vampire. After a series of events Darren must leave his normal life and go on the road with the Cirque Du Freak.

AFTER: It seems an odd bit of casting, choosing John C. Reilly to play a vampire, since that type of character is generally not known to have a sense of humor. His presence does lend an accidental comic overtone, but it's an indirect one.

This movie sort of suffers from that indecision of not knowing whether it wants to be a comedy with action and horror elements, or a horror story with comic elements, so it ends up being something of an in-between muddle, afraid to push too far in any one direction.

Plus, there's a lot of work to be done on the part of the viewer, keeping all the vampire rules straight, plus the freakshow rules. A lot of vampire movies, like "Underworld", "Blade", and even "Twilight" (I presume) come along and try to re-invent the wheel, adding daystalkers and serums and all kinds of new powers. This one places an importance on sharpened fingernails, running at super-speed, and the importance of cutting off ties with family and friends.

Plus there's a vampire council, and a difference of opinion about whether vamps should kill their prey, or just drink enough blood to get by. The ones who believe in killing are called the "Vampanese", which just sounds awkward. Plus there are full vampires and half-vampires - the half-vamps can stand daylight, and guard the coffins of the full-on vampires.

The freakshow has a wolfman, a bearded lady, a guy who can eat and regurgitate anything, plus a woman who can regenerate her limbs. What, no human blockhead? No sword swallowers?

And overseeing everything is a big man named Mr. Tiny. His first name creates a play on words that makes him seem very important, but they never explain exactly who he is (Death? Fate?) or what his ultimate plan is, but he does seem to have one.

It seems like such a simple story - boy runs off and joins the circus - but there's so much going on, and so many details (most of which seem very extraneous) that the movie just gets bogged down in its own mythology. I guess this is based on a series of young adult books - did they try to cram all the details from a set of books into one movie?

Also starring Chris Massoglia, Josh Hutcherson (last seen in "Journey to the Center of the Earth"), Michael Serveris, Ray Stevenson (last seen in "The Other Guys"), with cameos from Patrick Fugit, Colleen Camp (last seen in "The Ice Storm"), Ken Watanabe (last seen in "Inception"), Salma Hayek (last seen in "54"), Orlando Jones, Frankie Faison (last seen in "Down to Earth"), Willem Dafoe (also last seen in "The Aviator"), Jane Krakowski (last seen in "The Rocker") and Kristen Schaal (last seen in "Dinner for Schmucks").

RATING: 5 out of 10

SPOOK-O-METER: 4 out of 10. The vampire stuff is pretty tame, but the werewolf is quite intense.

The Phantom of the Opera (1925)

2011-10-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 280 - 10/7/11 - Movie #993

BEFORE: From a genetic freak to a deformed one, both characters like to conduct experiments - one in a lab, and the other with musical casting ones at the Paris Opera House. Both characters live with little contact with the outside world, and both are motivated by the fairer sex. Am I reaching?

Linking actors from "The Fly II" is going to be tough, but here goes - Lee Richardson was also in "Brubaker" with Robert Redford, who was also in "Little Fauss and Big Halsey" with Noah Beery, Jr., who happened to be in the 1941 film "Tanks a Million" with Norman Kerry, who plays Raoul in tonight's film. So there.

THE PLOT: A mad, disfigured composer seeks love with a lovely young opera singer.

AFTER: I've seen the Broadway production once, and again done by a high-school cast, plus I watched the 2004 film version with Gerard Butler. So I doubt I'll find anything new in the story tonight, this is purely a follow-up for the sake of being a completist.

It's significant to note the date of this film, 1925 - that predates "Dracula", "Frankenstein", "The Wolf Man" AND "The Invisible Man". So this really kicked off Universal's parade of movie monsters, and served as the high watermark for the career of Lon Chaney.

It's also interesting to note what elements of the story were dropped from future incarnations of the story - Andrew Lloyd Webber was right to jettison Raoul's brother and Carlotta's mother - really, they serve no purpose in the story, and they're both not missed.

Future versions also portray the Phantom as a mainly attractive fellow, except for a few scars. Chaney's Phantom is a true fright, he looks like Voldemort in the middle of electro-shock therapy. I got chills when Christine ripped his mask off, and I've seen that bit dozens of times.

The ending was a little rough as well - the Phantom doesn't fare so well in this one. In the Webber version he's left alone in his underground lair, but in this one he's quite graphically beaten by a mob and tossed into the drink. Sorry, spoiler alert.

I watched a restored version, with constant music throughout (sometimes warranted by the scene, sometimes incidental) and while it wasn't completely colorized, every scene change was punctuated by a change in tint - so the underground scenes were tinted purple, the stage performances were pink, etc. Slightly more interesting than watching black and white.

But it still seems a bit futile to portray operatic performances in a silent film - audiences couldn't hear the singers, so how did they know whether Christine was better than Carlotta? Maybe this is what motivated them to add sound to the pictures, and then to invent color.

RATING: 3 out of 10 trapdoors.

SPOOK-O-METER: another 3 out of 10.

The Fly II

2011-10-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 279 - 10/6/11 - Movie #992

BEFORE: Well, the movie did set up its own sequel pretty well. Actor John Getz carries over, along with stock footage of Jeff Goldblum and a Geena Davis look-a-like. The audience was probably desperate to find out - what does a half-fly baby look like? They pulled the same stunt on the "V" mini-series back in the day...

THE PLOT: A few months after a hideously deformed Seth Brundle was mercifully killed by his lover Veronica, she dies giving birth to Seth's son Martin. Martin is raised by Seth's evil employer Anton Bartok, who requires Martin's help to solve the problems of the Telepods, believing the Telepods are the key for worldwide domination.

AFTER: I'm left wondering just how necessary this film was - I'm thinking, not very.

What does it really have to say about genetics, or science tampering with nature, or anything, really? The central character is about 1/4 fly (I guess...) - is that really enough to justify him becoming a genetic freak? Would the recessive genes really take over when he hit adulthood.

Which, in this case, is about 5 years - he ages at an accelerated rate, like the kids on soap operas so they can get them into dating storylines quicker. (Kids on soap operas age faster, and people in comic books don't age at all.)

Speaking of comic books, I was just telling someone yesterday about a Spider-Man storyline called "Disassembled" a few years back, in which Spider-Man mutated into a giant spider, and after emerging from a cocoon-like state, Peter Parker looked normal, but had gained the power to shoot webbing from his wrists (to more closely match the Spider-Man seen in the Raimi movies). Problem was, the different Spider-Man writers apparently didn't communicate with each other, and 6 months later they did a storyline called "The Other", in which Spider-Man appeared to die, but instead entered a cocoon-like state, from which he emerged with even more new powers. The character determined it was probably a "once-in-a-lifetime" event, except a nearly similar event had occured just a few months prior. Whoopsie.

Anyway, the Spider-Man stuff is bogus, because a bite from a spider wouldn't change someone's DNA. How many people have been bitten by snakes and not turned into snakes, or snake-men? I know, it was a radioactive spider, but radiation doesn't give people powers or change their DNA, radiation makes people sick. But I guess The Amazing Cancer-Man wouldn't sell many books.

As for Martin Brundle, who spends his nights in a windowless room, with little contact with the outside world, conducting pointless experiments to keep himself entertained - I feel ya, buddy.

Well, keep working on those teleporters, you'll get it right eventually. And at least sadistic security guards, and people who are cruel to lab animals get what they deserve, we hope.

Starring Eric Stoltz (last seen in "Rob Roy"), Daphne Zuniga (last seen in "The Sure Thing"), Lee Richardson (last seen in "Prizzi's Honor").

RATING: 2 out of 10 hidden cameras

SPOOK-O-METER: 4 out of 10.

The Fly (1986)

2011-10-04T23:49:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 278 - 10/45/11 - Movie #991

BEFORE: Tonight's Hollywood junk science involves teleportation - or at least, that's how it starts out. DNA combining comes later, right? I feel like I've heard so much about this film over the years, but I've never watched it through, so it's all about being thorough.

Lots of linking possibilities tonight - I could have connected Chevy Chase with Randy Quaid through the "Vacation" movies, then gone through "Independence Day" to get to Jeff Goldblum (last seen in "Powder"), or mention the fact that Stephen Tobolowsky was also in "Thelma & Louise" with Geena Davis, but the best connection is through Michael McKean, who was in "Earth Girls Are Easy" with both Goldblum AND Davis.

THE PLOT: A brilliant but eccentric scientist begins to transform into a giant man/fly hybrid after one of his experiments goes horribly wrong.

AFTER: Yeah, eating a late dinner right before watching this - not a good idea.

You know, if your average scientist invented a working teleportation device that could transport inanimate matter across great distances (OK, 15 feet, but still), he'd see the opportunity to do FedEx and DHL one better. Overnight service? Forget that, what about when it absolutely, positively has to be there right NOW?

But not Seth Brundle - he's not happy unless his device can also transport living people. He hates flying, I guess, and wants to put the airlines out of business. I can't say as I blame him, planes do go down, don't tell me it doesn't happen. I maintain that Man wasn't meant to fly, either in a plane or with wings coming out of his back.

Brundle hopes to get a "buzz" going over his new invention, so he decides to stop "monkeying" around with lower primate test subjects, and "wing" it by stepping into the device himself. OK, I'll stop with the puns, but you see where I'm going with this, right? There's a bug in the system, literally, hence the title.

Again, I'm no scientist, I can't tell you what would happen when your machine decides to give you a pair of designer genes (sorry) and make you half a fly. Would it play out like this? I have no idea. But maybe they should make those scientists who want to genetically modify our potatoes watch this film.

But, there's balance in the world of sci-fi - for every BrundleFly, there's a Spider-Man. Gaining the proportionate strength, speed and reflexes of a spider, along with webbing and the ability to stick to surfaces sounds like a pretty good trade-off, and all it cost him was one elderly uncle, his dignity, and the ability to sustain a long-term relationship.

There's a famous thought experiment using teleporters, which posits that if a man enters a teleporter and is broken down into composite atoms, essentially, at that point he's dead by disintegration. (We're assuming here that the matter gets converted into energy, and the same or a similar energy is then converted into matter at the other end.) Even if you could re-integrate the atoms in another location, and reassemble a man that looks, talks, and presumably thinks like who you started with, one school of thought says you've created a copy, not the man himself. Or have you? Does it matter whether the teleporter is transferring energy, or merely a genetic blueprint to re-create on the other side?

Also starring John Getz (last seen in "Born on the Fourth of July").

RATING: 4 out of 10 camcorders

SPOOK-O-METER: 6 out of 10. Creepy man-fly is creepy.

Memoirs of an Invisible Man

2011-10-04T00:35:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 277 - 10/4/11 - Movie #990

BEFORE: OK, so it's not a straight horror movie, it's more like a throwaway 90's spy comedy, I'll wager. But it probably directly riffs off of last night's film, and linking by actors is relatively easy - Gloria Stuart was also in "Wildcats" with Goldie Hawn, who was in "Foul Play" with Chevy Chase (last seen in "Modern Problems").

THE PLOT: After a freak accident, an invisible yuppie runs for his life from a treacherous CIA official while trying to cope with his new life.

AFTER: In the original 1933 film, the invisibility potion came from some weird Indian plant pigment - something that turned a dog white, but with further refinement, could be injected under the skin of a man and make him transparent. Even assuming we're not talking about bending light waves or any impossible physics, from what I know of optics and color theory, white light is not the absence of color, it's the presence of all color wavelengths. Light has additive color properties, meaning that if the Invisible Man wasn't emitting any light, he should appear as a dark void.

However, with pigments, dyes and inks, color takes on subtractive properties - meaning that the sky is blue for a different reason than, say, a car is blue. A car painted blue appears blue because it's absorbing all light wavelengths except the blue ones. And in the case of paints, crayons, etc., the properties are reversed - so white is the absence of color and black the presence of all colors - which is why a black car gets hotter in the summer, it's absorbing more light/heat.

Even with this codicil, however, it's still got to be impossible to subtract enough color to make an man invisible, right? Maybe transparent like a jellyfish, but not invisible. Tonight's junk science dispatches all this, and our main character gets bombarded with radiation from a science experiment (yes, that old bugaboo) and his molecules are "in flux". Still pretty impossible, but whatever.

It's interesting to note that special effects did improve over the years - so by 1992 they had green-screening and ultimatte down pretty well. Around that time I was working on music videos as a P.A., and my morning job on shoot days was to paint the studio walls that very particular shade of green. (or blue, if we were working with a green Muppet or something) I lost several pairs of pants to that icky green color, that you've probably seen briefly during the weather report.

There is some suspense in this film as the CIA hunts down Nick Halloway, the updated Invisible Man. Any tension comes from the black-ops team with their heat-vision goggles and their tranq darts, and the knowledge we all have regarding what the CIA is capable of. But it's pretty unclear - do they want to capture and contain him, or use him as the ultimate secret agent?

Halloway just wants to get returned to normal - and maybe spy on a hot girl getting ready for bed. (See, I told you...)

The whole thing is narrated like a classic film noir, but that's where the similarities end. When you try to make a film that's action, suspense and comedy all rolled into one, you might just get a comedy that isn't very funny, or an action film that doesn't take itself seriously enough.

NITPICK POINT: As in the classic 1933 film, the Invisible Man points out that if he eats food, you can see it in his stomach for about an hour, until it gets digested - at which point it's presumably part of him, and therefore also invisible. But any food in his mouth, throat or stomach is surrounded by invisible body parts - so wouldn't it be invisible too? The light would be bent around it, or the radiation would also affect it, right?

NITPICK POINT #2: Sometimes Halloway is wearing visible clothing, and sometimes he's wearing clothing that's also invisible. Of course, since sometimes we the audience can see the character (even though he can't see himself), we wouldn't want to look at a naked Chevy Chase for 90 minutes, but still. Was this the clothing he was wearing when he was irradiated? And if so, how does he keep finding it, if it's invisible?

Also starring Daryl Hannah (last seen in "Legal Eagles"), Sam Neill (last seen in "Bicentennial Man"), Michael McKean (last seen in "Jack"), Stephen Tobolowsky (last seen in "Mississippi Burning"), with cameos from Rosalind Chao (last seen in "Going Berserk") and Patricia Heaton (last seen in "Space Jam").

RATING: 4 out of 10 trenchcoats

SPOOK-O-METER: 0 out of 10, unless you count the rogue actions of the CIA, which should scare us all as U.S. citizens. But not in a Halloween-y kind of way.

The Invisible Man (1933)

2011-10-03T00:36:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 276 - 10/3/11 - Movie #989

BEFORE: A true classic tonight, going back to the early days of monster movies. And it's a compact 71-minute film, which is great since we hosted a little party last night, and I'm short on time this morning. (Yes, after midnight is the best time to watch horror movies, no?)

Linking to this film was surprisingly easy, since Skeet Ulrich was in "As Good as it Gets" with Jack Nicholson, who was in "The Departed" with Leonardo DiCaprio, who was in "Titanic" with Gloria Stuart (last seen in "My Favorite Year"). Yes, the old lady from "Titanic" was young once, and she was in this classic film. A 72-year career in film is quite respectable.

THE PLOT: A scientist finds a way of becoming invisible, but in doing so, he becomes murderously insane.

AFTER: Ah, isn't that always the way - the formula that gives a man invisibility also makes him insane - where's the fun without that? But you'd think that a man with the smarts to invent the invisibility potion would also think to do it in summertime - since he's going to be walking around naked a lot of the time. This guy has his scientific breakthrough in the dead of winter, and I guess waiting until springtime to try it out is simply out of the question.

So is heading for the women's dormitory, or anything of a really prurient nature - which, come on, is the reason why a man would invent an invisibility potion. But such things weren't spoken of in movies back in the 1930's. A naked man walking around town was probably shocking enough.

The acting here is quite overblown - I suspect the main character was told to over-compensate for the fact that he wasn't appearing on film most of the time - so he essentially had to act through a voice performance alone. The females in the film, however, are also guilty of over-acting - they're always just one line away from breaking into hysterics, as women of the time were apparently likely to do.

The effects are laughable by today's standards, but were probably cutting edge at the time. Although some wire-work was done to move objects supposedly being used by the Invisible Man, also some even cheaper prop-tossing, there seems to be a very early version of green-screening or matting used, when he was partially dressed. A floating shirt would be hard to fake back then, unless a real body was inside it, with the head and hands matted out.

Plus, I have to point out a severe over-reliance on newspaper headlines and radio broadcasts to advance the storyline. I suppose it makes sense, since we can't see the main character much of the time anyway - but still, film is a visual medium at the end of the day. Show us what's happening, don't just tell us about it.

I went back to my 2009 review of "Hollow Man", which was really just an updated version of this film - albeit with much fancier effects. I rated that film a "6", which helps for comparison's sake (plus it reminded me to drag out the ol' Spook-o-meter, which I forgot to do these last few nights).

The Invisible Man speaks of developing his formula, and describes the process as "A thousand nights, a thousand failures." Ouch, that really hit home for me, because with a few notable exceptions, that sort of describes my movie-watching adventures. I know I'm tough on films, so I suspect that if the scores were all tallied up, I'd find I gave out many more ratings on the lower half of the scale.

NITPICK POINT: A man comes to the police, telling them the Invisible Man is in his barn - he can't see him, but he can hear him snoring. The Chief Inspector determines that they can't possibly enter the barn to arrest him. Umm, why not? Can't you follow the snoring and tie him up when he's vulnerable? The Inspector's solution? Burn down the barn. How does THAT motivate people to turn the Invisible Man in?

NITPICK POINT #2: I realize he's insane, but how exactly is the Invisible Man going to take over the world with his powers? Sure, he can spy on people and learn their secrets, but that only takes him so far. What's he going to do, assassinate 4 billion people, one by one? Get elected leader of the world? I'm just not seeing how he's going to get from point A to point B here.

Also starring Claude Rains (last seen in "The Wolf Man"), William Harrigan, Henry Travers (more famous for playing Clarence the Angel in "It's a Wonderful Life").

RATING: 3 out of 10 bandages

SPOOK-O-METER: 1 out of 10. The Invisible Man's just not up there with Dracula and the Wolfman. What is he going to do, just disappear on you?

The Craft

2011-10-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 275 - 10/2/11 - Movie #988

BEFORE: Full disclosure - I taped this to put on a DVD with "The Sorcerer's Apprentice", and I must have confused it with the film "Little Witches", which I'd seen before. So I've now realized that this film is in the collection, and I've never seen it. I got lucky with the linking tonight, since character actor Vincent Schiavelli from "Lord of Illusions" was also in "Valmont" with Fairuza Balk (last seen in "The Waterboy"). If I hadn't noticed that, I would have had to link from Famke Janssen to Salma Hayek through "The Faculty", and from Hayek to Neve Campbell through "54".

THE PLOT: A newcomer to a Catholic prep high school falls in with a trio of outcast teenage girls who practice witchcraft and they conjure up various spells and curses against those who anger them.

AFTER: Geez, that's a good summary from the IMDB - tells you everything you need to know, and you (almost) don't even need to watch the movie after reading that!

The film opens with a cover of the Beatles song "Tomorrow Never Knows", performed by Our Lady Peace - so that got my attention right off. (covers of The Cars song "Dangerous Type" and Peter Gabriel's "I Have the Touch" are also heard later on) And the film is the story of 4 parochial school girls having sleepovers and experimenting with magic. OK, I'm really paying attention now...

But, it wasn't enough to hold my interest for very long. These girls got into the witchcraft game to get in touch with nature, but ended up using the spells to make themselves look prettier, get the attention of boys, and get revenge on the "mean girls" in school. Umm, don't they then become the mean girls themselves? See, they're not even self-aware enough to realize that. Petty bitches. I mean, witches.

Things go awry when their spells start to actually work - making a boy into one girl's love-slave, making the hair of one girl's enemy fall out. That girl was a racist, you see, so she deserves to lose her beauty (I guess), but if a cause-effect relationship between the two things isn't pointed out, how's she supposed to make the connection and realize the error of her ways? A better revenge would have been to cause some kind of tanning accident that would have made her skin really dark, then maybe she'd get it.

Unfortunately, one girl's wish was to have all the power of Manon, supposedly the big cheese in the magic world, without realizing that a person isn't supposed to have that much power. So she goes a little crazy, and the new girl has to become a "true witch" to put her in her place.

Eh, I lost interest about halfway through. Can't believe there's no porn version of this one - there's a porn version of "The Facts of Life", for chrissakes.

Also starring Robin Tunney (last seen in "The Darwin Awards"), Rachel True, Skeet Ulrich (last seen in "Armored"), Christine Taylor (last seen in "License to Wed"), Breckin Meyer (also last seen in "54"), with a cameo from Helen Shaver (last seen in "The Color of Money").

RATING: 3 out of 10 spellbooks

SPOOK-O-METER: 6 out of 10. Lots of creepy things - snakes, rats, and cock-a-roaches.

Lord of Illusions

2011-10-01T00:04:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 274 - 10/1/11 - Movie #987

BEFORE: Seeing James Gammon always reminds me of his role as the Indians coach in "Major League" - so lets link from him to his co-star in that film, Corbin Bernsen, who was also in the sequel "Major League: Back to the Minors" with Scott Bakula (last seen in "The Informant!") and kick off Shocktoberfest with this film about a cult leader.

THE PLOT: During a routine case in L.A., NY private investigator Harry D'Amour stumbles over members of a fanatic cult, who are waiting for the resurrection of their leader Nix.

AFTER: It's even harder to take this one at face value than it was with "The Cell" - I'm expected to believe that magic is real, that a man can be resurrected after being buried for 13 years, and a whole lot more.

But yet certain points remain unclear - was Nix an insane man, a god, a demon, or just a magician? Sorry, illusionist... Some of the magic in this film turns out to be achieved by really simple methods (holograms? really?) and some of it is never explained, like those wacky floating triangles that seem like they'd be more at home in a horror film from the go-go 1970's.

And it's tough to carry on serious P.I. work when people around you are levitating and shooting fire from their hands. Walking away from a four-story drop, and surviving 13 years underground seem pretty inexplicable too - unless some other forms of trickery are involved. But that's why Bakula's character, Harry D'Amour, seems so cool - he's known for getting involved in these supernatural cases - notice how the job that brought him to L.A. gets pretty much abandoned as soon as he gets a whiff of some occult goings-on.

To the people who joined the cult, both in the flashback sequences and the present-day ones: what did you THINK was going to happen? Did you join the death cult just for the snacks? Thursday Bingo night?

The idea of an illusionist's trick going wrong on stage is a good one, though - and the idea of there being more to that than meets the eye is another good one. But some of the ideas connected to that are even more far-fetched than a man with real magical powers. That's all I'll say without spoilers. And that people with no eyebrows look creepy.

Also starring Famke Janssen (last seen in "I Spy"), Kevin J. O'Connor (last seen in "There Will Be Blood"), Daniel Van Bargen (last seen in "Crimson Tide"), with a cameo from Vincent Schiavelli (last seen in "The Frisco Kid").

RATING: 3 out of 10 tattoos

SPOOK-O-METER: 7 out of 10. Fairly high due to graphic demonic imagery, a few brutal deaths, and some tripped-out dream sequences.

The Cell

2011-09-30T19:09:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 273 - 9/30/11 - Movie #986

BEFORE: From a sociopath to a psychopath, and yes, there is a difference... Linking from "Falling Down", Robert Duvall was in "Kicking & Screaming" with Will Ferrell, who was in at least three films ("Old School", "Wedding Crashers", "Anchorman", take your pick) with Vince Vaughn (last seen in "Couples Retreat").

THE PLOT: An FBI agent persuades a social worker to enter the mind of a comatose serial killer in order to learn where he has hidden his latest kidnap victim.

AFTER: I'm really split down the middle on this one - because the idea is so wildly inventive, but also very impossible. (Although, there was something in the news the other day about people's dream waves being turned into video, so who knows...) Plus it's thrilling, but also disturbing. Exciting, but scary.

This is a bit like "Silence of the Lambs" (race to find the kidnapped girl), mixed with the Black Lodge sequences from "Twin Peaks" (which also featured a killer singing "Mairzy Doats", oddly enough) with a bit of the dreamscape from "What Dreams May Come".

I've got great respect for Vincent D'Onofrio (last seen in "Impostor"), who plays the psycho-killer here. I'm currently watching the last season of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent", which might be some of his best work. "Full Metal Jacket", "Men in Black", plus he's played Orson Welles a couple times, and I have to respect that - he seems like a real actor's actor.

I actually failed watching this in the early a.m., and I fell asleep just as the film was getting good, when we get to see the inside of the killer's mind for the first time. When that happens, I bring the DVD to work with me, and I finished it after closing time. Considering the disturbing imagery, it's probably better that I didn't see some of that stuff right before bedtime.

Plus there's some stuff here that isn't really explained - what were those weird towels with the microcircuitry that they had to put on their faces? How did those things help with the process? And why did they have to be suspended by wires? Falling asleep in a bed or on a table wouldn't work?

I'm kicking off the October horror movies a day early, but that's OK - it will all work out in the end, and I should bring this baby in right on time with movie #1000.

Also starring Jennifer Lopez (last seen in "Out of Sight"), Dylan Baker (last seen in "Kinsey"), Marianne Jean-Baptiste (last seen in "Spy Game"), Jake Weber (last seen in "Meet Joe Black", here playing a cop named Gordon Ramsey, odd...), with a cameo from James Gammon (last seen in an uncredited role in "Cool Hand Luke").

RATING: 5 out of 10 staircases

Falling Down

2011-09-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 272 - 9/29/11 - Movie #985

BEFORE: Good news, I got the Turner Classic Movies channel back - it was weird, I was only missing that channel and the IFC Channel (now with ads, so it got removed from my rotation). So I missed "Spartacus", but I got "All Quiet on the Western Front". Why couldn't the damn Lifetime channel be knocked out?

Wrapping up Michael Douglas chain tonight - my wife recommended this movie, so it's been on the list as long as there's BEEN a list.

THE PLOT: An unemployed defense worker frustrated with the various flaws he sees in society, begins to psychotically and violently lash out against them.

AFTER: This is a tough one, because I want to sympathize with a guy who's been beaten down by the system, having a tough go of things in his personal life, and annoyed by all sorts of life's little...um, annoyances. Certainly I've had my share of run-ins with people who cut in line at the deli, or are "loud-talkers", or who over-use the word "actually", to the point where I just want to strangle them.

But you know what? I don't strangle them. I leave most people alone, except for those who insist on shoveling snow from their sidewalk into the street - when the plow just finished getting it OUT of the street. But I digress. I got myself an iPhone and some headphones, so if people are talking stupid on the subway, or discussing the endings of movies I haven't seen, I plug in. I probably turn the volume up too loud, so I'm probably annoying other people in the process, which is somewhat ironic.

Sorry, we're here to talk about the film, not me. Michael Douglas's character ditches his car in the middle of a traffic jam, and heads for "home". Home, in this case, is his ex-wife's house and his daughter's birthday party. There's apparently trouble at the end of that road, since he's essentially stalking his ex - but he encounters even more trouble along the way, walking through L.A.'s gangland.

He loses it in a convenience store, he loses it in a burger joint (spot the pattern?) and acquires a duffel bag full of guns - nope, I don't see how this could possibly end well. These actions are intercut with scenes from a veteran cop's last day (oops, another movie cliché that usually doesn't end well) and from what we know about parallel editing, these two storylines are destined to collide with each other.

Part of us wants to root for the crazy guy, because he's been kicked around and downtrodden, and haven't we all? But we should be rooting for the cop, even though he's a bit of a screw-up (well, he MEANS well), he's got one last chance to end his career on a high note and do some respectable detective work.

It's tough (and a little questionable) to have a central character who's this much of an anti-hero - "Law Abiding Citizen" had to work around the same bugaboo - but let's call him what he is. He's a terrorist, as much as McVeigh or the Unabomber was - the scene where he shoots up the WhammyBurger pretty much settles the deal.

We've seen it happen in the news - and we wonder how it happens. Maybe the better question is, why doesn't it happen more often? I haven't heard of a postal worker losing it in quite a while, and we even named the process "going postal" in honor of them. What changed at the post office to make it a less hostile working environment?

What's the other thing you hear when people go off their nut like this? "He was a quiet guy, kept pretty much to himself, never caused any trouble..." Why don't you ever hear people interviewed after someone snaps, saying things like, "Yeah, that guy was wound way too tight, gave everybody grief. We always knew he'd explode, so we just tried to stay out of his way."?

"It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for." You've heard that, right? It that because the loud, dangerous ones are already locked up? Or does it say more about the kind of person who bottles up everything inside and doesn't have some kind of strategic release for their emotions?

If so, I urge you, find a release - write letters to the editor, pop some bubble wrap, spend some time at the shooting range, whatever it takes.

My main issues with the film are the inherit racist and homophobic acts - I realize it's a fine line, how do you depict these biases without the film itself becoming racist or homophobic?

Also starring Robert Duvall (last seen in "John Q"), Barbara Hershey (last seen in "The Right Stuff"), Rachel Ticotin (last seen in "Turbulence"), Tuesday Weld (last seen in "Thief").

RATING: 4 out of 10 payphones

The Ghost and the Darkness

2011-09-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 271 - 9/28/11 - Movie #984

BEFORE: From the urban jungle of Wall Street to a different kind of jungle. OK, so it's set on the African savannah, technically not a jungle, but you get the idea.

I tried to add the film "Spartacus" to my list last night, starring Michael's father, Kirk Douglas, but the DVR wouldn't record it - for some reason Turner Classic Movies wasn't working, I got 3 1/2 hours of a blank screen. Thanks, T.W. Cable! I guess the movie gods don't want that film on my list at this time, though I consider it one of the more egregious omissions from my life-list.

THE PLOT: Set in 1898, this movie is based on the true story of two lions in Africa that killed 130 people over a nine month period, while a bridge engineer and an experienced old hunter tried to kill them.

AFTER: This seems like the kind of movie that would have been made in response to "Out of Africa" winning the Best Picture Oscar - but it was released 11 years later so that theory doesn't really hold up. But it is sort of like "Out of Africa" without the romance, plus some of "The Bridge on the River Kwai" minus the war story. Plus add two hungry lions for good measure. So it's really more like "Jaws" without the ocean.

Michael Douglas plays a game-hunter here, brought in to help a group of bridge-builders (literal ones, not figurative) who are being menaced by lions. Or taken another way, it's the story of two plucky lions struggling to survive in the wilderness, and all they have to eat are a bunch of stringy, non-meaty African rail-workers. Your call.

I'm trying to get to some larger meaning here, but it's tough. Something about colonial Imperialism in the late 1800's, or man vs. nature. Man vs. his inner demons? Could the lions represent something more than a pair of giant man-eating felines? Tough to say. Maybe there's nothing more going on under the surface, and the best way to sum it up is to say "Somedays you eat the lion, and somedays the lion eats you." Why, thanks, mysterious mustached cowboy at the bowling alley bar! Much obliged.

My BFF Andy was in town last night, and we had a conversation about visual effects - how you sometimes can't tell these days what's an FX shot and what isn't. These days it's cheaper to build a CGI city to get the buildings looking just the way you want them then it is to wait 2 days for the right weather conditions. But since this film was released in 1996 it seems more like the opposite is true here - IMDB is telling me that 99% of the scenes used real lions, except for one sequence that used animatronics (from the great Stan Winston). However, given the level of danger involved, even working with trained lions, I suspect that there were a few CGI or post-FX lion shots (Digital Domain's presence in the credits is a bit of a giveaway) - show me the stuntman willing to have a lion pounce on him...

NITPICK POINT: The lead character seems to know a great deal about African wildlife, odd facts about giraffes and hippos. So why doesn't he know that a lion can climb a damn tree?

Also starring Val Kilmer (last seen in "The Missing"), Tom Wilkinson (last seen in "The Name of the Father"), Emily Mortimer, Bernard Hill (last seen in "The Scorpion King"), and John Kani (shocked to learn that wasn't Djimon Hounsou - but no, his big break came in "Amistad", released 1 year later)

RATING: 3 out of 10 girders

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

2011-09-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 270 - 9/27/11 - Movie #983

BEFORE: What started out as a Michael Douglas chain has rapidly turned into a treatise on questionable morals - and I expect that trend to continue tonight.

THE PLOT: Now out of prison but still disgraced by his peers, Gordon Gekko works his future son-in-law, an idealistic stock broker, when he sees an opportunity to take down a Wall Street enemy and rebuild his empire.

AFTER: It's an updated look at what goes on behind the scenes at financial trading companies, but even with all I've read in the news, it's a world that I know very little about. There are nods here to the collapses of top financial firms just a couple years ago, prompted by credit swaps, leveraging (still not sure what that is), and plain old greed. I'm not sure, but some of that stuff feels a little tacked on here, not just as a take on current events, but as a way of injecting some morality and blame for our double-dip recession.

But as a movie, it's all about consistency - or at least, it should be. Oh, characters can change over the course of time, but it has to be warranted and justified. For Gordon Gekko to say "Greed is good" in the original film, then spend a few years in prison and then warn of impending fiscal collapse, it seems like the character might have undergone a genuine epiphany, and not just because we know that he's right. But then to have him turn around and go back to his own ways, it seems like an inconsistent message - greed was good, then greed was bad, now it's good again?

Unless that's really who he is, underneath it all, a cold-hearted snake. If so, then that is a form of consistency, however disappointing it may be. Just when we think he might have learned something and seen the error in his ways, he reverts to form. Does he really believe that time is actually the greatest commodity, or is that just more lip service?

There are plenty of other inconsistencies as well - spreading false rumors about another company is bad. Unless a good character does it, which makes it OK? He's only doing it for revenge, not profit - is that bad, or good? Come on, movie, be consistent!

Some of the plot here also deals with types of energy investment - and our hero pitches a new clean form of fusion, so that's good, right? Or wait, isn't solar the good one? But is he pitching it because it's green (clean), or because it's green (profitable)? Yes. So why does everyone else in the movie still interested in off-shore drilling? Didn't they get the memo?

The film is set in 2008, so one has to wonder about the effect of two more recent events - 1) the BP oil spill, and its effect on the marketplace, and 2) the collapse of Solyndra, a solar firm that was central to the president's new energy plan, but seems to have gone the way of Enron.

But really, this film is not about energy - they could have just as easily be trading shares in a car company, food company, or a widget company. It's about getting revenge while getting back on top. Gekko also tries to re-connect with his daughter through her fiancé, who he (sort of) takes under his wing. Or was he playing him too?

I'm not sure this did much more than continue the original story - it's hard to say for sure if it advanced it much, though.

NITPICK POINT: OK, I can see how someone might mispronounce the word "piranha" - and I was also bothered by a character mispronouncing "Antarctica" by leaving out the first "C". It's wrong, but a lot of people say it that way. But who mispronounces the word "Satan"? Someone in this film said it like "satin", and that's just weird.

Also starring Shia LaBeouf (last seen in "New York, I Love You"), Carey Mulligan (last seen in "Public Enemies"), Josh Brolin (last seen in "True Grit"), Frank Langella (last seen in "The Ninth Gate"), Eli Wallach (last seen in "The Misfits"), Susan Sarandon (last seen in "The Lovely Bones"), Austin Pendleton, with cameos from Charlie Sheen (last seen in "The Rookie"), Sylvia Miles, Warren Buffett, Graydon Carter, Maria Bartiromo.

RATING: 3 out of 10 bottles of champagne

The Star Chamber

2011-09-26T00:43:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 269 - 9/26/11 - Movie #982

BEFORE: Michael Douglas carries over, as does the theme of fighting crime inside and outside the system. Though I've watched a bunch of legal films, my main source of legal knowledge is still "Law & Order" - though less so since they cancelled 3 of the 4 shows in the franchise.

Thanks to that, and a few other cancellations ("Smallville", "Rescue Me"), I'm down to just 13 hours of network TV per week - that's what I save to VHS to watch later, since I'm 4 months behind. Part of my job is scanning through TV shows, but what I scan through is much greater than what I watch in real time. I vowed last season, and again this season, to not pick up any new shows until some more of my favorites finish their runs, or until I finish the movie project.

I'm down to: the 3 CSI's, Law & Order: SVU, The Amazing Race, the Fox Sunday animation line-up, the NBC Thursday comedy line-up, and Kitchen Nightmares. In the second tier is any competition show that involves cooking (Top Chef, Iron Chef, Hell's Kitchen, Chopped, Cupcake Wars), singing (American Idol, America's Got Talent, maybe X-Factor), or shooting (Top Shot). Then in the 3rd tier are shows like Dirty Jobs, Mythbusters, Shark Tank, Wipeout, Bizarre Foods, Man vs. Food, Restaurant: Impossible, and a few cartoons like Futurama and Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Yeah, it seems like a lot. It's hard to believe, but I have cut back.

This season's new shows look like another bunch of crap - I've got no interest in more procedurals like Unforgettable or Person of Interest, or the new "comedies" like Free Agents or Last Man Standing. And do we need TWO different shows, Grimm and Once Upon a Time, riffing off fairy tales? Surprisingly, I've also got no interest in the new show involving time travel (Terra Nova) or the one about stewardesses (Pan Am), or even the one about Playboy bunnies. Plus, the new Charlie's Angels doesn't even look that hot - it looks like they took all the sexy out of it, after Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu worked so hard putting it back in...

THE PLOT: Disgusted with criminals escaping the judicial system via technicalities, an idealistic young judge investigates an alternative method for punishing the guilty.

AFTER: Wow, you know the legal system is broken when even the judges don't think that justice is being served. What year was this made - 1983? Does that coincide with the start of the Libertarian Party, or something? Reagan was president back then - weren't we as a country getting tougher on crime?

Michael Douglas plays a judge (really?) who is forced by the letter of the law to dismiss some high-profile cases, which causes him to lose faith in the system. Funny, I thought that a judge could rule however he wanted - isn't that the point of a trial? But here he feels that if he were to continue the case, his decision would only get overturned on appeal, so what's the point of continuing?

Hell, by that reasoning, what's the point of doing anything? Why put criminals in jail? They're only going to learn better criminal techniques from the other convicts, and go right back to crime when they get out. Why arrest anyone, if their lawyers are going to plead their cases, and maybe get them off the hook.

My point is, some of the logic in the film seems a bit flawed. The gathering of judges who decide to review these old cases, where guilty people CLEARLY got away with murder, seeks to balance the scales - but perhaps they never heard that old saw about two wrongs not making a right. (But three rights make a left - think about it...)

The problem is, they only review the cold, hard facts of the case - and since they've got a hitman on retainer, they're maybe a little too eager to declare people guilty, and deserving of vigilante justice. Or they're just doing it to feel like they're making a difference - in which case action's going to feel better than inaction, and that's probably affecting their decisions as well.

Hey, remember that time we all got together and had that guy executed - but it turned out he didn't kill anyone, it was just a mistake? Hi-LAR-ious! Yeah, not so much.

Also starring Hal Holbrook (last seen in "Magnum Force"), Yaphet Kotto (last seen in "The Thomas Crown Affair"), Sharon Gless (last seen in "Airport 1975"), James Sikking (last seen in "The Electric Horseman"), Joe Regalbuto, with cameos from character actors Larry Hankin (last seen in "Armed and Dangerous"), Jack Kehoe, David Proval (later played Richie Aprile on "The Sopranos") and also Otis Day (from "Animal House").

RATING: 4 out of 10 class photos

Black Rain

2011-09-25T01:35:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 268 - 9/25/11 - Movie #981

BEFORE: Back refreshed after a week's break, ready to watch the last few films of the year. I did a lot in the last week, went to a beer festival and a beer dinner as part of NYC Craft Beer Week, took my boss out for a belated birthday dinner, started reading a book (you know, those paper things we used to read before DVDs came around), bagged up some comic books, and got caught up on some TV (still 4 months behind, though, and about to reach last season's finales on some of my shows). But I got a taste of life after this project ends, and I am looking forward to having free time again.

Fortunately I can link thematically from where I left off - "True Grit" was about tracking a criminal through Indian territory, and this one's about tracking a criminal through the Japanese underworld. Plus I can send the Birthday SHOUT-out to Michael Douglas (last seen in "The In-Laws"), born 9/25/1944. And linking actors is easy, too, since Matt Damon was in the "Ocean's Eleven" films with Andy Garcia (last seen in "New York, I Love You"). It's almost like I planned it this way...

THE PLOT: Two New York cops get involved in a gang war between members of the Yakuza, the Japanese Mafia.

AFTER: This is a cop film that does for Japan what "Crocodile Dundee" did for Australia. Whatever cultural touchstones Americans are aware of that relate to Japan find a way to show up in the film. See Michael Douglas's character eat sushi! Watch Andy Garcia's character sing karaoke! The investigation manages to swing by the fish market, and the noodle shops - you know, because stereotypes are really just big time-savers, after all. All Japanese criminals ride Suzuki motorcycles and know how to wield Samurai swords, it turns out.

Maybe I just had a little trouble finding my rhythm again, but I found some of the police work hard to follow - you know, the investigating that gets them from place to place. It's great that you could track the Japanese crimelords down, now how about telling the audience how you did it? Then again, I did doze off once or twice (not a good sign for an action film) so maybe I missed something. I did rewind (do we still say "rewind" relating to a DVD?) but you never know.

NITPICK POINT: The American cop, even in plain-clothes, sticks out like a sore thumb in the streets of Japan. Maybe he's not the best person to be tailing someone through the city...

NITPICK POINT #2: The title refers to the weather after the atomic bombs were dropped on Japan. I can see how this might have affected the people who were alive at the time, but using it as a justification for why a much younger man is a murderer and thief? I didn't quite get the connection there.

Also starring Kate Capshaw, Ken Takakura (last seen in "Mr. Baseball"), with cameos from John Spencer (last seen in "Presumed Innocent"), Luis Guzman (last seen in "Out of Sight"), Stephen Root (last seen in "Bicentennial Man").

RATING: 5 out of 10 rice fields

True Grit (2010)

2011-09-16T11:02:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 259 - 9/16/11 - Movie #980

BEFORE: Another Western, with a similar theme in that it's all about tracking someone down. And linking is simple since Tommy Lee Jones from "The Missing" was also in "No Country for Old Men" with Josh Brolin (last seen in "Jonah Hex"), who appears here.

I had thought that this film would be on premium cable by now, but it's still on Pay-Per-View, so I shelled out $5 so I could watch this back-to-back with "The Missing" (I do, and do, and do for you people...)

THE PLOT: A tough U.S. Marshal helps a stubborn young woman track down her father's murderer.

AFTER: Well, I thought that "Out of Sight" felt like a Coen brothers film, and this is a Coen brothers film that feels like, I don't know, a John Ford film? I admit I have not seen the original "True Grit" with John Wayne (though I did read the MAD magazine parody) - I'm not a fan of John Wayne like my father-in-law is.

There is something of the Coen brothers spirit from films like "Fargo" and "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" that shines through - you can count on criminals acting stupid, and fighting with each other, and you can also count on big, broad goofy acting strokes - it's almost a wonder that Rooster Cogburn wasn't played by John Goodman. But Jeff Bridges (last seen in "Jagged Edge") is fine, he is sort of getting up there in years, and playing a drunk in "The Big Lebowski" could be seen as a fine warm-up for this.

It's a servicable enough story, the quest to track down the criminal, the search for vengeance, the sacrifice made to put things right. I did appreciate that the quest took place in Indian territory, but Indians weren't portrayed as the weirdo villains who have bizarre mystical ways - in fact I think they may have been absent from this film altogether.

Also starring Matt Damon (last seen in "Chasing Amy"), Hailee Steinfeld, Barry Pepper (last seen in "Flags of Our Fathers"), and a vocal cameo from J.K. Simmons (last seen in "The Jackal").

RATING: 7 out of 10 cornbreads

I'm taking a week off from the blog, since tonight is the kick-off of NYC Craft Beer Week, and it's difficult to maintain both a movie schedule and a drinking schedule at the same time. This will push the last round of horror films into October, which works thematically for Halloween - I'll be not-so-coincidentally back on Michael Douglas' birthday, September 25.

The Missing

2011-09-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 258 - 9/15/11 - Movie #979

BEFORE: A thematic jump, perhaps, from a crime film to a Western - but I wanted to send the next Birthday SHOUT-out to Tommy Lee Jones (last seen in "A Prairie Home Companion"), who's turning 65 today. Plus there's the extra semi-related titles - if something is out of sight, it's missing, right? Linking from last night's film, I thought I'd have to go through the "Batman" films, since George Clooney played Batman and Tommy Lee Jones played Two-Face, but that was in different movies. (And as an extra bonus, Michael Keaton was in "Out of Sight", and another movie Batman appears tonight, plus another Two-Face...weird, 3 Batmen in 2 films) But it's easier to link Clooney to Cate Blanchett (last seen in "Babel") since they co-starred in "The Good German".

THE PLOT: In 1885 New Mexico, a frontier medicine woman forms an uneasy alliance with her estranged father when her daughter is kidnapped by an Apache brujo.

AFTER: Well, there were some plot links to this week's earlier movies, as we have a crime, a kidnapping, just taking place in frontier times. And it's about tracking down the rogue Indian kidnappers, instead of a bank robber. Am I trying to hard to make thematic connections?

But it's also about a man trying to reconnect with his daughter, and her daughters, though he hasn't seen her in decades, and she still holds a mean grudge. Tracking down his granddaughter's kidnappers offers him a shot at redemption, albeit a very difficult one. There's plenty of time on the trail for these two to work out their personal issues, though.

There's a fair amount of action, though the film is still relatively slow-paced. But it's an attempt to describe a slower, simpler time - when it took days to travel between cities, the wheels of justice turned slowly (if at all), and people had to fight just to hold on to their piece of land and their basic human rights.

The film relies just a little too much on the "Indians are weird" stereotypes, with all the hoodoo and the magic powders and the speaking with animal spirits. Same goes for the "Indians are evil" notes - haven't we seen that a few too many times?

Aside from that, the film has mostly modern sensibilities - same storyline as a film like "Taken", for example, if you ignore the time and place. And teen girls still get abducted into sex slavery today - so if the Old West was such a brutal place, what does that make our modern world?

In the end, it's about how far people will go to get a family member back, what sacrifices they're willing to make, and that rings true no matter what the setting.

Also starring Evan Rachel Wood (last seen in "The Wrestler"), Aaron Eckhart (last seen in "Erin Brockovich"), Eric Schweig (last seen in "The Last of the Mohicans") with cameos from Val Kilmer (last seen in "MacGruber"), Clint Howard (last seen in "Far and Away"), Elisabeth Moss (last seen in "The Last Supper").

RATING: 5 out of 10 rattlesnakes

If you've got a feel for how I think, you can probably predict what tomorrow's movie will be...

Out of Sight

2011-09-13T23:53:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 257 - 9/14/11 - Movie #978

BEFORE: This is another popular, well-respected (?) film that it seems most everyone, except for me, has seen. Thematically, I'm wondering if this one should have come after "Cool Hand Luke", in place of "Carlito's Way". Linking from "Bad Boys II", Joe Pantoliano was in the classic "Midnight Run" with Dennis Farina (last seen in "Thief"), who appears in tonight's film.

THE PLOT: A career bank robber breaks out of jail and shares a moment of mutual attraction with a US Marshall he has kidnapped.

AFTER: A career criminal and a career cop - who'd have thought they'd be attracted to each other? Well, if they're played by George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez (last seen in "Jack"), it might become a little easier to understand. Let's face it, Clooney is charming as a thief ("Ocean's Eleven"), he's charming as a businessman ("Up in the Air"), he's charming as a federal agent ("Burn After Reading").

It's pretty tough for a film to find a good balance between action and humor, I felt this one managed to ride the line in-between, though I also found it a little too talky (show, don't tell...). It's also a nice cross between a prison film and a caper film.

I know it's directed by Steven Soderbergh, who directed the "Ocean's Eleven" trilogy, but in tone this one almost seemed something like a Coen Brothers film - take the bad guy/good girl romance from "Raising Arizona", the George Clooney as a fugitive plot from "O Brother, Where Art Thou", and fold in the criminals screwing up aspect of "Fargo", and you might get something akin to this.

But again we find a movie that can't tell its story in a linear fashion - the plot jumps around in two timelines, one after the prison break, with frequent flashbacks to what happened in prison, or even before. Say it with me - this was probably done to cover up some kind of story flaw that existed when the story was told in order. Probably the director feared that either the prison story or the caper story wasn't strong enough on its own, so the two needed to be scrambled together. Plus it gives the added advantage of leading off with the most exciting bit, the bank robbery. (Exciting in that George Clooney "I'm so cool" way, not in a shoot-the-hostages kind of way.)

But why not just take some time to fix the story problems, or eliminate the boring bits, so the story can unfold bit by bit? We know it's possible - or were you going for "artistic" by messing with the timeline? Suspicious how this movie came out just a few years after "Pulp Fiction", hmm?

Also starring Ving Rhames (last seen in "Surrogates"), Don Cheadle (last seen in "Colors"), Luis Guzman (last seen in "Carlito's Way"), Steve Zahn (last seen in "Sunshine Cleaning"), Albert Brooks (last seen in "The In-Laws"), with cameos from Catherine Keener (last seen in "Percy Jackson & The Olympians"), Viola Davis (last seen in "Law Abiding Citizen"), Nancy Allen, Michael Keaton (last seen in "The Other Guys"), Isaiah Washington and Samuel L. Jackson (last seen in "S.W.A.T.")

RATING: 6 out of 10 ski masks

Bad Boys II

2011-09-13T01:00:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 256 - 9/13/11 - Movie #977

BEFORE: All right, I'll give this franchise just one more chance, to maybe develop a plot this time instead of just blowing stuff up.

THE PLOT: Two loose-cannon narcotics cops investigate the flow of Ecstasy into Florida.

AFTER: Well, I'm glad they ditched the ridiculous "let's pretend to be each other" bit. But the 2 black cops do get mistaken for gangsters, so is the mistaken identity thing an integral part of this franchise?

I finally figured out part of the problem with the acting - a lot of the dialogue appears to be improvised. And with the actors left hanging to fill in the story gaps that apparently were never written, and not knowing which of their takes will eventually be used in the film, they have to keep stressing the same story points, over and over. And that creates a tone where it appears that the filmmakers think the audience is made up of idiots. "But she's my SISTER, Mike!" Yes, we know - you can't talk about her without mentioning that point, which everyone around you happens to already know, and you've said that same line 23 times already.

There's a slightly more coherent plotline than in "Bad Boys", but the main emphasis is still on action. There's only one directive here, and that's to smash and destroy. A gangster in pursuit of an SUV would simply NOT hijack a car-carrier, one of the most notoriously slow vehicles on the road, unless his goal was to release those cars in a very visually stimulating way into the middle of the highway. Looks spectacular? Sure. Makes any lick of sense? Uh-uh.

The action is so frantic, with so many things going on at once, again it's the detective work that goes right out the window. Stuff like fingerprints, DNA, ballistics - nope, forget all that, we've got cars to smash. Look, car go fast! Very exciting! I guess cop training goes right out the window, the best work doesn't get done in a blind panic.

The most ridiculous thing would be the climax, a joint police/DEA/CIA operation (yeah, like those groups would even talk to each other, let alone work together) that essentially becomes an invasion of Cuba. Isn't that, like, illegal, or a violation of some U.N. bylaw? Why not add the Army, the Navy Seals, and the planes from "Top Gun" while you're at it? Imagine the most unbelievable police/military strategy, and then double that.

Starring Will Smith, Martin Lawrence, Joe Pantoliano, Theresa Randle (all carrying over from "Bad Boys"), Gabrielle Union (last seen in "Meet Dave"), Peter Stormare (last seen in "Minority Report"), Jordi Molla (last seen in "Knight and Day"), with cameos from Henry Rollins (last seen in "Heat"), Dan Marino.

RATING: 4 out of 10 rodents (of unusual size)

Bad Boys

2011-09-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 255 - 9/12/11 - Movie #976

BEFORE: I suppose I could have followed up "S.W.A.T." with "The A-Team", another remake of an old cop show, but then I wouldn't be able to send a Birthday SHOUT-out to Joe Pantoliano, one of my favorite character actors. Happy 60th, Joey Pants! (last seen in "Percy Jackson & The Olympians") Linking from last night's film was rather difficult, but Samuel L. Jackson was in an obscure film called "Fathers & Sons" with Michael Imperioli (last seen in "The Lovely Bones") who has a small role in this film.

THE PLOT: Two hip detectives protect a murder witness while investigating a case of stolen heroin.

AFTER: I know this seems like another "must-see" action flick - one that everyone is familiar with and possibly even enjoys, but I found it hard to follow. The parts regarding the actual police investigative stuff - how the cops tracked down the missing drugs, and the people who stole them from the lock-up, I just didn't get. It seemed like this was a case of all flash and no substance. Geez, even Eddie Murphy did real police work in "Beverly Hills Cop" - he did it with style, but it still got done.

The "hook" here is that the partnered cops are different personality types, one is the free-wheeling bachelor and the other is the uptight married one, and due to a mix-up of "Three's Company" proportions, they have to pretend to be each other when around a witness, because she's been told to trust one of them. And taking 5 minutes to explain the mix-up seems to be out of the question for some reason.

It's not justification enough to hang a storyline on - and it leads to just confusion and bickering among the two cops, as opposed to the bickering they do on a daily basis, or the bickering that they do to confuse perps. My point is, they do a lot of bickering. Don't they say that the relationship between partnered cops is kind of like a marriage? Case in point.

Either I'm burned out by watching too many action films, or else the story here is bare-boned and the characters very simple and under-developed. Problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore - if I lose interest, I can't tell if the problem is with me or the film. I need to take a break just to get back some perspective on this sort of thing.

Starring Will Smith (last seen in "Enemy of the State"), Martin Lawrence (last seen in "Black Knight"), Tea Leoni (last seen in "Switch"), Theresa Randle (last seen in "The Five Heartbeats"), with cameos from Marg Helgenberger (last seen in "Erin Brockovich"), Kevin Corrigan (last seen in "Big Fan").

RATING: 3 out of 10 barrels of ether. Ether?

S.W.A.T.

2011-09-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 254 - 9/11/11 - Movie #975

BEFORE: You can choose to mark this day however you want, I'm not one to say what's appropriate and what isn't. Just don't cast aspersions on how I choose to mark it, which is by watching a film about our (OK, L.A's) first responders. Colin Farrell carries over from "Phone Booth".

THE PLOT: An imprisoned drug kingpin offers a huge cash reward to anyone that can break him out of police custody and only the LAPD's S.W.A.T. team can prevent it.

AFTER: Last year at the San Diego Comic-Con, I passed a large bunch of people standing by one of the back entrances, with cameras ready. When I inquired about why, someone told me that they were going to be bringing Natalie Portman in through these doors. And someone told them that? There was only reason I could think or for someone to tip that, and it made me confident that Natalie Portman would NOT be coming in through that entrance. Sure enough, she appeared inside a booth in the center of the convention - I don't know how they got her in past the crowd, whether she was in disquise or inside a giant crate, but she sure didn't come through that door.

Similarly, if we get a tip that someone's looking to set off a truck bomb in NY, the one thing I can tell you is that someone's up to something else - we should be checking boats, planes and horse-drawn carriages instead. Though, to be safe, I guess don't stop looking for the truck bomb. But look how someone made an entire city paranoid just by leaking some information.

These are the tactics that the SWAT team has to consider. And yes, "T" stands for "Tactics", I guess I thought that the 2nd half of the acronym stood for "Anti-Terrorism", but I was mistaken. In this film an international criminal (we know he's bad because he sneaks things past airport security...) gets the entire criminal underworld working on breaking him free after he makes an offer via the press. See, it's all the media's fault, I knew it.

I never watched the original 1975-76 TV show, but this big-budget update seemed pretty satisfying. I assume they updated the characters, while making the team more racially diverse - Sgt. Hondo comes back to the squad after several years on another assignment. But he was white when he left, and now he's played by Samuel L. Jackson (last seen in "Mo' Better Blues").

Hondo gives the younger officer, Jim Street, a chance to get back on the team - he was benched after an earlier hostage situation where he and his partner disobeyed orders in an attempt to defuse a situation more quickly. Together they assemble a new team, put them through the special S.W.A.T. training courses, and then are ready to protect L.A. And of course, not too much screen-time passes before they're needed.

Pretty action-packed, as these things tend to be - nice and twisty, too, so I'll withhold some of my nitpick points since they'd contain spoilers. OK, just one.

NITPICK POINT: So, the characters in the movie "S.W.A.T." know the theme to the TV show "S.W.A.T.", and sing it together? That means that inside the movie universe, there's also a TV show about them? Does it also star Hondo, Street, T.J. and Deacon? Because that could get a little weird. Marvel Comics goes through the same conundrum, after accidentally showing Spider-Man reading comic books one time, they had to explain that within the Marvel Universe there's also a version of Marvel Comics, which licenses their stories directly from the superheroes (who are real, inside that fictional universe). But really, if people had Spider-Man battling Dr. Octopus in the streets of New York, would they really need to read comic books?

Also starring Michelle Rodriguez (last seen in "Avatar"), LL Cool J (last seen in "Any Given Sunday"), Josh Charles (last seen in "Dead Poets Society"), Jeremy Renner (last seen in "The Town"), Brian Van Holt (last seen in "Black Hawk Down"), Olivier Martinez, and Reg E. Cathey, with a cameo from Octavia Spencer (last seen in "Dinner For Schmucks")

RATING: 6 out of 10 manhole covers

Phone Booth

2011-09-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 253 - 9/10/11 - Movie #974

BEFORE: Tonight, a film about a terrorist act in Times Square, for no particular reason. Linking from "Law Abiding Citizen" is almost too easy, since Jamie Foxx was in "Miami Vice" with Colin Farrell (last seen in "Minority Report").

THE PLOT: A publicist finds himself trapped in a phone booth, pinned down by an extortionist's sniper rifle.

AFTER: Well, someone (Joel Schumacher?) sure doesn't like publicists, or realizes them as the phonies they can be.

Like last night's film, this is about a man using violence to impose his sense of right and wrong on the world. He watches people, figures out their sins, and uses that knowledge to make them confess at gunpoint. Again, the level of planning and foresight needed to carry something like this out stretches the boundaries of what's believable - but isn't that what movies are supposed to do?

It's interesting to note that this film idea was pitched to Alfred Hitchcock in the 1960's, but the writer couldn't find enough motivation to keep the character inside the phone booth. It's also interesting to note that the film's running time is just 80 minutes - I'm guessing that's as long as the suspense of the situation could be maintained. Kudos for realizing that, and keeping the film's length relatively short.
More than 90 minutes without a change of scene, and audiences would be squirming in their seats.

I'm usually pretty good about picking out voices, I can listen to car commercials and identify actors like Laurence Fishburne (Cadillac), Robert Downey Jr. (Nissan) and Jeff Bridges (Hyundai). It can be a helpful talent in my line of work - but I failed to identify the actor playing the mystery caller here. My best guess was Willem Dafoe - close perhaps, but wrong.

Also starring Kiefer Sutherland (Ah! makes sense...last seen in "A Time to Kill")), Forest Whitaker (last seen in "The Color of Money"), Radha Mitchell (last seen in "Surrogates"), Katie Holmes (last seen in "The Ice Storm"), with a cameo from Ben Foster (last seen in "The Messenger").

RATING: 3 out of 10 magazine covers

Law Abiding Citizen

2011-09-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 252 - 9/9/11 - Movie #973

BEFORE: Sticking with the crime theme, which should see me through the weekend and right up to the next celebrity birthday. Linking from "Carlito's Way", Al Pacino was in "Frankie and Johnny" with Hector Elizondo, who was in "Valentine's Day" with Jamie Foxx.

THE PLOT: A frustrated man decides to take justice into his own hands after a plea bargain sets one of his family's killers free.

AFTER: There's some really interesting stuff here - after the most brutal opening scenes (possibly ever), the film cross-cuts between a prison execution and a child's cello recital. This is done much more brilliantly than you might think, which made me sit up and take notice of the skill involved.

Like "Cool Hand Luke", this is a film about a man screwing with the prison warden and the justice system, but Luke had no particular plan, and this time, it's all about the plan. The wronged man 10 years to concoct the most elaborate revenge scheme I've seen on film, more elaborate than the ones in films like "FX" and even "The Shawshank Redemption".

You feel for the man who had his family torn away from him, but the question becomes, to what extent do you root for him? Whereas most people would go through the typical five stages of grief, this character's stages involve things like buying a bunch of soundproof abandoned warehouses, and acquainting himself with CIA killing techniques. Fans of films like "Saw" and "Hostel" might find some stuff here that they enjoy, but I'm not one of those people.

If a character is willing to put his freedom, and his life, on the line, you might realize how far he's willing to go to make a point. But when the bodies start piling up, you might wonder just how far a revenge scheme should go. Do his convictions make him more right, or less right? As the film progresses, there's no question that this guy has gone off the rails - but exactly WHEN he goes too far is perhaps left up to the individual viewer.

This guy not only worked out the revenge plot, he also took into account the follow-up, and the legality of the aftermath. I'd wager most people couldn't see that far ahead, and that strains the boundaries of credulity. Plus, at some point it seems like he's just digging his hole deeper and deeper, to the point where he manages to cripple an entire city (Philadelphia) with his particular form of domestic terrorism (let's call it what it is).

How very ironic, that last night NYC reacted to a vague security threat and decided to ramp up random bag checks and put extra patrols on the bridges and tunnels. Personal note to Mayor Bloomberg - you just asked me to remain vigilant, but also to go about my normal routine. Well, which is it? Because my normal routine is to put my headphones on and ignore everything between my front door and the office.

Furthermore, how do you outsmart a criminal mastermind (or terrorists) when all you can do is play catch-up? We're still taking our shoes off at the airport, and there hasn't been a shoe bomber in years. Remember, after the shoe bomber, the next guy to attack a plane had explosives in his underwear. The tactics are constantly changing, and they're not going to try the same thing twice in a row (or...are they?). You've got to try and think THREE moves ahead if you're going to take somebody down - are we doing that?

This was an extremely clever film - almost, but not quite, obnoxiously so. It surprised me and gave me more than I expected, and that hasn't happened in months.

Also starring Gerard Butler (last heard in "How to Train Your Dragon"), Colm Meaney (last seen in "Far and Away"), Regina Hall (last seen in "Superhero Movie"), Leslie Bibb (last seen in "Iron Man"), Bruce McGill (last seen in "Silkwood"), with cameos from Viola Davis (last seen in "Knight and Day"), Michael Kelly (last seen in "Changeling"), Roger Bart (last seen in "American Gangster").

RATING: 7 out of 10 squad cars (less 1 for the torture-porn, but plus 1 for using a kick-ass song from Grand Funk Railroad over the closing credits)

Carlito's Way

2011-09-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 251 - 9/8/11 - Movie #972

BEFORE: From the convict Cool Hand Luke to the ex-con Carlito Brigante - I've got time for one more crime/cops chain before I go on break. Linking from "Cool Hand Luke", Harry Dean Stanton had a small role in "The Godfather Part 2" with Al Pacino (last seen in "Scent of a Woman").

THE PLOT: A Puerto-Rican ex-con, just released from prison, pledges to stay away from drugs and violence despite the pressure around him.

AFTER: Speaking of influential movies, this one played a large role in determining the look and feel of the "Grand Theft Auto" video games, particularly "GTA: Vice City". The lawyer character here, played by Sean Penn (last seen in "I Am Sam") was a direct influence on the Ken Rosenberg character in that game.

In terms of plot, though, there's not much that happens here - a man gets out of prison, runs a nightclub and tries to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend. But every time he tries to get out of the gangster lifestyle, they pull him back in. This film somehow found a way to make drug-dealing and loansharking boring (so the kids at home won't find that lifestyle appealing?).

That is, until Penn's character has a big idea, and a job that also looks and feels like a mission out of a video-game. The fallout from that at least makes the second half of the film exciting and filled with tension.

Nice appearance of the Waverly Theater on 6th Ave. and West 4th St. in Manhattan, back before it was the IFC Center. And I'd swear that subway stop is the 4th Ave./9th St. station on the Brooklyn F line, even though the sign reads 125th St. and an A train pulls up.

NITPICK POINT: Any New Yorker knows you don't catch an Amtrak to Miami from Grand Central Station, you get the Amtrak trains from Penn Station.

Also starring Penelope Ann Miller (last seen in "The Freshman"), Luis Guzman (last seen in "Family Business"), John Leguizamo (last seen in "Repo Men"), with cameos from James Rebhorn (last seen in "Baby Mama"), Viggo Mortensen (last seen in "Crimson Tide"), Adrian Pasdar (last seen in "Top Gun"), Paul Mazursky (last seen in "Man Trouble") and Marc Anthony (last seen in "Hackers").

RATING: 5 out of 10 bottles of champagne

Cool Hand Luke

2011-09-07T00:24:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 250 - 9/7/11 - Movie #971

BEFORE: The last of the prison dramas on my list, and it was supposed to be the last film starring Paul Newman (last seen in "The Towering Inferno"), too - but I just added "The Long, Hot Summer" to the list, so so much for that. Still, tonight's film is probably one of the most glaring omissions from my film knowledge, so it's good to cross it off. (Still to be seen: "Touch of Evil", "Rebel Without a Cause", "Patton", "Gandhi" and "Gone With the Wind") Linking from last night, Burt Lancaster was in "Airport" with George Kennedy (last seen in "The Dirty Dozen").

THE PLOT: A man refuses to conform to life in a rural prison.

AFTER: Man, it doesn't get any more influential than this. Every movie where a sexy woman washes a car? That goes back to "Cool Hand Luke". Plus this movie inspired a Mythbusters episode on whether escaped convicts can evade bloodhounds, and a whole host of eating contests.

Like "Birdman of Alcatraz", it's all about passing the time while in prison. Some men sing and play the banjo, some read, some tell stories. Newman's character tries boxing, ramping up the speed on the work crew, and then trying to eat 50 eggs in an hour. I can totally relate, working at two offices, where my office-mates and I have had falafel-eating contests, gross sandwich challenges, and even bet the over/under on what my cholesterol level was.

And I had my "Cool Hand Luke" moment when I ate a giant deli sandwich, bigger than my head. Took me four hours to do it (with a one-hour break, fortunately there was no time limit on the challenge). But still there's a 12-egg omelette challenge in San Diego that I haven't conquered - if Luke can go for 50 eggs, I should be able to handle 12.

When all that fails to pass the time, Luke sets his sights on escaping. But getting out of a Southern work camp isn't that easy - which makes me wonder how close he was to finishing his 2-year stretch, before his escape attempts undoubtedly extended his sentence.

Taken as a character study, Luke is the one who's unable to conform - this is seen in the crazy offense that gets him locked up in the first place, and the conversation he has when his mother visits, about a normal life, with wife and kids not in the cards for him. He lives by his own rules, but unfortunately those people who don't bend in tough situations have a tendency to break.

I'll tell you who needs to spend some time on a Southern chain gang - the cameramen (and directors) from most TV reality/performance shows, especially "America's Got Talent". If I had my way - for any close-up that's too close, you'd spend the night in the box. For any long shot that's too long, you'd spend the night in the box. Excessive "shaky-cam"? Spend the night in the box. More than three cuts in 10 seconds? Well, you get the idea...

Also starring Strother Martin, Dennis Hopper (last seen in "Giant"), Ralph Waite (last seen in "Five Easy Pieces"), Harry Dean Stanton (last seen in "Kelly's Heroes"), Wayne Rogers, with cameos from Clifton James, Joe Don Baker (last seen in "The Dukes of Hazzard"), James Gammon.

RATING: 6 out of 10 ditches

Birdman of Alcatraz

2011-09-05T23:25:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 249 - 9/6/11 - Movie #970

BEFORE: Sticking with the prison theme - and linking from "In the Name of the Father", Pete Postelthwaite was in "The Usual Suspects" with Kevin Spacey, who was in "Rocket Gibraltar" with Burt Lancaster (last seen in "Airport").

THE PLOT: A surly convicted murderer held in permanent isolation redeems himself when he becomes a renowned bird expert.

AFTER: Based on the true story of Robert Stroud, who became an expert on bird care and bird diseases while a prisoner at Leavenworth - why wasn't he called the Birdman of Leavenworth?

It's pretty easy to make the connection between a canary in a cage, and a prisoner in a cell. A childishly obvious metaphor, aren't they even called "jailbirds"?

Stroud seemed to get along with birds a lot better than he did with humans, and I can appreciate that. I'm not sure I agree with the points made against the penal system, and the causes of recidivism, though. Living in a prison cell does not necessarily make a person an expert on the causes of all crime.

This gives me the opportunity to look up information on the real Robert Stroud, and it seems the movie comes pretty close to the facts of his case, except that Burt Lancaster plays him as a mild-mannered sort, when the real inmate was described as a total jerk, and in fact diagnosed as a psychopath, but one with a high I.Q.

I've got 30 days left on my self-imposed sentence - and a nice round 250 films left on the list.

Also starring Karl Malden (last seen in "A Streetcar Named Desire"), Telly Savalas (last seen in "Kelly's Heroes"), Thelma Ritter (last seen in "The Misfits"), Edmond O'Brien (last seen in "The Wild Bunch") with a cameo from Len Lesser (Uncle Leo from "Seinfeld", also last seen in "Kelly's Heroes").

RATING: 4 out of 10 metal food trays

In the Name of the Father

2011-09-05T00:24:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 248 - 9/5/11 - Movie #969

BEFORE: It's Labor Day, but I watched all of my big business films last year, except for "Wall Street 2", and I'm saving that for the Michael Douglas chain at the end of September. So instead I'll do a small chain of prison films (as in "hard labor"?). I did a prison-movie chain 2 years ago, which included "Papillon", "Brubaker", "The Hurricane", "Dead Man Walking", and "Escape From Alcatraz", so these films must have come into the collection after that. And Daniel Day-Lewis carries over from "Nine" as a bonus.

THE PLOT: Man's coerced confession to an IRA bombing he didn't do imprisons his father as well; a British lawyer helps fight for their freedom.

AFTER: Based on the true story of the Guilford Four, innocent people who were railroaded into prison after the British government was under pressure to convict someone for a 1974 pub bombing. The police coerced confessions from Gerry Conlon and his mates, and then went after Conlon's family as co-conspirators.

So we find Conlon's father, Giuseppe, sharing a cell with him, and the two men are forced to bond together in a way that perhaps they never did before. Prison gives them a chance to work out their personal issues with each other, and they watch out for each other while serving out their sentences.

A prison movie often seems like it's made with a higher degree of difficulty - it's probably hard to convey the monotony and despair of prison without the whole movie getting bogged down in monotony and despair. In this case, we the audience KNOW that the Conlons are innocent, so we're rooting for their survival and eventual release. And we know that forces on the outside are working to have their convictions overturned, so that gives us a sense of hope.

But they did a relatively good job here of keeping it interesting.

Also starring Pete Postelthwaite (last seen in "The Town"), Emma Thompson (last seen in "Pirate Radio"), John Lynch (last seen in "The Bridge of San Luis Rey") with a cameo from Tom Wilkinson (last seen in "Michael Clayton").

RATING: 5 out of 10 powdered wigs

Nine

2011-09-04T01:21:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 247 - 9/4/11 - Movie #968

BEFORE: Variations on a theme - I'm expecting something similar to "All That Jazz", I even put the two films back-to-back on a DVD. Both films feature a professional looking back on his life, the women involved in it, and the creative process. It's OK for two films to work off the same playbook - sometimes you hear two songs in the same day and realize how similar they are, like I did the other day while listening to the 80's channel. Listen to Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" and then Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" and you'll realize how similar they sound. Oh, the words are different, but they're in the same key, with the same tempo and very similar background music. Sure enough, there's a mash-up on YouTube that proves how alike they are, you can sing one's lyrics to the other's music.

Linking from "All That Jazz", Jessica Lange was in the little-seen film "Masked and Anonymous" with Penelope Cruz (last seen in "Volver"), who's featured here.

THE PLOT: Famous film director Guido Contini struggles to find harmony in his professional and personal lives, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, his mistress, his muse, his agent, and his mother.

AFTER: I thought that maybe the title referred to the nine women in the main character's life, but no, there appear to be only 7 (what, you couldn't add two more girlfriends?). Then I thought that maybe it referred to the 9 Muses of Greek myth, since the women seem to be his source of inspiration. Nope, it refers to the number of films he's made - which in its own way harkens back to the Fellini film this is based on, which is "8 1/2" - so named because he'd made that many films (sort of...).

I admit Fellini is a blind spot for me - I haven't seen "8 1/2", or any of his work. But at least this means I get to judge this film on its own merits, and not hold it up to the work of an Italian master.

Unfortunately, the main character here is stuck creatively, which to me never makes for an interesting subject. Making a film about NOT having an idea for your film is a lame cop-out, it's the opposite of being creative, and it's not the part of the creative process anyone wants to see. I can't tell you how many times I saw someone in film school making a film about NOT having a good idea for a film. It shouldn't be allowed.

Plus, if a professional filmmaker - Woody Allen, Scorcese, Spielberg - had no idea for his next film, do you think he'd assemble a crew and have hundreds of people ready to start shooting? No way! The script is everything, especially when you're trying to get the money and approval to make a film. Would you assemble a team to climb Mount Everest if you didn't have a map? I doubt it.

NITPICK POINT: If Guido took half the time that he spent complaining about not being able to write a script, plus half the time he spent avoiding writing a script, plus half the time hooking up with his girlfriend - and used it to sit down in front of a typewriter, I bet he'd have something close to a script, or at least an outline.

Plus we learn, for the third time this week, that men can't stay faithful. Especially not creative types like musicians or filmmakers, they all have to have several women as some mystical part of the creative process. It's an old song, and I'm tired of hearing it. I suppose a story about a creative person who stays monogamous doesn't create enough drama.

I suppose the Europeans also have a different view on this sort of thing - supposedly every French or Italian man has both a wife and a girlfriend, or is that just another stereotype? We Americans tend to think that's more accepted over there, or are we just secretly envious of their lifestyle?

Anyway, there's some nice eye-candy here as each of the women in Guido's life has a fantasy musical number, but it just didn't add up to a full story to me. And the only thing worse than a film about not being able to write a film is when that film they couldn't write turns into the film you're watching RIGHT NOW. Another cop-out. The only film that was ever able to do that successfully was "Adaptation".

Also starring Daniel Day-Lewis (last seen in "Last of the Mohicans"), Marion Cotillard (last seen in "Inception"), Nicole Kidman (last seen in "Far and Away"), Kate Hudson, Judi Dench (last seen in "Mrs. Henderson Presents"), Sophia Loren, and Fergie.

RATING: 2 out of 10 hotel rooms

All That Jazz

2011-09-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 246 - 9/3/11 - Movie #967

BEFORE: I still have a few movie sins that I have to atone for - and one of them involves this film. I sort of half-watched it when I was 13 or 14, it aired unedited on a local Boston UHF station (believe it or not, they also showed "My Tutor" uncut) and I tuned in just to see some boobies. So I need to watch it again, as an adult (sort of) this time - it fits nicely here, going from a film about the discos of the 1970's to the Broadway musicals of the same era. And linking from "54", Mike Myers was in "View From the Top" with Gwyneth Paltrow, who was in "Hush" with Jessica Lange (last seen in "Rob Roy"), playing the mysterious Angelique.

THE PLOT: Director/choreographer Bob Fosse tells his own life story as he details the sordid life of Joe Gideon (Roy Scheider), a womanizing, drug-using dancer.

AFTER: Well, it seems like Mr. Fosse had some sins of his own to confess to - his stand-in, played by Roy Scheider (last seen in "The Russia House") is a drinker, pill-popper, and skirt chaser - juggling a wife, an ex-wife, and several girlfriends, most of whom are dancers in his productions. On the side, he's also editing a film about a stand-up comedian, in the vein of Lenny Bruce or George Carlin.

It's a peek inside the creative process, but without the nuts and bolts of it - it would have been nice to see WHAT inspired the dance routines, rather than just seeing a flash of insight, and the end result. But what the film gets right is what it takes to be a director - you need big ideas, the confidence to pitch them, and the ego to believe that they're good ones. I was just explaining to someone the other day why I'm not a director, as I learned in film school that I didn't have big ideas, or the necessary confidence. I'm told I have an ego, but that still means I'm only 1 for 3.

Even when he's given a really crappy musical number about flight attendants to work into his show, Gideon comes up with a way to "Fosse" it up, lending new sexual meanings to lines like "come on board", "grab a seat" and "sit back and relax". This is then followed by an often-imitated (Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" video) but never-duplicated nearly-nude dance number that fell one step shy of an on-camera orgy, shockingly pairing men with men, women with women - closing the blinds and blowing people's minds.

I see the scene in context now, and it's got a completely different meaning from when I was 14. It's there to show how this man wants to push the boundaries, challenge the audience, plus put some asses in the seats with a little (OK, a lot of) tittilation.

But that's the play-within-the-play, what about the movie itself? It breaks nearly all of my rules, since it's got an unsympathetic main character, jumps around in time quite liberally, and has a lot of showy dance numbers. The entire last quarter of the film is one big musical sequence that takes place inside Gideon's mind as he lies in the hospital - it shouldn't all work, but somehow it does. The ending is sad, but you have to admit it's a truthful one. Somehow dying becomes the most honest, sympathetic and, oddly, glamorous thing this man has ever done.

NITPICK POINT: Being a film editor is a singular skill, and so is being a Broadway choreographer. I doubt that anyone would have the ability to do both well, since they occupy different worlds. Being a stage director is vastly different from being a film director, for example. Plus we've got a time issue - how does Gideon find the time to have so many relationships, when he's got so many projects, film and theater, in different stages of production? It seems like the film about the comedian is there just for the explanatory audio-track when it's replayed late in the film. Which brings me to...

NITPICK POINT #2: It's the 5 stages of GRIEF, not the 5 stages of death. Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance - this is the process that mourners go through, not the deceased themselves. Death often has just one stage, unless perhaps someone's been ill for a long while and has to come to terms with their own mortality, but still, get the name right.

Also starring Ann Reinking, Ben Vereen, Leland Palmer, John Lithgow (last seen in "The World According to Garp"), with cameos from CCH Pounder (last seen in "Avatar") and Wallace Shawn (last seen in "The Meteor Man").

RATING: 4 out of 10 hospital gowns

54

2011-09-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 245 - 9/2/11 - Movie #966

BEFORE: Moving from jazz clubs to a film about a very famous NYC nightclub. Linking from "Mo' Better Blues", Samuel L. Jackson was also in "Changing Lanes" with Ben Affleck, who was in "Dogma" with Salma Hayek (last seen in "Grown Ups"), who also gets a Birthday SHOUT-out tonight.

THE PLOT: Famous 70's NYC nightclub seen through the eyes of a young employee.

AFTER: This was the film I had to buy at the $5 DVD store, to make my chain work. I think I might have paid too much.

You'd think that a film about a NYC club in the disco era, with all the sex, drugs and music of that era would be exciting, or at least tittilating, but nope - they found a way to make it boring.

I don't think it's a coincidence that this film was released a year after "Boogie Nights", at the height (?) of 70's nostalgia - these things tend to run about 25 or years back, as adults fondly (?) remember their youth. But the film really seemed afraid to be shocking. What do we learn, that people did drugs in the 70's? That actresses and singers sometimes slept with the right people to become famous? None of this is really groundbreaking.

Now, Rubell seems like an interesting character, a nightclub owner who's making a ton of money, catering to the top celebrities, and treating the (mostly male) staff like his own personal playthings. But the movie chickens out and only allows the sexual harassment to go so far. I guess audiences in 1998 still weren't ready for "Brokeback Mountain"-type plots.

And in 1998, movies were STILL using those spinning newspaper headlines to set the scenes? God, that film cliché goes back how far - to the 1930's? Is this really the best way to tell a story? Or is it just the easiest way to reveal information that they weren't able to film?

NITPICK POINT: The film claims that Steve Rubell had the registers at Studio 54 emptied halfway through the night, and that money was secreted out of the club in a garbage bag, and therefore was off the books. The whole point was that the money wasn't counted - so how did he know it was short?

Also starring Ryan Philippe (last seen in "Flags of Our Fathers"), Mike Myers (last seen in "Inglourious Basterds"), Breckin Meyer, Neve Campbell, Sela Ward (last seen in "My Fellow Americans"), Heather Matarazzo, with cameos from Thelma Houston, Mark Ruffalo (last seen in "Date Night"), Lauren Hutton, Michael York, Cindy Crawford, Art Garfunkel, Valerie Perrine (last seen in "The Electric Horseman"), Donald Trump.

RATING: 2 out of 10 capuccinos

Mo' Better Blues

2011-09-01T00:24:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 244 - 9/1/11 - Movie #965

BEFORE: As I've said before, I'm not a huge fan of Spike Lee, but I can't resist the urge to schedule two movies about jazz trumpeters back-to-back. This film came into my collection after last year's chain starring Denzel Washington (last seen in "Crimson Tide"), but that's fine since those were mainly action movies. Linking from "The Cotton Club", Laurence Fishburne was in "School Daze" with Spike Lee (last seen in "Crooklyn"), who acts in and directs tonight's film - I think I've used that link before.

THE PLOT: Jazz trumpeter Bleek Gilliam makes questionable decisions in his professional and romantic life.

AFTER: Hmm, same problem as "The Cotton Club" with regards to dialogue - characters over-explaining things, or saying the same thing two or three times in a row. It makes it seem like the script was only half-finished, or that the film is talking down to the audience, repeating lines to make sure we understand them. Sample dialogue: "Why do you come by at 1 o'clock, you know I practice at 1! Why can't you come by at 2 pm, which is one hour later?" Yeah, thanks for the excess info, I'd forgotten how to tell time.

In "The Cotton Club", Diane Lane's character was juggling two men, and tonight Denzel's character is juggling two women. Logic dictates that there must be musicians and singers somewhere who are well-adjusted and monogamous, but I guess Hollywood doesn't find their stories as interesting.

I don't have much sympathy for a character that dates two women - but "dates" is maybe too strong a word. He sleeps with two women - what did he think would happen when they find out about each other? He deserves what happens next. But if he's so self-absorbed an preoccupied with his music, how does he have time for one woman, let alone two?

I also don't have any sympathy for a character who says the word "irregardless", as if it's a real word. (It's not.)

Last night's film also had a racial element, and that's of course present in any Spike Lee film as well - 50 years later, and black men are still playing in clubs that are owned by white (Jewish) men - so it seems that little has changed. The jazz quartet here is stuck in a contract that doesn't pay them enough, and they're unable to re-negotiate. Typical Spike Lee film - decrying racism while relying heavily on racial stereotypes, very hypocritical. How is it OK to fall back on outdated Shylock-like depictions of Jewish people?

Also starring Wesley Snipes (last seen in "Rising Sun"), Giancarlo Esposito (last seen in "Maximum Overdrive"), Joie Lee (last seen in "Crooklyn"), Cynda Williams, John Turturro (last seen in "The Color of Money"), Nicolas Turturro, Bill Nunn, Robin Harris, with cameos from Samuel L. Jackson (last seen in "Jumper") and Charles Murphy.

RATING: 4 out of 10 baseball games

The Cotton Club

2011-08-31T00:57:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 243 - 8/31/11 - Movie #964

BEFORE: This will wrap up the Richard Gere chain, just in time for his Birthday SHOUT-out, as well as the month of August - it's been a very strange month for movies, an odd mix of psychics, thieves, oddballs, cowboys, killers, spies, and a Mothman. September may end up just as disjointed, however.

This is a film made in 1984 about the Jazz Age of the 1930's - jazz was retro in the 80's, just as 80's music is retro now. I was reminded of this after tuning in to the MTV Video Music Awards this weekend - now, back in the day the VMA's were a big deal. We'd gather around the television box (no DVRs to make it easy for us) and anxiously await news of which video masterpiece from Dire Straits, Peter Gabriel or Def Leppard would take home the top prize. And perhaps some young upstart like Herbie Hancock or Howard Jones would pull an upset. That's how I remember it, anyway.

But perhaps it was a mistake for me to tune in the VMA's now, since I'm turning 39 this year (for the 5th time, but who's counting?). I barely knew a quarter of the nominated acts - yeah, I'm aware of Lady Gaga and this Bieber kid, but what the heck is a Nicki Minaj? And then they gave some kind of Lifetime Achievement Award to Britney Spears - that sound you heard was my bones creaking. I've never felt so old, but that's OK, since if you think about it, I've never been as old as I am right now.

THE PLOT: The story follows the people that visited the Cotton Club, those that ran it, and is peppered with the Jazz music that made it so famous.

AFTER: The movie follows a number of musicians, dancers and mobsters associated with the famous Harlem club, but their storylines seemed very disjointed to me, like they didn't all come together to form a coherent whole. Mostly it focuses on Gere's character, Dixie Dwyer, who starts out as an unassuming cornet player (nice attempt to ugly him up at the start, he looks like Peter Sellers as Dr. Strangelove) but gets caught up in the rackets, and eventually makes his way into the movie business.

(Most people don't realize that this was how the mob recruited back in the 1930's, by picking people from the orchestra pit. I think Al Capone started out on the flugelhorn.)

Along the way he romances a nightclub singer, played by Diane Lane (last seen in "Jack"), but she's also involved with gangster Dutch Schultz - so I can't see how that could possibly go south at all, by all means, proceed with the relationship.

As in "Amelia", there's an over-reliance on those spinning newspaper headlines whenever something big happens, or the timeline needs to advance a few months. But they also seem to represent story gaps, for scenes that maybe didn't get filmed? Remember, a movie should Show, not Tell. Newspaper headlines are a narrative crutch.

This wants to be a big, all-encompassing story about every character they can find - but for all of its complicated storylines and relationships, it tends to OVER-explain everything. Is this for the benefit for the audience, to help us keep track of everyone's troubles?

Sample dialogue: "Come on, we've got to practice for our dance audition at the Cotton Club, so we can get jobs as dancers at the Cotton Club! Then everyone will know us as those dancers from the Cotton Club!" Jeez, enough already, we get it. Or how about, "We know some people in Hollywood, you know, where they make movies?" Yeah, I think we've heard of it. Do you think we're stupid? Nobody talks like that!

The movie just seems like a vehicle for the elaborate production numbers, but I'm not really a jazz fan, so although impressive, they weren't really up my alley.

There's an attempt to highlight racial inequality, by pointing out that black people were allowed to perform at the Cotton Club, but not allowed to attend the shows as paying customers. But this message gets muddled somewhat, because the performers would get in for free, right? They'd have to, in order to perform - so what's the complaint? Who would rather pay admission than get in for free?

Also bothering me was the bizarre ending, which seemed to merge scenes at a train station with a musical number on stage at the club that featured train conductors and porters. It just proved to me that someone really didn't know how to wrap up the narrative - and it messed with the dramatic reality of the film. Was this a metaphor akin to "All the world's a stage"? Or just an attempt to be "arty"?

Also starring Bob Hoskins as the world's only Jewish gangster with a British accent (?) (last seen in "Michael"), Gregory Hines (last seen in "Deal of the Century"), Laurence Fishburne (last seen in "Armored"), Nicolas Cage (last seen in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice"), Tom Waits (last seen in "Ironweed"), Fred Gwynne (ditto), with cameos from Gwen Verdon (last seen in "Cocoon: The Return"), Diane Venora (last seen in "The Jackal") and Jennifer Grey (last seen in "Dirty Dancing").

RATING: 3 out of 10 tap shoes

Amelia

2011-08-30T00:25:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 242 - 8/30/11 - Movie #963

BEFORE: Another film with Richard Gere in a prominent role, though not the lead role. And from the urban legend of the Mothman, we go to the mystery of Amelia Earhart. I remember watching a TV show called "In Search Of..." when I was a kid, hosted by Leonard Nimoy (that may have been the moment I realized that TV characters weren't real, that Mr. Spock from Star Trek was...gasp...an ACTOR!). Each week the show would examine a different mystery from around the world, Noah's Ark or Bigfoot or UFOs. They never really made any definite conclusions, though - that would have spoiled the sense of mystery.

THE PLOT: A look at the life of legendary American pilot Amelia Earhart, who disappeared while flying over the Pacific Ocean in 1937 in an attempt to make a flight around the world.

AFTER: Whoops, spoiler alert! Earhart disappears. But you knew that, right? It was in all the papers...

Earhart is played by Hilary Swank (last seen in "Million Dollar Baby"), and I wonder if she got most of her character inspiration from newsreels, since she delivers all of her lines through a forced smile, and Earhart would probably have been smiling while posing for pictures or moviolas. Also, those old newsreels never play back at the right speed, so the action usually seems sped up and manic.

The film can't seem to decide whether to portray Earhart as a naive, honest farmgirl, or a trend-setter in the field of open relationships. She seems to move between men with a modern sensibility, her navigator even thinks she dates like a man does (your typical man, who's probably getting action on the side, that is).

Obviously, Earhart was a pioneer, and one assumes that she would have had to overcome blatant sexism as a female aviator, but where was it? The film is so one-sided in touting her accomplishments, it might have been a good idea to show us someone who thought that women couldn't fly a plane, or predicting that she'd fail. If her accomplishments were so great, let's see the struggle.

Instead the film resorts to cheezy newsreel-style voiceovers, to remind us what she's setting out to do at each stage of her career. (First rule of filmmaking - show, don't tell.) The film also features flash-forwards showing her final around-the-world attempt, since early in the film we see her in Africa - we all know her itinerary, but couldn't they wait to show it to us at the proper time?

Of course, we all want to know what happened to her on her final trip, and why. The film suggests a number of reasons for her disappearance - faulty radio equipment, a hung-over navigator, etc. But nothing could possibly be conclusive, and so we see the plane flying off into the clouds - as if it could disappear, or stay aloft forever. Quite blatantly, that's not what happened - but I suppose it would be distasteful to let reality encroach at that point.

Also starring Ewan Macgregor (last seen in "Angels & Demons"), Christopher Eccleston, Mia Wasikowska, with a cameo from Cherry Jones (as Eleanor Roosevelt)

RATING: 3 out of 10 call signs

The Mothman Prophecies

2011-08-29T00:23:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 241 - 8/29/11 - Movie #962

BEFORE: Richard Gere carries over from "The Jackal" - my choice tonight seems a little odd, since October is still a month away, and it's sort of a horror film. Anyway, why choose THIS film tonight, with just 39 films before break, leaving classics like "Touch of Evil" and "Rebel Without a Cause" unwatched? Well, I set up a plan for the month, and I'm trying to stick to it - why does any film get chosen, why watch one TV show over another? Why listen to THIS song over THAT song? I have no answers...

THE PLOT: A reporter is drawn to a small West Virginia town to investigate a series of strange events, including psychic visions and the appearance of bizarre entities.

AFTER: Well, this film proved to be timely since it dealt with disasters, and people's abilities to predict them, and/or fail to prevent them. This concept goes back to ancient legend, with the Greek oracles, who were probably just women getting high over volcanic fumes and speaking nonsense, which was interpreted as prophecy by onlookers - and Cassandra, the seeress whose predictions were true, but her curse was also that no one would believe her. (Don't get me started on that hack Nostradamus...)

This movie tries to deal in a certain kind of creepy - that odd feeling that something disastrous is about to happen. Maybe the wind picks up, or a dog keeps barking, or you feel the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. But you don't know exactly what's going to happen or when, but you feel that it will be bad. But does that feeling come across in a film?

Richard Gere plays a reporter touched by tragedy (one he didn't see coming), and maybe that affects him, drawing him to a small town where people seem to have premonitions, or hear voices with details of upcoming events. Then he starts getting mysterious phone calls, from a stranger with a very creepy voice. I won't divulge more details - but I had my own theory about who was making the calls, and the movie never confirmed or denied it.

Assuming that the calls are real, and that someone is intent on warning about impending disasters, what does that person or entity gain in doing so? The movie is unclear on this point - and also very unclear on what this all has to do with the Mothman, the subject of many urban legends. You can look up the Mothman on Wikipedia, numerous people claim to have seen him/it in the West Virginia area back in the 1960's, and it's been tied to cryptozoology, UFOs, all that X-Files stuff.

But unfortunately we're left to draw our own conclusions about the Mothman and what actually was going on in this town - the movie chooses not to fill in any of the gaps, or explain hardly anything, really. I know a movie doesn't have to pander to the audience, but jeez, give me something I can work with here.

Here's the conundrum in a movie such as this: A disaster is said to be coming. If you don't show the disaster taking place on film, the audience might feel disappointed. But if the disaster does happen, then what was the point of a character knowing about it in advance?

Here in NYC, we heard nothing but ominous predictions over the last few days - "If the hurricane does what we think it will do, expect 12-15 inches of rain. But if it moves a mile to the west, expect Manhattan to be under water." Who does this serve? Now it seems like the city survived with minimal loss of life, which is great. But today we'll hear the Monday-morning quarterbacking - did those 8 hospitals need to be evacuated? What about those nursing homes? And while the city's response may have been appropriate or even overly thorough, I still haven't forgotten about that blizzard last December, after which only streets with names beginning with "Q" got plowed. I bet our mayor runs for a (very illegal) fourth term after this, and he's already old enough to remember the original flood - the one with Noah.

Also starring Laura Linney (last seen in "Kinsey"), David Eigenberg, Will Patton (last seen in "Silkwood"), Debra Messing (last heard in "Open Season").

RATING: 3 out of 10 voiceprints

The Jackal

2011-08-28T01:21:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 240 - 8/28/11 - Movie #961

BEFORE: I didn't mention last week's earthquake, because for me it was a non-event. Just another thing (blackout, terrorist attack) for me to keep working through. But this Hurricane Irene is another matter. So far we've been high and dry, but if our power goes out, I won't be able to watch films or post reviews - fortunately I want to end this year's chain in mid-October, not early October, so right now there's an extra week built into the schedule. If the hurricane passes and I maintain my schedule, though, I can take a week off in Sept. for NYC Craft Beer Week - it will be hard to keep both a movie-a-day and a beer dinner-a-day chain going at the same time.

Anyway, I got this movie in before the worst of the storm - this will end the spy/terrorist chain, start up a Richard Gere chain, and send a Birthday SHOUT-out to Jack Black (last seen in "King Kong"), who has a small role here. Linking from last night's film, both Angelina Jolie and Jack Black did voice roles in "Shark's Tale" AND "Kung Fu Panda".

THE PLOT: An imprisoned IRA sniper is freed to help stop a brutal, seemingly "faceless" assassin from completing his next job.

AFTER: This apparently is something of a remake, based loosely on the 1973 film "The Day of the Jackal", which is not on my list.

This is one of those "free a criminal to catch a criminal" plots - an IRA terrorist (I told you I'd get back to the IRA) is released from jail to help the FBI track down an international assassin targeting a government official in the U.S. It's notable that in the scene where the assassin is hired, the target's name is never mentioned, nor does the camera show the target's picture. That seemed a little contrived, a bit of a tip that a "gotcha" moment might be coming later on.

But that was my only complaint, I didn't catch a lot of the plotholes that were mentioned on the IMDB page, so I can't hold the film accountable for them. A good amount of action, plus an interesting look inside the mind of an assassin as he makes his plans.

I wonder, if you're a name actor, whether it's better to play the bad guy, or the not-so-bad guy helping to catch the bad guy.

This film had the best ending of the week - and is just crying out for a sequel.

Also starring Richard Gere (last seen in "Chicago"), Bruce Willis (last seen in "Cop Out"), Sidney Poitier, Diane Venora (last seen in "Ironweed"), J.K. Simmons (last seen in "The Cider House Rules"), Tess Harper (last seen in "Silkwood").

RATING: 6 out of 10 sailboats

The Tourist

2011-08-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 239 - 8/27/11 - Movie #960

BEFORE: Sticking with foreign intrigue, this time Angelina Jolie carries over...

THE PLOT: Revolves around Frank, an American tourist visiting Italy to mend a broken heart. Elise is an extraordinary woman who deliberately crosses his path.

AFTER: Again we've got some confusion - is everyone who they say they are? Is someone pretending to be someone else?

Slightly more believable than last night's film, but still capable of pulling a "gotcha" to the audience, which could leave a viewer feeling manipulated. Also a little less action, mostly scenes of Jolie's character evading the police, or rescuing the American math teacher (Johnny Depp, last seen in "Finding Neverland") who she used as a decoy on the train.

There's a missing billionaire, a brutal man that he stole money from, and the British tax inspectors that would like to track him down. It's entertaining enough, but it's sort of a shame that the most interesting character is the one that never appears on camera (or does he?)

Just 40 films to go until I reach 1,000 reviews, and my ending point for the year. And last night I blocked out September, so thanks to a few prominent celebrity birthdays, I now have a schedule for those 40 films. And I'll only have to buy 1 film at the $5 DVD store and one off of pay-per-view to maintain a thematic chain. The remainder of the films on the list will have to wait until next year.

Also starring Paul Bettany (last seen in "Firewall"), with cameos from Timothy Dalton (last seen in "Hot Fuzz"), Rufus Sewell (last seen in "The Illusionist").

RATING: 5 out of 10 speedboats

Salt

2011-08-25T23:53:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 238 - 8/26/11 - Movie #959

BEFORE: I'm sort of lumping spies and terrorists together here, but for me there's no real movie distinction to be made - the wording only tells you if they're on your side or not, right? Linking from "The Devil's Own", I'm sure there some connection to be made between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (last seen in "Hackers"), if only I could think of it. Don't worry, it'll come to me...

THE PLOT: A CIA agent goes on the run after a defector accuses her of being a Russian spy.

AFTER: The other morning, I made a special sandwich for breakfast, recreating one I'd seen sold out of a food truck in San Diego. It was a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich, with bacon, cream cheese and a fried egg added to it. My first reaction was, "Yes, please!", but I'd already bought a breakfast burrito, so I passed - yet I continued to wonder what that would taste like. After some more thinking about it, it started to sound disgusting - what if the grape jelly clashed with the fried egg? What are the chances of putting all those things together and having it taste good. And upon even further reflection, it started to make sense again - I like peanut butter and bacon as a combo, and eggs and bacon is a classic, and even jelly and cream cheese go well together - so how could it fail? (And it didn't, though some more experimentation with the jelly-to-egg ratio may be required)

This film is like the opposite of that sandwich - the premise sounds ludicrous, then it starts to make some kind of sense based on its own internal logic, then it just throws all sense out the window and heads straight into ridiculousness. Like some combination of "The Manchurian Candidate" and "The Boys from Brazil", it strains belief with regards to what a person can be programmed to do, and how buried a sleeper agent can be.

So, who is Evelyn Salt working for? Is she a programmed Soviet agent, masquerading as a CIA agent? Or is she a CIA agent pretending to be a programmed Soviet agent that's masquerading as a CIA agent? If that sounds maddening, it kinda is. But the film can't have it both ways, though it sure seems to want to.

Look, all film is manipulative, I get that. But too much manipulation becomes disrepectful to the audience - too many "gotchas" and I get pissed off. Twists are fine, but fake-outs are not. It's probably best to turn off parts of your brain if you want to enjoy this film, or you may find yourself shouting, "Oh come ON!" at the screen a lot.

NITPICK POINT: Why would a Soviet sleeper agent, planted in the U.S., be programmed to attack the Russian president? This programming would have been done years ago, before Glasnost, before Perestroika, so there would have been no way to predict that man would come to visit the U.S. So, shenanigans.

NITPICK POINT #2: Why remove a disguise, especially a good one, in the MIDDLE of a mission? The goal might be accomplished, but doesn't the disguise continue to, you know, work?

NITPICK POINT #3: I don't claim to know much about the U.S. defense system, but I'm pretty sure that computer authorization is binary - either you have it, or you don't. It's not like a loading complicated web-page - 50% authorization? What the heck is that, but a cheap way to heighten suspense?

Also starring Liev Schreiber (last seen rocking a dress in "Mixed Nuts"), Chiwetel Ejiofor (last seen in "American Gangster"), cameos from Andre Braugher (last seen in "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer"), Corey Stoll (last seen in "Push").

RATING: 3 out of 10 handcuffs

The Devil's Own

2011-08-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 237 - 8/25/11 - Movie #958

BEFORE: Enough films about death - I'm transitioning back to the topic of spies and terrorists, there's simply no way anyone will die in that sort of film... Brad Pitt carries over again, and it's not even his birthday. (December 18, btw, but I plan on being on hiatus then)

THE PLOT: A police officer uncovers the real identity of his houseguest, an IRA terrorist in hiding.

AFTER: This is a good time to review what I learned so far this week - don't let a creepy older guy show you his underground playroom, don't go on vacation in Morocco, don't stand in the middle of the street, and don't let a terrorist live in your basement. These seem a bit like no-brainers, I suppose.

Brad Pitt plays Frankie McGuire, a member of the IRA, and I can sort of see this one hinging on whether or not you buy his Belfast accent - I didn't really have a problem with it. He's sent to hide out in the U.S., but also brings a bag of cash which he intends to use to buy some stinger missiles, to help the IRA take down British helicopters. Because that's what they need... And he intends to deliver them by boat, fortunately he's got enough cash and know-how to refit an old tub - they're teaching some valuable skills in Ireland! When he's not working his bogus no-show construction job, he's working on the boat.

Problem is, he gets instructions from Ireland to hold off on the deal, which upsets the arms dealer, who then tries to steal the money. Imagine that, a shady illegal arms dealer - the fact that he only holds meetings in dark bars and abandoned warehouses should have been a tip-off. So he goes after the family Pitt's character is staying with, which includes a NYC cop (Harrison Ford, last seen in "The Frisco Kid").

Love those Irish stereotypes - an Irish man is either a cop, or a terrorist. It's not like Irish people can be bakers, or bankers, or car salesmen - nope, it's pretty much cop or terrorist. And they all drink Guinness and love Irish music, even though, and let's be honest here, it sucks.

NITPICK POINT: Frankie is placed in the home of a police officer because it's "safe" - umm, for whom, exactly? Certainly not him, and not the cop's family, either.

NITPICK POINT #2: Ford's character is involved in a cover-up for a fellow officer, and he feels so bad about it, he decides to retire from the force. But apparently he doesn't feel bad enough about it to tell the truth - why isn't that an option?

NITPICK POINT #3: I realize that the situation in Northern Ireland was complicated, but if a young boy saw his father shot by the IRA, I would imagine he might grow up to hate the IRA, not join them.

This felt like something of a one-trick pony, there's one major deception in the film, which the audience is in on, so it's just a waiting game until the truth is revealed. Everything with the cop's career just feels like window-dressing until he learns the identity of his houseguest.

I'll get back to the IRA in a couple of days -

Also starring Treat Williams (last seen way back in "1941"), Margaret Colin (last seen in "3 Men and a Baby"), Ruben Blades (last seen in "The Two Jakes"), Natascha McElhone (last seen in "Ronin"), Julia Stiles (last seen in "The Bourne Ultimatum").

RATING: 5 out of 10 car stereos

Babel

2011-08-24T07:53:00.001-07:00

Year 3, Day 236 - 8/24/11 - Movie #957

BEFORE: Brad Pitt carries over, as does the theme of personal tragedies. One more night of death and loss, then I've got to pull out of this subject matter. Tonight's film clocks in at just under two and a half hours, which is still long but not as long as last night's snore-fest. I went to another beer dinner last night, one which was very liberal with refills, so the challenge here will be one of concentration and staying awake.

THE PLOT: Tragedy strikes a married couple on vacation in the Moroccan desert, touching off an interlocking story involving four different families.

AFTER: A Mexican wedding, a couple vacationing in Morocco, a family of goat-herders, and a shy deaf Japanese girl looking for intimacy. At first it seems like these four plotlines couldn't be more different, but as the film progresses, we learn the ways that the characters are all connected to each other, and the way that one tragic mistake snowballs and eventually affects them all.

The four situations occur at different times - each moves forward at its own speed (the speed appropriate to tell each story in detail), and an exact timeline of all the events is defiantly NOT maintained, so as a result the audience is flung backwards and forwards in time - this is a personal bugaboo of mine when it comes to the language of film.

Surprisingly, I'm going to allow it tonight. Not excuse it, just allow it. Looking back on the film, there's really no other way to tell THESE particular stories, and still maintain an air of suspense. I can imagine a string of editors who quit this film out of frustration, and the director's careless disregard for the laws of time - but the alternative would be to tell 1/4 of the story in sequence, then move on to another set of characters and their story arc, and so on. I think the film would have ended in the same place, but by cross-cutting the audience is kept hanging on the fates of four storylines simultaneously, which is a neat trick. "Traffic" and "Pulp Fiction" are the only other films I'm aware of to try this, and even "Pulp Fiction" worked in sections rather than cross-cutting between the storylines. A very high degree of difficulty here. (Oh, wait, I forgot "21 Grams" from the same director as "Babel". My bad.)

As one might imagine, the cultures of the four countries (U.S., Mexico, Japan, and Morocco) are quite different, shockingly so in direct contrast. There's some material about the language barriers (hence the title reference to the biblical Tower of Babel) which we encounter when we travel, but also seen in the story of the deaf Japanese girl who can only communicate by signing or writing something down. The American kids who are taken to the Mexican wedding seem to understand Spanish, but are unprepared for watching a man behead a chicken, or for the guns fired in celebration. And really, aren't we all just innocent kids at Mexican weddings, or shy deaf horny Japanese schoolgirls at heart? No, wait, that can't be right...

There are parts here that are shocking and even difficult to watch - all four situations seem to spiral out of control, each in a different way and at a different speed, to the point where you might wonder how, or even if, the characters will get out of their terrible situations. As the blurb on the DVD cover reminded me, tragedy is universal. But, so is hope.

That being said, a lot of people turn to movies to escape, to forget their problems and cares. A movie filled with other people's problems seems to be counter-productive in that regard, except perhaps to remind us that our petty problems could in fact be much, much worse. Is that the take-away?

NITPICK POINT: It's great to see a couple that wants to reconcile, for the sake of their kids. But, did they have to travel halfway around the world to do that? As a result, the kids were left with a nanny, which led to another chain of bad events. If you want to take care of your kids, start by being THERE. You know, with them.

Also starring Cate Blanchett (last seen in "The Aviator"), Adriana Barraza, Gael Garcia Bernal, Elle Fanning (last heard in "Astro Boy"), Rinko Kikuchi, with cameos from Michael Peña (last seen in "Everything Must Go"), Clifton Collins Jr. (last seen in "Sunshine Cleaning", a new character actor for me to track) and Dermot Crowley (General Madine from "Return of the Jedi").

RATING: 6 out of 10 border guards

Meet Joe Black

2011-08-23T00:10:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 235 - 8/23/11 - Movie #956

BEFORE: Yes, I followed up a chain of comedies with a string of rather dark films - there's been something of a pall cast over the project for the last few days, largely due to the subject matter. And after a couple films with dead characters, how about won where Death IS a character? Linking from "Volver", Penelope Cruz was in "All the Pretty Horses" with Matt Damon, who was in "Ocean's Eleven" with Brad Pitt (last seen in "Legends of the Fall").

THE PLOT: A media mogul acts as a guide to Death, who takes the form of a young man to learn about life on Earth.

AFTER: Technically Brad Pitt plays two characters here, a free-wheeling hunk who meets a terrible fate, and the Angel of Death, who chooses to inhabit his recently deceased body to experience life's pleasures. Well, wouldn't you? And when he plays Death, he acts much more deadpan (oh, I get it!) and also very naive. It seems Death doesn't know very much about what it means to be alive. The little things, like sex and sandwiches.

He chooses the head of a communications company to show him around - I'd say he might learn more about life by hanging out on a beach, maybe studying under a surfer or a bartender or something. But no, it's the world of big business for Mr. Death! Afternoon teas, and flirting with the boss's daughter. Visiting sick people in a hospital, and eating peanut butter right out of the jar. Come on, Death, you haven't taken a vacation in, well - forever. At least go on a cruise or something, or drive along the coast.

The main drawback here is the film's length. Three hours? Geez, some of us have to go to work in the morning! I'll accept "Titanic", "Saving Private Ryan" and the "Lord of the Rings" movies at that length, but that's it. Since the majority of this movie moves at a snail's pace, you can't tell me that an experienced editor couldn't have trimmed at least a half an hour out of the middle. Is the intent to bore me to death to prove a point - is that supposed to make me feel more alive somehow?

Yeah, there's a love story, and some corporate intrigue - but come on, they did more with the Grim Reaper character in "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey" in about one tenth of the screen time.

There is a dichotomy here - obviously no one wants to die (except people in pain, I suppose) but the presence of Death as a character affirms that there is something that comes after, some order to the universe, and some kind of cosmic plan. But again, that's Hollywood, and in the real world, the jury's still out on that one.

Also starring Anthony Hopkins (also last seen in "Legends of the Fall"), Claire Forlani (last seen in "The Rock", but I remember her from "CSI:NY"), Jeffrey Tambor (last seen in "The Hangover"), Marcia Gay Harden (last seen in "The First Wives Club"), Jake Weber (last seen in "Born on the Fourth of July").

RATING: 4 out of 10 fireworks

Volver

2011-08-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 234 - 8/22/11 - Movie #955

BEFORE: A last-minute substitution tonight - I remembered something about one of the characters in this film being deceased, and thought it might tie in with last night's film. Linking from "The Lovely Bones", Stanley Tucci was in "It Could Happen to You" with Nicolas Cage, who was in "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" with Penelope Cruz (last seen in "Blow").

THE PLOT: After her death, a mother returns to her home town in order to fix the situations she couldn't resolve during her life.

AFTER: I don't speak much Spanish, but the title means "Coming back", as far as I can tell. No need to look it up - that translation works for me, so let's run with it.

Well, I got sort of faked out here, but then I imagine that's the point. Still, this film shares a lot of common elements with last night's film, but I can't divulge them all without giving away the entire plot - and I try to maintain a spoiler-free zone.

Like in "Sunshine Cleaning", we're presented with a family that's still recovering from their mother's death. Two sisters, one married (Cruz) and one separated, plus the married woman's daughter and an elderly aunt. They live in Madrid, except for the aunt, who lives back in their old village. When the elderly aunt dies, there are rumors in the village that she'd been cared for the ghost of her sister, the dead matriarch of the family.

Things get more complicated when the separated sister sees the ghost too, and brings her home to live with her, and help out in her illegal hair salon - while the married sister takes over the for-sale restaurant owned by a friend, and opens her own restaurant. Apparently in Spain, you don't need any paperwork to start a business, you just invoke squatter's rights.

Eventually a complex family history is revealed, and there are plenty of buried secrets (and bodies!). And a family friend, who has a terminal illness, sort of forces it all to the surface. When the truths are revealed, it came to my mind that if the mother HAD found a way to come back from the dead, that almost seems like it would be less complicated.

Tonight I learned that Spanish women are tough - don't let all the air-kissing fool you. Also, I learned that all men are pigs, women are probably better off without their cheating ways. Oh, and that most important matters are best resolved without involving the police. And personal family histories shouldn't be revealed on a talk show. (Got that, Maury?)

I don't watch a lot of foreign films, this might be the first (and last?) Spanish-language film in the project. But at least the subtitles forced me to pay attention, perhaps more than usual. Why wasn't this ever re-made by Hollywood for the U.S. market? Is it because this is too much like a Spanish soap opera?

RATING: 4 out of 10 boxes of cookies

The Lovely Bones

2011-08-21T02:26:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 233 - 8/21/11 - Movie #954

BEFORE: Last night's film was about post-mortem crime scenes, and I think that also figures prominently here. Linking from "Sunshine Cleaning" is easy since Amy Adams was in "Julie & Julia" with Stanley Tucci, appearing in tonight's film.

THE PLOT: Centers on a young girl who has been murdered and watches over her family - and her killer - from heaven.

AFTER: I guess I was expecting sort of a cross between "The Sixth Sense" and "What Dreams May Come" - since I wasn't familiar with the novel this is based on, that was as close as I could predict. Of course I'd rather watch a film knowing as little as possible about the plot, but when this movie was released, some very key elements were mentioned very prominently in reviews. Namely, that a girl gets killed - OK, that's the premise, the hook - but did the reviews also have to mention WHO killed her?

I suppose the who doesn't matter - but shouldn't it? The viewing audience gets to know the killer's identity quite early in the film, though it takes the other characters considerably longer to figure it out. But this isn't really a murder mystery, it's more about the fractured family and relationships left behind. This isn't "Law & Order", especially since those cops can solve any crime in under an hour.

And of course it's about the girl - her story doesn't stop just because she gets killed. We see her in the afterlife, one that's not yet heaven, but isn't earth either. Some would say it's a limbo, or an in-between stage since her spirit is restless, what with being murdered and all.

But from a story standpoint, this depiction of heaven (and the one seen in "What Dreams May Come") is all too convenient. A heaven that conforms to each person's state of mind, representing elements from their time on earth, plus additional fantastical perfection? Come on... It's a story crutch, right? I mean, even if you believe in the Judeo-Christian white-fluffy-cloud heaven, the place has got to have rules, right? Do you think heaven will conform to your needs, with 5 billion souls in the world? I'd think it would be the other way around. Here's your halo, here's your harp, now get to work.

That guy on "Inside the Actor's Studio" always asks his guests what they'd like to hear, upon arriving in heaven. For me, it's probably "Thank God you're here - the universe is a mess and we need your help organizing it." But arriving to find that heaven's going to cater to your needs and fantasies? That's more than a little arrogant. It would be an astronaut like flying in a spacecraft across the galaxy to another planet, which just happens to have the right mix of components forming an atmosphere that's breathable by humans. Which I've seen in plenty of films, and it's statistically unrealistic.

Anyway, back to this film. The first part of the film is very important, and the ending of course, but it feels like a lot of the stuff in the middle is window dressing. If nothing advances the plot in the middle hour, then you've got serious story problems. As for the ending, it didn't really resolve the way I expected, or would like to have seen. Of course, we all want to believe that evil people will get what they deserve - it's figuring out what that is that gets tricky. Fate, karma, cosmic justice - are these real, or just our brains adding meaning to the things that just happen?

Plus, we all know how many missing kids there are each year (whatever the number is, it's disturbingly too high) so just how often are evil people found and properly prosecuted?

Also starring Mark Wahlberg (last seen in "The Other Guys"), Rachel Weisz (last seen in "Fred Claus"), Saoirse Ronan, Susan Sarandon (last seen in "Thelma & Louise"), Michael Imperioli (last seen in "Clockers"), with a cameo by director Peter Jackson (last seen in "King Kong")

RATING: 4 out of 10 flashes of light

Sunshine Cleaning

2011-08-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 232 - 8/20/11 - Movie #953

BEFORE: Rounding up horses is an odd job - and so is cleaning up crime scenes. And another Birthday SHOUT-out (#58) to Amy Adams, last seen in "Julie & Julia". Linking from "The Misfits", Eli Wallach was in "Keeping the Faith" with Ben Stiller, who was in "Night at the Museum 2" (which I still need to watch) with Amy Adams.

THE PLOT: In order to raise the tuition to send her young son to private school, a mom starts an unusual business -- a biohazard removal/crime scene clean-up service -- with her unreliable sister.

AFTER: This one seemed pretty simple and one-dimensional at first, but thinking back on it, I was able to find some deeper meaning in it. One on level, it's just about a pair of sisters who have screwed up at several other jobs, who then find success, or at least partial success, in cleaning up after deceased people.

But then I realized that the sisters (and their father) represent a fractured family, still dealing with the loss of their mother years before. The lead character is having an affair with a married man, who doesn't seem likely to leave his wife, and the other sister is more of the renegade/Goth-chick, but both seem to have low self-esteem. The younger sister's form of therapy appears to be hanging out on railroad trestles and screaming.

It's clear that both sisters deserve better, the only question becomes, are they going to get it? So the cleaning of houses after people have died could be seen as a form of therapy, a way of getting closer to their mother, perhaps. The younger sister seems to have a few more issues going on, which get hinted at but not resolved.

Still, even with added interpretation, I didn't get a lot out of this film - maybe there wasn't much to get?

Also starring Alan Arkin (last seen in "America's Sweethearts"), Steve Zahn (last seen in "Crimson Tide"), Emily Blunt (last seen in "The Great Buck Howard"), Mary Lynn Rajskub (also last seen in "Julie & Julia"), with cameos from Paul Dooley (last seen in "Popeye"), Eric Christian Olsen (last seen in "License to Wed"). Oh, and Clifton Collins Jr. (last seen in "Capote")

RATING: 3 out of 10 mattresses

The Misfits

2011-08-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 231 - 8/19/11 - Movie #952

BEFORE: More cowboys and rodeos tonight - but perhaps this also fits in with this week's theme of oddballs, schmucks and losers. Sounds like misfits, right? Of course, trivia buffs all know this film as the last screen appearances for both Clark Gable AND Marilyn Monroe (last seen in "All About Eve"). Wow, way to bring down the room... Redford links back to Streisand, who was in "Nuts" with Eli Wallach.

THE PLOT: A sexy divorcée falls for an over-the-hill cowboy who is struggling to maintain his romantically independent lifestyle in early-sixties Nevada.

AFTER: Oh, the HORSES are the misfits. Well, it works the other way, too.

Another sort of head-scratcher tonight. Do I take the plot points as written, or do I look for some deeper meaning? As Monroe's character states in the film, sometimes you have to just take things as they come. But life is sort of like a movie (or is that the other way around?) and sometimes it's just a series of scenes, and sometimes it adds up to something greater. And other times, there is no larger meaning other than the one we add to it.

All of the main characters seem broken here, most by divorce or death of a loved one, so in a way it's heartening to see people carrying on, despite the personal tragedies they've endured. But also some of them are broken because their way of life is slowly eroding - what's left for an old cowboy in the mid-20th century, except for riding bulls and broncos in a rodeo show? Isn't that a mere shadow of what the cowboy lifestyle used to entail? Where are the cattle drives, the chuck wagons, the dramatic shootouts in the middle of town? (OK, Hollywood might be responsible for that last one...)

What's left to round up is Nevada mustangs, and where they used to be shipped all over the country for petting zoos and pony rides, at this point they're mostly being used to make dog food. Gable's character notes that this once-noble process got all twisted up as the world changed. That's right, society is to blame. (or, you could just NOT corral the mustangs, that would really stick it to the man...)

Naturally, Monroe's character has a big problem with the cruelty of this process, because she's a hysterical woman, naturally. Actually, Monroe's character is frequently confused in this film - no lie, she's fascinated by watching lettuce grow, and the ability to walk in and out of a house. I couldn't really tell you where Marilyn's dumb-blonde act (if it was an act) began and ended. How did anyone have a conversation with someone so stupid? That kind of works against Monroe's sexiness, if you ask me.

Throughout the film, we learn that nothing's more important than being a pretty girl - or being with a pretty girl, since all of the men in the film are falling over themselves for a chance to talk to or be with her. And we learn that if you're her less attractive female friend, there's really no reason for you to stick around past the second act.

Looking at the big picture, though, this film seems to be about the futility of life - what's the point of rounding up horses? What's the point of doing ANYTHING, for that matter? And the inevitability of death - are we all just looking for something to do to occupy our time until the final act? Heavy questions, no answers just yet.

This was also a nice bit of scheduling because the next few films are going to be somewhat death-centric. Yes, I'm just picking films off the list, but perhaps by properly arranging them, larger truths can be revealed.

Also starring Eli Wallach (last seen in "New York, I Love You"), Montgomery Clift (last seen in "From Here to Eternity"), Thelma Ritter (also last seen in "All About Eve")

RATING: 4 out of 10 old tires

The Electric Horseman

2011-08-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 230 - 8/18/11 - Movie #951

BEFORE: I had some internal debate over whether I'd seen this one before - my ex was rather ironically into Redford films - but I really don't recall any details about it, and I need to send a Birthday SHOUT-out (#57) to Mr. Redford (last seen in "Legal Eagles"), so let's cross it off the list and be definitive about it. I suppose I could have watched "The Horse Whisperer" instead, but I don't have a copy. Linking from last night, Madeline Kahn was in "What's Up, Doc?" with Barbra Streisand, who was in "The Way We Were" with Bob. Can I call him Bob, now that I've seen so many of his films?

THE PLOT: Sonny Steele used to be a rodeo star, but his next appearance is to be on a Las Vegas stage, wearing a suit covered in lights, advertising a breakfast cereal. When he finds out they are going drug the horse in case its too frisky, he rides off into the desert.

AFTER: Yes, at first it seems like a thematic jump from last night's film, but all of those schmucks at the dinner party, and all the people at the crisis center had odd jobs, you could say. And rodeo-star / breakfast cereal pitchman seems like an odd job - to me, anyway.

And, like in "Dinner with Schmucks", there's a multi-million dollar business deal at stake, one which is jeopardized during the course of the film. Redford's character puts his career as a spokesman for "Ranch breakfast cereal" (sounds un-appetizing) at risk when he kidnaps (colt-naps?) a $12 million horse that's been drugged and mis-treated.

You can say he's a horse expert, you can say he's kind to animals, or you can get all film-school and say that the horse represents himself, since he keeps himself pretty medicated, and he's also old and worn-out. And by rescuing the horse, he's really saving himself - getting out where the air is clear, there's no corporate B.S., and he can get frisky out in the wild (thankfully, with a female reporter who tags along). Fortunately, he signs his divorce papers 5 minutes before leaving - so nice symbolism there too.

However, other than an exciting chase scene where Steele, on the horse, outruns a squad of police cars and motorcycles, there's not a lot going on. The parts where they're walking through the Utah desert are about as exciting as...well, walking through the Utah desert. So points for accuracy, but it's still boring.

Also starring Jane Fonda (last seen in "9 to 5"), Willie Nelson (last seen in "Thief"), Wilford Brimley (last seen in "Absence of Malice"), Valerie Perrine. Plus a couple of actors playing the corporate execs who are JUST below "Hey, it's THAT guy!" status.

RATING: 5 out of 10 press conferences

Mixed Nuts

2011-08-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 229 - 8/17/11 - Movie #950

BEFORE: Still more changes to this book I'm typing up - and since I took Monday off, the author got ahead of me and I'm playing catch-up. Every time I re-edit and re-print the book, I'm hoping it's for the final time.

I'm always wondering whether it makes more sense to organize my films by actor, and watch all the Steve Martin films together, for example, or to pick from my remaining films thematically. I've sort of settled into a pattern that does a little bit of both. It didn't make as much sense to watch this film right after "Housesitter", but I was able to build up a theme week that circled back and re-connected to it. Linking tonight is provided by Tina Fey, who was in both "Date Night" with Steve Carell and "Baby Mama" with Steve Martin.

It may seem odd to watch a Christmas-themed movie in August, but it makes sense when you look back on the last few films - all containing oddballs, weird neighbors and idiots. Let's add a few nuts to the mix.

THE PLOT: The events focus around a crisis hotline business on one crazy night during the Christmas holidays.

AFTER: This film sort of suffers from the same problem as "Neighbors", in that it seems to be generating comedy randomly, firing off in twelve different directions, without a lot of coherence.

The film is populated by the weird staff of a crisis hotline, but also weird people who hang out in the building, a couple of weird friends, and some random strangers who show up at the center, rather than spend Christmas Eve alone or with their families. This includes a pregnant disaffected make-up artist, her loser mural-painter boyfriend, a ruthless landlord, a misunderstood transvestite, and a guy who's constantly performing made-up songs on a ukulele. Throw in a veterinarian and a couple of anti-holiday rollerbladers, and you've got - well, pretty much an incoherent mess.

I just had problems buying into it, because by and large it doesn't seem to represent the way that people act, going about their daily lives. I know it's all for the sake of comedy, but people still have to act in a manner consistent with reality, or if not, there needs to be a reason why they're acting differently from other people. For example, if someone is stuck in an elevator and asks another person for help, that becomes a priority situation. I, or you, or anyone rational, would go get that person help, or the tool they need to get free, and not walk into another room, start relating personal information on another matter, and need to be reminded that they just left someone stuck in an elevator. Is the character THAT easily distracted - that it's "out of sight, out of mind"? Of course not.

And it's not just that, characters disregard eviction notices, loaded handguns, vandalism, and worst of all, people who are thisclose to committing suicide. Umm, they characters do realize that they run a hotline, right? So hearing a gunshot over the phone would be a serious occurence, not something that would be so casually shrugged off. The fact that the film mines suicide for comedy potential is, in its own way, equally heinous.

It's just so rare that the words "pointless" and "brilliant" appear together in a review - so maybe you might want to consider adding a point to your film, that's all, just some friendly advice. Make of it what you will.

Also, the majority of the "seams" of the stitched-together comedy are quite visible. You just know when a serial killer is mentioned early in the film, it will probably be an important fact later. The main character's break-up just leaves him available for connecting with another character, and so on. Nothing struck me as overly surprising, almost everything seemed "planted" so that it could be harvested in the plot later.

I could have saved this for the holidays, except I don't plan on watching movies past October this year - 50 more, then I'm done for the year. But this does remind me that I need to start thinking about the theme for my annual holiday CD.

Also starring Rita Wilson (last seen in "It's Complicated"), Madeline Kahn (last seen in "City Heat"), Adam Sandler (last seen in "Anger Management"), Robert Klein (last seen in "The Owl and the Pussycat"), Juliette Lewis (last seen in "The Darwin Awards"), Anthony LaPaglia (last heard in "Happy Feet"), Rob Reiner (last seen in "The First Wives Club"), Liev Schreiber (last seen in "Taking Woodstock", where he also played a transvestite), with cameos from Parker Posey (last seen in "Blade: Trinity"), Jon Stewart (last seen in "Death to Smoochy"), Joely Fisher (last seen in "The Mask"), Garry Shandling, Steven Wright (last seen in "The Muse").

RATING: 3 out of 10 Christmas trees

Dinner For Schmucks

2011-08-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 228 - 8/16/11 - Movie #949

BEFORE: Hmm...seems to be a theme developing this week, something about odd people. Another day or two and I'll be able to lock it down. Linking tonight provided by Julianne Moore, who was in both "Evolution" with Dan Aykroyd and the recent "Crazy, Stupid, Love." with Steve Carell. And we send a Birthday SHOUT-out (#56) to Mr. Carell tonight, last seen in an uncredited cameo in "Knocked Up".

THE PLOT: When he finds out that his work superiors host a dinner celebrating the idiocy of their guests, a rising executive befriends a man who would be the perfect guest.

AFTER: This has a bit of a foreign feel to it, being a semi-remake of a French film called "The Dinner Game", but also because it comes at you from a different sort of angle. I won't say unique, because I'd have to have seen every film to say that. Putting the spotlight on odd people, or people with odd hobbies, initially to make fun of them, but then to revel in their odd-ness.

The film also celebrates what drives humanity, and that's the competitive spirit. From the time of the first humans, it's been around - we imagine early man saying "I'm the best hunter" or "Why does he have a nicer cave than me?" And that's what drives the central character, Tim (Paul Rudd, last seen in "The Cider House Rules") to participate in the game - the promise of a better job, higher salary and a nicer office. That drives him to lie to his girlfriend and find himself a schmuck to bring to dinner. More accurately, an idiot - but I guess "Dinner For Idiots" didn't test well.

I certainly learned a long time ago not to cast aspersions, being a collector of comic books and Star Wars autographs, plus someone who watches movies in an obsessively organized manner. So everyone probably has something odd about them - some people even photograph all their meals in restaurants, but those people are freaks...

So Tim bumps into Barry (Steve Carell), whose hobby is taxidermy - specifically mice, arranged in cutesy costumes or scenes that resemble famous paintings (insert puns here). For good measure, he is a master of malaprops, getting nearly everything he says wrong in some fashion. Oh, and every situation he gets involved in tends to spiral out of control.

As in "Neighbors", we see just how much damage can be done to a man's life in just a two-day span spent with the wrong person. Barry shows up at the wrong time, and before you know it, Tim's relationship, job and financial history are all at risk. But Barry means well - and if you've been paying attention, you know that's one of the worst things I can say about people. "He means well" is code for "everything he does turns to crap."

Tim only has to string Barry along until the dinner, and then (somehow) everything will be better - he'll get the promotion, the big office, and then he'll get his girlfriend back. Note: In the real world, someone's life doesn't get worse and worse until a sudden reversal in the third act makes everything better again. A real downward spiral puts someone out on the street, living out of a shopping cart. But you knew that, right?

In fact, you can probably predict the outcome of the film if you try hard enough. There is a dinner, and it's filled with the rich executives making fun of the weirdos (truly, nothing has changed since junior high...) but hopefully our central character will realize that the losers are the real winners, and vice versa - and realize that he doesn't need to over-achieve to win a woman's heart, and that a true friend will be there for you, even if he knows he'll be made fun of. It's not as sappy as it sounds, which is a good thing.

Also starring Zach Galifianakis, Jemaine Clement, Bruce Greenwood (last seen in "Capote"), Stephanie Szostak, with cameos from Ron Livingston (last seen in "The Time Traveler's Wife"), David Walliams, Octavia Spencer, Lucy Punch and a host of Comedy Central regulars: Larry Wilmore (last seen in "I Love You, Man"), Nick Kroll (ditto), Kristen Schaal (last seen in "Valentine's Day"), Jeff Dunham, Rick Overton (last seen in "Mrs. Doubtfire").

RATING: 6 out of 10 tax audits

Neighbors

2011-08-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 227 - 8/15/11 - Movie #948

BEFORE: We drove upstate for my aunt's wake today - so it's weird that this film came up in the rotation. When I used to stay over my aunt's house, I used to watch films from my uncle's extensive VHS collection late at night. That could be how my insomniac habits got started. I know I've seen bits of this one before, or perhaps fast-forwarded through it, but never watched it as a film, properly from start to finish. Linking tonight is provided by Chevy Chase, who was in both "Three Amigos" with Steve Martin and "Spies Like Us" with Dan Aykroyd (last seen in "Blues Brothers 2000").

THE PLOT: A quiet man's peaceful suburban lifestyle is threatened by the new, obnoxious couple that moves in next door.

AFTER: I don't know what's weirder - watching Belushi play the straight man (when we all know he was "the wild one" or watching a movie struggle for 90 minutes without a clear direction. It's like a fish flopping on the pier, just moving in any and every direction, trying to get back into the water, without knowing where it is.

There are plenty of gags, even if they work in rather broad stereotypes - the bored husband, the nympho neighbor, Aykroyd's...um, whatever he is - but they're not assembled in a way that forms any coherent whole from the pieces. I probably understand the intent of this film more than the last time I tried to watch it, back when I was an unmarried college student - but I also understand enough to see that it's nearly impossible to figure this film out.

The problem seems to be that the comedy fires off in twelve different directions - OK, so the new neighbors are weird. But HOW, exactly are they weird? Are they swingers, con artists, serial killers, hipster city-folk, Republicans? You've got to pick a horse and stick with it. At least "Housesitter" was clear in saying, OK, THIS is a dishonest character, and THIS is the deception, and now THIS guy is in on it, so let's see what follows.

And, even in a madcap comedy, things need to progress logically. "Groundhog Day", "What About Bob?", even "Ghostbusters" - crazy things went down, but there's still a sense of logic. The story moves forward according to a set of rules, even as events spiral out of control. Here Belushi's character hates Aykroyd's character, then he's his best friend, then he hates him again, etc. - all in the course of one night! And they JUST met? Talk about snap judgments!

The wife character, Enid, is inconsistent too - since she's not a broad stereotype like "nympho", it seems someone didn't know what to write for her. It seems like she already knows the man moving in next door, perhaps even in a biblical sense. Is she in on some plot to swap husbands/wives, convincing her lover to move close by and arranging for another woman to seduce her husband? Who knows, since the movie suggests this, then drops it and moves on. What was going on behind the locked door with two women and a German shepherd? We'll never know for sure, because the movie never fills in the details.

I'll acknowledge that the early 80's were a weird time, and perhaps working in sketch comedy doesn't properly prepare people for working in long-form comedy, since inconsistencies abound. But you've got to give me something solid to hang a plotline on. If you're going to send up suburbia/disturbia, it's got to be coherent.

And what's with all the cartoon-like music and cartoon-y sound effects throughout the entire film? That made it hard to take anything seriously, even the comedy.

Also starring John Belushi (last seen in "1941"), Cathy Moriarty (last seen in "Soapdish"), Kathryn Walker, Tim Kazurinsky.

RATING: 2 out of 10 tow trucks

Housesitter

2011-08-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 226 - 8/14/11 - Movie #947

BEFORE: A little bit of a thematic jump tonight, from a heist film to a comedy - but I am going from a film about a thief to one about a con artist. Linking from "Thief", James Caan was in "Honeymoon in Vegas" with Sarah Jessica Parker, who was in L.A. Story with Steve Martin (last seen in "It's Complicated") and we send Birthday SHOUT-out #55 to Mr. Martin as well.

THE PLOT: Con artist Gwen moves into Newton's empty house without his knowledge, and begins setting up house posing as his new wife.

AFTER: It's a cute little comedy, nothing really earth-shaking about it, just a normal guy who's trying to get over being rejected by his girlfriend, who he proposed to and built a house for. In his rebound phase, he sleeps with a waitress, who turns out to be a con artist.

Since he casually mentioned that he has a house upstate with no one living in it, she heads up there and moves in. However, she's not prepared for small town life and the way that rumors and gossip can spread through the town, so her little lie about being the architect's wife is rapidly heard by his ex-girlfriend and his father.

This sets up an elaborate ruse where people start sending wedding gifts and such - and the architect plays along, because it seems that, paradoxically, this is a way to prove that he's husband-type material to his ex. Put on a show for a few months, fake a divorce to go with the fake wedding, and he figures his ex will snatch him up afterwards.

But the lies grow more and more elaborate, and eventually the love triangle becomes real, as the fictional marriage becomes more attractive. The problem with any love triangle movie set up is that one character will eventually be left out in the cold, it just comes down to which way you want to take the story. Both women here seem like decent folk (except for that con-artist thing), and the ex-girlfriend (Dana Delany, last seen in "Moon Over Parador") hasn't really done anything to make the audience hate her (except for that rejection thing) - so it didn't really matter to me which woman he ended up with.

I suppose it would have been too easy to make the ex-girlfriend a real shrew, or make the con artist truly evil, instead of just ditsy. Instead the movie chooses to walk a really fine line. But that also sort of cripples it, the comedy can't really go too far in any one direction.

Also starring Goldie Hawn (last seen in "The First Wives Club"), Peter MacNicol (last seen in "Sophie's Choice"), Donald Moffat (last seen in "Popeye"), and playwright Christopher Durang (I remember working on a video shoot starring him back in 1990 or so).

RATING: 5 out of 10 blueprints

Thief

2011-08-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

Year 3, Day 225 - 8/13/11 - Movie #946

BEFORE: Back on track after last night's thematic mis-step - where were the crooks in "Crooklyn"? This will finish off the latest "heist" chain, I've got more cop movies but I'll have to double back again later. Linking from last night, Delroy Lindo had a small role in "The Devil's Advocate" with Al Pacino, who of course links to James Caan (last seen in "New York, I Love You") through "The Godfather".

THE PLOT: Becoming closer to his dream of leading a normal life, a professional safecracker agrees to do a job for the mafia.

AFTER: This is an interesting little character-study film. The focus is not so much on the technical aspects of safe-cracking (though there is a bit about disabling alarm systems), it's more about the life of a thief and what motivates him to continue working in such a risky business.

James Caan plays the thief, who focuses on high-end diamond jobs. He's got a day job as a used-car salesman, but that seems to be just a cover. What car salesman wears such expensive suits, and drives a Cadillac instead of a car off the lot?

His fence dies after a job, but before he can collect his take, and that means he's got to work his way through the lower levels of organize crime in order to get the money he's due. This puts him in touch with higher levels that want to hire him, whereas up until that point he'd worked freelance. Looking for one last score to cash in and get out of the business, he reluctantly agrees.

Of course, a thief looking for his last score is akin to a soldier in a war movie flashing a picture of his girl at home, isn't it? The crew in "The Town" was looking for just one more score, and look how THAT turned out.

This film also plays the same little tricks that "The Town" did - if your central character is a no-good thief, how do you make him more sympathetic? You can give him a romantic interest, to point out that he's got the same hopes and dreams as regular folk. And, you can also make the people that he works for much more evil than him, and this puts him in a vulnerable position, where he's not in control of his situation.

We are thus meant to feel somewhat sorry for a thief who's being manipulated or financially screwed, as an anti-hero. Caan ends up being something of a bad-ass as he tries to take down the people who've got his balls in a vise. And yes, he's willing to sacrifice his shot at romance, and fatherhood in this case, to get his freedom back.

Also starring Tuesday Weld, Robert Prosky (last seen in "Far and Away"), James Belushi (last seen in "Red Heat"), with cameos from Willie Nelson (last seen in "The Dukes of Hazzard") Dennis Farina (last seen in "Stealing Harvard") and William Petersen (last seen in "Manhunter").

RATING: 4 out of 10 fire extinguishers